Monday, June 14, 2004
Thanks to You, This is BS Edition #2800!
TACKY TABLOID BS:
• TONIGHT Paris Hilton will appear on “The Late Show” to promote the 2nd season of “The Simple Life” (debuting WEDNESDAY) after dodging David Letterman for nearly a year. “NY Post” says she was booked to appear LAST YEAR but canceled at the last minute when that X-rated video surfaced on the Internet (it’s coming to video stores TOMORROW). Letterman turned the incident into a running gag.
• Is Jennifer Lopez really on husband #4? According to popbitch.com, insiders suggest she had a hushed-up teenage marriage.
• Meantime, Marc Anthony is getting tough with ex-wife Dayanara Torres. According to court papers obtained by the magazine “People En Espanol”, he plans to fine her $10,000 every time she speaks about him, J-Lo or their children in the media.
• “Daily Mirror” reports that J-Lo’s production company has purchased the rights to a movie about Puerto Rican jazz superstar Hector Lavoe as a starring vehicle for – guess who? – new hubby Marc Anthony. Apparently she learned her lesson from “Gigli”, however, and will not co-star in the film.
• Christina Aguilera has made the final step toward cleaning up her image. “Daily Dish” reports she’s had all her intimate body piercings removed – except for the one in her right nipple.
• “Star” magazine quotes a source saying that ‘N Sync’s Joey Fatone has had the name of his fiancee, Kelly Baldwin, tattooed – on the inside of his lower lip.
• Mattel has acquired licensing rights to manufacture an “American Idol”-themed ‘Barbie’ doll. “National Enquirer” reports the special-edition will be packaged with “A-I” stage accessories and is scheduled to hit stores NEXT WINTER.
• “Daily Record” reports that Keanu Reeves put his action hero training to good use when he was recently caught in a drive-by shooting in LA. The rag claims supermarket windows shattered and shoppers screamed in terror but the 39-year-old actor stayed calm and ordered panicked customers to get down. After the gunshots died down Reeves peaked outside the store to make sure the coast was clear, then ordered the store owner to call the cops. Police believe the shooting was a random attack by a gang member trying to prove himself.
• YESTERDAY, on their 18th birthday, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen officially became co-presidents of their $1-billion empire, Dualstar Entertainment, reports “NY Daily News”. Not bad considering they only graduated from Campbell High School in Hollywood on FRIDAY. Their personal fortune is estimated at $150 million – each.
WACKIEST WEEKLY TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “English Are World’s Most Unattractive People, Says French Study!”
• “Concrete Enemas a Bad Idea, Docs Warn!”
• “Gotcha! Jeweler Invents Wedding Ring That Changes Color If You Cheat!”
• “New Beach Peril: Squirrel Fish!
• “Terror Toads Invading America’s Toilets!”
• “Louse from Saddam’s Beard Worth Millions!”
• “Warning: Smoking Can Turn You Gay!”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Hoobastank – TONIGHT they’re on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Mario Winans – He first made a name for himself as drum programer and percussionist for R Kelly and Pebbles.
• Janet Jackson – Her last husband Rene Elizondo got $15 million cash, a $120,000 Mercedes SL600 and an $8 million, 5-bedroom Malibu beachfront home in the divorce settlement.
• Britney Spears – She’s scheduled to find out TODAY if she can resume her Onyx Hotel Tour after a knee operation to correct an injury suffered during a recent video shoot.
• John Mayer – In an interview to be published in the JULY issue of “Esquire” magazine, he says the record industry should stop suing kids who download music.
• Lonestar – TODAY they’re on TV talk show “On Air With Ryan Seacrest”.
• Gretchen Wilson – At this weekend’s “CMA Music Festival”, Ronnie Dunn of Brooks & Dunn introduced her as “The fastest woman in the history of country music!” Oops! As the show was being taped for CBS-TV, he had to do a re-take correcting that to “The fastest woman in the history of country music to receive a platinum album!”.
