Tuesday, June 24, 2003        Edition: #2570
Get a Load of This Sheet!

TODAY Mariah Carey kicks off her first world tour in 3 years in Osaka, Japan . . . Jewel has dumped her folk hippie image for a sexy new look she calls ‘cleavage plus poetry’ (otherwise known as a ‘rhyming couplet’) . . . Ozzy Osbourne has agreed to take a DNA test to see if he is the father of a groupie’s 6-year-old son (the first clue – the kid’s always shaky and swears like a sailor) . . . It’s estimated JK Rowling has already made over $50 million off her just-released “Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix“ (what’s her incentive to bother writing 2 more of these?) . . . Hot-as-a-pistol actor Ashton Kutcher says he and his buds are the new ‘Rat Pack’ and P Diddy is the new Sinatra, whom they even refer to as ‘Frank’ (can’t think of a short, one-eyed, Jewish black guy who’s hot right now, so who’s Sammy?) . . . And “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is trying to quash rumors he’s gay by bragging, “I’ve bedded between 70 and 100 women if I were to hazard a guess.”

Nicole Kidman’s Oscar-winning performance as Virginia Woolf in “The Hours” (DVD/VHS), available in a ‘Special Collectors Edition DVD’ version that includes 5 featurettes & commentary by Kidman and her co-stars Julianne Moore & Meryl Streep . . . Adam Sandler shows off his acting chops in the crackpot comedy “Punch-Drunk Love” (2-Disc Superbit Special Edition DVD) as a guy who uses frequent flier coupons clipped from cartons of pudding cups to travel to Hawaii, where he hopes to change his life . . . In the corrupt cop thriller “Dark Blue”, Kurt Russell plays an LAPD detective tutoring his rookie partner (Scott Speedman) on the realities of police intimidation as they investigate a quadruple homicide in South Central Los Angeles . . . In the action comedy “Kangaroo Jack” (DVD/VHS), Jerry O’Connell & Anthony Anderson play inept Brooklyn mobsters who are sent to Australia to deliver $50,000 but have it stolen by a kangaroo (if that seems unbelievable, remember that the computer-generated ‘roo only ‘talks’ during a dream sequence) . . .  The family comedy “Air Bud Spikes Back” (DVD/VHS), another direct-to-video sequel about the athletic golden retriever ‘Buddy’, who this time around takes up beach volleyball (sure looks dumb in a bikini) . . . And there’s the new compilation “Blind Date: The Ultimate Uncensored 3-Pack”, for those who find TV’s rude ‘n crude syndicated pickup show just too tasteful.

The UK seems to be the incubator for reality TV, giving us shows like “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?”, “Big Brother”, “The Weakest Link”, and more recently, “American Idol” and “Fame”. Here’s a couple of new reality shows in England that might head our way –
• “How Clean Is Your House?” – A pair of fastidious women walk through a home and pass judgment on the owner’s housework. Magazine editor Aggie MacKensie is joined by Kim Woodburn, who’s a wealthy sheik’s housekeeper and tough as steel wool. “I think people are just filthy buggers,” she says. “I’m not a psychoanalyst. You’re either clean or you’re not. It’s not a class issue.”
• “Drop the Celebrity” – In this upcoming show, a planeload of moderately well-known ‘celebrities’ try to relate convincing stories about why they are famous. If their stories are judged to be too lame, they are pushed out the door at 12,000 feet. Fortunately (or in some cases not), a parachute is provided.

A Norwegian church is offering salvation online – in 12 seconds. The church in Hokksund has a Website that asks visitors to read a 2-line prayer out loud, then sends them a full-screen message reading: “Congratulations! You have received salvation!” The church’s Reverend Tor Egil Royland says he sees no problem with presenting salvation on the Internet. (And reminds us that credit card donations are accepted through his secure server.)

THIS SUMMER the American Association for Nude Recreation is sponsoring several summer camps for nudists – aged 11 to 18. Proponents say naked camping promotes a healthy body image for kids because workshops on body image and confidence-building are part of the program. Detractors say combining kids’ raging hormones with nudity makes for a dangerous mix. But one kid who’s a veteran of clothing-optional camp says it’s basically just like any other kids’ camp – only without the clothing. (Just don’t sit too close to the campfire or you’ll toast more than your marshmallows.)
PHONER: 800-TRY-NUDE (AANR North American Headquarters, Kissimmee FL)
NET: http://www.aanr.com

In THIS MONTH’s issue of the “Canadian Journal of Psychiatry”, Ottawa psychiatrist Dr Colin Shapiro describes a bizarre new disorder called ‘sexsomnia’ – people who engage in sex while asleep. The doc says the disorder is far more common than you might expect and may be caused by stress, chronic sleepiness, alcohol or drug abuse. Research shows that in some cases, sexsomniacs are apparently better lovers unconscious than they are awake. (This is nothing new – it’s called marriage.)

