Tuesday, June 4, 2002        Edition: #2311
I’m very deceptive. I’m even slower than I sound.

Word has leaked that Paul McCartney threw fiancée Heather Mills’ $25,000 diamond and sapphire engagement ring out a window at Miami’s Turnberry Isle Resort & Club after a furious argument LAST MONTH, then later asked hotel security to search for it when he calmed down (latest rumor is they’ll wed this THURSDAY) . . . The upcoming Jack Nicholson/Adam Sandler comedy “Anger Management” will feature a cameo from infamously fiery NCAA basketball coach Bobby Knight . . . When Mike Tyson arrived in Memphis TN for this SATURDAY’S heavyweight fight vs Lennox Lewis he encountered gay rights activists shouting ‘Stop Homophobia!’, so the big guy picked one out and — hugged him (hey, all those months he served in prison musta been lonely) . . . French rapper Joey Starr has been fined over $9,000 for hitting his pet Barbary ape while on a TV show (first guy fined for spanking the monkey) . . . Enrique Iglesias has admitted in a magazine interview that he’s lonely and wishes the rumors about his love affair with Anna Kournikova were true (yeah right, like this guy ain’t gettin’ any) . . . TOMORROW Marvel Comics is launching a new series called “The Brotherhood”, about NYC’s ‘superheroes’ — the NYPD, FDNY & EMS (oh please, give it a rest!).

Nothing new this week but a few freshly-minted DVD versions of some old chestnuts, including the 1989 Weird Al Yankovic comedy “UHF”, the 1982 Julie Andrews cross-dressing musical comedy “Victor/Victoria”, the 1965 musical comedy “The Great Race” starring Jack Lemon & Tony Curtis, and the 1961 Paul Newman pool hall drama “The Hustler”.

The European Parliament has voted to ban the sending of unsolicited commercial e-mail or spam. The new law should be in place some time next year and will mean that people would have to ask to receive commercial e-mail. However, sceptics point out that the new legislation affects only European-registered companies and will have little effect on the amount of spam people get because much of it originates outside the EU. (Let’s have a worldwide agreement! Get the UN to do something useful for a change!)

• A new Ipsos-Reid poll shows Jean Chrétien’s popularity is now at its lowest level in the past 4 years, with 68% of Canadians saying the PM should step aside before the next election.
• In a new Léger Marketing survey, 55% of Canadian respondents think 82-year-old Pope John Paul II is too old to keep his position and should retire. Surprisingly, even more Catholics (60%) agree it’s time he hung up the miter.

Testicular cancer is the most common cancer in men under 40, particularly among 20 to 35-year-olds, so scientists at Harvard University have developed ‘replacement testicles’ that could help men who lose a jewel or two. The substitutes are grown in a lab from cartilage cells taken from the ear, then built it into a silicone version and injected with testosterone. The fill-ins can be ‘re-loaded’ when the hormone runs out, but they do not produce sperm. (They were originally made from expensive glass, but marketing studies showed that men just weren’t interested in crystal balls.)

Highlights from a new poll of employees about sick days —
• 56% admit they’ve taken time off due to a hangover. (“I can’t come in, I’ve got the 26-ounce flu.”)
• 52% of those under 30 say they’ve called in sick so they could stay in bed with their partner. 24% of over-50s have done the same thing. (“I can’t come in, something’s come up.”)
• 25% have invented a death in the family to get time off. (“I can’t come in, my grandmother died….again.”)
So what’s your lamest excuse for not going to work? How about –
• I couldn’t call to tell you I wouldn’t be coming in because I had to wait for the phone repair guy to show up.
• I had to go to the hospital. They thought I had appendicitis but it just turned out to be gas.
• I don’t think the car accident was really the company’s fault but I wanted to try and sleep the headache off before going to see my lawyer.
• I had a horrible case of shingles and even the thought of putting on clothes nearly drove me insane.
• The jury I was on was sequestered and we weren’t allowed to leave or contact the outside world.
• I got amnesia 3 days ago when I got hit in the head by a ball. It wasn’t until this morning that I suddenly remembered who I was. Some things are still fuzzy.
• The dog ate my car keys. Now we’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

• You have a better chance of getting a single-student dorm room at Oberlin College in Ohio this fall if you list your sex on the registration form as ‘transgendered’. For some reason, the college administration honchos have decided those who’ve moved from she to he or vice versa get first dibs. (Guys, would you wear a dress to get a private room?)
PHONER: 440-775-8121 (Ryan Forsythe, Dormitory Director)
• A Greek dentist has been sentenced to 4 years in prison for causing bodily harm to 7 patients by using various contraptions, including oversized screws taken from television sets for dental implants. (The good news is some patients are getting great reception and no longer need a dish!)
• Limits have been put on year-end gifts for teachers at schools in wealthy areas of Seattle, Washington. Outlandish past gifts have included computers, personal digital assistants, even vacations. The new policy – letters of appreciation only which are passed on to the school board. (Whatever happened to the ol’ apple – slightly polished?)
• A man awaiting trial on burglary charges in Hillsboro, Missouri attempted to escape by dropping his pants, running at a bulletproof window, and unsuccessfully trying to shatter it with — his bare butt. 21-year-old moron Garrette Bellew is now also charged with 2nd-degree property damage. (The guard on the other side got a close-up view of pressed ham.)


