Thursday, June 19, 2008           Edition: #3801
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

ABC-TV has reupped Jimmy Kimmel’s contract, opting to keep his late-night show, “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”, on-air through at least 2010 (now he’s “F-ing ABC”) . . . Those beer-swilling, lumberjack jacket-wearing Canadian ‘hosers’ first made famous on “SCTV” in the 1980s are coming back in “The Animated Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie” on FOX/Global-TV, voiced by the creators of the original characters, Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas (the latest show being developed in Canada for US export) . . . 25-year-old actress Anne Hathaway has reportedly dumped her shady, lawsuit-magnet boyfriend of 4 years, Raffaello Follieri, the 29-year-old real estate developer whose children’s charity is now under investigation for tax irregularities (apparently co-starring in “Get Smart” rubbed off on her!) . . . 21-year-old Lindsay Lohan, whose acting career has been stalled by several stints in rehab, has consistently been early on the set of the now-shooting movie “Labor Pains” and well-prepared for the grueling 12-hour shooting days, according to producers (don’t get your hopes up, guys – train wrecks are always a surprise) . . . And despite earning rave reviews and an Emmy nomination for his work on “30 Rock” (NBC), 50-year-old actor & lame-ass dad Alec Baldwin says he’s considering leaving the show – and the acting world altogether (let us be the first to say … hurray!).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Taylor Swift and James Blunt are the musical guests.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Lil Wayne (“Lollipop”) is onstage. With “Tha Carter III”, he’s becomes the first artist since 50 Cent in 2005 to sell more than a million copies of an album in a single week.
• “Late Show With David Letterman (CBS) – Keyshia Cole (“Heaven Sent”) performs.
• “Live From Abbey Road” (Sundance Channel) – It’s the premiere of the 12-part 2nd season of the acclaimed music series featuring A-list artists at London’s legendary Abbey Road Studios. TONIGHT’s show features Dashboard Confessional, James Blunt, and Mary J Blige.
• Songwriters Hall of Fame Gala – The 2008 inductees feted in NYC include country legend Loretta Lynn (“Coal Miner’s Daughter”) and Rock & Roll Hall of Famer John Sebastian (Lovin’ Spoonful). John Rzeznik (Goo Goo Dolls) receives the ‘Starlight Award’, recognizing talented young songwriters; Canadian songbird Anne Murray receives the ‘Hitmaker Award’ for having a substantial number of hit songs over an extended period of time.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC/A Channel) – Welsh singer Duffy (“Mercy”) performs.

• Britney Spears – A Los Angeles court commissioner has agreed to allow her reps to sell her home in the gated Summit community. The decision requires court approval because her finances & personal affairs remain under the control of conservators, one being her father. (So does this mean she’s leaving LA … or just relocating the local paparazzi camp?)
• John Mayer – You’d think he & steady GF Jennifer Aniston would have more class than resorting to mooching R&R time at Casa Aramara, the beachfront Punta Mita, Mexico villa that belongs to “Girls Gone Wild” sleazebag Joe Francis … but apparently not.
• Ludacris – He’s collaborating with a company called VoodooVox to create a ‘mobile recording studio’. Basically, the technology allows participants to call in and record a demo of vocals and beats for all to hear by using any cellphone as a microphone.
• Pussycat Dolls – Britney Spears’ recently-shot cameo has reportedly been dropped from the final cut of their video for “When I Grow Up” with no reason being given. (Maybe she’s cleaned up her act too much to hang with lip-syncing strippers?)

