Friday, June 11, 2004        Edition: #2799
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!  

THIS WEEKEND Donald Trump is celebrating his 58th birthday (JUNE 14) at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City NJ, with Regis Philbin singing “Happy Birthday” and former “Apprentice” Troy McClain introducing the new “You’re Fired” music video (hope someone gets him a haircut) . . . THIS WEEKEND is the 3rd annual “Bonnaroo Music Festival” near Manchester TN, a 3-day camping & concert blow-out featuring The Dead, Willie Nelson, Dave Matthews & Bob Dylan among others ( . . . TOMORROW “Global Late Night” hosted by comedian Jebb Fink debuts, billed as a Canadian current-affairs talk/comedy show (and haunted by the ghost of Mike Bullard) . . . THIS WEEKEND the 1st casting calls for the upcoming “Gilligan’s Island” reality TV show will be held in Kansas (‘Mary-Ann’s’ home state) . . . An Orange County CA politician is lobbying to change the name of the local airport from ‘John Wayne Airport’ to ‘The OC Airport – John Wayne Field’ . . . “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek has been called for jury duty in Los Angeles (“I’ll take felonies for 500″) . . . “Survivor” creator Mark Burnett is developing the reality show “Rock Star”, in which contestants compete for the chance to sing in a real-life rock band (reportedly Australia’s INXS, whose lead singer Michael Hutchence committed suicide in 1997) and go on a world tour . . . Renee Zellweger is reportedly telling pals that she & rocker Jack White will wed THIS YEAR . . . Actress Catherine Zeta Jones revealed on “The Tonight Show” that she bought her namesake, grandma Zeta, the ultimate gift – a new pair of knees . . . The hit Reese Witherspoon movie “Legally Blonde” is being developed as both a TV series and a Broadway musical . . . And, take note guys, “Garfield” co-star Jennifer Love Hewitt says she’s convinced she’ll stay single forever because she never gets approached by men – they’re too intimidated by her celebrity status.

• “The Chronicles Of Riddick” (PG-13 Sci-Fi): Vin Diesel stars as an escaped convict who finds himself trapped in the middle of a galactic battle between the ‘Necromongers’ and the ‘Elementals’. Canadian actor Colm Feore, Thandie Newton & Judi Dench co-star. The film’s a sequel the 2000 cult favorite “Pitch Black”.
• “The Stepford Wives” (PG-13 Thriller): Nicole Kidman, Matthew Broderick & Bette Midler star in this remake of the 1975 movie about a couple that moves into an all-too-perfect suburban neighborhood consisting of all-too-perfect families. Turns out the husbands have been replacing their wives with subservient robots. Country star Faith Hill makes her acting debut in a supporting role and comic actor Jon Lovitz performs his first-ever nude scene (just a warning).
• “Garfield: The Movie” (PG Comedy): This live-action movie version of the Jim Davis comic strip features a CGI-animated ‘Garfield’ voiced by Bill Murray and Breckin Meyer as ‘Jon Arbuckle’, the fat cat’s owner (Jim Carrey turned down the role). The intricate plot involves ‘Odie’ the dog being kidnapped. After ‘Garfield’ gets over his gloating, he feels guilty and decides to find him. Hijinks ensue.

• Tim McGraw – TONIGHT he kicks off a 33-city summer tour in Virginia Beach VA, with opening acts Big & Rich and the Warren Brothers.
• Usher – TOMORROW he’s on “Saturday Night Live”.
• Avril Lavigne – She says she’s not a hardcore vegetarian but she’s stopped eating most meat.
• Kid Rock – TODAY he’s does “On Air With Ryan Seacrest”.
• Matthew Good – His new “White Light Rock & Roll Review” album, out TUESDAY, contains the hidden bonus track “Hopeless”, a song that he says came to him in the shower.

