Wednesday, June 11, 2003        Edition: #2561
Sheeters Always Prosper!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the Christina Aguilera & Justin Timberlake tour invades Vancouver . . . Word is 28-year-old Leonard DiCaprio & gorgeous 22-year-old model Gisele Bundchen have not only managed to reconcile, they soon could be walking down the aisle . . . Recently-wed Russell Crowe & his 32-year-old bride Danielle Spencer are expecting their first child, something he promised before he turned 40 (next APRIL 7) . . . Last year the honor fell to Jon Bon Jovi and this year the NFL has reportedly asked 21-year-old pop princess Britney Spears to headline a gig to kick-off football season this SEPTEMBER in Washington DC, but warned she has to tone down her party rep’ or the deal’s off . . . “Survivor: Amazon” contestants Jenna Morasca & Heidi Strobel will take it off for the AUGUST issue of “Playboy” magazine (not surprising – on the show they peeled for peanut butter) . . . Buzz has it Avril Lavigne has secretly been dating her 22-year-old guitarist, Ajax ON-native Jesse Colburn, on & off for more than a year, something that’s leaked out after they were spotted smooching on a beach Down Under. . . “American Idol” winner Ruben Studdard says he will no longer wear those giant jerseys emblazoned with Alabama area code ‘205′ (guess he’s either gone Hollywood – ‘310′ – or the owner of the shirt company ran out of fabric ) . . . R&B singer Luther Vandross has emerged from the coma he fell into after a stroke APRIL 16th (his first words were, “Was it Clay or Ruben?”) . . . And popster Pink has a new pad in Sherman Oaks CA, a $1.5 million Mediterranean-style villa that dates all the way back to the 1940s (in Hollywood, this is considered a Victorian).

BS BUZZWORDS:
• ‘Revenue Maximization’ – A highfalutin term for companies pinching pennies. It’s the corporate equivalent of finding the coins between the sofa cushions. (“We can increase revenue maximization if we fire the entire morning crew and hire the intern.”)
• ‘100% Zero’ – An expression that emphatically states the ultimate negative. (“Forget it, Dijon. The chances of you hooking up on a date with Jeremy are like 100% zero.”)
• ‘Corked’ – Thanks to Sammy Sosa’s bat, this is the new term for something that blows up in your face when you least expect it. (“I didn’t get the promotion because I was corked by my supervisor in front of the CEO.”)

ODD JOBS:
• ‘Feces Technicians’ – Work is underway at the Archaeological Resource Center in York, England on the delicate restoration of thousand-year-old – Viking poop. The treasured artifact was accidentally broken into 3 pieces during a recent school visit, so archeology students have been given the task of restoring it to its former glory. One says it’s not such a bad job because the dung is hard as a rock. Museum officials are desperate to see their star exhibit glued back together because it’s popular with schoolchildren who make up a large percentage of visitors. (And you think your job stinks?)
• ‘Professional Mystery Shoppers’ – Undercover market researchers who test company operations from the consumer’s point-of-view. There are currently some 750 mystery shopping research companies in the US. A trained pro can earn $40,000 a year.
• ‘Party Motivators’ – Outgoing fun people who are hired to ‘get this party started’ at private soirees, nightclubs and special events. You’ll find party motivators working it every night in Miami’s trendy South Beach hot spots. The average party motivator is young (18-26), very outgoing, hard-bodied, great with people, and generally a real looker. Most are models, aspiring actors or dancers who get paid to party – $100 to $300 a night.

DAD’S DAY POLLS:
• A “Menstuff” survey comparing Fathers Day to Mothers Day finds that we spend 14% more on moms, moms get 37% more greeting cards, 39% more adults eat out on Mothers Day, and there are 13% more phone calls on Mothers Day. There are also 41% more books available from Amazon.com with titles that contain the word ‘Mother’ as opposed to ‘Father’. Statistically, men are more likely to get flowers at their funeral than for Father’s Day.
• Mel Gibson, Will Smith & Ozzy Osbourne top the voting in a “Parents” magazine poll of ‘favorite father figures’.
• But when it comes to being a ‘sexy single dad’, it seems Tom Cruise is tops, picked by 52% in a new poll by American Singles. Dennis Quaid is the runner-up with 27%, and Jim Carrey was the favorite for 14%.

