Tuesday, June 7, 2005        Edition: #3050
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT offbeat Pembroke ON-born comedian Tom Green embarks on his 5-city “My Bum is on Your Lips Tour” in London ON, supposedly in support of his inaugural solo rap album (why do we get the feeling this is just another ruse?) . . . TONIGHT Diane Sawyer interviews “Mr & Mrs Smith” actor Brad Pitt on ABC-TV’s “Primetime Live”, and he’ll reportedly get all serious about his recent tour of Africa (but won’t say much of anything about soon to be ex-wife JA or homewrecker AJ) . . . Director/screenwriter Amy Heckerling has already spun-off her landmark 1995 film “Clueless” into a TV series (1996-99) and now she wants to milk it even more on stage with “Clueless: The Musical”, currently casting in NYC (as we continually remind you – you only need ONE idea) . . . P Diddy is making a staggering $3 million for an appearance in an ad for Proactiv acne treatment (now he’ll be known as ‘C Zitty’) . . . Tom Cruise’s increasingly bizarre behavior is said to be worrying producers of his next film, “Mission: Impossible 3″, with some suggesting it may not get made at all (they’re obviously just a bunch of love-starved psychiatric patients on mood-altering drugs) . . . “Cinderella Man” star Russell Crowe has been arrested and charged with 2nd degree assault after allegedly throwing a phone at a Manhattan hotel employee (an attempt to ‘punch up’ promotion for his so-far underachieving film?) . . . And thanks to former FBI honcho Mark Felt’s admission LAST WEEK that he was the mysterious ‘Deep Throat’ character who sparked the Watergate scandal 30-odd years ago, the 1976 movie “All the President’s Men” has rocketed up video sales charts to #7 this week.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alanis Morissette – TONIGHT she begins her first acoustic tour in support of the newly-recorded acoustic edition of her landmark 1995 debut album “Jagged Little Pill”. The tour kicks off in Toronto.
• Black Eyed Peas – TODAY their album “Monkey Business” is out, featuring guest appearances by a lot of guys whose names start with ‘J’: James Brown, Justin Timberlake & Jack Johnson. THIS MORNING the Peas appear on “Live With Regis & Kelly”.
• The Bravery – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Coldplay – TODAY, after months of hype, their new album “X&Y” finally hits stores. We’ve already heard much of it in everything from cellphone ringtones to ‘buzz’ club dates to TV performances.
• Craig Morgan – TONIGHT the “That’s What I Love About Sunday” singer headlines the International Fan Club Organization’s 38th annual “Fun Fest Show” at Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium, which also features Jimmy Wayne, Aaron Lines, Trick Pony & Mark Wills.
• Destiny’s Child – Fans attending their shows will get an exclusive opportunity to see Kelly Rowland’s new movie “Seat Filler” before its release in theaters. The film, in which Rowland plays a celebrity who falls for a wannabe lawyer, will screen immediately after concerts.
• Kylie Minogue – Her hospital treatment for breast cancer has sparked a controversy in her native Australia after allegations heart patients were moved from their beds to make way for her.
• Shakira – TODAY she’s on ABC-TV’s “The View”.
• Usher – TODAY he’s on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Be Cool” (Crime Comedy – DVD): John Travolta is back as ‘Chili Palmer’ in this sequel to the 1995 hit “Get Shorty”. This time he becomes a different kind of ‘hit-man’, abandoning the movie biz to bring his wise-guy skills and negotiation tactics to the music industry. The all-star cast includes Uma Thurman, Vince Vaughn, Andre 3000, Christina Milian, Harvey Keitel, Danny DeVito, Cedric the Entertainer, Steve Tyler & The Rock. Like the original film, it’s based on an Elmore Leonard novel.
• “Beyond the Sea “ (Musical Bio-Drama – DVD): Kevin Spacey spent years getting this biography of pop star-turned-nightclub crooner Bobby Darin onto the bigscreen. He co-wrote and directed it, but it’s his amazing vocal impersonation of Darin that’s said to be the movie’s main redeeming feature. Co-stars Kate Bosworth (as Sandra Dee) & John Goodman.
• “Seed Of Chucky” (Horror – DVD/VHS): The killer doll that just won’t die (voiced by Brad Dourif) and his twisted bride ‘Tiffany’ (voiced by Jennifer Tilly) are resurrected once again, this time by a ventriloquist dummy (voice of Billy Boyd). Tilly doubles as an on-the-skids actress the demonic dolls draft as the surrogate mother of their offspring. It’s the 5th movie in the “Child’s Play” series that began in 1988.
• Also on DVD today: The complete 5th season of “The Sopranos” (circa $100); and “The Essential Steve McQueen Collection” (about $60), which includes 5 of the iconic late actor’s best films.

