Thursday, June 12, 2003        Edition: #2562
We Give a Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Van Morrison is among the inductees at the 34th annual “Songwriters Hall of Fame” induction ceremony in NYC . . . FOX-TV’s “American Juniors” is the top-rated original summer TV series so far . . . Avril Lavigne is slamming her female fans for copying her style, saying  girls who dress and do their makeup to look like her are ‘too weird’ and should ‘get a life’ . . . “Matrix” man Keanu Reeves has been taking some time off to play electric bass with pal Rebecca Lord’s band called Becky in Tinseltown in a series of shows in Hollywood that were sold out so quickly even record company execs couldn’t get in . . . “The Hulk” is still a couple weeks away from movie theaters but already a bootleg rough cut version is circulating on the Web . . . And Renee Zellweger’s diet to pile on pounds for the sequel to “Bridget Jones’s Diary” includes savory scones & gravy – for breakfast!

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Reese Witherspoon reportedly has agreed to make another “Legally Blonde” film (this time set in Europe), even though the first sequel doesn’t hit screens until JULY 2 . . . Jennifer Lopez is set to star in a comedy called “Monster-In-Law”, about a girl who thinks she’s found the ideal man until she meets his mother, the in-law from hell who may be played by Kathy Bates (can J-Lo do comedy?) . . . Sylvester Stallone will reportedly ask Death Row Records thug Suge Knight to play himself in the upcoming cop drama, “Rampart Scandal”, which Sly will write, direct and star in (part of the story deals with the murders of rappers Biggie Smalls & Tupac Shakur) . . . Those morphing Hasbro toys from the mid-1980s, “The Transformers”, will be the basis for a feature-length, live-action movie now in preproduction . . . Madonna’s entertainment company is developing a movie tentatively titled “Something in the Air”, about an Irish town where locals become sex-crazed from inhaling fumes from a Pfizer factory producing Viagra . . . Adam Sandler is in talks to join Tom Cruise in the drama “Collateral”, playing a timid cab driver who picks up Cruise and takes him hostage (the guy’s actually developing some acting chops!) . . . And Harrison Ford is apparently getting pressure from steady gal Calista Flockhart to become the voice of popular kids’ TV character ”Bob the Builder” in a bigscreen version – because her son Liam loves the show.

STUFF THAT’S GOOD FOR YOU:
• A new Danish study shows that people who drink chocolate milk right after lifting weights experience a 7% increase in muscle mass on average – and some gain as much as 20%. (If you lift the chocolate milk container out of the fridge & drink it, would that work?)
• The Academy of General Dentistry says that microwaving dentures for 2 minutes while soaking them in cleanser kills bacteria, prevents stains and odors. All false teeth can benefit from the treatment as long as they don’t contain metal. (But if you don’t like the smell of burning gums, wait a while before re-installing!)

REMOTELY INTERESTING DAD’S DAY GIFTS:
• ‘The Cell Phone Remote Control’ – In case using your cell phone for e-mail, games, music, a still camera and video camera just isn’t enough, Japanese toy maker Takara Co has now developed a cell phone that is also a remote control for a miniature toy car. The $34 gizmo is aimed at guys in their 20s and 30s. (What’s next, the cell phone toaster?)
• ‘The Shocking TV Remote Control’ – If dad needs TV withdrawal therapy or maybe just payback for a practical joke, this 10 buck gadget from Johnson Smith will give him a gentle jolt from a Triple-A battery whenever he hits the ‘on’ button. (Why do you think they call it a ‘TV zapper’?)
• ‘The Sterling Silver Universal Remote Control’ – Give pop the ultimate remote to hog. This genuine fine silver version is available online from Michael C Fina for about 50 bucks. (It’s just as easy to lose a sterling silver remote control, but it’s more rewarding when you pull up all the sofa cushions and find the damn thing!)

