Wednesday, June 9, 2004        Edition: #2797
Sheet For Brains!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY-Saturday hockey tryouts for the CBC-TV training camp reality show “Making The Cut” take to the ice in Calgary (NEXT WEEK in Ottawa & Montréal) . . . A guest at the quickie weekend wedding claims Jennifer Lopez was in a hurry to marry Marc Anthony because – she’s pregnant (let the lawsuits begin!) . . . British bookmaker Ladbrokes is giving the J-Lo/Marc Anthony marriage 3-1 odds of surviving until the end of the year and offers 10-1 odds that she’ll marry more than 8 times in her life (topping Elizabeth Taylor) . . . Gwyneth Paltrow, Tobey Maguire, Prince, Shania Twain, Pierce Brosnan & Oukast rapper Andre 3000 are among those grabbing votes in a new PETA online poll to find the “World’s Sexiest Vegetarian” . . . Word has it co-stars Colin Farrell & Salma Hayek have become an item on the South African set of the movie “Ask the Dust” . . . While in Toronto making the movie “Assault on Precinct 13″, actor Ethan Hawke has again been spotted with Canadian model Jen Perzow, the infamous cause of his marriage split with Uma Thurman . . . After creating a pendant for “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino, judge Paula Abdul has decided to turn her hobby into  business venture by marketing her own jewelry line to be called ‘Innergy’ . . . “Jersey Girl” director Kevin Smith says Ben Affleck is taking a 1-year break from acting (it apparently started with “Gigli”) . . . And for his role as ‘Balian Of Ibelin’ in director Ridley Scott’s upcoming movie about the 12th century crusades, “Kingdom of Heaven”, screen hunk Orlando Bloom has been asked to wear – a chest wig (ah, a good use for all that back hair you keep having waxed off!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – She’s snapped up 2 apartments in NYC’s prestigious One Beacon Court building for a staggering $8 million, planning to turn them into one gigantic Big Apple base. She already has homes in Miami Beach and Houston.
• Kylie Minogue – She’s suddenly called off her wedding to her French actor lover Oliver Martinez with no reason given.
• Madonna – She’ll play silent movie star Texas Guinan in the upcoming bigscreen musical “Hello Sucker!” which she’ll co-produce with Martin Scorsese and also compose music.
• Avril Lavigne – She claims Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst flew on a private jet to be at one of her shows, expecting her to sleep with him. She wouldn’t go anywhere near him.
• Kid Rock – TONIGHT he does “Late Show With David Letterman”.

MODERN ENGLISH 101:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Living Bandage’ – A bandage or dressing made from skin cells, particularly cells cultured from a sample of the patient’s own skin. (“Quit picking at your bandage, Billy. It’s alive … alive!”)
• ‘Six-Pack Tummy Tuck‘ – A new cosmetic surgery in which waist fat is removed and abdominal muscles sewn together to give the illusion of a pumped-up ‘six-pack’, a procedure for which Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr Anthony Griffin charges circa $15,000. He also offers the ‘Brazilian Butt Lift’.
• ‘Mongo’ – Objects retrieved from the garbage either through ‘dumpster diving’ or ‘drive-by shopping’. (“We furnished the entire living room in early Victorian mongo.”)

GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• German inventor Alex Benkhardt is looking to export his ‘WC Ghost’ to foreign markets. The gadget fits under the toilet seat rim and when the seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone:
“What are you up to? Put the seat back down right away, you are definitely not to pee standing up … you will make a mess!” He’s already sold more than 1.6 million of the gizmos in Europe.
• Donell Co skin-care researchers have come up with a new line of creams to heal irritated skin. The primary ingredient – cartilage taken from cows! The bovine byproduct is said to work wonders on redness from leg waxing, oozing from facial peels, rawness from rashes and the general crustiness of dry skin. In case all of this leaves you a tad woozy, keep in mind the company promises the products don’t contain any diseased cow parts. (Oh thank god … just noses and ears then.)
• Sharp Corp’s new V602SH cellphone is likely the king of handheld gadgets. “New Scientist” reports it not only allows you to play 3-D games, send e-mail and take high-quality digital photos, it also features a radio, mini-TV, video editor and … karaoke machine. (Cool, 27 different ways to annoy people instead of just stupid ring-tones!)

