Thursday, June 6, 2002        Edition: #2313
Get Your Sheet Here, Hot ‘N Fresh!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Winona Ryder’s preliminary hearing in her shoplifting case is scheduled to resume in LA after the most recent postponement when a TV camera allegedly struck and injured her arm (she keeps putting this off because she knows it’s going to be more than her arm in a sling) . . . TONIGHT “Shallow Hal” star Jack Black and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s” Sarah Michelle Gellar host the “2002 MTV Movie Awards”, taped last weekend at LA’s Shrine Auditorium (winners were in MONDAY’S edition of BS) . . . How are we supposed to take “The Sum of All Fears” seriously — Minnesota and San Diego in the Super Bowl? C’mon! . . . Of the 15,000 responses to a poll by online magazine Teenmag.com fully 54% say Britney Spears is ‘So Over’, 31% think she’s ‘On Her Way Out’, and just 15% say she’s ‘As Hot As Ever’ . . . Meantime, Britney has angered PETA again, this time by using a live zebra and peacock in her new video . . . A new UCLA study says Hispanics are the most under-represented group in prime-time TV (yeah, what about Lithuanians? You hardly ever see one!) . . . And here’s a unique charity auction — fans in France are bidding on disposable cameras used by dozens of celebrities (including Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins and Michael J Fox) to take private, as-yet-undeveloped photos for the ‘Star Photos’ project – you bid on the camera to find out what’s in the surprise pics!

MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
Steven Spielberg, Tom Cruise and Gwyneth Paltrow will all make guest appearances in the upcoming “Austin Powers In Goldmember” . . . Once he finishes up the latest ‘Bond’ film “Die Another Day”, Pierce Brosnan will produce and star in the romantic comedy “Laws of Attraction”, about divorce lawyers who fall in love . . . Jennifer Lopez is jumping on the superhero bandwagon, signing to star in the comedy “Shrink” as a psychiatrist with super powers (on the couch?) . . . Guy Pearce (“Rules of Engagement”) and Viggo Mortensen (“Lord Of The Rings”) are battling it out to play Angelina Jolie’s co-star in the “Lara Croft” sequel . . . The upcoming remake of “Peter Pan” will reportedly show ‘Wendy Darling’s’ sexual awakening (I think I already rented this at the adult movie store) . . . In an upcoming USA Network movie based on the book ”Rudy! An Investigative Biography of Rudolph Giuliani”, actor James Woods will portray the former NYC mayor . . . And the makers of “Undercover Brother” will next collaborate on another comedy called “Pookie Poo”, about a man who wakes up to find out he’s the only black person in America (thereby setting back race relations another 50 years).

SILLY STUDIES:
• Scientists in Australia are investigating why kangaroos don’t….er, fluffy. It’s true! Sheep and cattle produce huge amounts of methane, but kangaroos don’t, and researchers believe it might be possible to use bacteria found in their stomachs to reduce the output of greenhouse gases by other animals. (Wish they’d ship some up here to the studio!)
• In a new study psychiatrists say that temper tantrums in young children could mean the child has a greater chance of becoming a criminal. (Or, possibly, a celebrity.)
• Veterinarians at Britain’s Cambridge University are researching whether dogs can be trained to identify prostate cancer by sniffing urine samples. It may not be so farfetched (so to speak) as there have been reports of dogs detecting their owners’ skin cancer in the past. Ironically, the only mammals apart from humans to suffer prostate cancer are dogs. (Why is it most dogs wanna sniff urine samples before you even go?)
• According to University of Arizona microbiologist Chuck Gerba, the average desk top is crawling with 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet seat. Your telephone and computer keyboard, in particular, are germ havens. (I have solved this problem by using my toilet seat as a desk top.)

HIM WANNA SPEAK WITH FORKED TONGUE:
A Bay City MI tattoo artist may have his latest ‘body art’ wish stopped by the Michigan legislature. In order to ‘express himself’ Seth Griffin wants to have his tongue split in two. In fact, he’s already tried to do the procedure himself but the two halves grew back together. Now he wants a doctor to do the splits but the state house is considering legislation that would ban the practice.

KEEP ‘EM ZIPPED:
The US National Security Agency has launched an ad campaign urging military personnel to protect national secrets during the war on terrorism. The print ads feature patriotic artwork showing military personnel at work, underscored with slogans like – ‘Information Security Begins With You!’ (Doesn’t have near the magic of ‘Loose Lips Sink Ships’.)

DID SOMEBODY SAY WOOF WOOF?
McDonald’s is now testing out a Spam-based menu item in Hawaii. According to one critic, the concoction made from Spam blended with scrambled eggs and rice smells like dog food and tastes worse. She says ‘McSpam’ is the worst idea McDonald’s has ever come up with and thinks it will be doomed as soon as people see the ‘disgusting pink jelly’ on their plate. (On the up side, it gives you a nice, glossy coat and a wet nose!)

HOT SEX:
Police in Thailand have arrested a man for setting fire to cars. His defense? He says he does it because the flashing lights and sound of sirens from police and fire vehicles cause him to orgasm. He’s already served 2 years in jail on a similar charge, after which he got a job as — a volunteer firefighter. Doctors say he needs help. (Uh, no kidding.)