LAW & DISORDER:
• A Fort Pierce FL homeowner is suing the local Utilities Authority. Seems he’s been paying a monthly sewer bill ever since 1979, but recently learned after plumbing trouble that he has a septic tank and has never even been connected to the sewer. At stake, 24 years of paid bills – some $16,000 plus interest.
• A prominent Brisbane, Australia lawyer is suing a marriage counselor for over $200,000 – for having sex with his wife! And it was while they were still paying the guy to help save the troubled relationship.
• A NYC woman has been charged with manslaughter after her ex-boyfriend died outside a Brooklyn nightclub – after she allegedly beat him with one of her high-heel shoes. Police say the two have a child together, but their relationship had become strained. (Gee, ya think?)
• A State Circuit Court has issued a restraining order against ‘Mainline Airways’, a Pennsylvania company that’s been selling air travel tickets to Hawaii even though it doesn’t fly there … or have a licence to operate as an airline … or even as a travel agent … or for that matter – own an airplane. Actually it’s basically just a Website whose owner says he intended to charter a plane after selling enough tickets. The ‘introductory fare discounts’ below $100 should have been a clue.

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE:
The Wm Wrigley Jr Company has patented a new chewing gum that includes – quote: ‘A therapeutically effective amount of sildenafil citrate in the chewing gum composition.’ – in other words, Viagra. (Big Red is thinking of suing.)

THE CURTAIN GOES UP … AND EVERYTHING ELSE:
An upcoming production by a Vancouver theater group called “Public Sex, Art & Democracy” will feature what is likely the first explicit, non-simulated sex act in Canadian theatrical history. The production, which premieres at the Art of Loving Erotic Art Store & Gallery JUNE 26, will include a scene involving oral sex between 2 amateur actors. The Vancouver Police  Dept has already announced there will be no investigation or charges unless someone in the audience files a complaint. (Or tries to cut in.)

ALARMING PAMMY:
Now you can be woken up each morning by Hollywood sex kitten Pamela Anderson even if you don’t happen to be her rocker fiancé Kid Rock. She’s just signed on to a celebrity wake-up service which allows customers to be gently roused by her dulcet tones. For only $7.99 per month you can get wake-up greetings like this – “Hi, it’s Pamela. I love animals, they’re fun to play with. Are you fun to play with? How about getting down on your hands and knees and barking like a dog. Now get your ass out of bed and fetch my slippers. Have a great day!”.

FOR THE RECORD:
Amman, Jordan has just laid claim to the record for ‘world’s tallest flagpole’. At 416 ft, it beats the previous pole record by 12.5 feet, held by United Arab Emirates. (The tallest pole in Canada is Peter Wiznewski.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
If the New Jersey Nets win the NBA Championship (doubtful), it would be the first time championships were won by NHL and NBA teams that share the same venue. (Continental Airlines Arena at the New Jersey Meadowlands.)

THE BULL SHEET 06.12.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [79] George Bush, Milton MA, 41st US President (1989-93)/Dubya’s dad

1941 [62] Marv Albert (Marv Philip Aufrichtig), Brooklyn NY, NBC-TV’s NBA play-by-play sportscaster who’s been known to have some strange sexual proclivities

1951 [52] Brad Delp, Boston MA, classic rock guitarist/singer (Boston-“More Than a Feeling”, “Long Time”)

1957 [46] Timothy Busfield, Lansing MI, TV actor (White House reporter Danny Concannon-“The West Wing”)/movie actor (“National Security”, “Quiz Show”)

1959 [44] Scott Thompson, North Bay ON, TV actor/comedian (“Providence” 1999, “The Larry Sanders Show” 1995-1998, “The Kids in the Hall” 1989-1994)

1979 [24] Robyn (Carlsson), Stockholm SWE, pop singer (“Show Me Love”, “Do You Know What It Takes”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Taco Day”, a day to stuff a hard tortilla shell with your favorite hot ‘n spicy fillings. (Tomorrow is ‘Unbearable Cramps Day’.)

