Tuesday, June 22, 2004        Edition: #2806
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Bill Clinton’s autobiography “My Life” arrives in bookstores after a week of media hype over its revelations into his personal problems (there’s money in telling all – in this case, $35 a pop!) . . . “Fahrenheit 9/11″ filmmaker Michael Moore says some ‘very sophisticated individuals’ have been hacking into and shutting down his Website where clips of the flick are available and he’s going to pursue criminal prosecution (‘cause he’s never met a conspiracy he didn’t like) . . . CBS-TV will air a new reality series titled “Nightmare on Elm Street: Real Nightmares” hosted by the horror movie’s star, Robert Englund, and encouraging participants to confront their worst fears (what’s the fear of unending reality shows called?) . . . U2′s Bono has publicly apologized for breaking Ireland’s ban on smoking in workplaces by lighting up in a Dublin hotel where he was partying with the Red Hot Chili Peppers (no word on just what he lit) . . . 11 years after he died Conway Twitty has a new country single, a duet with Anita Cochran called “(I Wanna Hear) A Cheatin’ Song”, in which his vocals have been pieced together from various past recordings (cool, try making your own Elvis song) . . . And this THURSDAY & FRIDAY Princess Diana’s former butler Paul Burrell will bring his one-man stage show about his relationship with her to NYC’s Town Hall Theater (making money off dead folk – tacky, tacky , tacky!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Los Lonely Boys – TODAY they’re on TV gabfest “On Air With Ryan Seacrest”.
• Justin Timberlake – He finished up his Australian tour and is taking a week off with Cameron Diaz at Australian beach resort Port Douglas where they’ve booked surfing & fishing lessons.
• Maroon 5 – TONIGHT they’re on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Bruce Springsteen – A new exhibit at NJ’s Newark Museum called “Springsteen: Troubadour of the Highway” features his music, lyrics, photos, videos, albums & other memorabilia.
• Alanis Morissette – TONIGHT she does “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Paul McCartney – Organizers of his weekend gig in St Petersburg, Russia spent $35,000 to  spray dry ice on clouds above the venue to prevent it from being rained out. Seems it worked, as sunshine broke out minutes before he went on stage.
• Avril Lavigne – TONIGHT she’s on “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn”.
• Travis Tritt – TONIGHT he’s on ABC-TV’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Secret Window” (Psychological Thriller – DVD): Based on a Stephen King story, Johnny Depp plays an eccentric writer who is stalked at his remote lake house by a psychotic stranger (John Turturro) who claims he stole a story idea.
• “Bad Santa” (Comedy – DVD/VHS): Billy Bob Thornton plays a washed-up, wise-cracking department store Santa who is actually a safecracker who makes one big score every Christmas Eve. Tony Cox & Bernie Mac co-star. The late John Ritter plays a pesky store manager in his final on-screen role. Possibly a record for a Christmas film – the f-word and its many variations are used 147 times!

HEY! YOU! GET OFF MY WI-FI:
Is wireless Internet available in your office? BAE Systems has developed a ‘stealth wallpaper’ that prevents outsiders from accessing or monitoring a company’s Wi-Fi Internet traffic but still allows other radio and cellphone traffic to get through. ‘FSS’ (Frequency Selective Surface) panels have previously been used in stealth aircraft and will soon be available for commercial use.
– silicon.com

THE HIRSUTE HONEYS ARE HERE:
Like your women on the furry side? Plan a vacation in Berlin because that’s where you’ll find the hairiest women in Europe! According to a new survey, just 40% of German women shave their body hair.
– Wilkinson Razors poll.

A ROOM OF THEIR OWN:
Snubbed by both men and women, transvestite students at the Chiang Mai Technology School in Bangkok, Thailand have been granted their own separate restroom. The so-called ‘Pink Lotus Bathroom’, designed exclusively for the school’s 15 transvestite students, features 4 stalls but no urinals, and a sign on the door with intertwined male and female symbols.
– “Daily News”

TODAY’S BLUE PLATE SPECIAL:
The Nelson Diner in New Zealand has begun serving – roadkill. Not faked-up stuff like US restaurant chain Roadkill Café serves, but real possums killed in road accidents. A variety of dishes appear on the menu with clever names like ‘Headlight Delight’ and ‘Guess That Mess’. One of the more popular is a sandwich in which the roadkill oozes out of pita bread. Oh, yum.
– “NY Post”

ANTICIPATION:
Research at Britain’s Oxford University finds that anticipation of an event actually heightens the sensation of whatever’s being anticipated. For instance, when a dentist drills your teeth it’s not just the actual pain but the fear of it that hurts. Researchers say this phenomenon also explains why a first kiss can make you light-headed. (Unless you’re kissing a dentist.)
– ANI

