Wednesday, June 19, 2002           Edition: #2322
Only by pressing the limits do you ever find them!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Seems the estranged Mr J-Lo, Cris Judd, has gone from a bankroll to eggrolls in less than a year, as he’s reportedly been spotted helping out his mother in her no-frills diner in Niceville FL, absurdly called ‘Eggrolls Are Us’ (PHONER: 850-729-2877) . . . Word is if DNA tests show that Hollywood producer Steve Bing is NOT the father of actress Elizabeth Hurley’s 2-month-old baby boy, she’s likely to name “Friends” Matthew Perry as the father (she seems to have lots to choose from, not that she’s a ho or anything) . . . Vancouver actor Gil Bellows (“The Agency”) was spotted handing out $100-bills to the homeless while shopping at the Hollywood Farmers Market (that’s shocking — Hollywood has a farmers’ market”?) . . . In preparation for her myriad court cases coming up this summer, rowdy rocker Courtney Love has reportedly gotten another nose job (next a brain transplant?) . . . Dress designers Caroline Eavis & Annie Brown made Heather Mills’ $15,000-gown for FREE thinking they’d get loads of publicity from the McCartney wedding, but unfortunately most press reports ignored them completely (why do rich people always get free stuff?) . . . And poor lonely Britney Spears says that if she was ready to start dating again, which she isn’t, her ideal man would be Hugh Grant, who, at 41, is twice her age (she looking for a daddy figure or what?).

WORKABLE WAGES:
What some celebs make if their income is calculated on a per-hour basis –
• Microsoft mogul Bill Gates ($288,000 an hour)
• Golfer Tiger Woods ($29,121 per hour)
• NY Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter ($14,615 per hour)
• Actress Nicole Kidman ($7,212 per hour)
Source: “NY Post”

21ST CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Paco Paco’ — A current fad in Japan, the Paco Paco is a steamy dance performed by women only that consists of several variations of crotch-grinding. (Maybe I’m interested in going to the World Cup after all!)
• ‘Double Unders’ — A skipping term that involves turning the rope fast enough to make it pass under the feet TWICE each time the skipper jumps. If that’s not impressive enough, expert skippers have also been known to perform ‘Triple Unders’ and even ‘Quads’. (Is there a special word for when you can get over the rope once – almost?)
• ‘Washout’ — A law enforcement term for a phenomenon that occurs when competing sirens and emergency lights drown each other out. It can be dangerous because police and bystanders become confused as to the direction from which emergency vehicles are coming. (Similar to when your spouse and mother-in-law are screaming at you simultaneously.)

SHOP RAGE:
A new survey finds the average consumer spends 73 hours a year in line-ups and at checkouts. More than half of those polled say they have walked out of a store because of unsatisfactory service at least once. 20% admit to becoming aggressive and losing their temper because of line-ups, crowds or poor service. 1 in 12 says shopping is a source of arguments with their partner.

TOP-HEAVY KIDS:
How heavy is that backpack your kid lugs to school? Hong Kong is beginning an ‘electronic schoolbag’ program to help reduce the weight of student backpacks. Most teaching materials will soon be available online, making it unnecessary for heavy textbooks and materials to be transported home. The program comes 5 months after a local 9-year-old student fell 20 floors to his death when the weight of his rucksack apparently caused him to topple over a railing.

HE DOESN’T DO WINDOWS:
43-year-old performance artist David Brinkworth is set to unveil his new ‘show’ at the Ikon Gallery in Birmingham, England. In his work of art called ‘Gallery Cleaning Service’, he will mop, sweep, dust and generally clean the entire art gallery in front of spectators and art critics. He says the work is dedicated to the unsung heroes who usually clean the gallery. They’ve been given the day off. (If he does well, maybe Dave will be offered a real job.)

SEARCH ENGINE RATINGS:
Some wacko with way too much time on his hands has determined that if you initiate a Web search using Google with the search terms ‘Mike Piazza’ and ‘gay’, you’ll get a whopping 743 results. Compare that to ‘Steven Segal’ and ‘talented actor’ — just 10 results. And how about ‘Carrot Top’ and ‘talented comedian’ — only 5! What does all this mean? Probably squat. (But it could be the basis for silly experiments on your show.)

