Thursday, June 5, 2003        Edition: #2557
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY a 1965 Fender Stratocaster guitar once owned by rock legend Jimi Hendrix goes under the hammer in London and is expected to fetch upwards of $600,000 . . . Linkin Park’s current concert tour is on hold as lead singer Chester Bennington is in LA hospital with unidentified back & stomach pains . . . Catty Courtney Love says ex-beau Edward Norton will never marry Mexican actress Salma Hayek to whom he’s now engaged because – ‘For one thing, he can barely understand half of what she’s saying’ . . . Screwball actor Billy Bob Thornton reportedly celebrated his recent divorce from Angelina Jolie by burning the vials of blood they exchanged when they wed . . . “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini is apparently already in trouble with new girlfriend Lora Somoza just months after dumping his wife for her because he reportedly shares ‘Tony Soprano’s’ weakness for nightlife and a pretty face . . . Spike Lee is suing TNN cable channel over plans to rename itself Spike TV, arguing he never granted permission for the name to be used (in related news decedents of Robert E Lee are suing Spike Lee …) . . . NEXT WEEK NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal will become a full-fledged Port of Los Angeles police officer after completing over 1,000 hours of training, but his size-22 boots & oversize uniform will have to be custom-made (he’s seriously considering law enforcement after his roundball days are over) . . . No Doubt’s Gwen Stefani will be hitting the silver screen, as an actress, in Martin Scorsese’s upcoming Howard Hughes biopic “The Aviator”, starring Leo DiCaprio.

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
A 3rd installment of “Blade” starring Wesley Snipes as a heroic vampire will begin production THIS SUMMER (because he really he needs the moola!) . . . A bigscreen musical about Cole Porter called “Just One Of Those Things” will star Kevin Kline and feature performances by Alanis Morissette, Sheryl Crow, Elvis Costello & Robbie Williams (all of this thanks to “Chicago”) . . . Blake Edwards steamy 1979 comedy “10″ is getting a remake with Irish acting stud Colin Farrell & “Terminator 3″ babe Kristanna Loken most likely to fill the roles originally played by Dudley Moore & Bo Derek . . . John Travolta is talks to reprise his ‘Chili Palmer’ character, 8 years after originally playing him in “Get Shorty”, in author Elmore Leonard’s follow-up story “Be Cool” (big John could use a hit) . . . Cynical cartoon cat “Garfield” is coming to the bigscreen with Bill Murray providing the voice (the comic strip’s 25th anniversary is JUNE 19) . . . Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of Oscar-winning director Ron Howard, will make her feature film debut with a starring role in director M Night Shyamalan’s upcoming fright flick “The Woods” . . . And Bruce Willis has revealed that he has a nude scene in the upcoming sequel “The Whole Ten Yards” that will allow us a nice view of his ‘keister’ (in related news, movie  theaters are stocking up on Pepto-Bismol …).

WHY DAD’S ARM IS BLACK & BLUE:
This car game’s been around for decades, most recently re-entering public consciousness with the introduction of the retro-style VW Beetle in 1999. Some places it’s called ‘Punch Buggy’, others it’s known as ‘Slug Bug’. According to “The Complete Rules of Punch Buggy” by Michael Lockhart & Ian Finlayson, when you spot a VW Beetle, you yell ’Punch Buggy!’ and the color of the car as you sock the other player. If you don’t want to get hit back, you have to add ‘No Punch Back’. Several variations have sprouted up, including ‘Beetle Bop’, ‘Jetta Jab’, ‘PT Cruiser Bruiser’ and, when a vehicle with fake wood paneling is spotted, ‘Wood Whacker’, leading to the chant: ‘Whack wood, wood whacker, no whack back’. (Whichever you end up playing on your summer vacation, it’ll beat the heck out of “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” … sorta.)

WE’RE WAITING FOR BEEF RIPPLE:
Beer ice cream has gone on sale in Britain. The distinctive taste of Newcastle Brown Ale has become the latest ice cream flavor from the family-run Doddington Dairies, but will only be available during the summer months. Newcastle Brown Ale has previously been used as an ingredient in other food products, such as bread. (And, oddly, it also shows up in the local beer.)

