Friday, June 18, 2004        Edition: #2804
Don’t Take Any Sheet … Unless It’s Pure Bull!

TODAY a star-studded, invitation-only memorial service is scheduled for R&B legend Ray Charles in LA, with Clint Eastwood, Stevie Wonder, Willie Nelson & BB King expected to attend . . . SUNDAY the 2004 “Muchmusic Video Awards” are handed out in Toronto by presenters that include Avril Lavigne, Justin Hawkins of The Darkness, Default, Joel Madden of Good Charlotte, Nickelback, Our Lady Peace, Sam Roberts, and Simple Plan . . . SUNDAY on “60 Minutes”, Dan Rather interviews former US Prez Bill Clinton who’ll reportedly say he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky in the White House – just because he could (his autobiography “My Life” is out TUESDAY) . . . The UK’s “Big Brother” reality show has become far more exciting than the US version, with cops called in to break up a drunken middle-of-the-night brawl involving several contestants, one eventually collapsing and throwing up on the bathroom floor (participants may face expulsion and legal charges) . . . Overwrought pop singer Michael Bolton (“How Am I Supposed to Live Without You”) is shopping a syndicated daytime TV talk show aimed at women 25-54 (so far, no takers – thank god) . . . “Mean Girls” actress Lindsay Lohan has apologized to mental health associations who’ve been slamming her for repeatedly using the slang word ‘retarded’ in interviews (she’ll now use the more gentle term ‘freakin’ goofy’) . . . The ex-wife of “Lord Of The Rings” actor Viggo Mortensen has gone to court requesting an increase in child support for their son to $18,000 – per month! . . . True Scotsman Rod Stewart made a 20-mile trip back to a top LA restaurant after he noticed he was charged for a bottle of mineral water he hadn’t ordered, then wouldn’t leave until the lousy 4 bucks was removed from his credit card bill (“Do You Think I’m Stingy?”) . . . And congrats to Julia Roberts who has given up smoking, at least while she’s  pregnant, according to “Hello!” magazine.

• Barenaked Ladies – TONIGHT and Saturday they play the new billion-dollar Fallsview Casino in Niagara Falls ON.
• Diana Krall – TOMORROW she begins a 34-concert US tour in Philadelphia.
• Shania Twain – LAST NIGHT at her Vancouver concert, 12 locals chosen in auditions got to play the drum riffs in her tune “I’m Outta Here” while marching on stage. The winners also received front-row seats.
• Gretchen Wilson – TONIGHT the country chart-topper is on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Britney Spears – “Everytime” songwriter Guy Sigsworth produced Madonna’s “What It Feels Like For A Girl” and started his career playing keyboards on Seal’s “Crazy”.
• Alan Jackson – He’ll release a new studio album in SEPTEMBER that includes his new single, “Too Much of a Good Thing”.
• John Mayer – TONIGHT he appears on NBC-TV’s late night “Last Call With Carson Daly”.

• “The Terminal” (PG-13 Drama): Tom Hanks plays an immigrant who finds himself stranded in an airport after his country ceases to exist. Catherine Zeta-Jones is the stewardess who becomes the love of his life whenever she touches down. Inspired by the true-life experience of Iranian refugee Merhan Nasseri, who was denied entry to France in 1988 because his passport and UN refugee certificate had been stolen, so he stayed in Paris’ Charles de Gaulle Airport as a stateless person.
• “Dodgeball: a True Underdog Story” (PG-13 Comedy): When corporate workout chain ‘Globo Gym’ moves to town a locally owned fitness gym loses so much business its manager (Vince Vaughn) can’t make the mortgage payment. Faced with going under, the crew from ‘Average Joes’ enters a high-stakes dodgeball competition in which they face the ‘Globo Purple Cobras’, led by a borderline insane bodybuilder (Ben Stiller). Talk about ‘physical comedy’ – Stiller broke 3 cameras in-a-row filming one scene, and even accidentally hit his wife Christine Taylor in the face.
• “Around the World in 80 Days” (PG Adventure): Steve Coogan & Jackie Chan co-star in this updated version of Jules Verne’s classic tale of English adventurer ‘Phileas Fogg’ who accepts a bet that he can traverse the globe in 80 days using any mode of transportation available. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a cameo as a polygamous prince with a huge appetite for the ladies (isn’t that type-casting?).