HARDER THAN SIT-UPS:
Japanese doctor Hideo Yamanaka has developed a weight-loss program for men called ‘Onanibics’ that involves intense aerobic exercise through … er … well … masturbation. The good doc claims ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories. The only problem is, a typical guy would have to do it 4 or 5 times per day, more than a 100 times per month, for it to have any effect. He calculates that for each 2 kilos (about 5 lbs) of body weight you want to lose you’d need to use up 2 liters (a half-gallon) of semen. If that seems difficult, consider that it’s necessary for the process to last at least 15 minutes to get the full aerobic effect. (The real reason you lose weight – no time to left to eat!)
– “Weekly Playboy”
• Animal researchers in Leipzig, Germany report that an 8-year-old collie dog named ‘Rico’ can understand an incredible 200 words. (Unfortunately, none of them are ‘get your nose out of my crotch’.)
• Cambridge University scientists have found that sheep can recognize up to 50 facial expressions of other members of their flock and handlers. (Unfortunately for the sheep, one of them isn’t ‘lust’.)
FATHERS ARE FUNNIER:
The big difference between “Mother’s Day” and “Father’s Day” cards? Humor! A survey of greeting cards shows only about 15% of Mom’s Day greetings are funny, while the majority of Dad’s Day cards feature some form of humor. (“Father’s Day is a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!”)
SHOCKING NEWS – SOFT DRINKS ROT YOUR TEETH:
A study of the effects of carbonated drinks in the JULY/AUGUST issue of the journal “General Dentistry” finds that, over time, exposing dental enamel to carbonated beverages weakens and permanently destroys it. Researchers say that both carbonated drinks and canned ice tea contain flavor additives, such as malic, tartaric and other organic acids, which are more aggressive at eroding teeth.
LOSE YOUR KEYS THIS MORNING?
Researchers at Harvard Medical School have found that certain genes associated with the aging of the human brain may be responsible for the cognitive decline that occurs during middle age. What’s surprising is that the cognitive decline of the brain, often exemplified by memory loss, can begin around the age of – 40!
DON’T FORGET TO ORDER A COUPLE OF SMOKES FOR AFTERWARDS:
Horny young Swedes who forget to buy condoms now have a handy solution in the form of a ‘Condom Ambulance’ which delivers the necessary protection to couples in need. The Swedish Organization for Sex Education started the service in order to stifle the rapid increase of STDs among young adults. Now, hot and bothered couples can simply dial a hotline to have a white van emblazoned with a large red condom with wings as its logo deliver a handy pack of 10.
– Yahoo News
IT’S A WACK WORLD:
• A bus driver in Carroll, Iowa has resigned after being accused of allowing children as young as 11-years-old to drive … the school bus.
• Illegal loggers in a northern province of the Philippines have been hiring women to strip naked to prevent forest rangers from seizing stolen logs. How’s that work? It seems enforcement officers refuse to make busts for fear of being accused of exploitation or rape.
• Professional computer hackers in Russia are now advertising their services on the Internet, offering to ‘take out’ any designated Website for as little as … $60.
• A Salzburg, Austria waitress is facing life in jail after persuading a drunk to run into a wall in emulation of the ‘Touch Down’ game on the TV show “Jackass”. The 30-year-old man agreed to give it a try, ran headfirst into a wall, broke his neck … and died.
• A total of 9 police cruisers from 3 different forces responded to a panic call from a high school in Woodbury NY after a food fight broke out in the cafeteria involving … over 300 students.
FOR THE RECORD:
• 27-year-old London marathoner Huw (Hugh) Lobb has become the 1st human to win the annual “Man vs Horse” race in its 25-year history. SATURDAY he completed a 22-mile course through rural Wales in 2 hours, 5 minutes, 19 seconds, topping a field of 500 humans and over 40 horses to pick up the $45,000 prize, which had never been awarded before. Brit bookmaking firm William Hill had to pay out on scores of bets at odds of 16 to 1.
• 24-year-old IT consultant Tom Gibson is currently attempting a new world’s record for watching TV non-stop. Surprisingly, the current record is a paltry 47 hours, which Gibson plans to increase by 3 for a total of 50 hours of tube time.