• Wacky artist Cosimo Cavallaro, who once repainted a NYC hotel room with melted mozzarella, has unveiled his latest creation at New York’s Roger Smith Hotel – a four-poster bed covered in 312 lbs of processed ham. When he was a kid, his mother ran a deli in Montréal. (Seems the ham doesn’t fall too far from the tree.)
• Inmates at a jail in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico where more than 300 women have been murdered over the past decade are now enjoying a new experimental rehabilitation program that includes piped-in classical music and – aromatherapy. (Mmm, do you smell blood?)
• A Chinese couple in Sichuan province who are in their 80s are divorcing after being happily married for decades. The problem? The husband came home one day as – an elderly woman. Seems he decided to have a sex change operation and forgot to mention it to the wife. She says she’s unable to come to terms with his new look. (And besides, he keeps stealing her underwear.)
• A female patient will never forget her visit to a Halton, England dentist. It took him 2 attempts to inject anesthetic, then he began a tooth extraction before it took effect, and finally he completely passed out – on top of her! Seems he’d had 6 glasses of wine during lunch. THIS WEEK the UK’s General Dental Council is considering a bit of yanking of their own – his license to practice.

THIS WEEK Eva Hofbauer of Korneuburg, Austria unofficially broke the record for wearing the ‘Longest Bridal Veil’ – 1.7 miles-long to be precise! It took hundreds of attendants to carry it into the church. If the “Guinness Book of Records” verifies it, it would break the previous record set by a Japanese bride with a veil 1.2 miles long.

Until June 22nd, any registered voter can walk into a local riding returning office and cast a ballot on the spot, rather than waiting for the official Federal Election Day June 28.  The address of the returning office in your riding is available on the Elections Canada Website.

76% of Americans claim they have a healthy diet even though 57% admit they’re overweight.
– New poll by Deloitte & Touche

“His hairy stomach was all over my couch, and he has gross back hair!”
– A roommate of Ben Affleck’s new girlfriend Enza Sambataro, quoted in “NY Daily News”.


1949 [55] Frank Beard, Frankston TX, classic rock drummer who is ironically the only member of the band WITHOUT a beard  (ZZ Top-“Tush”, “Legs”)

1978 [26] Joshua Jackson, Vancouver BC, TV actor (“Dawson’s Creek” 1998-2003)/movie actor (“Cruel Intentions”, “Scream 2″)

1924 [80] George Bush, Milton MA, 41st US President (1989-93)/Dubya’s dad  FACTOID: 5,000 guests are invited to his birthday party in Houston, including Vince Gill, Amy Grant, Bo Derek, Dennis Miller, former Russian prez Mikhail Gorbachev and former Brit PM John Major. SUNDAY he’s scheduled to parachute 13,000 feet from a plane to mark another decade of his life.

1941 [63] Marv Albert (Marv Philip Aufrichtig), Brooklyn NY, NBC-TV’s NBA play-by-play sportscaster who’s been known to have some strange sexual proclivities

1951 [53] Brad Delp, Boston MA, classic rock guitarist/singer (Boston-“More Than a Feeling”, “Long Time”)

1959 [45] Scott Thompson, North Bay ON, TV actor/comedian (“Larry Sanders Show” 1995-1998, “The Kids in the Hall” 1989-1994)

TODAY is the annual “Hug Holiday”, begun by some eternal optimist somewhere who thinks most of the world’s troubles can be solved with a tight clinch. C’mon now, don’t be shy – group hug everybody!

TODAY is “King Kamehameha Day”, honoring Hawaii’s first king who unified the Hawaiian Islands in 1810. Not very significant, but it sure is fun saying ‘Kah-MAY-uh-MAY-uh’!