TODAY is “It’s Kitchen Klutzes Day”, a day to prepare any recipe that contains no more than 4 ingredients (not including water, salt & pepper). It must be easy enough to prepare even for the truly inept. (What’s the easiest dinner to make? ‘Wiener Water Soup’?)

TODAY is “Hooray For Year-Round School Day”, promoting the benefits of a year-round school calendar. (An idea likely started by some really worn out parents.)

TOMORROW-Sunday “Spock Days” in Vulcan AB center around a huge replica of the ‘Starship Enterprise’ from “Star Trek”. So how’d that end up in a small southern Alberta town?
PHONER: 403-485-2994

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2002 LA Lakers sweep NJ Nets to win their 14th NBA Championship (Shaquille O’Neal is named MVP for the 3rd time in-a-row, head coach Phil Jackson ties Red Auerbach for most NBA Championships with 9)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1667 [336] 1st successful ‘blood transfusion’ as Jean-Baptiste Denys, personal physician to France’s King Louis XIV, pumps blood from a sheep into a 15-year-old-boy – and he doesn’t die! (although it was clearly a disappointment if you were rooting for the sheep)

1792 [211] George Vancouver discovers site of Vancouver BC (what a coincidence – same name!)

1839 [164] According to (fictitious) legend, Abner Doubleday creates baseball in Cooperstown NY

1939 [64] ‘Baseball Hall of Fame’ formally dedicated in Cooperstown NY

1897 [106] ‘Swiss Army Knife’ is 1st patented (the original red-handled utility tool contains large & small knives, a can opener, bottle opener, corkscrew and an awl with an eye for sewing)

1997 [06] 1st baseball ‘interleague play’, ending 126-year tradition of separating the Major Leagues until the World Series

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1952 [51] 17-year-old Bonham TX house cat named ‘Dusty’ sets a “Guinness World Record” by giving birth to her 420th kitten

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Fri] “From Justin to Kelly” opens in theaters
[Sat] Family History Day
[Sun] Fathers Day
[Sun] Smile Power Day
This Week Is . . . Meet a Mate Week / Graffiti Week
This Month Is . . . Recycling Month / National Candy Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
GREATEST SONGS OF THE PAST 25 YEARS:
1. Nirvana – “Smells Like Teen Spirit”
2. Michael Jackson – “Billie Jean”
3. Guns N’ Roses – “Sweet Child O’ Mine”
4. Eminem – “Lose Yourself”
5. U2 – “One”
Source: VH1

TOP TV CELEB WEB SEARCHES:
1. Clay Aiken
2. Hilary Duff
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. Ruben Studdard
5. Ashton Kutcher
Source: Hot Searches

BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Which fast-food chain boasts 17,500 restaurants worldwide, 2nd only to McDonald’s 30,000?
a. Burger King
b. Subway [CORRECT]
c. Taco Bell

• Which one of the following toys is NOT owned by Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen?
a. The Portland Trail Blazers.
b. A 300-foot schooner.
c. A German beer hall. [CORRECT]
d. A Boeing 757.

• Which household chore do the most guys (47%) dislike most?
a. Mowing the lawn.
b. Cleaning windows. [CORRECT]
c. Picking her hair out of the drain.

• Which 2 of the following pop culture treasures are on display at the Smithsonian in Washington DC?
a. Elvis’ Vegas jumpsuit.
b. The Monkees’ drum set.
c. Fonzie’s leather jacket. [CORRECT]
d. Archie Bunker’s chair. [CORRECT]
Source: “Maxim Online”

BS INTERVIEW:
Canadian company Waisted Designs is turning old seat belts from junked vehicles into stylish belts – for trousers. The vintage belts are harvested from auto wreckers. So who’d want an old seatbelt to hold up their pants? The biggest market is apparently Gen-Xers, followed by car fanatics. For a more military look, can you get shoulder belts too?
PHONER: 514-927-4782 (Neal Dalzell-Boucherville QC)
NET: http://waisted-designs.com

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average guy will usually wait about a month before he does THIS.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Changes the bed sheets.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
You can observe a lot just by watching. – Yogi Berra

 


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