– Sky News
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• DVD rental company Netflix has had a 1,100% increase in orders for Ronald Reagan movies since his death. Most popular – “Hellcats of the Navy”. (The one in which he co-starred and fell for wife Nancy.)
• JUNE is the month in which most people lose their virginity. (The figures may be skewed however, because [your co-host] lost it 23 times.)
AND WE QUOTE:
“It’s difficult for me to be a husband and a father and still be Bobby Brown.”
– Bobby Brown
THE BULL SHEET 06.14.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942  Bambi, Hollywood CA, famous orphan/spotted venison on-the-hoof (Disney movie 1st released)
1946  Donald Trump, NYC, real estate billionaire (Trump Tower/Plaza/Castle)/author (“The Art of the Deal”)/ex-Mr Marla, ex-Mr Ivana
1961  Boy George (George O’Dowd), Eltham UK, oldies singer (Culture Club-“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”, “Karma Chameleon”) whose stage musical “Taboo” was a hit in London but bombed on Broadway (costing investor Rosie O’Donnell a bundle)
1969  Steffi Graf (‘Fraulein Forehand’), Mannheim GER, retired tennis player who won 21 Grand Slam singles titles and earned over $20 million/Mrs Andre Agassi since 2001
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Family History Day”, a day to ‘share the folklore, legends and myths of your own particular family tree’ (aka ‘Cure Your Insomnia Day’).
TODAY is “Flag Day”, commemorating John Adams’ 1777 recommendation to Congress that the ‘Stars and Stripes’ be adopted as America’s flag. Unfortunately, Pennsylvania is the only state to celebrate JUNE 14th as a legal holiday.
• How many stars did the original flag have? (13)
• What’s the proper way to dispose of a used US flag? (Burning)
TODAY is the “229th Anniversary of the US Army” and to celebrate an all-time, all-star baseball team of Army vets has been compiled. Nice line-up – Willie Mays, Ty Cobb, Jackie Robinson, Hank Greenberg, Ernie Banks, Whitey Ford, Joe DiMaggio, and Warren Spahn.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1923  1st ‘country music’ recording (“The Little Old Log Cabin in the Lane” by Fiddlin’ John Carson)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841  1st ‘Canadian parliament’ convenes in Kingston ON (they vote themselves a 20% raise then adjourn for summer recess)
1994  New York Rangers win Stanley Cup for the 1st time in 54 years by defeating Vancouver Canucks
1834  1st ‘sandpaper’ invented by Isaac Fischer of Springfield VT (it changed the COARSE of history!)
1951  1st ‘commercial computer’ UNIVAC 1 unveiled by US Census Bureau (at 8 ft high, 7.5 ft wide and 14.5 ft long, it dimmed lights all over Washington when in use)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] “One Night In Paris” (Hilton) video released in stores
[Fri] Work@Home Father’s Day
[Sat] World Sauntering Day
[Sun] Father’s Day
[Sun] Summer begins
[Sun] MuchMusic Video Awards
This Week Is . . . Families in Business Week
This Month Is . . . Gay & Lesbian Pride Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: What do you call a group of penguins?
A: According to the 4th “International Penguin Conference” in 2000, a group of penguins on land is called a ‘waddle’, while a group in the water is called a ‘raft’.
Q: Who has more teeth, your pet sea turtle or [co-host]?
A: Sea turtles have no teeth.
Q: It beats its wings about 20,000 times per minute and has an average air-speed of about 4.5 mph. What is it?
A: A common housefly.
NAME-THAT-TUNE WITH A TWIST:
Have 2 contestants do battle over who can name a song in the least time. Start the bidding at 10 seconds, then have them bid down until one opts out. If the winning bidder can NOT name the tune in the time they claimed, the prize goes to the other contestant.
Have listeners call from their cars while stopped at a busy intersection. When the light turns green, have them sit there until horns start honking. Count the honks and pay a buck for every ‘beep’.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In 1998 only 48% of men did THIS for themselves. LAST YEAR 70% of men managed to do it on their own.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Buy clothes.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.