• “Cowboys & Aliens” – “Iron Man” actor Robert Downey Jr is in talks to star in this upcoming sci-fi adventure planned for a 2010 release. It’s an unlikely tale of a battle between settlers and Apache warriors in the Old West that’s suddenly interrupted by … the crash landing of an alien spaceship.
• “The Prince of Providence” – In this upcoming political bio-pic, Oliver Platt will play the charismatic and corrupt Providence RI mayor Vincent ‘Buddy’ Cianci. Dermot Mulroney and Ed Burns are signed to co-star. And Robin Williams is in talks to join the cast, pending ‘scheduling issues’. (BS translation: they want to be sure he’s really on-the-wagon first.)
• “Sherlock Holmes” – Film director Guy Ritchie (Madonna’s hubby) will try to revive his flagging career by giving the legendary British detective a gritty, gangland-style makeover. The hero will be reinvented as a sword-wielding street-fighter with a short fuse. Warner Bros hopes to release the film sometime in 2010. (Will ‘Mr Watson’ be a ninja?)
• “The Three Musketeers” – A new adaptation of Alexandre Dumas’ enduring tale of swordsmen ‘Athos’, ‘Porthos’ and ‘Aramis’ is in the works, focusing on how they first banded together. ‘D’Artagnan’, the final member of the gang, will either be introduced late in the 1st movie or in a 2nd installment. No casting has yet been announced. Why make another movie about this? One reason is the Dumas novel is now in the public domain. (In other words … it’s free.)
• “Whiteout“ – 34-year-old star Kate Beckinsale demanded a body double for a shower scene in this crime thriller because she refused to bare her derriere. Not that she’s against it … just self-conscious. Producers were forced to hire a $2,000-a-day buttock model to stand in. Beckinsale plays a US Marshal who’s tracking a killer in Antarctica, just as the Sun is about to set for 6 months. The film was shot in Montréal & Winnipeg for a late SEPTEMBER opening.

A new leg-lengthening surgery available in Germany promises to make you taller … if you can stand the excruciating pain. The procedure involves severing the thighbones and inserting a rod-like telescoping implant into the bone canal of each leg, bridging the cut. After a recovery period, the patient clicks a remote control that signals the rod to telescope out 1 millimeter per day, stretching the newly-forming bone callus with it. The sensation is apparently similar to the intense growth spurts experienced by teenagers. If all goes well, the bones eventually knit together and harden into their new, longer form. (Wanna be taller? Break a leg!)
– “Details”

The computer game industry is set to outstrip all other media sectors with an annual growth rate slightly over 10%, according to the bean-counters at Price-Waterhouse-Coopers. Global game sales, which totaled about $43 billion LAST YEAR, are expected to rocket to $70 billion by 2012. And in-game advertising is expected to more than double to just over $2 billion, which translates to an annual growth rate close to 17%. The key factors behind the zooming expansion are said to be new cellphones capable of increasingly sophisticated games and the penetration of broadband into more-and-more households, allowing participation in online games. (Instead of buying your kids yet another game, invest in the industry and pay for their education!)
– Reuters

A new ranking of the worst jerks we’ve learned to hate on reality shows …
10. Lisa D’Amato, “America’s Next Top Model 5”.
9. Ramona Singer, “The Real Housewives of New York City”.
8. Wendy Pepper, “Project Runway”.
7. Spencer Pratt, “The Hills”.
6. Lisa Fernandes, “Top Chef 4”.
5. Trish Schneider, “The Bachelor 5“.
4. Puck, “Real World San Francisco”.
2. Jonathan Baker, “The Amazing Race 6”.
3. Jonny Fairplay, “Survivor: Pearl Islands” and “Survivor: Micronesia”.
1. Omarosa, “The Apprentice” and “Celebrity Apprentice”
– “TV Guide”

A new study from the University of Buffalo claims that, contrary to conventional wisdom, people who do not express their feelings after a traumatic event actually end up coping better than people who are encouraged to share their feelings. For example, instead of urging students to seek counseling after something as intense as a school shooting, the study suggests that most people will cope just fine on their own as time goes by. (How come shooters are usually ‘the quiet guy next door that seemed so normal’?)

Colorado State University psychologists have made a link between road rage and … bumper stickers. Their study finds that people who have a larger number of personalized items on or in their vehicles are 16% more likely to lose it while on the road. Lead researcher William Szlemko says the number of ‘territory markers’ on a vehicle predict road rage better than a vehicle’s value, its condition, or any other things we normally associate with aggressive driving. When it comes to bumper stickers, it’s the number of them on a given vehicle, not their content, that predicts road rage. (And if they’re on a pickup or SUV driven by a young male … hide!)

Scottish police are considering child abuse charges against a couple who’ve raised their child as a strict vegan since birth. Allegedly, because of the diet, the 12-year-old girl has been admitted to hospital with a degenerative bone condition which has left her with a number of fractured bones and the spine of an 80-year-old woman. (If you don’t support cruelty to animals, it’s cruelty to children?)
– “Times of London”

In the time it takes an elephant to produce one offspring, an oyster can lay more than 1 billion eggs. (No wonder oysters are an aphrodisiac!)