FURRY FASHION:
New Zealand’s Gray Fur Traders became famous for marketing ‘nipple warmers’ made from possum fur. They’ve now expanded their inventory to include matching G-strings for both men and women. Before you get all teary-eyed over the poor possum, keep in mind they’re considered to be a major pest in that country. (And besides, it’s winter in the Southern Hemisphere — you gotta stay warm ‘Down Under’.)

THE NEXT HEDGEHOG?
30-year-old Dustin Pillard of Rockwell, Iowa has developed what he hopes will be the next popular pet – the miniature cow. He now has around 50 tiny cattle on his farm – the smallest full-grown animal a 3-year-old bull that’s 33 inches tall and weighs 320 lbs. So far, he’s had inquiries from as far away as Europe, Mexico and Argentina. Starting price is about $1,000. So what do you do with them? And do you have to milk them with tweezers?
PHONER: 641-822-3451

BS SHOCKING FACT:
According to a recent poll, some $45-million-worth of food is tossed in the garbage every year by frustrated people who discover they can’t recreate the dishes created by TV chefs.

THE BULL SHEET 06.19.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [52] Ann Wilson, San Diego CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“What About Love”, “Magic Man”, “Barracuda”)

1954 [48] Kathleen Turner, Springfield MO, stage actress (made headlines with daily disrobing in stage production of “The Graduate”)/movie actress (“Body Heat”, “Romancing the Stone”)

1954 [48] Tasmanian Devil (‘Taz’), Hollywood CA, WB cartoon character who sounds like a buzzsaw when he goes into a whirlwind (debuts in “Devil May Hare”, co-starring Bugs Bunny)

1962 [40] Paula Abdul, Van Nuys CA, TV co-host/judge (“American Idol”)/washed-up pop singer who was about as hot as you can get back in 1988 (Grammy-“Opposites Attract”)/choreographer

1978 [24] ‘Garfield’, Jim Davis’ fat cat comic strip 1st appears in newspapers (now read by over 220 million in more than 2,500 newspapers worldwide) QUOTE: “Big fat hairy deal.”

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Fritz Storm from Denmark has won the “World Barista Championships” in Oslo, Norway with a coffee-based concoction called ‘Cool Lime’. During the 3-day competition, coffee-bar tenders from over 30 countries had 15 minutes each to prepare espresso, cappuccino and their own signature drink for an international panel of judges.

TODAY is “Juneteenth”, marking the day in 1865 that slaves in several Southern states heard they had been emancipated. It’s a state holiday in Texas and at least 3 other states.

TODAY is “World Sauntering Day”, a day to ‘revive the art of Victorian sauntering, and discourage jogging, lollygagging, sashaying, fast walking and trotting’.

TODAY is “National Martini Day”. (Recipe for a very dry martini — 1. Take one bottle of gin. 2. Chug it.)

FRIDAY is the 4th annual “Take Your Dog to Work Day”, created by Pet Sitters International in 1999 to call attention to the wonderful companionship dogs provide and to encourage pet adoptions from animal shelters. To celebrate this year’s event, there’s an official ‘Doggie Briefcase’ that comes with a chewable plush cell phone that actually rings, hair accessories, a lunch bowl with lunch treats, and thankfully, a poop bag — all for about 20 bucks.
PHONER: 336-983-9222 (Pet Sitters International, King NC)
NET: http://www.petsit.com/tydtwd/default.asp

THIS WEEKEND in Luling, Texas, they celebrate the watermelon harvest at the annual “Watermelon Thump”. One of the events is the ‘World Champion Seed-Spitting Contest’, recognized by the “Guinness Book of World Records”. The current record is just under 69 ft. So what’s the secret to seed-spitting success?
PHONER: 830-875-3214 (Susan Ward, Luling Watermelon Thump Association)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1941 [61] ‘Cheerios’ 1st sold (as ‘Cheerie Oats’)

