Wednesday, June 12, 2002        Edition: #2317
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

TONIGHT 2-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks receives the American Film Institute’s 30th “Life Achievement Award”, which will be presented by his Oscar-winning pal Steven Spielberg at the new Kodak Theater in Hollywood . . . TODAY a $35,000 dress worn by actress Kate Winslet as she contemplated jumping overboard in the movie “Titanic” will go up for bids as part of an auction of celebrity memorabilia in California . . . Simon Fuller, the man behind some of the cheesiest-ever music groups (ie: Spice Girls, S Club 7) is planning a TV special showcasing the ‘world’s biggest talent’ to be broadcast simultaneously around-the-world . . . Word is Liza Minnelli’s new hubby David Gest has convinced her to confront the demons of her past by writing an autobiography (besides, he could use some more cash) . . . Madonna is so fed up with small plane’s buzzing her English country estate in Dorset, she’s considering spending a million bucks to BUY the local airport . . . Britney Spears is reportedly buying a Hollywood hovel that formerly belonged to Rolling Stone Keith Richards because she’s ‘freaked out’ her neighbors can see into her present house . . . And buzz is Pam Anderson has broken off her engagement to Kid Rock after he got drunk and called her a bad mother in front of celeb friends, leading to a brutal 2-day fight (in some circles, ‘bad mother’ is a compliment).

• ‘Consumer Vigilantes’ – A nickname in the retailing world for today’s wary shoppers who are increasingly inclined to make complaints, according to two new reports. The research shows people are now more willing to make a nuisance of themselves if a restaurant meal is not up to scratch and feel confident taking a product back to a store.
• ‘Frohawk’ – A mohawk hairdo composed of nappy, curly hair. (“Dude, you need to clip off that frohawk. It makes you look like Jack Osbourne.”)
• ‘C-Walk’ — A tiptoe dance that’s become popular which some say resembles ‘hopscotch on crack’. Some schools in LA have banned it because of its origins with the Crips street gang.
• ‘Technodunce’ — One lacking in any technical knowledge. (“Don’t ask me how to reconnect your modem, I’m a complete technodunce.”)

• The ‘BusterClub’ looks and feels like a real golf club, but is actually a plastic replica specifically made for breaking. It’s touted as a fun gag to pull on golfing buddies or a great stress reliever for the frustrated duffer. Only trouble is – it only works twice. The club head is reusable, but you have to buy new shafts to bust after you break the 2 that are supplied.
• Duluth Trading has come up with the ‘Longtail T’, a shirt made with the back 3 inches longer than the front. What for? To cover up so-called ‘plumber’s butt’. (The perfect gift for “Father’s Day” — if dad’s a ‘crack’ addict.)
• The makers of the ‘Bog Monster’ claim the old-fashioned whoopie cushion is for wimps. This ultimate fart gag attaches to the inside of the toilet and packs enough power to cause cardiac arrest in the elderly or those with a weak disposition. The so-called ‘ultimate surprise’ sells for about $18.

There’s a new taxi service in Warsaw, Poland that offers free rides to anyone willing to bring along partner and have sex in back seat! The brainchild of a Swedish art student, the glaring pink cab has discreet dark-tinted windows. (And a suspicious-looking lens hanging from the rearview mirror.)

A new skin patch appears to boost the sex drive of women! It was conceived as a more effective way to treat women going through menopause than the hormone replacement pills already on the market. Research shows the testosterone and androgen supplements can definitely boost women’s sex drive but may also have side effects — like hair growth. (Meaning SHE may be in the mood, but HE won’t be.)

Pay for this guy’s wife’s boob job on eBay and you get to cop a feel! Quote: “If you are the kind patron of my wife’s breast lift, you will get to spend a little time with them once they are done. A once in a lifetime opportunity to make yourself and a total stranger happy. I will also supply you with a photo of finished product for you to keep. Cost of surgery must be met in order to qualify.” So far the bid is only at $600.

Waving a sign reading “For Christ’s Sake: Go Vegetarian” Harvard Divinity School student Jeremiah C Bird, reenacting the role of Jesus, is bringing a vegetarian message to attendees at THIS WEEK’S Southern Baptist Convention in St Louis MO. Bird is just one of what’s said to be a growing ‘JesusVeg’ movement. (Hey, what about those loaves and FISHES, and what was served at the last supper – salad?)

• A Tokyo adult club has created rooms that look like subway cars in which male customers can grope female ‘passengers’ while pretending to be commuters. (Kinky!)
• A Fort Lauderdale FL high schooler was charging fellow students 5 bucks to hack into Western High School computers and change their grades. He was caught when a teacher noticed a test mark had been upgraded from zero — to 100. (Duh!)
• An intoxicated 55-year-old Canaseraga NY man ran his car into a ditch, then climbed back to the highway, where he was accidentally hit by another car, driven by his intoxicated 43-year-old wife. (Justice!)