HOW TO GET RID OF RACOONS:
‘Coons keep raiding your garbage cans? Raccoons hate bright lights, loud noises and strong smells, so they can be repelled by ammonia-soaked rags, mothballs, naphtha flakes, lights, even a portable radio. If all else fails, the dominant male in your household can mark his territory by urinating around the perimeter of the yard. Apparently, it not only works – men love doing it!
– “Harrowsmith Country Life” magazine.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Kesgrave High School in Ipswich, England has become the first in Britain (and maybe anywhere) to ban – skirts. As of SEPTEMBER, all female students (and presumably males) will be required to wear pants. Why? Hemlines have risen to an ‘inappropriate level’.
• Here’s an indication of how self-involved we’ve all become – a Shepherdstown WV man was pinned beneath his van while working on it in his driveway and eventually died because no one took any notice … for 4 days!
• A 34-year-old registered sex offender in Edinburgh, Scotland has been let off with a warning after appearing in court for – having simulated sex with a traffic pylon. His previous convictions include simulating sex in public … with a training shoe.
• While most kids get out of final exams by merely skipping them, a 17-year-old girl at Los Amigos High in Fountain Valley CA accomplished the job by – setting off tear gas. Fortunately no one was hurt, but many of her test-taking peers suffered through a gagging fit.
• A German woman is facing cruelty charges after starving her pet dog so it would fit – in her carry-on luggage. Airport authorities in Nuremberg seized the rickety pooch that was found to weigh just half its normal weight.
• A 32-year-old teacher’s aide was yanked from a cruise ship in Miami at 6:30 am FRIDAY, placed in handcuffs & leg shackles and hauled before a judge, accused of failing to pay a year-old fine. Her crime? Failing to secure marshmallows and hot chocolate from wildlife while camping in Yellowstone National Park – a $50 misdemeanor.
• Cops in southwestern China have closed down some 215 restaurants after discovering they were mixing opium poppy – into their food. Soups and stews were routinely being laced with narcotics to guarantee repeat customers. It seems this food really WAS addictive!
• To protest all the  intentional walks Barry Bonds is drawing this season (already approaching 100), the San Francisco Giants have begun selling – rubber chickens. Profits from the $10 orange cluckers named ‘Walker’ go to charity.

HOT SUMMER FASHIONS FOR WOMEN:
• Almost anything from the ’50s, including longer, fuller skirts and capri pants.
• Green in all shades is the hottest color THIS SUMMER, especially emerald.
• Jeans are higher-waisted and slim-legged. Cuffs are cool again.
• Shoes with details, like flowers and beading.
• Anything crocheted, from hats to bags to dresses and suits.
• Large brooches, often with rhinestones, which can also be attached to handbags.
• Moccasins with beading, sandals in bright colors like lime, pink and turquoise.
• Gold bracelets and bangles, worn 4 or 5 at a time.
• Striped T-shirts and anything with polka dots.
• Western accents such as a snap-front shirt or a rodeo buckle belt.
– focusonstyle.com online fashion magazine.

HOT SUMMER FASHIONS FOR MEN:
• The ‘80s ‘preppy’ look is back, only brighter, more fitted and less boxy.
• Fitted polo shirts in mint green, powder blue or pink.
• Relaxed collars.
• Flip-flops.
• Flat-front khakis.
• Seersucker jackets.
• No socks.
– “Houston Chronicle”

FOR THE RECORD:
• 67-year-old Tran Van Hay from Giang province in Vietnam hasn’t been to a barber in 31 years and now has tresses measuring 6.2 meters (20 ft-4 ins). He’s hoping the “Guinness Book of Records” will certify that beats the previous ‘Longest Hair’ record of 5.15 meters (16 ft-10 ins) help by a Thai. Tran might also set a related record – he hasn’t washed his hair in 6 years.
•  A Chihuahua in Harpenden, England named ‘Star’ has recently been declared the ‘World’s Smallest Dog’. At 5-inches-long and weighing just over 1 lb, she’s so tiny she can sit in a martini glass or snuggle inside a shoe.

BS AMAZING FACT:
The two biggest risk factors for premature death are currently …
#1. Being male. #2. Being young.
– “Forbes” magazine.

AND WE QUOTE:
“It was a big dose to swallow.”
– Bill Clinton’s perhaps ill-chosen metaphor to describe the difficulty daughter Chelsea had in dealing with the Monica Lewinsky affair.

THE BULL SHEET 06.22.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [63] Ed Bradley, Philadelphia PA, CBS news correspondent (“60 Minutes” since 1981)

1949 [55] Meryl Streep, Summit NJ, movie actress with 12 Academy Award nominations (Oscars-“Sophie’s Choice”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)

1952 [52] Graham Greene, Six Nations Reserve ON, movie actor (Oscar nomination-“Dances With Wolves”)

1953 [51] Cyndi Lauper, Brooklyn NY, oldies singer (Grammy Award-“Girls Just Want to Have Fun”)

1964 [40] Amy Brenneman, Glastonbury CT, TV actress (‘Judge Amy Madison Gray’ on “Judging Amy” since 1999)

1970 [34] Steven Page, Toronto ON, rock singer (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”)

1973 [31] Carson Daly, Santa Monica CA, TV host (NBC-“Last Call With Carson Daly” since 2002, MTV-“Total Request Live” since 1998)/syndicated radio host (“Most Requested”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Mirthday”, a day to celebrate individualism and appreciate your own uniqueness. This is the day to make choices that are for your own good. It’s also a good excuse for a ‘Mirthday Party’. (Although it sounds like a speech impediment.)

