Thursday, June 16, 2005        Edition: #3057
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!  

TONIGHT NBC-TV’s hit retro-talent show “Hit Me Baby One More Time” features performances by Cameo, Howard Jones, Irene Cara, Sophie B Hawkins and Wang Chung (“Everybody have fun tonight …”) . . . The 2,060,285 text messages sent by wannabe concert-goers to win free tickets to London’s JULY 2 “Live 8″ will make the “Guinness Book of World Records” as the ‘Largest Text-Message Lottery in History’ (wouldn’t it also be the ‘only’?) . . . Tom Cruise has reportedly provided girlfriend Katie Holmes with a ‘best friend’ (aka ‘minder’) from the Scientology organization as she travels the world promoting her film “Batman Begins”, a woman who’s said to disrupt interviews and interfere with the tight schedule . . . Michael Jackson has been offered a long-term deal worth a reported $80 million to perform at Donald Trump’s new Las Vegas casino (it’s untrue he’ll co-headline with the Vienna Boys’ Choir) . . . And now that Jackson’s cleared of charges, word is he will proceed with a lawsuit against documentary maker Martin Bashir, whose footage started the whole case . . . 35-year-old former “Friends” star Matthew Perry & his longtime girlfriend Rachel Dunn have called it quits (oh oh, another wagon for him to fall off?) . . . LAST WEEKEND at the first-ever “Lost” convention (staged by ABC-TV in Burbank CA) devout ‘Losties’ learned that during the hit show’s 2nd season the marooned Flight 815 passengers will find the tail section of the plane – as well as its survivors . . . Actor Leonardo DiCaprio is denying buzz that he’ll star in a sequel to “The Aviator” – Howard Hughes’ later life was just too dark and grim, he says . . . And now in talks to do a spread for “Playboy” magazine – Lindsay Lohan’s foxy 44-year-old mom, Dina (putting even more ‘fun’ into the term ‘dysfunctional’).

• Backstreet Boys – TONIGHT they’re on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Elton John – TODAY his new coffee-table book “4 Inches” is released, containing 44 portraits of famous women dressed only in Cartier jewelry & Jimmy Choo heels (among them Paris & Nicky Hilton, Heidi Klum, Elle MacPherson, Christina Aguilera & Rebecca Romijn). Proceeds go to the Elton John AIDS Foundation. Meantime, London’s Madame Tussauds museum has created a life-size statue of Elton made from 227 lbs (126 kg) of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate. It will remain on display throughout the summer in a specially built air-conditioned tent.
• Hilary Duff – She’s become so ill from jetting around while nursing a bad cold that she had a needle poked into her eardrum to relieve pressure.

Tobey Maguire won’t utter a word throughout the upcoming romantic comedy “The Quiet Type” – he’ll be playing a mute (and letting his googly eyes do all the talking) . . . Denzel Washington is researching his role as a cop in the upcoming Spike Lee movie “Inside Man” by spending time with 3 NYPD detectives (newly-retired ‘Andy Sipowicz’ perhaps?) . . . The upcoming animated feature “Happy Feet” will star Elijah Wood as a penguin named ‘Mumble’ and include the voices of Brittany Murphy, Hugh Jackman, Robin Williams, plus Nicole Kidman in a small role as a cute penguin who sings (thanks to “Madagascar”, penguins are in!) . . . There’s also an animated comedy on the way that follows a group of escaped lab animals, interestingly titled “Phreex” . . . “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening is putting the final touches on the script for a bigscreen version of the long-running TV hit (no projected release date so far) . . . A sequel to the sequel, “The Fast & the Furious 3″, will be set in Tokyo in the underground world of Japanese ‘drift racing’ . . . George Lopez will star in the upcoming fish-out-of-water comedy “The Richest Man in the World”, about the world’s poorest guy getting a shot to trade places with someone wealthy (sounds like a remake of the 1983 Eddie Murphy film “Trading Places”).