BIG BROTHER’S WATCHING YOU … THINK:
Scientists from Kyoto, Japan and Princeton University are co-operating to develop a mind-reading machine that remotely measures brain activity and extracts information while the subject is totally unaware. So far, the machine can only identify visual patterns while a volunteer looks at them, but the researchers are hopeful they’ll eventually be able to probe into a person’s awareness, focus of attention, memory and movement intention. (According to scar-faced lead researcher ‘Ernst Blofeld’ as he smiled evilly and stroked the fluffy white cat on his lap.)
– “Scientific American”

BIG BUCKY’S BACK:
THIS WEEK a rare, large and extremely stinky flower that caused a sensation at the University of Wisconsin when it last bloomed in 2001 could become the world’s largest flower as it blooms again. The titan arum nicknamed ‘Big Bucky’ is in a UW-Madison greenhouse and approaching 8-feet-tall, on pace to rival the world record for cultivated flowers when it blooms and releases its trademark roadkill scent in the coming days. The current world record, set in 2003 at the Bonn Botanic Garden in Germany, is 8′-11″. A Webcam has been set up to provide live streaming video of the big ol’ stanky thing here …
NET: http://www.news.wisc.edu/titanarum2005/
– MSNBC

THIS PLACE STINKS TOO:
Britain’s official prime minister’s residence, 10 Downing Street, is set for a $40-million make-over after US president George W Bush recently commented that – it smells like crap. The renewal project, nicknamed ‘Operation George’, is being considered after a cabinet report admitted, in typically British understatement, that 10 Downing ‘struggles to portray the prime minister in a good light to foreign visitors’, that the building has a ‘limited social heart’ and the basement ‘sometimes suffers from sewage smells’. (We always knew Tony Blair was full of BS.)
– “Daily Mirror”

A GRAVE MATTER:
Pope John Paul II’s private secretary says he will NOT burn the late pontiff’s personal papers as his will dictated but plans to publish them instead. “None of it deserves to be burnt,” archbishop Stanislaw Dziwisz tells a Polish radio station. “Everything should be preserved and kept for posterity, for future generations – every single sentence.” (Well, so much for that papal edict!)
– “Times of London”

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• Neighbors of an empty house in Beuningen, Netherlands alerted police after they heard suspicious noises. Cops arrived on scene to find 2 ‘burglars’ in the house they had broken into – doing the nasty. It seems the 39-year-old lover-boy and his 35-year-old female companion knew exactly what they wanted, they just needed a venue – fast! Police say they will not be charged. (Wouldn’t that just kill the mood immediately? “This is the police! Stick ‘em up!”)
• German police in the town of Bayreuth pulled over a vehicle after a concerned caller told them he’d seen a woman locking someone in the trunk. Upon popping it open, they were greeted by a 39-year-old man – wearing nothing but a leather thong and a collar. It seems the couple are into the S&M scene; the ‘mistress’ was driving with the ‘slave’ stowed in the trunk. Cops ordered him to sit up front, then sent them on their way. (Apparently they were just trying to beat the traffic.)
• A 53-year-old Morgantown, Pennsylvania man is suing a general contractor and a coal company for negligence. He claims that a year ago he entered one of the company’s port-a-johns, sat down, lit a cigarette – and the toilet exploded! He’s asking for $10 million in compensation for injuries that cost him time from his job as – a methane power plant operator. (To make money, he’s had to resort to doing ‘blue flame’ tricks at parties.)
• By a 13-4 vote in municipal council, the Netherlands’ village of Staphorst has approved a total ban on – swearing. But it may be tough to enforce as past swearing bans in the so-called ‘Dutch Bible Belt’ of eastern towns were declared in violation of the right to free expression in 1986. (The village mayor says, “Listen [bleep], I don’t give a [bleep]-ing [bleep] what the [bleep] happened in the [bleep]-ing past. That was [bleep]-ing then, this is [bleep]-ing now!”)