1981 [21] 13-year-old Céline Dion makes TV debut in Québec (back when future husband Rene was 72)

1983 [19] Opening of Canada’s 1st ‘domed stadium’, Vancouver’s ‘BC Place’ (now ‘GM Place’)

1964 [38] 1st ‘topless bar’ opens, in San Francisco

1978 [24] 1st male-named hurricane (‘Bud’ hits Southern US)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1985 [17] Angelo Spagnolo earns title ‘Worst Recreational Hacker’ at “Worst Avid Golfers Tournament” in Ponte Vedra FL by shooting an incredible 257 (including a 66 on the 17th hole alone), losing 60 golf balls, and knocking 27 balls into the water!

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Prince William turns 20
[Fri] Canadian Aboriginal Day
[Fri] Baby Boomers Recognition Day
[Mon] Discovery Day (NF) / Fête Nationale or Saint-Jean- Baptiste Day (QC)
[June 26-27] G-8 Summit (Kananaskis/Calgary AB)
[June 30] World Cup final
Forgiveness Week
Fight The Filthy Fly Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
Summer officially arrives at 9:24 am EDT FRIDAY. But here’s some –
BS SIGNS YOU’RE JUST NOT READY FOR SUMMER:
• Putting on last year’s swimsuit requires Vaseline and a shoe-horn.
• You’re still trying to untangle the Christmas lights from the Weed Whacker.
• You used all your bikini wax to polish your skis during the winter.
• Your belly has more rolls than Sara Lee.
• Still hungover from Spring Break.
• Your nickname down at the fitness club – ‘Chicken Legs’.

TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. (TRUE)
• Legislation passed by the Canadian government during WWI making it illegal to say ‘gesundheit’ to someone who sneezes has technically never been repealed. (BS)
• The first McDonald’s restaurant in Scotland opened for business in 1952 in Edinburgh, and featured the ‘McHaggis’ sandwich. (BS)
• Country superstar Faith Hill’s favorite food is watermelon with hot fudge. (BS. She does have an affinity for tomato sandwiches however.)
• Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting. (BS. They live at opposite poles.)
• The National Football League one approved a merger between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Pittsburgh Steelers which resulted in a team known as the ‘Steagles’. [TRUE! The approval was given 59 years ago TODAY (1943). Several franchises temporarily merged in the 1940s because so many players were in the armed forces during WWII, it was difficult to field an entire team. The Steagles lasted just one season.]
• At current mortality rates, only 1 person in 2 billion will live to be 116 or older. (TRUE. Unfortunately it will be your mother-in-law.)
• Before achieving success as a singer, Luciano Pavarotti was an elementary school teacher. (TRUE)
• Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays. (BS. How about one-seventh?)
• Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the “Toledo Post-Dispatch”. (BS)

DUMB BASEBALL QUOTES:
• “It’s a beautiful day for a night game.” – Announcer Frankie Frisch.
• “Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win.” – Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reported the death of Pope Paul VI in 1978.
• “It was too bad I wasn’t a 2nd baseman, then I’d probably have seen a lot more of my husband.” – Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose in 1981.
• “I won’t play for a penny less than $1500.” – Legendary player Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000.

BS WEEKLY HORRIBLESCOPE:
• Gemini (May 21-June 20) – Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as ‘please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth’ will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.
• Cancer (June 21-July 22) – Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. You will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
• Leo (July 23-August 22) – Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of Kleenex upon re-entering the room.
• Virgo (August 23-September 22) – That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
• Libra (September 22-October 22) – Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
• Scorpio (October 23-November 21) – You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as ‘Nose Bleeders Quarterly’.
•  Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) – Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment’s reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
• Capricorn (December 22-January 20) – You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.
• Aquarius (January 21-February 18) – A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you’ll simply get used to it.
• Pisces (February 19-March 20) – Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know, the quiet neighbor — with the binoculars?
• Aries (March 21-April 19) – A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main Street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
• Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 30% of husbands and wives don’t know this about their spouse.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: What they earn.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The things that come to those who wait are what’s left behind by those who got there first.

 


Printer Friendly Version