Based on cost of living, average rent, etc …
1. London UK
2. Oslo, Norway
3. New York, NY
4. Tokyo, Japan
5. Copenhagen, Denmark
Canadian cities ranked in the top 50 include Toronto (32) and Montréal (37).
– City Mayors 2005 ranking

Based on US Department of Labor housing & transportation cost statistics …
1. Tampa FL
2. Miami FL
3. San Diego CA
4. Atlanta GA
(America’s cheapest city – Pittsburgh PA.)
– “Driven to Spend”

• Here’s a case of ‘turn the other fist’. For his school class’s ‘Dress Like Your Favorite Book Character Day’, an 11-year-old Omaha NE boy wore a tunic and carried a staff to portray ‘Jesus’, but after a classmate kept calling him ‘Little Bo Peep’ and ‘Heidi’ all day – a fist-fight broke out.
• A British war hero was shocked to discover that he’s had a broken neck – for 62 years! 83-year-old Second World War airman Bill Boyd figures the injury must have occurred when he parachuted out of his burning bomber during a 1943 air raid over Germany. He only found out about the injury when he recently had an X-ray after a car accident.
• It took a specialist in sleep disorders, Dr James Wyatt of Harvard Medical School, to determine that sleep itself is – quote – “Without a doubt, hands down, the best countermeasure to sleep deprivation.”
• A Chicago mother has been charged with damage to property and allowing an unauthorized person to drive after letting her 11-year-old son drive the family’s minivan to his elementary school – where he crashed the vehicle! The boy was ticketed for negligent driving and driving without a licence … then his school expelled him. Fortunately, no one was hurt.

Fashion experts say a trend toward modesty is evident in new fall styles for clothing aimed at girls in their early teens, and will become even more common with Spring 2006 designs. Look for skirt hemlines that are at the knee, very proper pants, prim tops and large pearl necklaces. In fact, European designers are focusing on ladylike – almost old-fashioned – styles, inspired by the 1950s. Say goodbye to belly-shirts and low-rise jeans! ([Co-host] is excited – he’s always had the hots for ‘June Cleaver’.)
– “Teen Vogue”

The fastest-growing, most innovative brands in 2005 …
1. Apple (iPod)
2. BlackBerry
3. Google
5. Yahoo!
– “Forbes”

• TODAY former British marine Stephen Gough sets off to repeat his record hike of 2 years ago, from one end of the UK to the other (Land’s End to John O’Groats) wearing only – a hat and hiking boots! But this time the so-called ‘Naked Rambler’ will be accompanied by a naked middle-aged librarian, who wishes to remain anonymous.
• Two women from Rocky Mountain House AB have completed a 52-day trek of 1,370 km (822 mi) to Ralston WY – on mules! Pam Fedirchuck & her friend Tara Lewis pulled off the stunt to attend the “Mule Days Festival” on her cousin’s Wyoming ranch. For their trouble, the duo (and their mules ‘Sadie’ and ‘Goliath’) will serve as grand marshals for the “Mule Days” parade.
• More than 11,000 eggs went into the new ‘World’s Largest Omelette’. 20 cooks in the small Russian village of Belorechenskiy worked in rotating shifts to prepare the gigantic dish that weighed in at over a half-ton. The omelette breaks the old world record, a 5,000-egg Hungarian effort in 2003.

The can opener was invented 48 years after the can.

“Maybe 50% would say I look cute but the other 50% would say that my ass is a little droopy.”  – “Desperate Housewives” star Teri Hatcher on why she never wears a bikini.


1942 [63] Eddie Levert, Bessemer AL, oldies singer (The O’Jays-“Love Train”)

1950 [55] James Smith, Philadelphia PA, oldies singer (Stylistics-“You Are Everything”)

1952 [53] Gino Vanelli, Montréal QC, oldies singer (“Black Cars”)

TONIGHT “American Idol” winner Carrie Underwood performs the national anthem at the Palace of Auburn Hills before Game 4 of the NBA Finals (San Antonio at Detroit | 9 pm ET, ABC-TV). Her appearance coincides with the release of her first single “Inside Your Heaven”. At Game 5 SUNDAY, Detroit native Kid Rock will sing the anthem.