SOCIAL STUDIES:
• According to researcher Tim Spector at St Thomas’ Hospital in London, genetics have a bearing on human sexual behavior. He claims the secret to a lasting relationship lies not in our stars, but in our genes. (Apparently J-Lo has none.)
– ANI
• New research shows that the last areas of the brain to mature in humans are those responsible for reasoning, problem-solving and other sophisticated functions. Those parts don’t fully develop until ages 18 to 21. (No shock to the parents of teens.)
– “Proceedings of the National Academy of Science”

HO HOUSE FOR SALE:
The Chicken Ranch, one of the best-known brothels in Nevada, is up for sale for just under $7 million. Owner Ken Green says he’s developed the property from 2 doublewide trailers 22 years ago into a 40-acre spread with a bar, parlor, swimming pool and 3 bungalows with ‘Wild West’, ‘Victorian’ and ‘Jungle’ themes (especially for Cheetahs).
– “Daily News”

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• 80% of men and 50% of women think they are better at navigating than their significant other.
• 66% of children aged 6-14 believe it will be important to be rich when they grow up.
• 55% of women and 44% of men think they are photogenic.
• 47% of single women secretly plan to marry their male best friend if they can’t find a husband by a certain age.
• 30% of women under 30 have worn a bathing suit under their clothes at work … so they can sunbathe during lunch break.
• 15% of us think the boss we have now is the worst we’ve ever had.

SMELLIEST SHOW BIZ CELEBS:
A review of stars who, for one reason or another, are a real ‘noseful’ …
• Brad Pitt (needs to shower after workouts)
• Christina Aguilera (needs to tone down strong perfume)
• Russell Crowe (could use a good deodorant)
• Bob Dylan (doesn’t wash often enough)
• Hayden Christensen (eww … bad breath!)
• David Bowie (reportedly doesn’t bathe enough)
• Courteney Cox (even her husband David Arquette says she sometimes ‘smells like a truck driver’)
– “Star” magazine

BULL’S GROSS-OUT MOOS:
• The municipal council of Kotzen, Germany has voted 5-3 against changing the town’s name even though local residents are fed up with all the jokes about it. Why? ‘Kotzen’ is German for ‘barf’.
• Speaking of which – if you vomit in the streets of Bendigo, Australia you may have to clean it up. Local authorities are so sick of the stench in town after big party nights, they’re vowing to make offenders use a bucket and mop to scrub up their own mess. A local cop and master of understatement says drunken behavior is ‘a bit of a problem’ there.
• A group of Buddhist monks in Nara, Japan has blocked the trademarking of the name of a candy called ‘Snot From The Nose of the Great Buddha’. Of course, that hasn’t stopped vendors from selling it to tourists at a giant Buddha statue near their monastery. The gooey sweets come in a package featuring a picture of a stylized Buddha – with a finger up his nose!

BS AMAZING FACT:
• According to a new retail poll, the average Canadian shopper will only wait a maximum of 5 minutes at a checkout. After that, we give up on the purchase … an impatience factor that costs retailers with poor service an estimated $1.9 billion annually.
• A third of the world’s population still drives on the left-hand side of the road.
• The state of Montana’s applications for drivers’ and fishing licenses may be the first forms anywhere to offer ‘bald’ as a choice under hair color.
• When Saddam Hussein was dragged out of his underground hideaway he had a loaded pistol in his lap. The gun was later presented to George W Bush, who keeps it as a mounted trophy in a small study adjoining the Oval Office.