Susumu Tachi, a professor of Computer Science & Physics at the University of Tokyo, has developed a garment that makes it possible to see through the wearer – sort of. Actually, the ‘optical camouflage cloak’ uses light-reflective beads and tiny cameras that project what is behind the wearer on to the front of the garment, and vice versa. The effect makes the wearer blend in with the background and thus appear invisible. (The Pentagon’s gonna love this!)
– “London Observer”

Men who have difficulty getting an erection could soon use an inhaler to help improve their sex lives. British scientists at ‘Vectura’ are trying to put the active ingredients of an anti-impotence drug into an inhaler. The researchers believe that breathing in the drug, rather than swallowing it, will enable men to get an erection more quickly. (And will lead to all kinds of fun if you have a son with asthma.)

Germany’s 400-year-old Neuzeller Kloster Brewery has developed what it calls ‘Anti-Aging-Bier’, a healthful ale bolstered with – minerals and seaweed. It’s described as a dark beer with a bitter aftertaste but, surprisingly, not a hint of fishiness. The brewer claims it has double the anti-oxidant effect of other beers, thereby helping to stave off illness and prolonging life. (Warning: The effect diminishes by your 18th round.)
– Reuters

A new study of mature adults suggests that ‘60 is the new 40′. British research into the biggest and wealthiest consumer group shows life has never been better for over-50s. Here’s why – they hold 80% of the wealth, 49% still enjoy a healthy sex life, and 75% retain a positive attitude toward life. The new acronym for active geezers is ‘GOTYs’ – Getting Older, Thinking Younger’. (We call ‘em ‘DALFYS’ – ‘Drive A Little Faster, You Stiff‘!)
– “Daily Telegraph”

A new study reveals that striving for perfection in everything is not only unrealistic, it’s bad for your health! Researchers found that perfectionists often suffer from physical and mental health problems because they keep pressurizing themselves to succeed. They are also more likely to have eating disorders, difficult relationships and suicidal tendencies. (That’s why we screw up so much on this show – we’re just trying to stay healthy.)
– “The Sun”

Video director Floria Sigismondi, who worked on Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” video as well videos for Bjork, Marilyn Manson & David Bowie, has wed in a quiet ceremony in a Toronto park, wearing an Empire-bodiced dress with multiple layers of tulle projecting over her pregnant belly and, between the uppermost layers of tulle – a swarm of live bees.

A 35-year-old Norwegian man can expect severe punishment when he appears in Oslo court this AUGUST. Carin Pettersson is charged with 11 cases of DUI and a slew of other traffic offences over 5 years. His biggest mistake – screaming down a highway at 190 km/hr (118 mph) with a blood alcohol count over 1.0, slowing at police road blocks only long enough to – give the cops the finger through his sun roof. (Coincidentally, he’s Norway’s biggest Glen Campbell fan.)
– “Aftenposten”

George Bush, who skydived to celebrate his 80th birthday, has a way to go to beat this guy – 101-year-old Frank Moody of Cairns, Australia is believed to have become the ‘World’s Oldest Skydiver’ after he accepted a dare from friends and jumped out of an airplane THIS WEEK at about 10,000 feet. The previous record was set by a 94-year-old Norwegian in 1999.

• Nearly a third of the calories in the average American diet comes from sweets & desserts, soft drinks, alcohol, salty snacks & fruit-flavored drinks.
– “Journal of Food Composition & Analysis”
• Although two-thirds of America’s 3 million high school seniors will soon start college, half of them will drop out before graduating.
– “Washington Post Magazine”
• THIS YEAR’s “World Poultry Farmers’ Congress” was held … in Turkey.
• THIS WEEK “Playgirl “ magazine launched in Russia with a state-imposed quota – only 6 large photos of penises per issue.

“She’s NOT pregnant!”
– Jennifer Aniston’s publicist contradicting recent rumors.

1942 [62] Sir Paul McCartney, Liverpool UK, rock billionaire (Beatles-“Let it Be”, Wings-“Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1999)  FACTOID: SUNDAY he’s scheduled to play an outdoor concert in St Petersburg, Russia with a potential audience of 40,000 to see his 3,000th live show.