1971 [31] Noah Wyle, Hollywood CA, TV actor (Dr John Carter-“ER”)/movie actor (“Enough”)

1975 [27] Angelina Jolie, LA CA, flaky film actress (“Tomb Raider”, “Gone in 60 Seconds”, Oscar-“Girl, Interrupted”)/daughter of Academy Award-winning actor Jon Voight/Mrs Billy Bob Thornton

YESTERDAY British scientists in Antarctica staged the “World’s Coolest Street Party” as part of the “Queen’s Golden Jubilee”. Some 20 scientists and support staff at the British Antarctic Survey’s Rothera Research Station had an outdoor champagne feast in temperatures of -20 Celsius (-4 F).

TODAY is “Old Maid’s Day”, a truly out-dated observance initiated back in 1948 for unmarried women over age 35. Nowadays 35 is when a woman begins thinking about having kids (and when a man begins thinking about DATING them).

1070 [932] 1st ‘Roquefort cheese’ made from ewes’ milk and ripened in a cave (the only way to get that distinctive damp goat-hair flavor)

1800 [202] 1st US President to occupy White House moves in (John Adams)

1838 [164] 1st ‘baseball game’ is played in Beachville ON, according to “Sporting Life” magazine (contrary to that Abner Doubleday fable Americans buy into)

1937 [65] 1st ‘shopping cart’, invented by Oklahoma’s Sylvian Goldman (next day, 27 of them are found abandoned behind his apartment building)

1988 [14] World record for ‘Hackey-Sack’ (foot bag) set at 48,825 consecutive kicks

[Wed] Attitude Day
[Thurs] Couple Appreciation Day
[Fri] Donut Day
[Sat] Name Your Poison Day
[Sat-Sun] Take a Kid Fishing Weekend
International Volunteers Week
Fireworks Safety Month
Gay & Lesbian Pride Month
American Rivers Month
Sports America Month


• Whyzit insurance seems to cover everything except what actually happens?
• Whyzit even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
• Whyzit we think the traffic light will change if we talk to it?
• Whyzit the weaker our arguments are, the stronger the words we have to use?
• Whyzit a tire gauge lets out half the air when you’re trying to get a reading?
• Whyzit no matter what color the soap is, the suds are always white?
• Whyzit called ‘midair’? Is there ‘top air’ and ‘bottom air’?
• Whyzit when you park under the telephone wires, birds crap on your car but you never see any on the street?

ARIES – Your manager will be a twit today. That’s OK, though — that’s what she’s paid for.
TAURUS – People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. It’s a good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
GEMINI – It’s a good day to hold hands. If you don’t currently have a partner, you can probably find a fake ‘severed hand’ at a local magic supplies store.
CANCER – Remember today that two wrongs don’t make a right. Try three.
LEO — Today you will be seized by inspiration and will wax poetic….assuming that ‘poetic’ is the nickname of your car.
VIRGO — Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash and no leash at all? You will discover the answer to that at work this week when you get ‘the yank’.
LIBRA — Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut, at least not if you value your friendships and your sanity.
SCORPIO — Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the world’s biggest ball of string and will start collecting odd bits at every opportunity. Eventually you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball.
SAGITTARIUS – You will find yourself in a huge handbasket and before the end of the day it will be getting much warmer than you like.
CAPRICORN — This is a good day to avoid pickled herring and yodeling. Particularly together.
AQUARIUS — It’s a good day to snitch cookies when nobody’s looking.
PISCES – This is not a good day to start a new romance, particularly not a new romance based on a classified ad….in the back of “Mad” magazine.

Q: What happens if you take that tag off your mattress that reads ‘Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law’?
A: Absolutely squat. The tag is there to let you know what materials went into the mattress. It’s against the law for a retailer to remove the tag but not a consumer. To avoid confusion, many of the tags now read ‘Not to be Removed, Except by the Consumer’.

Q: How come laundry that’s dried outdoors smells so darn good?
A: It’s more than just the ‘fresh air’. It’s a process called ‘photolysis’ whereby sunlight breaks down compounds that cause unwanted odors, such as perspiration and body oils.

Q: Why are the buttons on men’s and women’s clothes on opposite sides?
A: Women’s buttons were first put on the opposite side so maids could dress them. Buttons were originally expensive and only wealthy women had them. Since a maid faced the woman she was dressing, having the buttons on the left of the garment placed them on the maid’s right.

Anastasia, the boss at Anastasia Salon in Beverly Hills, is the ‘eyebrow plucker to the stars’ with a forever-full schedule of VIP’s waiting to be tweezed — including men. Brows are not only shaped, but waxed, plucked, dyed, and sometimes tattooed. So what’s all this cost? And what big names have an appointment this week?
PHONER: 310-273-3155

Burn an exclusive CD available only from your show called ‘Apartment Revenge’, the perfect antidote to an obnoxious neighbor. Just pop it in, crank it up and leave! It should feature loud arguments, barking dogs, breaking glass, noisy sex, crying babies, etc — each segment carefully spaced out to make the neighbor think the torture has finally stopped.

Today’s Question: Ten times more women than men admit to doing this while completely naked.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Cleaning the house. (Of course, ten times more women than men clean the house – period.)

The middle of the road is the best place to get run over.

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