1950 [58] Ann Wilson, San Diego CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“What About Love”, “Barracuda”)

1954 [54] Kathleen Turner, Springfield MO, movie actress (“Romancing the Stone”, “Body Heat”)/stage actress (“The Graduate”)

1962 [46] Paula Abdul, Van Nuys CA, incoherent TV personality (“American Idol” judge since 2002)/pop singer (“Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow”, 1988 Grammy-“Opposites Attract”)

1969 [39] Lara Spencer (Von Seelen), Garden City NY, TV host (“The Insider” since 2004, “Antiques Roadshow” 2004-05)

1975 [33] Poppy Montgomery, Sydney, Australia, TV actress (‘Special Agent Samantha Spade’ on “Without a Trace” since 2002)

1984 [24] Paul Dano, Wilton CT, movie actor (“There Will Be Blood”, “Little Miss Sunshine”)

• “Juneteenth”, marking the day in 1865 that slaves in several Southern states heard they had been emancipated. It’s a state holiday in Texas and observed in at least 3 other US states.

• “Martini Day”. Recipe for a very dry martini: take 1 bottle of gin.

• “World Sauntering Day”, a day to ‘revive the art of Victorian sauntering, and discourage jogging, lollygagging, sashaying, fast walking and trotting’. Can we stumble?

1978 [30] Jim Davis’ fat cat comic strip “Garfield” debuts in newspapers (what can we say but ‘big fat hairy deal’?)

1981 [27] 13-year-old singing phenom Celine Dion makes her TV debut in Québec (back when future manager and husband René is only 72)

1917 [91] By order of King George V, the British royal family dispenses with German titles and surnames (Saxe-Coburg and Gotha) and takes on the inoffensive name ‘Windsor’

1941 [67] Breakfast cereal ‘Cheerios’ is 1st marketed, under the name ‘Cheerie Oats’

1954 [54] WB cartoon character ‘Tasmanian Devil’ (aka ‘Taz’), who sounds like a buzzsaw when he goes into a whirlwind, debuts in “Devil May Hare”, starring Bugs Bunny

1983 [25] Opening of Canada’s 1st ‘Domed Stadium’, Vancouver’s ‘BC Place’

1981 [27] World’s ‘Largest Hamburger’ weighs in at 3,020 lbs in Towner ND (“… and gimme a bushel of onions, 8 gallons of mustard, and a keg of ketchup, please”)

1985 [23] Angelo Spagnolo shoots an incredible 66 on the 17th hole and an 18-hole total of 257 to ‘win’ the “Worst Avid Golfer’s Tournament” at Ponte Vedra FL (loses 60 golf balls, 27 of them in water)

[Fri] World Refugee Day
[Fri] Take Your Dog to Work Day
[Fri] 35th Daytime Emmy Awards (CBS)
[Fri] Summer arrives (7:59 pm EDT)
[Fri] “Get Smart”; “The Love Guru” open in movie theaters
[Sat] 1st Day of Summer
[Sat] Canadian Aboriginal Day
[Sat] Baby Boomers Recognition Day
[Sat-Sun] Virgin Festival (Calgary)
This Week Is … Appreciate Your Plumbing, Heating & Cooling Professionals Week
This Month Is … Rebuild Your Life Month


• Whyzit no one ever says ‘It’s only a game’ when their team’s winning?
• Whyzit ‘middle of the night’ comes after ‘end of the night’?
• Whyzit women aren’t awarded ‘bachelorette’ degrees?
• Whyzit you don’t ever see ads for advertising companies?
• Whyzit bright people don’t get extra days off to compensate for all the time they waste on boneheads?

• The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• The shortest distance between any 2 points on a golf course is a straight line … that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• There are 2 kinds of bounces … unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play them.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make 2 triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• The little white ball won’t move till you hit it, and there’s nothing you can do after it’s gone.

If you could eliminate one habit your partner has, what would you have them stop doing?

In the interest of promoting more erudite language as well as general goofiness, here’s a truly weird word for you to toss around for the day (award callers for tying it in with whatever they’re talking about) …
• ‘Hircismus’ [HIR-cuss-muss] – A noun meaning offensive armpit odor. Comes from the root word ‘hircus’ which means goat in Latin. Apparently it was thought smelly pits smelled like goats.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, people in the media consume the most alcohol. THIS profession ranks 2nd.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Construction workers.

An inferiority complex is conviction by a jury of fears.

Printer Friendly Version