Monday, June 21, 2004        Edition: #2805
We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “NY Post” is reporting that Britney Spears’ boy-toy Kevin Federline popped the question and she accepted. On the other hand, her publicist promptly responded that the story is not true. On the other hand, “News of the World” reports the pair celebrated their engagement THURSDAY evening with a lavish, hush-hush party for family and friends. (On the other hand … who gives a crap?)
• UK’s “Daily Sport” reports twice-wed actress Drew Barrymore is engaged again, sporting a Cartier diamond engagement ring worth over $7,300 from Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti. (OK, which date do you want in the ‘break-up pool’?)
• “Extra” reports that Kelly Ripa has re-upped to co-star with Regis Philbin on “Live with Regis & Kelly” for 5 more years – for a reported $8 MILLION a year. (In 5 years it could be “Dead with Regis” – he’ll be hitting 78-years-old!)
• “E! Online” notes that Madonna’s 3rd children’s book in the planned 5-book series is set to hit bookstores TODAY. It’s titled , “Yakov & the Seven Thieves” (In which ‘Yakov’ ties a red string bracelet on his wrist and gives all his money to flimflam artists masquerading as mystical religious leaders.)
• “Sun” reports that now that Madonna has taken on the Kaballah name ‘Esther’, her husband Guy Ritchie insists on being called ‘Malachi’. (Well, he’s been called worse.)
• “National Enquirer” reports the latest ‘love match’ on “The Bachelor” has been sacked. NY Giants QB, Toronto-born Jesse Palmer, and Jessica Bowlin have gone their separate ways less than a month after ABC-TV aired their fairytale romance. (Funny how relationships in which a camera follows you around recording every bodily function don’t seem to work anymore.)
• “Page Six” says no one associated with Jennifer Lopez is allowed to talk about her to anyone. If they are an employee and they leak stories, they will be fired. If they are a friend, they will be shut out. J-Lo even pulled out of SATURDAY’S Olympic Torch ceremony in NYC as she continues her self-imposed exile from the media. (What can we say to J-Lo but … thanks!)

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Destiny’s Child – Word is Beyoncé, Kelly Rowland & Michelle Williams’ new CD will hit music stores this NOVEMBER.
• Cher – She’s added another 18 concerts to her “Farewell Tour” THIS SUMMER and then she swears she’s done, honest this time.
• Los Lonely Boys – TONIGHT they do “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC-TV.
• Madonna – FRIDAY she won her bid to stop hikers from traipsing over a hundred-acre section of her $16-million Ashcombe Estate in rural Britain.
• Avril Lavigne – A fan has paid more than $16,000 to lunch with her as part of an eBay charity auction for the Prostate Cancer Foundation. TONIGHT Avril’s on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”.
• Paul McCartney – YESTERDAY his outdoor concert at Palace Square in St Petersburg, Russia drew an estimated 50,000. The show started an hour-and-a-half late as fans were required to form long lines to pass through metal detectors.

MAKES SCENTS:
University of Southampton researchers have found that candles laced with eucalyptus, orange and thyme oils may destroy bacteria known to carry food-born diseases. According to the BBC, the method may be as effective as scrubbing with disinfectants. (“Billy! Before you come down for dinner, make sure you candle your hands.”)

DON’T LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT:
The chairmen of the Bulgarian Foundation on Cosmic Intelligence Research has unveiled a new unit of currency to be used between – extra-terrestrials and Earthlings. The “Galactos”, a 3-gram coin made of chrome and nickel, was unveiled LAST WEEK at a conference on UFOs in Sofia, Bulgaria. “We are offering the galactos as a means of payment between planets. It will represent the Earth in financial relations in the Cosmos,” Kiril Kanev told the conference. (Before wrapping his head in tin foil and crawling back into his cave.)

SEX HEX:
The “Archives of Ophthalmology” (got that one on your coffee table?) says vigorous sex can suddenly cause impaired vision if tiny blood vessels are broken or delicate tissues at the back of the eyeball tear. (So Mom was right when she said, “If  you don’t stop it you’ll go blind!”)

WHO SAYS THERE’S NOTHING GOOD ON TV?
Norwegian porn star Rocco is set to begin auditions for “Porn Idol”, a reality TV show which will try to find the next big Scandinavian porn star from hundreds of wannabes. Instead of singing, contestants will get in front of the camera and belt out fake orgasms. Those lucky enough to make it to the final round will have sex with a couple of porn stars in order to show off their talents. “Nettavisen” reports the “Porn Idol” winner will get a role in a big-budget Norwegian porn flick. (In this show if you’re screwed – you win!)

THE MARRIAGE TEST:
Harvard Medical School researchers have found that the way in which a husband and wife express their emotions can predict the stability and lifespan of their relationship. (For instance, it’s not considered a positive sign if you express ‘dismay’ – by picking up a weapon.)
 
2004′S MOST POWERFUL CELEBRITIES:
1. Mel Gibson
2. Tiger Woods
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. Tom Cruise
5. The Rolling Stones (huh?)
– “Forbes’ just-released annual list.

MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN ROCK:
1. Sharon Osbourne (the one responsible for the $150-million family fortune)
2. Satan (the Devil has all the best rock tunes)
3. Brian Becker (head of Clear Channel Entertainment)
4. Darkness frontman Justin Hawkins (who single-handedly put the fun back into rock & roll)
5. Nirvana’s late frontman Kurt Cobain
– Newly-released “Kerrang!” magazine list.

