Friday, June 14, 2002                           Edition: #2319
New & Improved BS — Now With An Even More Refreshing Aroma!

TODAY Winona Ryder is due to appear in Beverly Hills court for arraignment on charges of shoplifting, vandalism & drug possession for which she’s facing over 3 years in prison (her lawyer says she’ll plead not guilty, then fake another sore elbow) . . . TONIGHT Cher kicks off her 50-city “Living Proof — The Farewell Tour” in Toronto (yup, she’s finally calling it quits at age 56) . . . SUNDAY Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger leads Canadian nominees at the “2002 MuchMusic Video Awards” with 8 nominations for work with the band and solo, while Swollen Members are nominated for 6 trophies, David Usher for 5, Default and Sum 41 have 4 apiece ( . . . Now we find out who’s to blame for the bust-up — “NY Post” quotes a source as saying Jennifer Lopez likes to have ‘a man at home to cuddle’ and still be able to go out and party whenever she wants . . . Nude pics of Tiger Woods’
girlfriend Elin Nordegren have reportedly surfaced, but neither “Playboy” nor “Penthouse” is interested (that’s because they’re really shots of Anna Kournakova) . . . A bigscreen version of the Puccini opera “La Bohemme” from “Moulin Rouge” director Baz Luhrmann may star pop singer Kylie Minogue . . . And there’s speculation Lisa-Marie Presley may have gotten back together with boyfriend Nicolas Cage because Elvis is going to be a grampa – again.

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s” Sarah Michelle Gellar & real-life boyfriend Freddie Prinze Jr star in the bigscreen version of the old Hanna-Barbera Saturday morning cartoon show “Scooby-Doo”, guaranteed a big opening because the first trailer for “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets” premieres ahead of it in theaters (buzz is a lip-lock between ‘Daphne’ [Geller] and ‘Velma’ [Linda Cardellini] was left on the cutting-room floor to ensure the pic’s ‘family’ status) . . . Matt Damon stars in the thriller “The Bourne Identity”, about a secret agent with amnesia who must elude assassins to stay alive (based on the Robert Ludlum best-seller) . . . Nicolas Cage stars in John Woo’s war drama “Windtalkers”, the story of the Navajo Code Talkers used to send encrypted messages during WWII (with a name like ‘Windtalkers’, you’d think it was a comedy starring Jim Carrey).

A panel of Canadian television industry figures has compiled a list of the all-time top Canadian exports to American TV for THIS WEEK’S Banff Television Festival. The list includes actors Raymond Burr, Michael J Fox, Lorne Greene, William Shatner, comedians Jim Carrey and Rich Little, journalists Peter Jennings, Robert MacNeil and Morley Safer, and game show host Alex Trebek. (Who’d they leave out? Red Green?)                          .

Let’s face it, regular car alarms are useless. People don’t even pay attention to a car honking its horn and blinking its lights anymore. Enter the new ‘Auto Taser’ – an anti-theft system that combines a screeching alarm and a 5,900 milliwatt electronic zapper guaranteed to get any thief’s attention. You just lock the gizmo on your steering wheel similar to the ‘Club’ and then arm it. (Also cuts down on the number of family and friends asking to borrow your car.)

“FHM” magazine asked 100 single women about how they survive on their own. Some highlights –
• 91% would prefer NOT to split the bill on the first date.
• 73% make the first move.
• 64% have gone to a wedding alone.
• 55% have gone to the movies by themselves.
• 48% have juggled boyfriends.
• 45% cook for themselves on a regular basis.
• 37% plan to take their future husband’s last name.
• 28% live alone.
• 22% prefer being single.
• 20% have purchased a sex toy.
• 19% own a cat.
• 11% hate sharing their bed.
• 9% prefer one-night stands.
• 7% wouldn’t mind supporting their husband financially.
• 6% would consider proposing to a man.
• 3% have made a life decision based on their horoscope.

“Focus” magazine reports US Airways has become the first airline to offer frequent flier miles for — space travel. Collecting them could take a while though – you’ll need 10 MILLION air miles (250 circumnavigations of the Earth) to qualify for a seat on a suborbital flight with Space Adventures Ltd. (How can there be ‘air’ miles in space?)

15-year-old Christopher Watt is recovering in hospital after being swept into Ottawa’s 1,320-mile sewer system and spending 5 hours floundering in sewage. (It’s the most crap anyone in Ottawa’s experienced since Jean Chrétien’s last press scrum.)

• Oak Park MI police say a Taiwanese man may not have committed any crime even though he claims to have castrated about 50 men and human testicles from a Canadian were found in his refrigerator. Seems his ‘patients’ were all consenting adults. (Tip: when ordering Chinese take-out in the Detroit area, never get the chicken balls.)
• Thanks to the ‘dirty bomb’ scare, a Website called is taking 10,000 orders a day for worthless ‘anti-radiation’ pills. (What’s next – bomb helmits?)
• Thanks to a tip on the Crimestoppers phone line, police in Missoula, Montana have uncovered a cache of garden gnomes stolen in a year-long series of thefts. Victims of gnome-napping are being invited to the cop shop to try to pick their statues out of a gnome lineup. (“Yeah, that’s him – the one with the little hat.”)

