Wednesday, June 25, 2003                           Edition: #2571
More From the Bovine Stool Dispenser!

YESTERDAY visitors to EuroDisney outside Paris were encouraged to celebrate Québec’s ‘Fête Nationale’ holiday by digging into some poutine (many were heard to exclaim, “Tabernac, dat’s good stuff!”) . . . TODAY Toronto-born “Austin Powers” actor Mike Myers will be given the key to the city & a stretch of Kennedy Road will be renamed ‘Mike Myers Way’ . . . Word is Shakira’s entire body has been replaced in a Reebok advertisement because it was easier to substitute an ad agency employee’s slimmer bod’ than to get the singer to skinny down (she’s putting on weight? … rumor, rumor!) . . . Nice-guy George Clooney has kept a promise made to his personal assistant’s dying mother that he would look after her daughter – by buying her a $2.3-million house on the same street he lives on (the guy’s more than just eyebrows) . . . Speaking of which – 44-year-old Madonna is threatening to sue Beverly Hills-based star-plucker Damone Roberts for continuing to claim he regularly sculpts her brows when he allegedly only did them once 3 years ago (presumably he’s making big marks by claiming he’s the one who conquered her unibrow) . . . U2’s 43-year-old Bono has had security stepped up for himself, wife Ali & their 4 kids after a series of death threats sparked by his campaign to help the world’s poor (he’s reportedly received some 24 disturbing letters) . . . That former Ozzy Osbourne groupie will have a tough time proving he fathered her 6-year-old – Ozzy tells “People” he had a vasectomy 17 years ago! (maybe they’ll have a re-enactment on next week’s “Osbournes” show?) . . . 43-year-old REM frontman Michael Stipe says he’s sick of the music industry’s attitude toward aging stars, claiming you do your best work when you’re experienced (anyone under 25 is right now saying, who’s Michael Stipe again?) . . . And Enrique Iglesias is selling his $12-million Miami mansion to move into another local 7-bedroom waterfront hovel that he’ll share with tennis babe Anna Kournikova (it’s a love match).

• ‘ABM’ – ‘Anything But Microsoft’. A backlash against the software giant’s market domination that’s regularly promoted by technology vendors & consultants who make their living selling alternative solutions. (Trouble is, once you have one ABM program you need all ABMs, because Microsoft usually only works with Microsoft – another devious tactic from the evil empire.)
• ‘Punk Aerobics’ – A fast-growing trend in aerobics, now offered at the former shrine of punk music, NYC’s famous CBGBs club, among others. No sucky classes full of bimbos in spandex here, these are workouts that rock. Participants actually use bricks instead of dumbbells. (Would you wanna do jumping jacks to Gob?)
• ‘Smotherage’ – Media overkill. Most commonly when a news organization over-covers an event with multiple reporters producing stories from every conceivable angle. The repetitiveness and inconsequential detail is eventually mind-numbing. (“We’ve been waiting outside the door of the accused for 13 hours now …”)
• ‘Mouse Milk’ – A lousy payoff for a lot of hard work. (“I’ve given 10 years of my life to this station and all I get is mouse milk!”)

So-called ‘sunless tanning’ just got kicked up a notch – Pamela Gladstone of Knoxville TN has come up with the ‘Aire Tan’ – a spray gun that squirts sunless tanning lotion evenly all over the body, leaving a glowing tan that’s streakless. Her airbrushed tan costs $25. (Airbrushing’s not just for ‘Playmates’ anymore!)

German researchers from Hamburg’s GEWIS Institute for Social Research have found that today’s woman is just as likely to cheat as her husband. In a survey of close to 1,500 adults aged 25 to 35, fully 53% of women say they’ve been unfaithful to their partner, compared with 59% of men. However, unlike most men, the reason women have affairs is primarily non-sexual. What women who stray are seeking is – reassurance and understanding. (As compared to men, who are subconsciously seeking to satisfy a deep need for nookie.)

It looks like another family stereotype might be all hype. Mothers-in-law are not the hated, interfering monsters that stand-up comics would have us believe. 90% of us actually love our mothers-in-law, according to a new Hallmark survey. (No vested interest in pronouncing mothers-in-law loveable there, of course.)

