Thursday, June 28, 2001        Edition: #2087
Reduce Brain Fat. Eat Moral Fiber!

THE MONTH’S WACKIEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “US Government Covers Up Marijuana Cancer Cure Proof!”
• “German V-2 Rocket Found on Moon!”
• ”Slow Kids Say the Smartest Things!”
• “I Cured My Alcoholism With a Kudzu Cocktail!”
• “Tinsel Town’s Blockbuster Plan to Bring Bill Clinton Back in 2004!”
• “Armageddon Has Begun and We’re Losing!”
• “My Hubby’s a Saint Since He Slipped into a Coma!”
(Source: Always found in the inventive “Weekly World News”)

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Show biz columnist Army Archerd reveals that just-planted “All in the Family” star Carroll O’Connor missed out on starring in another ‘70s show, being passed over for the role of the ‘Skipper’ on “Gilligan’s Island” (think there’d be all this maudlin sentiment over his death if he’d got that role?) . . . Word is Jennifer Lopez is getting a $250,000 fee to pose for the cover of “Stuff” magazine, which could be a first — magazines never pay stars to appear on their covers as it’s considered a big career boost (her star power is now even bigger than her butt) . . . Craig David, Travis, Radiohead, Dido, BBMak and S Club 7 are responsible for the biggest British invasion of North American music since the early ‘90s . . . According to a Rolling Stones insider, Mick Jagger is still in love with ex-wife Jerry Hall and the fact she won’t get back together with him is driving him crazy (here’s a tip, Mick — try keeping your pants zipped for more than an hour).

FUTURE FLICKS:
Britney Spears’ life story is being brought to the bigscreen courtesy of her record label, and her on-screen father will be played by none other than Ottawa native and “SNL” vet Dan Aykroyd (geez Dan, we thought “Dr Detroit” was your career low point) . . . Buzz is Jim Carrey did some unplanned ‘butt talking’ while shooting a scene for his new drama “The Majestic”, the resulting noise being SO LOUD that all 300 extras on the set also exploded — with laughter, and the red-faced star was forced to shoot the scene over (Jim Carrey gets embarrassed by a fart? That IS news!) . . . Action director John Woo (“Mission Impossible 2″) is developing a computer-animated feature based on the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” (they haven’t been hot since 1990 – are they old enough to be ‘retro’?).

SUMMER TRIP TRAUMA:
Vacations aren’t just a summer break from routine anymore. The ‘2001 National Leisure Travel Monitor’ suggests that vacations are becoming an obligatory way for families to reconnect as we suffer GUILT for the lack of family time in our daily lives. So it’s not just a vacation anymore, it’s making up for all the missed family dinners, activities and special occasions. (Well thank you Travel Monitor for creating even more pressure for us to make our little 2-week breather the absolute PERFECT experience.)

BS.INFO ON INTERNET.BIZ:
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names & Numbers (ICANN), which oversees the Internet domain name system, says interested companies should now be applying for Internet addresses with the new ‘.biz’ and ‘.info’ suffixes. Although the ‘Net already has 8 generic domain categories, like .com and .org, and more than 200 country codes, worldwide demand has made additional domains necessary. (Betcha show.biz is already gone.)

THE ALL-NEW McBELCH:
McDonald’s develops menu items to suit local tastes at its outlets around-the-world. For instance, in Egypt a new sandwich has been concocted that includes patties made of ground-up beans instead of ‘two all-beef patties’ on a bun. And instead of ‘special sauce’, it’s topped off with fiery hot tahina. (Just ask for the ‘Cairo Colonic’.)

WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• A Dubai court has upheld an unusual divorce in which a man announced the split-up to his wife — by sending her a text message on his mobile phone. (Who said technology is making life less personal?)
• The “London Independent” reports the adult male members of the ‘Hush-a-Bye Baby Club’ in southern England dress as female infants and refer to themselves as ‘Baby Michelle’, ‘Baby Cathy’, etc. ‘Mummy Clare’ runs the club, and charges about $110 for a night of baby food, bottled milk and diaper service. And oh, spanking is 7 bucks extra. (Suddenly [your co-host’s] passion for sex in a scuba suit seems downright normal.)
• “Bild” newspaper reports a German man was admitted to hospital this week — with a 31-inch spear stuck in his butt. Some kind of kinky sexual practice? Naw, he just accidentally sat on it while bending over in a closet. (After removal and a sew job the man’s fine, but says he’ll refrain from ever tending his fireplace with a red hot poker.)
• Viagra has been banned from greyhound racing in Ireland. (Apparently as they chased the rabbit around the track, eating it was no longer the goal.)