STRANGE-BUT-REAL ORGANIZATIONS:
These are actual groups, but probably best left OFF your résumé –
• The International Association of Sand Castle Builders
• National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Mushrooms
• Cookie Cutter Collectors Club
• International Correspondence Of Corkscrew Addicts
• The Institute of Totally Useless Skills

THE BULL SHEET 06.06.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [67] Dalai Lama (Gejong Tenzin Gyatsho), TIBET, 14th spiritual leader of Lamaistic Buddhists, since 1940/1989 Nobel Peace Prize

1936 [66] Levi Stubbs (Stubbles), Detroit MI, Motown oldies singer (Four Tops-“I Can’t Help Myself”)

1955 [47] Sandra Bernhard, Flint MI, comedian/actress (“Zoolander”)/TV host (“The Sandra Bernhard Experience”)

1973 [29] Lisa Brokop, Surrey BC, country singer (“I’d Like to See You Try”, “Undeniable”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Couple Appreciation Day”. Which celebrity couple is cutest – Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston? Tim McGraw & Faith Hill? Calista Flockhart & Harrison Ford? Freddie Prinze Jr & Sarah Michelle Gellar? Pam Anderson?

TODAY through Sunday is the 24th annual “Superman Celebration” in the town of Metropolis, Illinois, home of the ‘Supermuseum’ and a local newspaper actually called “The Daily Planet”. Noel Neill, who played ‘Lois Lane’ in “The Adventures of Superman”, is this year’s honored guest. Interesting that the town of Metropolis was founded way back in 1839 but didn’t link itself to the idea of being the ‘Hometown of Superman’ until 1972.
PHONER: 800-949-5740 (Metropolis Area Chamber of Commerce)
NET: http://www.supermancollectors.com/celebration.html

THIS WEEK is “Headache Awareness Week”. Studies show 93% of us suffer from headaches at one time or another. Diseases like tumors and meningitis cause only 10%, the rest are ‘primary headaches’ not caused by another illness. So what’s the best way to cure a headache? The ancient Egyptians used herbal remedies made from aloe vera or myrrh. The Incas used to treat headaches by bleeding themselves between the eyebrows. Other ancient remedies included draping reptile skins over the head, wearing the head of a dead vulture around the neck, rubbing the forehead with a live toad, and drinking tonics made of cow manure, powdered flies and beaver sex organs. We’re more in favor of the method used by Paul Newman in the movie “The Sting” — stick your entire head into a sinkful of chipped ice.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1844 [158] 1st ‘YMCA’ founded by George Williams in London ENG (“It’s fun to play at the . . .”)

1882 [120] 1st ‘electric iron’ (later that day, 1st white shirt with a big brown splotch on it)

1933 [69] 1st ‘drive-in theater’ opens, in Camden NJ (25¢ per person or $1 a car to see “Wife Beware”/1st drive-in theatre in Canada opens in Hamilton ON in 1946)

1978 [24] 1st edition of “20/20″ news magazine on ABC-TV (1st show is such a disaster, co-hosts Harold Hayes and Australian Robert Hughes are fired and replaced by Hugh Downs)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Chocolate Ice Cream Day
[Sat] Tyson/Lewis heavyweight boxing match (Memphis TN)
[Sat-Sun] Take a Kid Fishing Weekend
[Sun] Multi-Cultural American Child Awareness Day
[Sun] Children’s Sunday
[June 16] Fathers Day
Fishing Week
Pest Control Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
THE BS OFFICE PRAYER:

Let us all bow our heads and recite together –
“Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
To change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom
To hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today,
As they may be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.”
Amen.

BS ‘FIND THE FAKE’:
Two of the following are actual tabloid headlines. One is fake, but which?
GAME #1 –
• “Medical students expelled for throwing human brains at each other!”
• “Aliens prefer their humans barbecued!” [FAKE]
• “Teens sniffing human ashes to get high!”

GAME #2 –
• “Gal with 36-inch-long fingernails kills herself — while picking her nose!”
• “It’s official — breaking wind can kill!”
• “Man explodes while trying to suppress belch!” [FAKE]

GAME #3 –
• “Siamese twins come to blows over father’s will!” [FAKE]
• “Gerbil juggler brings party kids to tears!”
• “Scientists to clone neanderthal man from 30,000-year-old doo-doo!”

BS PHONE STARTER:
“Isn’t the time long overdue for the Catholic church to take drastic steps to clean up its act?” (This week a church panel recommended any priest who sexually abuses a child in the future should be defrocked. But it also suggested that priests who molested ONE TIME IN THE PAST could continue in the ministry.)

BS ‘QUICK-PICK TRIVIA’:
Q: What is ‘silviculture’?
a) A fungus commonly found in damp areas likes sinks and bathtubs.
b) The planting of trees for the preservation of forests.
c) The bacteria used to make yogurt.
A: Forestry. The Latin word ‘silva’ means ‘forest’.

BS WEB GOODIES:
• You can create lyrics for a new country song with a simple click of the mouse using the Internet ‘Country Song Machine’.
NET: http://www.outofservice.com/country
• Anoint yourself with an official-sounding title with Flywheel Aerospace’s ‘Random Title Generator’. I became ‘Tsar of Sticking Your Head and Arms Out the Window, The Bull’.
NET: http://title.flywheel.org
• You can determine which “Star Wars” character most matches your personality at the Website ‘Find Your Star Wars Twin’. Maybe you’re like ‘Yoda’ – small, ugly and wise, with a faint smell of weewee.
NET: http://www.outofservice.com/starwars

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average woman spends 25.7 minutes doing this, only on days that she does this, of course.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Sitting in the bath.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The word ‘aerobics’ came about when gym instructors got together and said: “If we’re going to charge 15 bucks an hour, we can’t call it ‘jumping up and down’.”

 


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