SATURDAY the 37th annual “National Hollerin’ Contest” screams into Spivey’s Corner NC, the ‘Hollerin’ Capital of the Universe’. Hollerin’ was the original form of communication in them thar’ hills. Ask for some demo yells on the phone.
PHONER: 910.567.2600

THIS WEEKEND Avon OH hosts the 2nd annual “Avon Heritage Duct Tape Festival”. Why?, you might ask. Because the town is home to the manufacturer of Duck Brand Duct Tape. So what does one actually do at a duct tape festival anyway?
PHONER: 866.818.1116 (Avon Heritage Duct Tape Festival)

1955 [50] Walt Disney’s “Lady & The Tramp” is released, the first animated feature filmed in CinemaScope & Technicolor

1980 [25] “The Blues Brothers” movie starring John Belushi & Dan Aykroyd premieres in Chicago IL

2002 [03] Elvis Presley appears on the UK singles chart for the first time since his death with a remix of his 1968 track “A Little Less Conversation” credited to Elvis vs JXL (which later jumps the pond to become a hit in North America)

1893 [112] 1st ‘Cracker Jack’ (1st kid cries when cheapo free toy is busted)

1910 [95] 1st “Father’s Day” is celebrated (Spokane WA)

1929 [76] 62-year-old Otto Funk completes 4,165-mile walk from NYC to San Francisco in 183 days – playing the violin the entire way!

1975 [30] Randy Farland finds a ‘14-Leaf Clover’ near Sioux Falls SD (about 700 years good luck!)

1992 [13] ‘World’s Largest Salami’ measures 69 ft-25 ins in circumference, and weighs 1,492 lbs (Flekkefjord, Norway)

[Fri] Work@Home Father’s Day
[Fri] Eat Your Vegetables Day
[Fri] International Violin Day
[Fri] “The Perfect Man” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] Splurge Day
[Sun] Fathers Day
[Tues] Summer arrives (2:46 am ET)
This Week Is . . . Meet A Mate Week
This Month Is . . . Potty Training Awareness Month


These are real items on the market …
• Buck the Animated Talking-Singing Deer Head
• Dolly the Inflatable Love Sheep
• Mr Viagra Boxer Shorts
• The Fishing Reel Toilet Paper Holder
• 2005 Monthly Doos Dog Poop Calendar
These are less tangible but also unwelcome …
• Surprise ex-girlfriend reunion.
• A collect ‘Happy Fathers Day’ call from your college student kid asking for money.
• Lousy card made out of a napkin from the ‘In & Out Burger’.
• A ‘less humiliating’ hairpiece.
• A paternity suit.

• Chemist Charles Alderton named this product after the father of a girl he was dating.
a. iPod
b. Dr Pepper [CORRECT. Dr Charles Kenneth Pepper to be precise.]
c. Bud Weiser
d. Spam

• Walter Neubrand has a slack job that became even slacker this year. What is it?
a. He’s the official cod inspector for the port of St John’s.
b. He’s the keeper of the Stanley Cup. [CORRECT. Wherever it goes, he goes.]
c. He’s Katie Holmes former priest.
d. He’s Jean Chrétien’s former bagman.

• According to an Angus Reid poll, how many Canadians believe Earth has been visited by aliens?
a. 5%
b. 25%
c. 55% [CORRECT]
d. ‘Hank Yarbo’ of Dog River, Saskatchewan.

• In which state was Father’s Day first celebrated in 1910?
a. Ohio
b. Washington [CORRECT. Spokane to be exact.]
c. Kansas
d. Which state does former NBA star Shawn Kemp live in? Definitely not that one.

• Which branch of the US military boasts the highest percentage of women in active duty?
a. Air Force [CORRECT]
b. Marines
c. Navy
d. The Hooters Militia

What’s the worst food combination you can think of? Whipped cream on burgers? Peanut butter and tuna? Weiner water soup with Alpo?

• I don’t understand why you sound the way you do … a guy with your IQ should have a low voice too.
• Well, it seems to be unanimous that we can’t agree this morning …
• He ain’t the brightest … a demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.
• She’s so stupid, she moves her lips while watching TV.

Today’s Question: Each day about 9% of your energy is spent working, but 11% of your energy is spent doing THIS.    
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Driving. (University of California at Berkley study)

A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.

Printer Friendly Version