Thursday, June 24, 2004        Edition: #2808
More Sheet From the Mad Cow!

TODAY Eric Clapton is selling off 56 of his guitars at a Christie’s auction to benefit Crossroads Center, his drug-treatment facility in Antigua . . . Poor little 18-year-old rich girl Mary-Kate of the Olsen twins is being treated for an eating disorder – sources say anorexia – and has entered a treatment facility to seek professional help . . . Mick Jagger’s daughter Elizabeth started modeling at age 14 and now his 18-year-old son James is set to hit the catwalk in Paris for a menswear designer’s show NEXT MONTH . . . Reps for Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher are denying rumors they have a baby on the way, even though she’s told friends she quit smoking because she was trying to have another . . . Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell is reportedly close to signing a deal with Provident Music Group, which records Christian inspirational music . . . And here we go again – a 42-minute graphic sex video of “Survivor: All-Stars” contestant Jenna Lewis on her honeymoon is being offered for purchase online.

• Britney Spears – Internet gossip site questions the severity of her ‘injury’, pointing out that she’s been using her crutch … on the wrong side of her body.
• Alicia Keyes – She’s reportedly in talks about performing with Prince.
• Dido – She claims she’s owed close to $2 million in unpaid fees for Eminem sampling her song “Thank You” in his 2000 hit “Stan”. Would it have been a hit for her if he hadn’t?
• Christina Aguilera – In return for opening the ‘Summer Sale’ at swanky Harrods department store in London NEXT WEEK, she demanded – and will get – $360,000 cash, a private jet to get her there, and a 5-star penthouse hotel room. Not bad for 2-days ‘work’.
• Outkast – 91-year-old civil  rights pioneer Rosa Parks is taking them to federal court for  ‘defaming her name and breaching her trademark’ in their 1998 tune “Rosa Parks”.

Word is Ben Stiller wanted all 3 “Charlie’s Angels” in a sequel to “Starsky & Hutch” but due to filming commitments he’s going to have to settle for Cameron Diaz on her own . . . Actress Renee Zellweger may be ballooning to her “Bridget Jones” weight again as she’s signed for a remake of “The Poseidon Adventure”, playing chubby ‘Belle Rosen’ (the role that won a 1973 Oscar nomination for Shelley Winters) . . . A crazed New Yorker began firing a gun in the air when he discovered a street was closed for a scene from “The Translator”, causing Sean Penn to whisk co-star Nicole Kidman quickly off the set (she apparently thought it was part of the movie) . . . Hollywood’s current ‘it’ girl, Lindsey Lohan, is in talks to star in a bigscreen version of “I Dream Of Jeannie” after she finishes up a remake of the classic Disney comedy “Herbie, The Love Bug” . . . Oscar-winner Charlize Theron is on a low-carb diet and working out 4 hours daily (including gymnastics with a Cirque du Soleil performer) for her role in the upcoming sci-fi thriller “Aeon Flux” (sounds like she wants some more hardware!) . . . And reports say Colin Farrell’s first full frontal movie scene in the upcoming drama “A Home at the End of the World” has been cut after test audiences were too distracted by – the size of his manhood (if it ain’t true, it sure is good marketing for the film … and him).

Yet another scientist has claimed to have found the location of the mythical lost continent of ‘Atlantis’. Dr Rainer Kuehne of Germany’s University of Wuppertal has analyzed satellite photos of a salt marsh region near the city of Cadiz, Spain which was destroyed by a flood over 3,000 years ago and seems to fit the description of ‘Atlantis’ given by Plato. Kuehne claims the photos show concentric rings just as Plato described and, although the site lies within a national park, he’s hoping to gather together enough archaeologists to excavate it and unearth evidence of his claim. (Anything to keep the ol’ funding coming in!)

The residents of F—ing, Austria have voted against a petition which suggested changing the name of their town. Apparently, F—ing was named over 100 years ago by a settler named ‘F—‘, who added the suffix ‘ing’, meaning ‘village’, to his surname for the town name. In recent years, the town has lost most of its street signs to tourists who like to take them home as souvenirs. (Similar to other oddly-named towns like Dildo, Newfoundland and Faggot Hill MA.)
– Ananova

• A British student has been barred from taking an exam … for wearing the wrong pants! The boy’s mother has filed a complaint after Coseley School in Wolverhampton told her son he couldn’t write the exam wearing charcoal grey trousers instead of black. The poor kid was forced to zip to the nearby home of an aunt, who helped him shop for new pants then returned him to take the test … 35 minutes late.
• The owners of the Tiger Lily Petting Farm near Parksville BC are mystified why a thief keeps stealing … the tails off their ponies. Over the past month, 14 of their 17 ponies have had their ground-length tails chopped off. If caught, the tail-clipper faces charges of theft, cruelty to animals, mischief, and trespassing. There’s no known marketable use for pony tails.
• A South African woman has settled a lawsuit in which she claimed to have developed a phobia about toilets … after falling off one in a hotel. The 59-year-old sued Sun International Hotels, asking for ‘pain, injury, medical treatment and loss of amenities’ … whatever that may be. She was asking for $14,000 but settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.
• THIS WEEK organizers at London, England’s Plaza Shopping Center were disappointed when only 15 shoppers showed up for their first ever … naked shopping event. Seems there just aren’t many consumers willing to look for bargains in the buff. By the way, the staff remained fully clothed.
• Russia’s notoriously reckless drunk drivers now have an alternative – for a fee, several ‘evacuation services’ will tow drunk drivers and their friends home in their vehicle, even giving them a complimentary bottle of champagne. Prices start at about $45. The one restriction – customers have to be sober enough to explain where they want to be picked up.