TODAY through June 22nd Readlyn IA holds its 100th annual celebration of “Grump Days”, a spinoff from the town’s welcome sign which says, ‘Welcome to Readlyn, home to 857 friendly people and one old grump.’ This year, Janice Heineman has been crowned ‘Queen Grump’ and will preside over the annual parade JUNE 19th.
PHONER: 319.279.3411 (Mayor Don Koschmeder)

TOMORROW is the “World Naked Bike Ride” when naturists around-the-globe will take to the streets on bicycles to protest oil dependency and ‘celebrate the power and individuality of our bodies’. Groups have been organized to participate in Montréal, Toronto, Vancouver, & Victoria.
US cities participating include Austin TX, Chicago, LA, Portland OR, San Diego, San Francisco and Seattle.

TOMORROW is “Taco Day”, a day to stuff a hard tortilla shell with your favorite hot ‘n spicy fillings. (And pay for it later.)

TOMORROW is “Kitchen Klutzes Day”, a day to prepare any recipe that contains no more than 4 ingredients (not including water, salt & pepper). It must be easy enough to prepare even for the truly inept. (What’s the easiest dinner to make? Mac & cheese?)

JUNE is “National Rose Month”, honoring America’s national floral emblem. Roses are grown in all 50 states and more than 1.2 billion cut roses are sold annually. Not everybody loves them though – ‘anthophobia’ is the fear of roses.

2001 [03] 1st episode of NBC-TV reality show “Fear Factor”, offering $50,000 cash prize to contestants who dare to confront their worst fears (walking tightropes, being dragged along the ground by horses, leaping across moving semi-trucks, letting snakes crawl all over them, etc)

2002 [02] 59-year-old Paul McCartney weds 34-year-old Heather Mills at Castle Leslie in Ireland

1983 [21] 1st federal PC leader from Québec since Confederation (the beloved Brian Mulroney, father of “Canadian Idol” host Ben)

1994 [10] World’s ‘largest popcorn container’ unveiled in Jacksonville FL which at 8-feet-high holds 6,620 cubic feet of popcorn

[Sat] 10-year anniversary of Nicole Simpson/Ronald Goldman murders
[Mon] Family History Day
[Mon] World Juggling Day
[Tues] “One Night In Paris” (Hilton) video released in stores
This Week Is . . . Credit Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . International People Skills Month


• At a car wash, you witness the manager firing one of the attendants for doing too good a job and taking too long. Do you speak up?
• You’re divorcing and must split your assets with your ex- who doesn’t know the true extent of your wealth. Do you disclose it?
• In a parking lot, you accidentally dent someone’s car door. Do you leave a note taking responsibility?
• You want to quit a job without notice but you need a good reference from your employer. Do you invent a family health emergency?
• It’s a sweltering night and you don’t have air conditioning. Your new neighbors are away and their swimming pool looks inviting. Do you cool off in it?

The 2-hour “100 Greatest Love Songs” special airs SUNDAY on CMT. Here’s their top 5 …
1. “I Will Always Love You” by Dolly Parton
2. “You Were Always On My Mind” by Willie Nelson
3. “Sweet Dreams” by Patsy Cline
4. “Forever & Ever Amen” by Randy Travis
5. “Hello Darlin” by Conway Twitty

Do you care if Don Cherry comes back NEXT SEASON on “Hockey Night in Canada”?

• How many times bigger than the human stomach is 7-Eleven’s “X-treme Gulp”?
a. One-and-a-half times as big. [CORRECT]
b. Two-and-half times as big.
c. Take away all the ice and the cup’s false bottom and there’s only 4 ounces.
d. Five times as big, unless you’re Diana DeGarmo.

• What was actor Billy Bob Thornton’s mother?
a. A psychic. [CORRECT]
b. A psychologist.
c. A hooker.
d. A chimp.

• According to the book “Love for Sale”, how many men pay for sex while visiting Asia or Africa?
a. 2 out of 3.
b. 3 out of 4. [CORRECT]
c. 1 out of 1.
d. None if you ask them afterward.

Wow, today’s show is really zipping along. It took off like a parachute.

Today’s Question: Retail stats show that women are now outspending men on THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Tattoos.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.


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