THE CHICK WITH SOMETHING EXTRA:
“Kingston Whig-Standard” reports a baby chick has been hatched on a Parham ON farm that has – 3 legs. The third appendage is growing out of the little peeper’s left leg and does not have a claw. The farmer’s daughter has named the chick ‘Gross’. (We’re calling it ‘drumsticks for everybody’!)

THE TERRIBLE TOLL:
The UK government is studying a plan to tax motorists based on the time they spend on the road. Satellites and computers would track motorists and then bill them based on the time of day they travel and the specific route they take. Charges would be highest for rush-hour travel on the most congested roads. The main hitch to the plan could be court challenges over civil liberty issues.

FOR THE RECORD:
62-year-old Mohammed Rashid of Turkey has just been recognized by the “Guinness Book of Records” as having the ‘longest moustache in the world’ – 5 foot-3 inches worth that he hasn’t cut for 10 years. He’s currently in Beirut on a round-the-world tour financed by the $5 fee he charges anyone wanting to take his picture.

BS SHOCKING FACTS:
• Britain’s honorary ‘Astronomer Royal’, 60-year-old scientist Martin Rees, claims that the odds of an apocalyptic disaster striking Earth have risen to about 50% from 20% a hundred years ago. (Don’t bother paying your cell phone bill!)
• Remember the 170,000 priceless artifacts looted from Iraq’s National Museum of Antiquities? The museum director is now saying he was misquoted. Actually, only about 33 pieces are missing. (Is this Comical Ali’s brother or what?)

THE BULL SHEET 06.11.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [54] Frank Beard, Frankston TX, classic rock drummer who is ironically the only member of the band WITHOUT a beard  (ZZ Top-“Tush”, “Legs”)

1978 [25] Joshua Jackson, Vancouver BC, TV actor (“Dawson’s Creek” 1998-2003)/movie actor (“Cruel Intentions”, “Scream 2″)

1986 [17] Shia LaBeouf, LA CA, TV actor (Louis Anthony Stevens-“Even Stevens”) who’s making a move onto the bigscreen (“Holes”)  UPCOMING: “Dumb & Dumberer” (FRIDAY), “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (JUNE 27)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the annual “Hug Holiday”, begun by some eternal optimist somewhere who thinks most of the world’s troubles can be solved with a tight clinch. C’mon now, don’t be shy – group hug everybody!

TODAY is “King Kamehameha Day”, honoring Hawaii’s first king who unified the Hawaiian Islands in 1810. Not very significant, but it sure is fun saying ‘Kah-MAY-uh-MAY-uh’!

TODAY-Friday the 6th annual “National Summit on Fatherhood” is underway in Philadelphia PA. Some 500 physicians, researchers & policymakers will discuss how to make child care services more father-friendly. TOMORROW the ‘Father Of The Year Awards’ will be announced.

TOMORROW is “Honor Thy Veterinarian Day”, honoring all vets and their assistants who provide our pets with care. Line up a local vet on the phone and play ‘Stump the Vet’, where listeners ask insipid pet questions. (Which you pre-record using dummy calls from people in the office.)

TOMORROW-Sunday is the 25th annual “Superman Celebration” in the town of Metropolis IL, home of the ‘Supermuseum’ and a local newspaper actually called “The Daily Planet”. Interesting that the town of Metropolis was founded way back in 1839 but didn’t link itself to the idea of being the ‘Hometown of Superman’ until 1972.
PHONER: 800-949-5740 (Metropolis Area Chamber of Commerce)
NET: http://www.supermancollectors.com/celebration.html

THIS WEEK is “National E-Mail Week”. Yeah, there’s something we need to promote more of. Please, jam my inbox!