• Britain’s 300,000 Freemasons are threatening legal action to stop the government from identifying its secret members in the police and the criminal justice system. (Or revealing their ultra-secret handshake.)
• Senegal, which plays in the 2nd round of the World Cup on SUNDAY, is being applauded for using hard work to achieve success and not — witchcraft. Special potions and hexing spells are just some of the spiritual practices that are common to the game in Africa where witchcraft is deeply rooted. Burying part of an animal at midnight in a soccer field may seem to be a bizarre way to try to win a game, but it is one of the common practices African soccer officials are trying to stamp out.
• The Bank of England has withdrawn its so-called ‘most secure 5-pound note ever produced’ because it was discovered — that the serial numbers rub off.
• A French performance artist shocked an art festival audience in Cali, Colombia by cutting off his own pinky finger with an ax and using it as a paint brush to create a picture. Pierre Pinoncelli says the self-mutilation was to protest the kidnapping of a Colombian presidential candidate. (Unfortunately for his career, he can only do this show 9 more times.)

Studies show that the month in which most people lose their virginity is — JUNE!


1942 [60] Bambi, Hollywood CA, famous orphan/spotted venison on-the-hoof (Disney movie 1st released)

1946 [56] Donald Trump, NYC, real estate billionaire (Trump Tower/Plaza/Castle)/author (“The Art of the Deal”)/ex-Mr Marla, ex-Mr Ivana

1961 [41] Boy George (George O’Dowd), Kent ENG, oldies singer (Culture Club-“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”, “Karma Chameleon”) who now has a stage musical called “Taboo” running in London’s West End

1969 [33] Steffi Graf (‘Fraulein Forehand’), Mannheim GER, retired tennis player who won 21 Grand Slam singles titles and earned over $20 million/became Mrs Andre Agassi October 22, 2001

1954 [48] Jim Belushi, Chicago IL, TV sitcom actor (“According to Jim”)/movie actor (“K-9″. “Wag the Dog”)/late John Belushi’s brother

1963 [39] Helen Hunt, LA CA, film actress (“What Women Want”, “Cast Away”, Oscar-“As Good As It Gets”)

1964 [38] Courteney Cox Arquette, Birmingham AL, rich TV actress (Monica Geller-“Friends”)/movie actress (“Scream I-III”)  NOTE: In an attempt to get pregnant, she & hubby David Arquette have reportedly recently joined the wacky ‘Energetic Matrix Church of Consciousness’ (EMC2) which believes in ‘unblocking and balancing energy in the body’

1966 [36] Michael Britt, Fort Worth TX, country singer (Lonestar-“Not a Day Goes By”, “I’m Already There”)

1969 [33] Ice Cube (O’Shea Jackson), LA CA, movie actor (“All About the Benjamins“, “Three Kings”, “Boyz in the Hood”)/sometime rap artist

1970 [32] Leah Remini, Brooklyn NY, TV actress (Carrie Heffernan-“The King of Queens” since 1998)  NOTE: She auditioned for the role of ‘Monica’ on “Friends” but lost to Courteney Cox

1972 [30] Andy Pettitte, Baton Rouge LA, MLB lefty pitcher (‘96, ‘98, ‘99, 2000 World Series-NY Yankees)
TODAY is “International Family History Day”, a day to ‘share the folklore, legends and myths of your own particular family tree’ (aka ‘Cure Your Insomnia Day’).

TODAY is “Flag Day”, commemorating John Adams’ 1777 recommendation to Congress that the ‘Stars and Stripes’ be adopted as America’s flag. Unfortunately, Pennsylvania is the only state to celebrate June 14 as a legal holiday.
• How many stars did the original flag have? (13)
• What’s the proper way to dispose of a used US flag? (Burning)

TOMORROW is the 28th annual “Madam Lou Bunch Day” in Central City CO, honoring the ‘sporting house girls’ of olden days and including ‘The Original Bed Race’! (It’s a ‘Ho Fest’!)
PHONER: 800-542-2999

TOMORROW is “Smile Power Day”, recognizing the second-best thing you can do with your lips.

TOMORROW is “World Juggling Day”. You can create the sound of juggling with your co-host by slapping your knees quickly and throwing in lots of grunts and interjections like ‘Hey!’. Some juggling notes:
• Juggling has several specialties, including ‘ventilatores’ (knife throwers), ‘pilarii’ (ball tossers), ‘jongleurs de force’ (cannonballs), ‘salon’ (top hat, cane, billiard balls), ‘equestrian’ (standing on horseback), ‘antipodist’ (using one’s feet) and ‘icarian’ (juggling another person with the feet).
• Enrico Rastelli is known as the greatest juggler of all time. Born into an Italian circus family in 1896, he was the 1st to juggle 6 plates while continuously bouncing a ball on his forehead, and was also the first to juggle 10 balls.
• Experts say the best thing to use when learning to juggle is rolled-up socks. Graduating to beanbags doubles the difficulty.
• Ever heard the expression ‘as busy as a one-armed juggler’? Well, there is one! 22-year-old American Casey Boehmer, who performs professionally with his family.
• 14-year-old Linda Bolin of Edina MN is the female world record-holder for ‘joggling’, which is running while juggling. She can run 100 meters in 15.9 seconds while juggling 3 balls.