HTH (Hope This Helps):
As part of their $750-million peace treaty, AOL Time Warner and Microsoft are promising to try to make their popular Internet instant-messaging programs, AOL Instant Messenger and MSN Instant Messenger, work together to communicate with each other. (Because there are still a couple of 15-year-olds left that aren’t totally wired together at all times.)

PIG PARTS IN MONKEYS:
University of Minnesota researchers have suppressed diabetes in lab monkeys by transplanting pancreatic tissue from pigs, meaning pig transplants could eventually cure childhood (or type-1) diabetes in humans. The monkeys have survived for more than 2 months without insulin, previously needed to keep them alive. (Cool, bacon is good for you!)

PEOPLE PARTS IN PIGS:
A large breeding sow and its 8 piglets have apparently eaten a 73-year-old farmer who fainted and fell into a pigsty in China’s Liaoning province. Police found the pigs gnawing on large bones after neighbors reported having not seen the widower for a few days. (The pigs say it tasted like chicken.)

BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING:
The Pentagon’s Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has solicited bids and hopes to award contracts THIS SUMMER to develop ‘LifeLog’, a project that aims to capture and analyze a multimedia record of everything a person sees, hears, reads, says and touches – from travel to Internet chats. This digital ‘super diary’ could provide private companies with powerful software to analyze behavior. (When exactly did our right to privacy go out the window?)

AND SO IS BIG SISTER:
The makers of the hi-tech digital TV recording system Tivo have introduced a new feature called ‘Tivo Get-A-Life’ that monitors when a user reaches a preset limit for ‘too much TV’ in a week. At that point, the ‘TivoGAL’ will turn off the program you’re watching and offer suggestions for alternative activities. It monitors local weather and if it’s nice outside it’ll suggest you try some outdoor activities. If it’s raining, it may suggest you read a good book. And if you watch a lot of country music videos, it may even suggest you get a 6-pack and go sit on the porch!

BS AMAZING FACT:
According to a new MarketResearch.com study, 78% of North American grocery purchases are now controlled by 5- to 14-year-old kids.

THE BULL SHEET 06.05.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [64] Joe Clark, High River AB, just retired leader of national Progressive Conservative party/youngest-ever Prime Minister at age 39 (1979-80)

1956 [47] Kenny G (Gorelick), Seattle WA, schmaltzy pop saxophonist (“Breathless”) who thankfully has disappeared from the radar screen

1969 [34] Brian McKnight, Buffalo NY, R&B singer (“Anytime”, “Back at One”)

1971 [32] Mark Wahlberg, Dorchester MA, movie actor (“The Italian Job”, “The Perfect Storm”, “Boogie Nights”)/former musician (Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch)  NEXT MOVIE: The comedy “I Love Huckabee’s” with Jude Law, Naomi Watts & Dustin Hoffman, coming in 2004.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Sunday is the CMA’s 32nd annual “Fan Fair” in Nashville TN where country music fans get a chance to meet the stars. Vince Gill & Alan Jackson are among the artists scheduled to perform. TODAY Rhett Akins, Troy Gentry & Aaron Tippin are among those competing in an archery contest.
PHONER: 888-FAN-FAIR
NET: http://www.fanfair.com/2003

TODAY is “International Nursing Assistants Day”, observed annually on the first Thursday in June. It is also the beginning of “Nursing Assistants Week”, recognizing those devoted souls who suffer from bedpan hands.

TODAY is “National Shut Up Day”, a day to give quiet people a chance to talk.

TODAY is “World Environment Day”, as declared annually by the United Nations since 1972.

TODAY is “National Hunger Awareness Day“, when America’s Second Harvest is encouraging us to donate to an online food drive. Donations are identified by zip code so that they benefit local food banks in your community.
NET: http://www.secondharvest.org

TODAY 37-year-old Indiana native Brad Hauter arrives in NYC after riding his Yard-Man lawnmower 5,600 miles across the country from San Francisco – at 10 mph. He began his cross-country trek March 19th to raise money for the ‘Great American Cleanup’, part of the “Keep America Beautiful” program. When all is said and done, the ‘Lawnmower Man’ hopes he’ll have raised at least $200,000 in donations.

