Tuesday, June 11, 2002        Edition: #2316
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY a new compilation “Osbourne Family Album” by ‘performers the Osbournes like’ is being released, featuring Ozzy’s daughter Kelly singing Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach”, Eric Clapton doing “Wonderful Tonight” and – truly weird –  ‘50s crooner Pat Boone on the Ozzy classic “Crazy Train” (we’re starting to get really sick of these people!) . . . TODAY the Tragically Hip begin an international marketing effort (something they’ve avoided up to now) with the release of the “In Violet Light” CD on an independent US label, packaged with a free membership in the newly established fan organization ‘The Hip Club’ (or ‘THC’) which has its own Website (http://thehipclub.com goes active at 9 am EDT this morning) . . . A celebrity edition of the British version of reality show “Survivor” is being planned (should there be one here and who should be on it?) . . . Limp Bizkit, Puddle Of Mudd and Staind are featured on the new WWE (formerly WWF) compilation album . . . THIS MONTH Mary Hart is celebrating her 20th year as co-host of TV’s long-running syndicated show biz magazine “Entertainment Tonight” (still has million-dollar legs) . . . Aussie supertarts Kylie Minogue and Nicole Kidman are planning to record a duet to be released as a single by the end of the year . . . And there’s a hit kids’ TV show in Southeast Asia that features a man dressed up like an elderly woman and singing songs about fruit (or as Elton John likes to call it, Tuesday).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Josh Hartnett stars in Ridley Scott’s Somali war drama “Black Hawk Down”, which won Academy Awards for ‘Best Sound’ and ‘Best Editing’ (in a true show of tastelessness, video game maker NovaLogic is releasing “Calabasas”, a GAME based on the botched 1993 raid in Somalia) . . . Halle Berry won a ‘Best Actress’ Oscar for her role as the wife of an executed prisoner (Sean Combs) who falls in love with a racist prison guard (Billy Bob Thornton) in the drama “Monster’s Ball” . . . Meg Ryan & Hugh Jackman in the romantic comedy “Kate & Leopold”, the story of an ad exec whose life changes radically when she  falls in love with a man from another century . . . And “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” fans will be thrilled the entire 2nd season is now out on both DVD and VHS.

GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• Two Swedish inventors have come up with what they think is the bathroom tissue of the future. Their machine built into a bathroom wall prints out news, weather and sports on toilet paper for handy reading. When you’re finished reading it, you use it and flush it. (Yeah, there’s progress – using a newspaper for butt wad! What next, catalogues?)
• In a few extra minutes for a few extra bucks, Victoria’s Secret will now PERSONALIZE your bra with glitter lettering made with Swarovski crystals, whatever those may be. Letters cost a buck each, astrology signs $3. ([Your co-host’s] girlfriend is so dumb, she had hers lettered ‘Left’ and ‘Right’.)
• They’re calling them Christian kitsch – the new ‘Jesus Inspirational Sports Statues’ which feature a white-robed JC in action poses from a dozen different sports (swinging a golf club, slapping a hockey puck, shooting a jump shot, skiing downhill, etc). Collect the whole set — just $19.95 each!
NET: http://www.catholicshopper.com

PET NAMES:
Dallas TX veterinarian Dr Jim Humphries says pet owners now view their pets as part of the family and that’s the reason it’s become popular to give them HUMAN names. Top male and female pet names for 2002 include ‘Max’ and ‘Molly’, with ‘Buddy and ‘Maggie’ a close second, and ‘Jake’ and ‘Daisy’ third. (When I was a kid pets were things — ‘Spot’, ‘Spike’, ‘Puff’….‘Stinky’.)

THEY’RE LIKE, UM, USEFUL, EH?
Researchers Herbert Clark of Stanford University and Jean Fox Tree of the University of California at Santa Cruz have spent years listening to recordings of spontaneous conversations to analyze the role of ‘ums’ and ‘uhs’ in our language.  They’ve concluded these so-called ‘disfluencies’ are more than just the result of clumsy speakers having trouble expressing themselves. They call these words ‘conversation managers’, little traffic signs that give the listener notice the speaker isn’t yet finished a thought. (Right, whatever. We call them ‘justifiable reason to throw a brick at your radio’.)