THE BULL SHEET 06.28.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [75] Mel Brooks (Kaminsky), Brooklyn NY, really rich Broadway producer (“The Producers”)/movie director (“Blazing Saddles”, “High Anxiety”)

1948 [53] Kathy Bates, Memphis TN, film actress (“Titanic”, “Fried Green Tomatoes”, Oscar-“Misery”)

1966 [35] Mary Stuart Masterson, NYC, TV actress (Kate Brasher-“Kate Brasher”)/movie actress (“Fried Green Tomatoes”)

1966 [35] John Cusack, Evanston IL, movie actor (“Pushing Tin”, “Being John Malkovich”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Julia Roberts, Billy Crystal & Catherine Zeta-Jones in the comedy “America’s Sweethearts”, opening JULY 20th

1967 [34] Gil Bellows, Vancouver BC, TV actor (Matt Callan-“The Agency”, Billy Thomas-“Ally McBeal” [1997-2000])/movie actor (“The Shawshank Redemption”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Tapioca Day”, honoring that stuff you put in pudding that looks like fish eyes.

TODAY is “Paul Bunyon Day”, celebrating the famous American fable about the giant lumberjack and ‘Babe the Blue Ox’. (Why the heck was he blue? Foot-and-mouth?)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 “The Patriot” starring Mel Gibson opens in movie theaters
2000 Darva Conger of “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?” infamy extends her 15 minutes of fame by announcing she’ll appear naked in “Playboy”
2000 7 months (and about 24,538 news stories) after he was cast adrift in the Florida Straits, Elian Gonzalez is returned to his native Cuba
2000 US Supreme Court rules Boy Scouts can bar homosexuals from serving as troop leaders (welp, there goes the ‘Interior Decorator Badge’)

ALSO ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [04] Mike Tyson nibbles off parts of Evander Holyfield’s ear in a heavyweight title match that attracts a record 1.9 million viewers on ‘pay-per-chew’ TV (Tyson disqualified, Holyfield retains WBA title)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1820 [181] Tomatoes 1st gain acceptance for consumption as test proves them NOT to be poisonous (you remember “The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”, don’t ya?)

1994 [07] US EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) begins ‘UV Index’, measuring daily ultraviolet exposure from Sun’s rays (now part of the daily weather forecast)

1998 [03] 1st TV ratings week in which more viewers watch cable channels than broadcast channels (yeah, that Home & Garden channel is rivetting, isn’t it?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Camera Day
[Sun] Canada Day (no BS service MONDAY)
Deaf & Blindness Awareness Week
Fireworks Safety Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:

After the recent accident over Lake Erie, Canada’s Snowbirds have been forced to cancel their Canada Day performance in Ottawa. Is it time to mothball the Snowbirds program and its aging Tutor jets?

BS SICKIES:
• What’s the difference between Courtney Love and Stanley Cup MVP Joe Sakic? [Joe takes a shower after 3 periods. (Just for you folks in Vancouver who are sick to death of her!)]
• Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? [To keep the smarter ones from going home.]

BS QUICK PICKS:
• The US Census Bureau estimates the number of people in this category will increase from 68,000 to 550,000 by the year 2040 – people who’ve changed gender, people 100 and older, or people with breast implants? (Centenarians, people 100 years of age or older. Man, driving in Florida’s going to be a real bitch.)
• Which of the following is NOT against the law in the state of Florida according to outdated statutes — sitting in a park under a tree for longer than 3 hours during a public holiday, unmarried women parachuting on Sunday, or tying your elephant to a parking meter? (You can’t park your elephant or Sunday skydive single if you’re female, but it seems sitting under a tree is cool with Florida lawmakers.)
• The Greater North Dakota Association is backing a proposal to improve the state’s image of being cold and snowy and flat by changing its name. What do they want to call it – ‘Dakota’, ‘Hot Dakota’, or ‘North Florida’? (Just plain ‘Dakota’ – clever ain’t it?)
• How many eyes does a bee have — 5, 3, or 2 just like you, stupid? (A total of 5 — 2 large compound eyes on either side of its head, plus 3 primitive eyes on top of its head. This is the reason you never see a bee with sunglasses.)
• What planet has the greatest number of known satellites — Saturn, Jupiter or Uranus? (Saturn, with 20 moons. Wait a sec, what about all those moons Uranus made in college?)
• What is the most common transplant operation — heart transplant, kidney transplant or bone graft? (The bone graft. No, that’s NOT a penile implant operation.)

BS TAG LINE:
When all is said and done more will be said than done.

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