AND WE QUOTE:
“At the rate she’s going, she’s going to use up half of Hollywood by 2010.”
– Marriage counselor Sharyn Wolf on J-Lo’s latest wedding in “NY Post”.

THE BULL SHEET 06.09.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [43] Michael J Fox, Edmonton AB, ex-TV actor (“Spin City” 1996-2000)/movie actor (“Back to the Future” series, “Stuart Little 1 & 2″) who quit his hit sitcom and launched the Michael J Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research

1963 [41] Johnny Depp, Owensboro KY, movie actor (“Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl”, “Chocolat”)  COMING UP: Plays ‘Willy Wonka’ in “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory”, and returns as ‘Captain Jack Sparrow’ in “Pirates of the Caribbean 2″.

1964 [40] Gloria Reuben, Toronto ON, TV actress (‘Brooke Haslett ‘ on “1-800-Missing” 2003-2004, ‘Lisa Fabrizzi’ on “The Agency” 2001-2002, ‘Dr Jeanie Boulet’ on “ER” 1995-1999)  FACTOID: She got her break as an early host of Canadian pre-schooler program “Polka Dot Door” in 1971.

1965 [39] New Zealand man with world-record 2,310 first names (you oughta see his driver’s license!)

1981 [23] Natalie Portman, Jerusalem ISR, movie actress (‘Senator Padme Amidala-Skywalker’ in “Star Wars: Episode I-III”)  UP NEXT: Stars in the romantic comedy “The Smoker”.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Donald Duck’s 70th Birthday”. On this date in 1934, he was ‘born’ out of the imagination of Walt Disney as the speech-impaired, web-footed movie star of the animated short “The Wise Little Hen”. His voice was provided by Clarence Nash.

THIS WEEK is “Little League Week”, celebrating the founding of Little League Baseball in 1939 in Williamsport PA with 3 teams. At the time, a $35 donation would purchase uniforms … for all of them! The 2004 “Little League Baseball World Series” is scheduled for August 20-29th.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1822 [182] 1st patent for ‘false teeth’ (and 1st kid drinks the glass of water on grandpa’s night stand)

1899 [105] 1st ‘Moving Staircase’ built, forerunner of the ‘Escalator’

1923 [81] 1st ‘armored car’ is introduced by Brinks

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1993 [11] Last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup as Montréal Canadiens beat LA Kings 4 games to 1 for their 24th championship

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] CMA Music Festival begins (Nashville)
[Thurs] 2004 MTV Movie Awards (recorded Saturday)
[Thurs] Songwriters Hall of Fame Induction (NYC)
[Fri] Ronald Reagan national funeral service (Washington National Cathedral)
[June 15] “One Night In Paris” (Hilton) video released in stores
[June 20] MuchMusic Video Awards
[June 23]  Canada’s Walk of Fame Tribute Celebration & Gala (Toronto)
[June 28] Canadian Federal Election
This Week Is . . . Headache Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Cancer From The Sun Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:

• Whyzit the word abbreviation is so long?
• Whyzit that the people who never stop talking have the least to say?
• Whyzit we pay for psychotherapy when massages cost half as much?
• Whyzit there’s never time to do it right but always time to do it over?
• Whyzit opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment?

BS AD SLOGANS:
We give you the classic ad slogan, you tell us the product …
• “When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.” [Federal Express]
• “The San Francisco treat.” [Rice-a-Roni]
• “Makes hamburgers taste like steakburgers.” [A-1 Steak Sauce]
• “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” [United Negro College Fund]
• “Betcha can’t eat just one.” [Lay's Potato Chips]
• “Let your fingers do the walking.” [Yellow Pages]
• “Good to the last drop.” [Maxwell House Coffee]
• “M’m, M’m, Good! [Campbell's Soup]
• “Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven.” [Pillsbury]
• “We bring good things to life.” [General Electric]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average male spends a total of 33 days of his life doing THIS in the hope of making himself look better.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Removing facial hair.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
He who plows a straight furrow is probably in a rut.

 


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