DOING THE WAVE:
An Australian company is considering several sites along the USA’s New England coastline for the first power plant to generate electricity from — ocean waves. The Energetech Australia plant could generate enough power to light 800 to 1,200 homes by using ocean swells to power a turbine. Supporters of the new technology say it’s non-polluting and theoretically unlimited, but they acknowledge that some may find the tennis court-size concrete structure to be an eyesore. (Solution – paint some lines, put up a net.)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A Kissimmee FL high school teacher has been arrested for running an Internet ‘escort service’ where she offered her services under the name of ‘Sweet Kelly’. 29-year-old Lisa Darnell has been charged with prostitution. Oh, and what did she teach you might ask? Um, special education. (Really special.)
• British police are hunting for an unusual suspect in the burglary of two London homes — a monkey! The hairy black chimpanzee has stolen various items including a mobile phone and a stereo. Police think it might have been trained to steal. (We thought all the trained moneys were in broadcasting.)
• A Hong Kong woman has lost her lawsuit against a hair salon which she claimed made her look like Osama Bin Laden when she asked for a hairstyle like Julia Roberts. (Y’know, if you drew a beard on Julia and gave her a turban, the resemblance….oh, never mind.)
• The federal election campaign in the Czech Republic is getting wild! The Christian Democrat party was handing out free shots of plum brandy during a weekend election rally so the Communist party came up with a popular competing strategy – topless women handing out pamphlets! (Apparently their platform has two main points.)
• 18-year-old British teen Lee Becks paid $130 for a tattoo on his upper arm that he thought said ‘Love, Honor and Obey’ in Mandarin Chinese. Unfortunately, after a waitress in a Chinese restaurant started laughing at him, he found out the real meaning of the characters — ‘At the end of the day, this is an ugly boy’. (Confucius say there’s a round-eye sucker born every minute.)
• And a German man is being charged with assault using — his underwear. After being caught on a train without a ticket, he was taken to the police station at Hanau where he suddenly ripped off his clothes and repeatedly hit an officer in the face with his underpants.

THE BULL SHEET 06.11.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [69] Gene Wilder (Jerome Silberman), Milwaukee WI, movie actor (“The Producers” [Mel Brooks’ original 1968 film that spawned the hit Broadway show], “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”)/Gilda Radner’s widower

1949 [53] Frank Beard, Frankston TX, classic rock drummer who is ironically the only member of the band WITHOUT a beard  (ZZ Top-“Tush”, “Legs”)  NOTE: In an odd pairing, they’ve recently shared the stage with country duo Brooks & Dunn

1978 [24] Joshua Jackson, Vancouver BC, TV actor (Pacey Witter-“Dawson’s Creek” since 1998)/movie actor (“Cruel Intentions”, “Scream 2″)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY 59-year-old Paul McCartney weds 34-year-old Heather Mills in the church at the 17th-century Castle Leslie estate in the tiny Irish town of Glaslough, County Monaghan. Ringo Starr will reportedly read a moving poem featuring some of the lyrics from the Beatles classic “All You Need is Love”. Other guests include Sting, Elton John and Eric Clapton. Word is Paul & Heather turned down a $2-million deal to sell the rights to their wedding photos. Is this a sign of class or the fact that they just don’t need the cash?
PHONER: 011-353-47-88109 (Castle Leslie)
NET: http://www.castle-leslie.ie

TODAY they’ll break ground on the long-awaited “Muhammad Ali Center” in Louisville, Kentucky, an interactive gallery and exhibition hall honoring the boxing career and humanitarianism of the legendary champ.
PHONER: 502-584-9254
NET: http://www.alicenter.org

TODAY is the annual “Hug Holiday”, begun by some eternal optimist somewhere who thinks most of the world’s troubles can be solved with a tight clinch. C’mon now, don’t be shy — group hug everybody!

TODAY is “King Kamehameha Day”, honoring Hawaii’s first king who unified the Hawaiian Islands in 1810. Not very significant, but it sure is fun saying ‘Kamehameha’!

TODAY is “National Impressionists Day”. Now there’s an excuse for an impromptu contest!