THE BULL SHEET 06.21.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [54] Joey Kramer, NYC, rock drummer (Aerosmith-“I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”)

1973 [31] Juliette Lewis, LA CA, movie actress (“Starsky & Hutch”)

1975 [29] Justin Cary, pop bassist (Sixpence None The Richer-“Kiss Me”)

1976 [28] Mike Einziger, LA CA, rock guitarist (Incubus-“Wish You Were Here”)

1982 [22] Prince William (William Arthur Philip Louis Windsor), London UK, 6-ft 2-in blonde, athletic, studly son of Prince Charles & Princess Diana/2nd-in-line to the British throne

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Astrology] Zodiac sign “Cancer the Crab” begins
[Halifax NS] “Founding Day” (1749)

TODAY is “National Aboriginal Day” in Canada, established in 1996 by Indian & Northern Affairs Canada as a day to learn more about the Aboriginal cultural heritages of Canada. Scores of events are planned across the country.
NET: http://www.ainc-inac.gc.ca/nad/index_e.html

TODAY through July 4th, the 2004 “Wimbledon Tennis Championships” are being played in London UK.
NET: http://www.wimbledon.org

TODAY is “Pick Up Some Litter Day”. (Great idea, but make sure it’s not the kitty’s!)

TODAY is “Aimless Wandering Day”. (Finally, someone’s taken interest in my career!)

TODAY is “Baby Boomers Recognition Day”, a special day to commemorate the accomplishments of old farts everywhere.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2003 [01] “Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix” is released in bookstores – and grosses more money than the movie opening of “Hulk”

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1948 [56] 33 1/3 rpm ‘LP record’ is introduced (something to tell your grandchildren about)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1879 [125] 1st ‘Five & Dime’ store opened by Frank Woolworth (forerunner of the ‘buck store’)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2000 [04] World’s ‘longest bench’ unveiled at flower show in Japan, measuring 1,832 feet and seating 900 people (the next day, the world’s largest collection of chewing gum wads is found underneath)

COMING UP . . .
[1 week today] Canadian Federal Election
[Wed] Canada’s Walk of Fame Tribute Celebration & Gala (Toronto)
[Thurs] Discovery Day (NL)
[Thurs] Fête Nationale or St-Jean-Baptiste Day (QC)
[Fri] Take Your Dog To Work Day    

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Carpenter Ant Awareness Week       
Helen Keller Deaf-Blindness Awareness Week        
National Camping Week
Take Your Dog to Work Week
National Cheese Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS SUMMER HAS ARRIVED:

• Idiots switch from asking “Cold enough for ya?” to “Hot enough for ya?”.
• Your friends with the pool have taken their phone off the hook.
• Bags of turtlenecks being dropped off at the Goodwill.
• Best tee-time available: 9 pm – a week from Tuesday.
• Don’t see any teenagers before noon.
• Just a couple weeks till hockey training camps begin. (But that’s okay – hockey has more to offer than other religions.)

BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• How come when they ‘dust’ for fingerprints on “CSI” they put dust ON, but when you ‘dust’ your furniture you take dust OFF? Huh? How come?
• Shouldn’t today’s kids be building tree condos?
• How come the traffic’s always lighter in someone else’s lane? Huh? How come?
• Isn’t EVERYTHING 100% natural?
• Howz come food tastes better when other people make it?
• Is work a lifetime sentence for not being rich? Huh? Is it?
• Isn’t the human body just another recyclable container? Huh? Isn’t it?
• Why is it we ridicule the homeless but we’re the ones waking up to alarm clocks?

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• How many different species of mosquitoes live in Canada
a. 7
b. 17
c. 70 [CORRECT]
d. Too damn many for the weekend barbecue.
– Department of Entomology, University of Guelph

• New car buyers were asked what feature, not normally offered, would be their #1 choice to have in their new vehicle. What was it?
a. A mini-bar.
b. A chauffeur.
c. Satellite TV.
d. A microwave oven. [CORRECT]

• What’s the most popular color in the world?
a. Blue [CORRECT]
b. Red
c. Green
d. Puce

• In a recent magazine poll, 27% of women say they want THIS before their big wedding day.
a. A new home.
b. To have their teeth whitened. [CORRECT]
c. One last girls’ night out.
d. A wild night of passion with someone other than their fiancé.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I want to have a good body … just not as much as I want dessert.
• I was just reading in a magazine that the average Canadian’s attention span is …
• Everything happens for a reason … even if that reason is to make your life miserable.
• Vacation in Asia! It makes you feel taller.
• The nice thing about swimming is … the worse you are at it, the more exercise you get.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A new poll finds an overwhelming number of single women prefer a man who has THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Short hair.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
A tip of da Bull’s horns to B103.9 Fort Myers FL and THE RIVER Lethbridge AB, who are back for another year of BS. We also salute samplers this week that include Don Vail @ MIX 106 Owen Sound ON, Wendy Williams @ 100.7 WZLX Boston MA, John St Vic @ WGLM West Lafayette IN, Jeffrey Brian Nelson @ KLTW Bend OR, and Ryan McWilley @ KWTS Canyon TX. Remember BSers, tell a colleague in another market about “The Bull Sheet”. We’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each and every new subscriber you refer!

 


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