The latest celebrity female hairstyles seem to more and more include heavy bangs brushing the eyelashes. Among those sporting the new look – model Heidi Klum, singer Mary J Blige, actress Liv Tyler, and rock groupie Gwyneth Paltrow.

What’s your favourite male body part? According to the bible of sexual experimentation, “Cosmopolitan” magazine, almost a third of woman are turned on by – feet. Equally as hard to believe, the poll also suggests that a quarter of women have indulged in toe-sucking. (Sadly, there are no figures available for neck nibbling or lobe licking.).

• Indonesian doctors have found the problem causing a woman to complain of stomach pains – the skeleton of a fetus that was stuck in its mother’s womb … since 1995!
• 6′-10″ Croatian tennis giant Ivo Karlovic, who THIS WEEK toppled top-seeded Lleyton Hewitt, is the tallest human to ever play in the Wimbledon tennis tournament.
• There’s more vitamin C in a raw potato than there in an orange. (Think about that tomorrow morning when you’re drinking your potato juice.)


1945 [58] Carly Simon, NYC, oldies singer (“You’re So Vain”, “Anticipation”)

1963 [40] George Michael (Yorgos Kyriatou Panayioutou), Radlett ENG, pop singer (“Faith”, “I Want Your Sex”, “Father Figure”)/public washroom inspector

1963 [40] Doug Gilmour, Kingston ON, NHL player (Toronto Maple Leafs, ex-Montréal Canadiens, ex-Calgary Flames, ex-St Louis Blues, ex-NJ Devils, ex-Chicago Blackhawks, ex-Buffalo Sabres)

1971 [32] Sean Kelly, Albuquerque NM, pop guitarist/singer (Sixpence None The Richer-“Don’t Dream It’s Over”, “Kiss Me”)

1972 [31] Carlos Delgado, Aguadilla PR, 6′-3″ 230-lb MLB slugger/1st baseman (Toronto Blue Jays) who’ll haul down $18.7 million US this year (2nd in MLB only to Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez’s $22 million)

1975 [28] Linda Cardellini, Redwood City CA, movie actress (Velma Dinkley-“Scooby-Doo 1 & 2”, “Legally Blonde”)

[Slovenia/Croatia] “National Day” (1991)
[MT] “Battle of Little Bighorn Day” aka ‘Custer’s Last Stand’ (1876)

TODAY is “Log Cabin Day”, honoring the structure that has become the ‘American Folk Dwelling’, a symbol of both self-reliance and practicality. When people started moving west across the country, they needed homes that could be built fast. The log cabin was the answer since it could be built with materials found on hand. Presidents Andrew Jackson and Abraham Lincoln were both born in log cabins. The state of Michigan holds it’s annual “Log Cabin Day” on the last SUNDAY of JUNE when the public is invited to visit historic, authentic, unique and picturesque cabins statewide.

TODAY is “LEON Day”. ‘LEON’ is ‘NOEL’ spelled backwards. It means there’s exactly 6 months until Christmas. In other words, we’re as far away from the panicky holiday season rush as we can get!

TODAY is “Sense of Humor in Bed Appreciation Day”. (Hey, know what that’s all about – my wife’s always telling ‘little jokes’.)

TONIGHT “Canada’s Walk of Fame” will honor 11 more prominent Canadians with sidewalk stars outside Roy Thomson Hall in Toronto. The rules insist on a 10-year body of work before a nominee is eligible and this year’s honorees include:
• Superstar singer Shania Twain.
• “Saturday Night Live” creator Lorne Michaels.
• Supermodel Linda Evangelista.
• Musician Robbie Robertson.
• Comedian David Steinberg.
• Actor Mike Myers.
• 9-time Stanley Cup-winning coach Scotty Bowman.
• Figure skater Toller Cranston.
• Quebecois musician/songwriter Luc Plamondon.
• Olympic equestrian rider Jim Elder.
• “For Better Or For Worse” comic strip creator Lynn Johnston.
This is the 5th annual induction ceremony and for the first time, all of the honorees have indicated they’ll attend.
PHONER: 416-367-9255 (Peter Soumalias, Walk Of Fame Chair)

1630 [373] 1st ‘fork’ introduced to North America (before that, face-in-bowl method used)

1925 [78] 1st ‘car telephone’ exhibited (with a really, REALLY long cord)

1930 [73] ‘Twinkie’ snack is invented by Jimmy Dewar (Warning: May Contain Actual Real Food Particles)

1974 [29] ‘Hand-held calculator’ patented (Texas Instruments’ ‘Datamath’ can only do basic arithmetic, but is priced at over $100!)