TOMORROW is “Honor Thy Veterinarian Day”, honoring all vets and their assistants who provide our pets with care. Line up a local vet on the phone and play ‘Stump the Vet’, where listeners ask insipid pet questions. (Which you pre-record using dummy calls from people in the office.)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2001 NBC-TV reality show “Fear Factor” debuts, offering $50,000 cash prize to contestants who dare to confront their worst fears (eating bison testicles, walking tightropes, being dragged along the ground by horses, leaping across moving semi-trucks, letting snakes crawl all over them, etc)

2001 Timothy McVeigh is executed for his role in the Oklahoma City bombing

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1983 [19] 1st PC leader from Québec since Confederation (the beloved Brian Mulroney)

1990 [12] 1st ELECTED Canadian Senator (Alberta Reformer Stan Waters sidles up to the trough)

1972 [30] Famous X-rated movie “Deep Throat” opens, starring Linda Lovelace (NYC’s Mature World Theater)

1982 [20] Steven Spielberg’s “ET” opens

1993 [09] Steven Spielberg’s “Jurassic Park” opens

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1994 [08] World’s largest popcorn container unveiled in Jacksonville FL that’s 8 feet high and holds 6,620 cubic feet of popcorn (now available at AMC Theaters for $892, fake butter extra)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Taco Day
[Thurs-Sun] Nashville Country Music Fan Fair
[Fri] Family History Day
[Sat] World Juggling Day
[Sun] Fathers Day
[Sun] MuchMusic Video Awards
Boating Week
Little League Baseball Week
Pest Control Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
CHEAP BUT PERSONAL FATHER’S DAY GIFTS:

• Burn a CD of songs that Dad enjoys, then leave it in the car stereo.
• Videotape friends and family telling stories about Dad.
• Restore something old — take some of Dad’s junk, and the memories attached to it, and bring it back to life.
• Drop by Dad’s place of work for lunch.
• Start a plant in a special place with his name on it.
• Prepare a scrapbook that highlights his life.
• Personal favor gift certificates — homemade coupons for ‘one free back massage’, ‘car wash’, ‘favorite dinner’, ‘one week’s use of the TV remote’, etc.

BS BASEBALL JARGON:
To understand some of the talk that goes on in MLB dugouts, you need a dictionary!
• ‘A Bill Klem’ – Anyone in baseball who is never wrong. Bill Klem was a Hall of Fame umpire who is credited with several statements in which he never admitted a bad call. For instance, “It ain’t nothin’ till I call it.”
• ‘To do a John Anderson’ — Attempting to steal a base that is already occupied. In 1904, New York Highlander John Anderson tried to steal with the bases loaded.
• ‘A Peggy Lee’ – A fastball that isn’t really so fast, based on the late singer’s hit “Is That All There Is?”.
• ‘He’s a real Little Eva’ — A player who performs well, despite a hangover. Little Eva was a young innocent in “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, not the sort of person who would drag her dissipated body onto a ballfield after a night’s partying.
• ‘To pull a Moriarity’ – A blind swing at a pitch. George Moriarity (1903-16) was widely known for swinging without actually looking at the ball.
Source: “The New Dickson Baseball Dictionary” by Paul Dickson

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
Q: The 22nd US President was born in Caldwell NJ. The 24th US President was born in the same house with the same surname, but was not a family relation of the 22nd President. How can that be?
A: It was the same man – Grover Cleveland, the only President to serve 2 non-consecutive terms (1885-1889 and 1893-1897).

BS FACT OR CRAP?
Two of the following are true, one total BS. But which one?
1. Before fame, Hugh Grant was an advertising copywriter.
2. Before fame, Elton John was a ‘tea boy’ at a music publishing company.
3. Before fame, Tom Cruise drove the hearse for a mortician. (BS)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Only 13% of “Cosmopolitan” online readers say they respect this about their boss.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Intelligence.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
An opportunist is a person who goes ahead and does what you always intended to do.

WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
Welcome back to Walo Davila @ WZNT San Juan PR and to samplers this week that include Lisa Norris @ WUMX Charlottesville VA, David Moran @ CLASSIC VRN Kirkcaldy, Scotland, Aaron Tompkins @ MAGIC 94.9 Oshawa ON, and Ace O’Connell @ KMCM Odessa TX. Remember, we add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each and every new subscriber you refer.

 


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