THE BULL SHEET 06.07.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [76] John Turner, Richmond UK, 17th Canadian PM (for 80 days June-September 1984)

1940 [65] Tom Jones, Pontypridd, Wales, oldies singer (“It’s Not Unusual”)/underwear collector

1952 [53] Liam Neeson, Ballymena, Northern Ireland, movie actor (“Kinsey”)  UP NEXT: Plays ‘Henri Ducard’ in “Batman Begins”, opening JUNE 15    

1958 [47] Prince (Prince Rogers Nelson), Minneapolis MN, pop/rock singer (“When Doves Cry”) with 6 Grammy Awards

1967 [38] Dave Navarro, Santa Monica CA, rock guitarist (ex-Jane’s Addiction, ex-Red Hot Chili Peppers) who wed actress Carmen Electra in 2003

1981 [24] Anna Kournikova, Moscow, Russia, tennis player (one of biggest money-makers even though she’s rarely won)/Enrique Iglesias’ on & off girlfriend  FACTOID: She and other celebs, including singer Vanessa Carlton, appear (discreetly) naked in this summer’s edition of “Jane” magazine, dubbed the ‘Bare Issue’.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Chocolate Ice Cream Day”, celebrating one of the most popular flavors, but not THE most popular flavor. That honor still goes to vanilla, favorite of 29% of us. Chocolate is runner-up at 8.9%.

TODAY through Sunday the Canadian show jumping championship, “The National”, hops to it at Spruce Meadows near Calgary.
PHONER: 403.974.4200
NET: http://www.sprucemeadows.com/national.htm

TODAY is “Hunger Awareness Day”, a reminder to help the hungry through community food banks.
NET: http://www.secondharvest.org
NET: http://www.hungerday.org/content/index.php

TODAY is “Attitude Day”. Attitudes are contagious … is yours worth catching? Why not knock off with the ‘tude for one lousy day and try to be easier to get along with? OK, Russell?

TODAY is “National Family Day”, a highlight of “National Family Month”, celebrated between “Mothers Day” and “Fathers Day”.

THIS WEEK is “Pet Appreciation Week”, set aside to ‘remember our pet companions who mean so much to us and do something special for them’. (We already clean up your crap, you ungrateful little beasts!)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1975 [30] 1st ‘Home VCR’ (Sony’s ‘Betamax’ sells for the exorbitant price of $995, even though it records for a maximum of only 1 hour)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1989 [16] 1st Major League Baseball game to start outdoors and end indoors (Toronto’s Skydome roof closes during a game)

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] Name Your Poison Day
[Thurs] CMA Music Festival begins
[Thurs] Nursing Assistants Day
[Fri] Take a Kid Fishing Weekend
[Sat] 2005 Belmont Stakes
[Sat] Betty Picnic Day
[Sun] Children’s Sunday
This Week Is . . . Men’s Health Week
This Month Is . . . Recycling Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:

What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to do … but never have?

BS ‘BUST MY BLUFF’:
You and your co-host take turns answering a question, then your contestant must decide which of you is telling the truth and which is full of BS …
• Why do flyswatters have holes in them?
a. The holes reduce wind resistence, allowing you to swat faster and harder. [CORRECT]
b. The holes are there for easy cleaning, so your swatter doesn’t get clogged up with bug parts.

• What’s the difference between French and Italian bread?
a. Italian bread is made with olive oil, giving it density and it’s own unique flavor.
b. French bread has some added sugar and shortening to make it puffier. [CORRECT]

• On the Kellogg’s Rice Krispies cereal box, ‘Snap!’ is depicted as a baker and ‘Pop!’ as a solider. What is ‘Crackle!’ supposed to be?
a. Nothing in particular. Poor ‘Crackle!’ has never held down a job. [CORRECT]
b. If you look at his outfit, it’s obvious he’s a farmer.
– “Imponderables”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• He’s so cheap, he only let his kid have one measle at a time.
• She’s such a tramp, she’s been on more laps than a napkin.
• You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.

BS LAST WORDS:
They make a helluva lot more sense if you work them out ahead of time, so ask listeners what they’d like their dying words to be. Here are a few which obviously weren’t planned out ahead …
• “Is it not meningitis?” (“Little Women” author Louisa May Alcott, D-1888)
• “I should never have switched from scotch to martinis.” (Actor Humphrey Bogart, D-1957)
• “I’ve never felt better.” (Actor Douglas Fairbanks Sr, D-1939)
• “Either that wallpaper goes or I do.” (Writer Oscar Wilde, D-1900)
• “Am I dying or is this my birthday?” (Lady Nancy Astor, D-1964)
• “Get my swan costume ready.” (Ballerina Anna Pavlova, D-1931)
• “That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.” (Comedian Lou Costello, D-1959)
• “I can’t sleep.” (“Peter Pan” author James M Barrie, D-1937)
• “Don’t let it end like this! Tell them I said something.” (Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa, D-1923)
([Co-host] wants his last words to be, “Oh please Angelina, not again!”)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: When 20,000 adults were asked, “What desperately needs fixing around your house?”, a third of them said THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their marriage. (“Home Magazine”)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
He who slings mud generally loses ground.

 


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