TOMORROW the 1st annual “World Stupidity Awards” will be announced in Toronto by the Main Organization Revealing Obvious Numbskulls (MORON). Nominees were chosen by experts in the field – a bunch of idiots. Winners have been given an open invitation to attend to receive the ‘Golden Dunce Cap’. Award categories include ‘Stupidest Government in the World’, ‘Dumbest Person of the Year’, ‘Stupidity in TV & Film’, ‘Award for Reckless Endangerment of the Planet’, and the ‘Stupidity Lifetime Achievement Award’.
PHONER: 416-821-1999 (Albert Nerenberg)
NET: http://www.stupidity.ca

THIS WEEK is “Safe Kids Week 2003″. Safe Kids Canada says over half of pre-teens and teens aged 11-14 don’t consistently wear helmets when they ride bicycles. 70% don’t always use helmets when on in-line skates, and 84% don’t always wear helmets on skateboards and
scooters. More than 500 Canadian kids are hospitalized every year for head injuries from bike crashes alone.
NET: http://www.safekidscanada.ca

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1907 [96] 1st ‘automatic washer & dryer’

1967 [36] 1st NHL ‘expansion’ announced, adding 6 new American teams for 1967-68 season

1977 [26] 1st ‘personal computer’ (Apple II)

1989 [14] 1st MLB game in ‘convertible stadium’ (Milwaukee Brewers beat Blue Jays 5-3 at Toronto’s new Skydome that features retractable roof)

1998 [05] 1st episode of steamy TV series “Sex and the City”, starring Sarah Jessica Parker

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988 [15] ‘Longest champagne cork flight’ record set at 177 feet, 9 inches in NYC

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Friday] Couple Appreciation Day
[Friday] Donut Day
[Sat] Belmont Stakes
[Sat] National Family Day
[Sun] 2003 Tony Awards
[Sun] Name Your Poison Day
This Week Is . . . Canadian Environment Week / Small Business Week
This Month Is . . . Fresh Fruit & Vegetable Month / Iced Tea Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ETIQUETTE TIPS:
• When drinking directly out of a wine bottle, always hold it so your fingers cover the label.
• Your dinner table centerpiece should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
• Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
• Never take a beer to a job interview.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
• Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
• Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too, and always remember – his razor is his.

THE BS 5 IN 10 GAME:
Phone contestant has 10 seconds to list each of the following . . .
• 5 things you see at a baseball game.
• 5 kinds of flowers you would put in a bouquet.
• 5 things kids hate to eat.
• 5 kinds of dogs.
• 5 things you might find in the trunk of your car.

BS CONVEYOR BELT:
Recreate all the excitement of an airport baggage claim using the SFX of a conveyer belt. Your contestant also hears a listing of unusual items as they pass by. After 20 or so have been announced, give the contestant 60 seconds to recall as many as possible.

BS INTERVIEW:
Toronto-based Cyberwalker Media has launched an online guide to SMS (Short Messaging Service) lingo. Since text messaging between cellular phones is limited to about 150 characters, weird acronyms and short forms for words and phrases are constantly evolving. Some of them are leaking into popular culture, ie: the song “Sk8ter Boi”. Ask for some common SMS jargon. Are there SMS terms that are multilingual?
PHONER: 510-548-4005 (Andy Walker)
NET: http://SMSglossary.com/definitions.html

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• There’s enough leisure time for everybody, but the wrong people seem to have it.
• I just bought Claudia Schiffer’s new exercise video. It’s called “You’ll Never Look As Good As I Do, No Matter How Hard You Exercise!”
• A new education study shows our kids are so bad at science, 2 out of 3 dissected frogs actually get better!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 78% of women say you should never do THIS at the beach, while 22% say it’s OK with them.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Wear makeup.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

 


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