60% of all marital arguments occur during times of transition, the most stressful of which is when returning home from work. Experts say if you wanna avoid spats, you should chill out for 5 before talking to your mate. (Which leads to the rant, “Why aren’t you talking? We’re having a communication problem!”)
– “Self” magazine.

Derek Humphry, author of the controversial 1991 book on euthanasia “Final Exit”, has a helpful new book called the “Good Euthanasia Guide”. He describes it as information for intelligent people who want to make an informed decision about their death. To this end, the guidebook lists organizations around-the-world which help people end their own lives and the laws various countries have passed concerning euthanasia. (People are just dying to read it!)
– Reuters

North Carolina’s Rev George Malkmus of is one of several Christian clergy promoting Bible-based diets. His ‘Hallelujah Diet’ is supposedly based on Genesis 1:29, banning all animal products except for honey, and promoting overall consumption of 80% raw food. In biblical times, he claims, people who subsisted on a raw diet lived an average of … 912 years! (The bad news is – they had to eat parsnips.)
– “Globe & Mail”

1. “Over The Rainbow” (“The Wizard of Oz”-1939)
2. “As Time Goes By” (“Casablanca”-1942)
3. “Singin’ in the Rain” (“Singin’ in the Rain”-1952)
4. “Moon River” (“Breakfast at Tiffany’s”-1961)
5. “White Christmas” (“Holiday Inn”-1942)
– New American Film Institute listing.

• You’re 13% more likely to be murdered for money than for love.
• You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
• The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
• Mosquitoes are twice as attracted to the color blue than any other color.

“Marc is a complete dirt bag.”
– Debbie Rosado, Marc Anthony’s ex-fiancée and mother of his oldest child, suggesting he’s unlikely to remain faithful to J-Lo.


1942 [62] Mick Fleetwood, Redruth UK, classic rock band leader/drummer (Fleetwood Mac-“Dreams”) who co-owns auction house Fleetwood Owen

1958 [46] Jean Charest, Sherbrooke QC, Québec Premier since 2003 (Liberal)/former federal PC leader

1967 [37] Sherry Stringfield, Colorado Springs CO, TV actress (‘Dr Susan Lewis’ on “ER” 1994-96, 2001-present)

1986 [18] Solange Knowles, Houston TX, wannabe singer (“Solo Star”)/wannabe actress (“Johnson Family Vacation”/Beyoncé’s little sister

[Puerto Rico] “San Juan Day”

TODAY is “Discovery Day” in Newfoundland & Labrador, a public holiday celebrating the date John Cabot 1st landed in Newfoundland aboard the ‘Matthew’.

TODAY is “St-Jean Baptiste Day”, or the ‘Fête Nationale’ holiday, in the province of Québec and in French Canadian communities across the country. Besides Québec, St John the Baptist is the patron saint of auto routes, candlemakers, health spas, road workers, and wool workers.

TODAY is the annual “Celebration of the Senses”, when you’re encouraged to treat yourself to stimulation of each of your 5 senses. (First, everyone take off your shoes …)

1880 [124] 1st performance of “O Canada” (surprise, it’s in Québec City!)

1922 [82] ‘AFPA’ (American Professional Football Association) changes name to ‘NFL’ (National Football League) and ‘Chicago Staleys’ become ‘Chicago Bears’

1923 [81] The ‘Peanut Butter Cup’ is invented by HB Reese

1947 [57] 1st documented ‘UFO’ sighting (pilot Ken Arnold reports ‘9 silvery discs appeared out of nowhere’ over Mt Rainier WA, later dubbed ‘flying saucers’ by a newspaper reporter)

1973 [31] 15-year-old Marlene Raymond limbos under a flaming bar at 6 1/8 inches

[1 week today] Canada Day
[Fri] Take Your Dog To Work Day
[Fri-Sun] Glastonbury Music Festival (Pilton UK)
[Fri-Sun] Marble Weekend
[Sat] Descendants Day
[Sun] Decide To Be Married Day
[Mon] Canadian Federal Election
[Mon] National Columnists Day    
[Tues] 2004 BET Awards
This Week Is . . . Carpenter Ant Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Fireworks Safety Month


• Seagulls are more faithful to their mates than humans. (TRUE. Gulls mate for life and cheat less, according to “The Large Gulls Of North America”)
• Portugal is the largest Portuguese-speaking nation. (BS. It’s Brazil)
• Astrologists make better stock pickers than traditional brokers. (TRUE. According to “Intelligent Market Insights”, astrologists are on target 60% of the time compared to 40% for traditional analysts.)

BS Q & A:
Q: Which North American city has the most bars per capita?
A: St John’s NL.

Q: You’re an average female. What are the odds of you making love tonight?
A: 1 in 9. (Probably less if you’re married.)

THIS WEEK is the 40th anniversary of the invention of ‘Buffalo Chicken Wings’. First concocted by Teressa Bellissimo at Buffalo NY’s Anchor Bar in 1964, the hot wings now have their own festival each Labor Day weekend. These days the restaurant serves up over a half-ton of wings per day and ships them worldwide.
PHONER: 716.886.8920

• One thing you learn in show business … a lot of good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people.
• I was unemployed once for 3 months. Daytime TV is a real incentive to get a job.
• There’s nothing like the love of a good woman except, of course, the love of a bad woman.
• A girlfriend is just like a wife … only you have sex with her.

Today’s Question: The smarter a person is, the more likely they are to do THIS at home.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Read in the bathroom.

A home without children is like a circus without clowns.


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