THIS WEEK more than 300 roosters from 25 countries are participating in the 4th annual “Cockfighting World Cup” in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, sanctioned by the World Association of Combat-Cock Breeders. Aficionados note that cockfighting is a legitimate world sport, dating back to ancient Greece. However, it’s considered animal cruelty and outlawed in 48 US states, Canada, Australia, Costa Rica, Japan & most of Europe. But there are cocks competing this week from all of these countries, too!

THIS WEEK Ford Motor Company is holding its “100th Anniversary Celebration” in Dearborn MI. The company has had many great successes beginning with the Model T, but here’s some of Ford’s worst lemons – its crappiest car creations of the century …
• 1958 Edsel
• 1969 Maverick
• 1971 Pinto
• 1991 Mercury Capri
• 2002 Lincoln Blackwood
Source: “Detroit Free Press”

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2002 59-year-old Paul McCartney weds 34-year-old Heather Mills at Castle Leslie in Ireland

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1983 [20] 1st PC leader from Québec since Confederation (the beloved Brian Mulroney, father of “Canadian Idol” host Ben)

1990 [13] 1st elected Canadian Senator (Alberta Reformer Stan Waters sidles up to the trough)

1982 [21] Steven Spielberg’s “ET” opens

1993 [10] Steven Spielberg’s “Jurassic Park” opens

2001 [02] 1st episode of NBC-TV reality show “Fear Factor”, offering $50,000 cash prize to contestants who dare to confront their worst fears (walking tightropes, being dragged along the ground by horses, leaping across moving semi-trucks, letting snakes crawl all over them, etc)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1994 [09] World’s ‘largest popcorn container’ unveiled in Jacksonville FL that’s 8 feet high and holds 6,620 cubic feet of popcorn (now available at AMC Theaters for $892, fake butter extra)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Kitchen Klutzes Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Sat] Family History Day
[Sun] Fathers Day
[June 20] Take Your Dog to Work Day
This Week Is . . . Men’s Health Week / Hermit Week
This Month Is . . . International People Skills Month / June Dairy Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – Maintain your momentum! Set aside some special time to humiliate yourself in public again today.
• Taurus – Don’t let your friend’s unhappiness get you down. Find a different friend.
• Gemini – Good time to get involved in the ‘Fiber Arts’. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
• Cancer – Dump that complicated ‘Zone’ diet you’ve been trying and keep things simple … if it tastes good, spit it out!
• Leo – Today the boss will seek your counsel. Actually she’ll ask for your crybaby whiny-ass opinion … but you don’t need to tell anyone else that.
• Virgo – Time to lighten up! Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
• Libra – It’s not that the world’s against you. It’s just that life is like a car wash and you’re on a bicycle.
• Scorpio – Don’t worry, you’re not getting any older. In dog years, you’re dead.
• Sagittarius – Signs are today will not be your best. An argument with a co-worker will put you in a bad position. Face down on the supply room floor as a matter of fact.
• Capricorn – Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
• Aquarius – A blunt remark could get you into trouble today. Best to stick to sharp retorts.
• Pisces – You’ve created chaos, panic and disorder on the job – you’ve earned a day of rest!

BS PHONE STARTER:
After months of promotion, CTV’s “Canadian Idol” is finally underway (with one of the most convoluted schedules ever – next shows June 16 & 23 @ 8pm ET/PT, then repeated June 14, 21 & 28 @ 8pm ET/PT). Will the show have the same magic as the American version without Simon Cowell?

BEST PLACES TO RETIRE:
Based on financial and healthcare considerations …
• Franklin TN
• Bellingham WA
• Portsmouth NH
• Largo FL
• St George UT
• Ann Arbor MI
• Savannah GA
• La Paz, Mexico
Source: “Money Magazine”

TOP INTERNET SEARCHES:
1. “2 Fast 2 Furious” (#1 at the box office)
2. Metallica (they’re giving out keys to their ‘Vault’ Website)
3. Kazaa (downloading never slows down)
Source: Buzz Index

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 70% of you will do THIS sometime during your summer vacation.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Take a photo with your finger over the lens.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Friends are people you can be quiet with.

 


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