1993 [10] Kim Campbell is sworn in as 19th and 1st female PM (she is also the first PM to be a ‘Sunshine Girl’, appearing [fully attired] on page 3 of the “Toronto Sun”)

1867 [136] 1st ‘barbed wire’ is patented by Lucien Smith (next day, his son comes home with ripped pants)

1947 [56] 1st ‘tennis shoes’ are designed (next day, Third World workers are recruited to manufacture them in return for 23 cents a year)

1968 [35] 1st baseball player to hit a ‘grand slam’ in his 1st major league at-bat (Bobby Bonds, father of current home run king Barry Bonds)

1977 [26] Roy Sullivan of Virginia is struck by lightening for the 7th time – and lives! (uh Roy, maybe when you hear that rumbling noise, you ought to try heading indoors?)

1990 [13] 120 degrees F in Phoenix AZ (but it’s a DRY heat)
JUNE 26 1990 – The Arizona Republic reported it was 122 degrees in Phoenix, hot enough to cancel some flights at the airport.

[Sun] Camera Day
[Mon] Meteor Day
This Week Is . . . Carpenter Ant Awareness Week
[Thurs-July 6] 24th Montréal Jazz Festival
[Fri] Decide to be Married Day
[Fri] “Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle“ opens in theaters
[Tues] Canada Day
This Week Is . . . Canadian Hire a Student Week
This Month Is . . . Children’s Awareness Month

• “Sorry, what you just ate was NOT chicken.”
• “Come back soon, you never know when you might catch your wife eating here with another man.”
• “A fool and his money are soon parted. Thanks!”
• “Your life will become the basis for a reality show on FOX.”
• “A wise man knows when to say ‘no’ to pork.”

10. “Waterworld”
9. “The Blair Witch Project”
8. “Showgirls”
7. “It’s Pat”
6. “Speed 2: Cruise Control”
5. “Spice World”
4. “Howard The Duck”
3. “Batman & Robin”
2. “Wild Wild West”
1. “Battlefield Earth”

Your contestant must get the answers to the following rapid-fire questions WRONG in order to win (what they CAN’T say is in parenthesis). Harder than it seems!
• What’s the capital of Saskatchewan? (Regina)
• How many teams are there in the Canadian Football League? (9)
• What team won the Stanley Cup earlier this month? (NJ Devils)
• Who is actress Demi Moore dating? (Ashton Kutcher)
• Name a Spanish-speaking country. (you decide)
• What’s the #1 movie in theaters right now? (“The Hulk”)
• What’s the most popular breakfast food? (you decide)
• What’s most important component of a successful marriage? (you decide)
• How many singers in a trio? (3)
• What’s your name?

“My Big Fat Greek Wedding” writer & star Nia Vardalos earned a whopping $35 MILLION from her 10% cut of the surprise blockbuster’s profits while the rest of the cast made less then $100,000 each, so now they’re petitioning the film’s producers (including Tom Hanks & wife Rita Wilson) for a bigger share of the massive profit. So, do they deserve it … or is a done deal a done deal?

The week’s most requested music files online …
1. Metallica – “St Anger”
2. Evanescence – “Bring Me to Life”
3. Lil’ Kim – “Magic Stick”
4. 50 Cent – “21 Questions”
5. Jewel – “Intuition”
Source: BigChampagne

Ever call the phone number listed at the beginning of movie videos re: reporting piracy? Does anyone? Try reporting a pirated copy of “Battlefield Earth”.
PHONER: 800-363-9166 (24-hour Piracy Hotline-Canadian Motion Picture Distributors Assoc)
800-662-6797 (Anti-Piracy Hotline)

• I didn’t think I was going to make it in today. The boss had all the locks changed.
• Now LIVE from the outskirts of sanity …
• I fainted at my high school reunion. It was probably the 2-week soup diet to get down 2 sizes that did it.
• Nice outfit! Is it true you killed that with your bare hands?

Today’s Question: If you are average, you will personally use about 3,000 of these in your lifetime.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Diapers.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. – Sam Levenson

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