1942 [62] Roger Ebert, Urbana IL, syndicated TV/newspaper film critic (“Chicago Sun Times”)

1970 [34] Brian “Head” Welch, Torrance CA, rock guitarist (Korn-“Did My Time”)

1971 [33] Nathan Morris, Philadelphia PA, R&B singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”)

1976 [28] Blake Shelton, Ada OK, country singer (“The Baby”)

1948 [56] Phylicia Rashad (Ayers-Allen), Houston TX, Broadway actress (2004 Tony Award-“Raisin in the Sun”)/former TV actress (“The Cosby Show” 1984-92)/ex-Mrs Ahmad Rashad

1951 [53] Ann Wilson, San Diego CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“Magic Man”)

1954 [50] Kathleen Turner, Springfield MO, movie actress (“Romancing the Stone”)/stage actress (“The Graduate”)

1954 [50] Tasmanian Devil (‘Taz’), Hollywood CA, WB cartoon character who sounds like a buzzsaw when he goes into a whirlwind (debuts in “Devil May Hare”, co-starring Bugs Bunny)

1962 [42] Paula Abdul, Van Nuys CA, TV judge (“American Idol”)/has-been pop singer who was about as hot as you can get back in 1988 (Grammy-“Opposites Attract”)/choreographer

1978 [26] ‘Garfield’, Jim Davis’ fat cat comic strip 1st appears in newspapers (now read by over 220 million in more than 2,500 newspapers worldwide)  FACTOID: Nowadays, the little fat guy is a multimedia conglomerate, spawning not only a movie but a wide range of products …

TODAY is “National Splurge Day”, when we’re encouraged to go out and do something indulgent. (Don’t go overboard, because TOMORROW is ‘National Return Everything You Bought on Splurge Day’.)
PHONER: 773.743.5341 (Adrienne Sioux Koopersmith, Chicago)

TODAY is “Work@Home Father’s Day”, held the Friday before “Father’s Day” to honor fathers who work from home as a means of providing balance between professional satisfaction and family interaction. An IDC Research poll shows 45% of at-home workers have at least 1 child under 18 in the home, so a work@home dad’s experience can be very different from other dads. Cartoonist Brian Basset finds the humor in the lifestyle in his daily comic strip “Adam”.

SATURDAY is “World Sauntering Day”, encouraging us to revive the lost Victorian art of the leisurely stroll. On this day you can meander, roam, wander, lollygag, promenade, amble, mosey or rove, but absolutely may not strut, march, sashay, swagger, or jog.

SATURDAY is “World Juggling Day”, when juggling clubs affiliated with the International Jugglers Association hold local festivals to demonstrate, teach and celebrate their art in cities all over the world.

SATURDAY is “National Martini Day”. (Recipe for a very dry martini – 1. Take one bottle of gin.)

SUNDAY is “Father’s Day”. A few Dad’s Day facts …
• First proclaimed by Spokane WA mayor 94 years ago (June 19, 1910) at the request of Louise Smart Dodd, who got the idea a year earlier during a Mother’s Day church sermon.
• Now celebrated in about 20 countries, on the 3rd Sunday of June in the USA, Britain and Canada.
• An estimated $1 billion are now spent each year on “Father’s Day” gifts.
• The National Restaurant Association says “Father’s Day” is the 4th most popular special day for dining  out, after birthdays, “Mother’s Day” and “Valentine’s Day”.

1816 [188] 1st “Thanksgiving Day” celebrated in Upper Canada (later moved to October when people complain, “It’s too darn hot to roast a turkey in June!”)

1983 [21] 1st American woman in space (Sally Ride-7th Space Shuttle mission)

1992 [12] Italian police arrest a man for stealing a total of 17,000 little bars of hotel soap

[Sun] Summer begins (8:57 pm EDT)
[Mon] Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day    
[Mon] Pick Up Some Litter Day
[Mon] Canadian Aboriginal Day
[Wed]  Canada’s Walk of Fame Tribute Celebration & Gala (Toronto)
[Thurs] Discovery Day (NL)
[Thurs] Fête Nationale or St-Jean-Baptiste Day (QC)
This Week Is . . . Forgiveness Week
This Month Is . . . Fight the Filthy Fly Month


• Natural-scented candles.
• Spread it on paper scraps to make instant Post-It Notes.
• Inexpensive blonde highlights.
• Low-carb alternative to boogers.
• Sister repellent.
– Scott Atwood & Christian Shelton

“Can I borrow the car keys?”
“Here have this Dad, I can’t eat the rest.”
“I’m calling from the police station.”
“Do we have insurance on the car?”
“It’s only a small tattoo.”
“Wow, Mom spanks harder than that!”

• I just bought a new [u pick] and it came with a warranty: “If it breaks, both halves are yours.”
• What’s the definition of eternal love? Ray Charles & Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Today’s Question: According to a survey, THIS is the most annoying thing happy couples do.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Call each other cute nicknames.

A father is a banker provided by nature.


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