An organization called Transparency International has put together ‘The Bribe Payers Index’, a
ranking of countries based on the on their reluctance to bribe senior public officials. It ranges from ‘10′ representing hardly any bribery to ‘0′ representing high levels of cash crossing palms. A sampling of the results —
Sweden . . . . 8.3
Canada/Australia . . . . 8.1
Britain . . . . 7.2
USA/Germany . . . . 6.2
Japan . . . . 5.1
Malaysia . . . . 3.9
South Korea . . . . 3.4
China (including Hong Kong) . . . . 3.1
Conclusion – the way to win the World Cup is with a suitcase full of cash!
Source: “The Futurist”


1924 [78] George Bush, Milton MA, 41st US President (1989-93)/Dubya’s dad

1941 [61] Marv Albert (Marv Philip Aufrichtig), Brooklyn NY, NBC-TV’s NBA play-by-play sportscaster who’s been known to have some strange sexual proclivities

1951 [51] Brad Delp, Boston MA, classic rock guitarist/singer (Boston-“More Than a Feeling”, “Long Time”, “Don’t Look Back”)

1959 [43] Scott Thompson, North Bay ON, TV actor/comedian (“The Kids in the Hall”)

TONIGHT CITY-TV Toronto, CKVU Vancouver and other Canadian independent stations air the “2002 World Beer Games”, featuring 16 teams of young men and women from around-the-world competing for the title of ‘World’s Best Beer Nation’ in events like the beer chug, the pint curl, the boat race, etc (basically, it’s a big ad for Labatt’s and Hooters Canada – but fun!). They’re looking for more beer games for the 2003 event, so what’s the best beer game you ever played – and remembered?

TODAY is “Hooray For Year-Round School Day”, promoting the benefits of a year-round school calendar. (An idea likely started by some really worn out parents.)

1667 [335] 1st successful ‘blood transfusion’ as Jean-Baptiste Denys, personal physician to France’s King Louis XIV, pumps blood from a sheep into a 15-year-old-boy — and he doesn’t die! (although it was clearly a disappointment if you were rooting for the sheep)

1792 [210] George Vancouver discovers site of Vancouver BC (what a coincidence – same name!)

1839 [163] According to (fictitious) legend, Abner Doubleday creates baseball in Cooperstown NY

1897 [105] ‘Swiss Army Knife’ is 1st patented (Switzerland hasn’t won a war since)

1939 [63] ‘Baseball Hall of Fame’ formally dedicated in Cooperstown NY

1997 [05] 1st baseball ‘interleague play’, ending 126-year tradition of separating the major leagues until the World Series

[Thurs-Sun] Nashville Country Music Fan Fair
[Thurs] Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day
[Fri] Family History Day
[Fri] American Flag Day
[Sat] World Juggling Day
[Sun] Fathers Day
[Sun] MuchMusic Video Awards
Meet a Mate Week
Graffiti Week
Recycling Month


• There’s an 11th province named Gertie.
• Cabinet ministers get unlimited use of the RCMP Musical Ride to impress the cool people who ditched them in high school.
• Every Wednesday in the Senate is ‘Free Buffalo Wings Day’.
• There’s actually no such place as Flin Flon.
• Government research confirms that you don’t always have time for Tim Horton’s, after all.
• They kinda made that whole metric thing up for a laugh.
• Baby seals taste a lot like chicken — and with only half the fat!
• Locked in the Parliament bell tower since 1993 — the real Joe Clark!

• Whyzit you never hear of anyone being ‘combobulated’?
• Whyzit gas BBQs always seem to run out of propane when you have company over?
• Whyzit every time you make ends meet, they move the ends?
• Whyzit people that own ‘personal organizers’ are usually the people who have no life to organize?
• Whyzit atheists can’t get insurance for ‘acts of God’?
• Whyzit wives always take their half of the bed out of the middle?
• Whyzit the serving-spoon left sticking in the bowl gets ‘dirty’ while the food that’s in it doesn’t?
• Whyzit no one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning?
• Whyzit R Kelly gets arrested for underage sex, but Catholic priests are just transferred to a different parish?

BS Q & A:
Q: What were the police in Atlantic City, New Jersey, cracking down on when they arrested 42 men on the beach in 1935?
A: Topless swimsuits on men.
Source: “Totally Trivial”

If today is your birthday –
This is not the time to reupholster your furniture or show up at work wrapped in cellophane, but it is an excellent week to apply a fresh coat of paint to small articles of furniture, house pets, and children. Close friends may appear to be acting irrationally — they’re just sober. Avoid low-fat cheeses, non-dairy creamers, and decaffeinated burritos. And get that sludge out from under your toenails (were you waiting for it to crawl away?). Buy socks.

Q: You broke your lightbulb and it’s still in the socket. Should you —
a) Bang your head against a wall?
b) Go to a singles bar and pick up an electrician?
c) Find a large potato?
A: Handy people recommend cutting a potato in half, jamming it onto the broken light bulb, and unscrewing it. Warning: failure to turn off the power may fry your potato, among other things.
Q: You suffer from ergasiophobia. What do you have an abnormal fear of?
a) Mexican food.
b) Service stations.
c) Work.
A: You’re afraid of any kind of work.

Today’s Question: 6% of males say this is the most important asset they look for in a female.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: A nice car.

Even if they manage, at the last minute, to keep the asteroid from hitting the Earth, we’re all going to need clean underwear.


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