THURSDAY-Sunday is the 51st annual “Watermelon Thump” in Luling TX, home of the ‘World Champion Seed-Spitting Contest’ in which the Guinness  Record was established at 68 ft-9 1/8 ins. Thanks to their accent, Texans always seem to make a great interview.
PHONER: 830.875.3214 x2 (Susan Ward)
NET: http://www.watermelonthump.com

FRIDAY is the 6th annual “Take Your Dog to Work Day”, created by Pet Sitters International in 1999 to call attention to the wonderful companionship dogs provide and to encourage pet adoptions from animal shelters. If you’re going to participate, best to bring only potty-trained pets that are well behaved to the office.
PHONER: 336.983.9222 (Pet Sitters International, King NC)
NET: http://www.petsit.com/tydtwd/default.asp

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2003 [01] Movie actor Adam Sandler weds Jackie Titone in an outdoor ceremony attended by celebrity friends and his pet bulldog dressed in a tux

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1963 [41] 1st ‘live recording’ to top pop charts (Stevie Wonder’s “Fingertips Parts 1 & 2″)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1873 [131] PEI joins Canada (adding 137 people and 4 billion potatoes)

1979 [25] NHL absorbs Winnipeg, Québec, Hartford and Edmonton teams from defunct World Hockey Association (Winnipeg is now in Phoenix, Québec in Colorado, and Hartford in Carolina, leaving Edmonton Oilers as the only original WHA team still in existence)

1847 [157] 1st ‘doughnut’ (according to legend, doughnuts with a hole in the center were developed for sailors, so they could hook them over the spokes of a ship’s wheel while steering)

COMING UP . . .
[Wed]  Canada’s Walk of Fame Tribute Celebration & Gala (Toronto)
[Thurs] Discovery Day (NL)
[Thurs] Fête Nationale or St-Jean-Baptiste Day (QC)
[Sat] Celebrate Your Marriage Day
[Mon] Canadian Federal Election

[Wed] Let It Go Day    
[Thurs] Celebration of the Senses
[Sat] International Day in Support of Victims of Torture    
[Sat] Descendants Day
[Mon] National Columnists Day

This Week Is . . . National Cheese Week (honoring this show?)
This Month Is . . . Perennial Gardening Month (yep … it’s endless alright)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS CAR MODEL OR PASTA TYPE?
You run down the list rapid-fire while a contestant or studio guest tries to decide whether each is the name of a vehicle model or a type of pasta. If you’ve got an Italian on staff, it’s gonna be a bigga help!
Murano [Nissan]
Risino [pasta]
Magentis [Kia]
Amage [Bentley]
Montero [Mitsubishi]
Quadretti [pasta]
Quattroporte [Maserati]
Amoretti [pasta]
Forenza [Suzuki]
Sonoma [GMC]
Filini [pasta]
Impreza [Subaru]
Modena [Ferrari]
Tempeste [pasta]
Gallardo [Lamoborghini]
Ditalini [pasta]
Miata [Mazda]
Tubetti [pasta]
Funghini [pasta]

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• If it can’t be fixed by duct tape or WD40, it’s a female issue.
• Time used to fly. Now it’s afraid of terrorists.
• I’d admire the rich if they weren’t so miserable.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Hey, how are you feeling today? THIS happens most often on Tuesdays.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Babies are born.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Don’t count your chickens before the cows come home.

BULLSEYE:
Are you getting all of your e-mail? Once again today we ran into problems delivering “BS” to a couple of stations whose server has installed the so-called ‘Bayesian Spam Filter’ which automatically kicks out e-mail containing specific words, some of which might amaze you because they are so mild (we’d list them here but then many of you wouldn’t receive this). The Bayesian system returns offending e-mail with the message “an inappropriate word was found in the message body”. We can’t imagine which word in yesterday’s issue offended and obviously cannot write creative material while attempting to avoid someone’s arbitrary list. How does this not amount to censorship? To ensure you’re not having wanted e-mail blocked, we suggest you …
1. Ask your IT people if a Bayesian filter is being used so you know what you’re up against.
2. Ask if a ‘white list’ option is available. This is where you list the addresses of senders that you wish the filter to allow through (the opposite of a blacklist). “BS” is sent from the addresses bullmail@cogeco.ca or bullmail@TheBullSheet.com
3. Set up an e-mail account with another server as back-up (Hotmail and Yahoo! accounts, for instance, are free and can be accessed from any computer).

 


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