The nonprofit group Final Passages has begun a small but growing movement to provide a more compassionate and cheaper alternative to regular funerals – doing it yourself. 55-year-old founder Jerri Lyons of Sebastopol CA says intimate acts such as bathing and dressing the deceased actually make it easier to deal with the loss. And ‘home funerals’ can cost as little as a few hundred dollars compared to several thousand for a full-blown send-off. Lyons conducts regular ‘how-to’ seminars offering advice for those who wish to do-it-themselves. For example – after 24 hours you need to place ice on a corpse to keep it fresh.
PHONER: 707-824-0268
NET: http://www.finalpassages.org

A new self-help book called “How to Say Goodbye to Depression” by Hiroyuki Nishigaki claims that clenching your butt cheeks 100 times a day will cure depression. The coolest thing about this method he says, is you can privately clench your cheeks while doing just about anything else. As an example of success, the author cites a 70-year-old man who says he feels 20 years younger after 20 years of clinching (however his face looks permanently perplexed). (“OK, time for our morning workout – everyone now, clench and release and …”)


1942 [61] Mick Fleetwood, Redruth ENG, rock drummer/band leader (Fleetwood Mac-“Say You Will”, “Peacekeeper“, “Dreams”) who co-owns auction house Fleetwood Owen

1958 [45] Jean Charest, Sherbrooke QC, Québec Premier (Liberal)/former federal PC leader

1967 [36] Sherry Stringfield, Colorado Springs CO, TV actress (Dr Susan Lewis-“ER” 1994-1996, 2001- present)

[Puerto Rico] “San Juan Day”

TODAY is “Discovery Day” in Newfoundland & Labrador, a public holiday celebrating the date John Cabot 1st landed in Newfoundland aboard the ‘Matthew’.

TODAY is “St-Jean Baptiste Day”, or the ‘Fête Nationale’ holiday, in the Province of Québec and in French Canadian communities across the country. Besides Québec, St John the Baptist is the patron saint of auto routes, candlemakers, health spas, road workers, and wool workers.

TODAY is the annual “Celebration of the Senses”, when you’re encouraged to treat yourself to stimulation of each of your 5 senses. (First, everyone take off their shoes …)

1880 [123] 1st performance of “O Canada” (surprise, it’s in Québec City)

1922 [81] ‘AFPA’ (American Professional Football Association) changes name to ‘NFL’ (National Football League) and ‘Chicago Staleys’ become ‘Chicago Bears’

1949 [54] 1st network TV ‘Western’ (Hopalong Cassidy-NBC)

1972 [31] 1st ‘female umpire’ in professional baseball (but Bernice Gera quits after 1 game)

1923 [80] 1st ‘peanut butter cup’ is invented by HB Reese

1947 [56] 1st documented ‘UFO’ sighting (pilot Ken Arnold reports ‘9 silvery discs appeared out of nowhere’ over Mt Rainier WA, later dubbed ‘flying saucers’ by a newspaper reporter)

1982 [21] 1st appearance of Mary Hart as co-host of “Entertainment Tonight”

[1 week today] Canada Day
[Wed] Canada’s Walk of Fame Enshrinement Gala (Toronto)
[Thurs-July 6] 24th Montréal Jazz Festival
[Fri] “Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle“ opens in theaters
[Sat-Mon] Glastonbury Music Festival (Glastonbury UK)
[Sun] Camera Day
[Mon] Gay Pride Day (varies city-to-city)
This Week Is . . . National Camping Week
This Month Is . . . Rebuild Your Life Month

The Swiss Army Knife is celebrating its 112th anniversary THIS MONTH, first produced for the Swiss military by inventor Karl Elsner in June, 1891. It was originally a wood-handled device with utensils such as a bottle opener, screwdriver and fingernail file that folded alongside the blade. The civilian version had a red handle so that it could be found easily in snow.
• Brass knuckle.
• Miniature bong.
• Foldable hedge trimmer.
• Swizzle stick.
• Universal TV remote.
• Nose scoop.

• If quitters never win and winners never cheat, then who’s the fool who said quit while you’re ahead?
• Just what do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
• Tonight’s my turn to cook dinner. What wine goes with heartburn?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• How come my plants do better when I DON’T talk to them?
• How do you know honesty is the best policy until you’ve tried some of the others?

• Aries – Why not abandon your search for truth and go in search of a good fantasy instead?
• Taurus – So you think you’re a leader? Take a quick look behind you. If no one’s there … you’re not leading.
• Gemini – Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
• Cancer – A good day to give up your exercise routine of ‘power walking’ and develop something more useful. Try ‘power sitting’.
• Leo – If you’re feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
• Virgo – You will become trapped in an elevator with the local Christian Karaoke Club. Things could be worse … but not much.
• Libra – You’ll regret critical remarks made today. In particular, the expression ‘hideously deformed’ may not have been as neutral as you thought.
• Scorpio – Good day to take up crime fighting as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
• Sagittarius – Today’s a good day to consider retirement. After all, why not quit working before your heart does?
• Capricorn – The stars say it won’t be a great day for you but don’t fret about it. Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.
• Aquarius – Don’t expect money to bring you happiness. However, money can be given to a hooker who will provide you with happiness.
• Pisces – Leo is in your second house. He works for the mortgage company and is repossessing it.

• Which arcade video game is the all-time top earner?
a. ‘Donkey Kong’
b. ‘Ms Pac-Man’ [CORRECT]
c. ‘Pole Position’

• Which major league ball player retired with the highest lifetime batting average – .366?
a. Ty Cobb [CORRECT]
b. Babe Ruth
c. Pete Rose

• According to a recent survey, what percentage of people dislike their co-workers?
a. 12%
b. 42% [CORRECT]
c. 84%

• What country’s age of consent is 13?
a. Japan [CORRECT]
b. Turkey
c. The Republic of R Kelly

“Shouldn’t female players at Wimbledon earn the same as men … or even more? After all, isn’t the women’s competition more exciting?”

Today’s Question: If you do THIS 3000 times and then croak, you’d be exactly average.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Have sex.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.


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