SUNDAY is “Fathers’ Day”, now celebrated in about 20 countries, the 3rd Sunday of June in Canada, the US and UK. An estimated $1 billion is now spent on “Father’s Day” gifts annually.
“Father’s Day” is the 4th-most-popular special day for dining out, and the 5th-largest card-giving occasion. More COLLECT phone calls are made on “Fathers Day” than on any other day of the year. Scientists don’t know how, but newborn babies are able to distinguish their daddy’s voices from those of other men. The tots usually smile and become more attentive anytime their fathers speak. (Until they reach age 13.)

1834 [168] 1st ‘sandpaper’ invented by Isaac Fischer of Springfield VT (it changed the COARSE of history!)

1841 [161] 1st ‘Canadian parliament’ convenes in Kingston ON (they vote themselves a 20% raise then adjourn for summer recess)

1923 [79] 1st ‘country music’ recording (“The Little Old Log Cabin in the Lane” by Fiddlin’ John Carson)

1951 [51] 1st ‘commercial computer’ UNIVAC 1 unveiled by US Census Bureau (at 8 ft high, 7.5 ft wide and 14.5 ft long, it dimmed lights all over Washington when in use)

1976 [26] “The Gong Show” premieres on TV, hosted by its wacky creator Chuck Barris (basically a talent show featuring really terrible acts who are voted off the stage by panelists hitting a giant gong)  NOTE: George Clooney will direct and star in “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, an upcoming movie loosely based on Chuck Barris’ memoirs, co-starring Julia Roberts and Drew Barrymore

[1 week today] 1st Day of Summer
[Sat] National Hollerin’ Contest (Spivey’s Corner NC)
Men’s Health Week
Hermit Week
Cancer In The Sun Month
Canadian Seniors Month (How old do you have to be to be a senior? Many hotel chains now offer seniors’ discounts at age 55. The local seniors’ centers here now accept members at 50!)
Scleroderma Awareness Month


You read the story line-by-line while a caller or studio guest provides the SFX as best they can. Today’s story is called “Father’s Day” –
    It’s Sunday afternoon and Dad is kicking back in his favorite recliner in front of the ball game on TV (SFX). He’s very relaxed. In fact, he’s fallen asleep (SFX). The family decides he needs to be surprised for Father’s Day so they all run into the TV room yelling (SFX)! Time to open gifts. Junior dumps one in his lap and says “It’s a 45-degree cordless drill for screwing around corners!”, then turns it on (SFX). Sissy gives Father her gift and says “It’s a vibrating self-massaging neck collar!”, then turns it on (SFX). Mother hands him a large one and says “It’s a 20-volt professional-quality 7-speed leaf blower!”, then turns it on (SFX). It’s getting a bit on the noisy side with the cordless drill (SFX), neck massager (SFX) and the leaf blower (SFX) all competing with the play-by-play of the ball game on TV (SFX). The family yells a final greeting (SFX) then runs out of the TV room and slams the door (SFX). The game continues (SFX) as the leaf blower blows (SFX), the massager massages (SFX), and the drill drills (SFX) and father stretches (SFX) and….slowly….and peacefully….falls….back….to….sleep (SFX).

“What’s the weirdest sports team nickname you’ve heard of?” (West Appleton High School in Wisconsin has the ‘Terrors’. Yuma High in Arizona is the ‘home of the Criminals’. Kids’ soccer teams are often hilariously named.)

Two of the following are actual tabloid headlines, one a total fake. But which?
GAME #1 –
• “Believe It or Not, Condoms for Dogs!”
• “Collie Bit Man’s Testicles Off — Two Weeks After He Had the Dog Neutered!”
• “Dog Refuses to Be Man’s Best Friend Due to His Artificial Leg!” [FAKE]

GAME #2 –
• “Pig Gets Girl’s Arm, Cleans Own Sty!” [FAKE]
• “Girl Gets Pig’s Arm, Becomes Bowling Champ!”
• “Werewolf Sues Boss for Time Off During Full Moon!”

GAME #3 –
• “Wife Used Hubby’s Toothbrush — To Clean the Commode!”      
• “Man Has Back Hair Grafted to His Head!” [FAKE]
• “Beware, Squirrel Brains Can Kill You!”      

Today’s Question: While staying overnight at their girlfriends’ place, 13% of guys said, yeah they might do this.
Answer to Give Out Monday: Read her diary.

What’s right isn’t always popular and what’s popular isn’t always right, but if you own the rights to something that’s popular you can make a lot of money.


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