Friday, June 22, 2001        Edition: #2083
The weekend forecast calls for — a new weatherman.

BS OXYMORONS:
• Government Organization
• Airline Food
• Sanitary Landfill
• Legally Drunk
• Soft Rock
• British Fashion
• Business Ethics
• Child Proof
• Political Science
• Tight Slacks
• Rap Music
• Microsoft Works
• Toronto Life
• Canadian Alliance
 (Ask listeners for more 2-word contradictions)

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck & Benicio Del Toro all made the ‘Top 50 Bachelors’ list in TODAY’S edition of “People” magazine (Have you ever noticed that married men are always fatter than the single ones? That’s because the singles open the door of the refrigerator, see what’s in it, and go to bed. The married ones see what’s in bed and go to the refrigerator!) . . . Catherine Zeta Jones has flown to Swansea WALES for her grandmother’s funeral TODAY even though family members told to her to stay away – to avoid a media circus . . . What may be the world’s most famous pig, the porker that starred in the “Babe” movies, has been ordered to slaughter in the UK because it may have been in contact with foot-and-mouth (the owner is appealing, trying to save his bacon) . . . For her 1st anniversary with hubby Billy Bob Thornton, “Tomb Raider” Angelina Jolie turned ‘tomb buyer’, purchasing side-by-side, his ‘n hers cemetery plots in Arkansas (how romantic) . . . . The new line of ‘Lara Croft’ action figures hitting toy stores isn’t aimed at kids, but young adults (maybe ‘cause they make Barbie look flat as a pool table) . . . And word is Britney Spears was talked out of a middle-of-the-night impulse by an adviser after she and Justin Timberlake ran off to a Sunset Strip body art parlor to get matching tattoos – on their butts.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
The comedy sequel “Doctor Dolittle 2″ proves Eddie Murphy can still talk to the animals as he teams with critters to protect a forest from developers . . . Paul Walker & Vin Diesel star in the action thriller “The Fast & the Furious”, about a cop who goes undercover to infiltrate street-racing teams and investigate truck hijackings.

WE NEED THIS HERE:
YESTERDAY a Hong Kong theater opened two 16-seat mini-cinemas called ‘Directors Clubs’, semi-private screening rooms where film lovers are treated like movie moguls with luxury seating and private waiters. The price – just $22 a ticket, including a bucket of popcorn and a drink! (Last time we checked, a bucket of popcorn cost close to that.)

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY UNCLE:
That 62-year-old women who recently became France’s (and one of the world’s) oldest to give birth now admits she became pregnant through in-vitro fertilization in the US, using a donor egg and sperm — from her brother. (West Virginia has just made her ‘Mother of the Year’.)

HOW TO MAKE A SECOND FORTUNE:
What do dot-com losers do? The International Speakers Bureau says deposed Priceline CEO Jay Walker and former Yahoo! chief Tim Koogle now earn up to $30,000 a pop as public speakers – talking about their failures. (Man, I should be worth 100 grand easy!)

BEST BAIT BEAT:
According to a “Boating” magazine poll, Rolling Stones music is the best accompaniment for catching fish, followed by classic rockers ZZ Top. The worst ‘fishing music’ is said to be Alanis Morissette, because certain frequencies in her voice scare the fishies away. (From watching all the bubbas catching bass on TV fishing shows, something tells me Mozart doesn’t rank high either.)

CATCHIN’ COODIES:
A new ‘Bathroom Confidential’ poll finds 30% of us avoid public washrooms altogether. Of those who venture in, 60% never ‘sit down’ or touch anything, and over 40% flush with a foot!

ELECTRIC HOT RODS:
“Wall Street Journal” reports there’s a new trend to converting golf carts into — off-road vehicles. Apparently farmers and hunters started the practice, souping up old golf carts with knobby off-road tires and camo paint. (How long before there’s a ‘Modified Golf Cart Racing Association’?)

WHAT’S YOUR BAG CODE?
Just in time for kids returning to school THIS FALL there’ll be a new backpack on the market – the ‘Logstoff.com Pack’. Yup, the German maker of ‘Scout’ knapsacks calls its new product a ‘communications pack’ that allows students to log onto the Internet, chat and send e-mail to each other. Each pack comes with its own ‘bag code’, or Internet ID, and individual password.
As well as paying for the product, you’ll have to pony up for online access. (This will raise cheating on tests to a whole new level.)

THE BULL SHEET 06.22.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [65] Kris Kristofferson, Brownsville TX, movie actor (“Planet of the Apes“, opening JULY 27)/country singer (“Me & Bobby McGee”, “Why Me”)

1941 [60] Ed Bradley, Philadelphia PA, CBS news correspondent (“60 Minutes”, since 1981)

1949 [52] Meryl Streep, Summit NJ, movie actress with 12 Academy Award nominations (Oscars-“Sophie’s Choice”, “Kramer vs Kramer”) NOTE: She’s now shooting Steven Spielberg’s “Minority Report”, starring Tom Cruise

1952 [49] Graham Greene, Six Nations Reserve ON, TV actor (Professor Duke Joseph-“Wolf Lake”)/movie actor (“The Green Mile”, “Dances With Wolves”) NOTE: Appears in upcoming movie comedy “Red Green: Duct Tape Forever”

1964 [37] Amy Brenneman, Glastonbury CT, TV actress (Judge Amy Madison Gray-”Judging Amy”)

1970 [31] Steven Page, Scarborough ON, rock singer (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”, “It’s All Been Done”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1957 [44] Frances McDormand, Chicago IL, movie actress (“Almost Famous”, “Wonder Boys”, Oscar-“Fargo”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 3rd annual “Take Your Dog to Work Day”, sponsored by ‘Pet Sitters International’ to give dog owners the opportunity to invite their ‘best friend’ into participating workplaces. Are there jobs where you SHOULDN’T take your dog to work? Operating Room Nurse, perhaps?
NET: http://www.petsit.com/tydtwd/default.asp

TODAY-Sunday over 100,000 are expected to take in Vancouver’s annual “Dragon Boat Festival”, the largest of its kind outside of Hong Kong.
PHONER: 604-696-1888
NET: http://www.canadadragonboat.com/

SUNDAY-Thursday the “Canadian National Left-Handed Golf Championship” will be held in
conjunction with the 66th “US National Lefty Championship” at Tree Top Resort in Gaylord
MI. Ask about the unique problems encountered by lefties on the links.
PHONER: 250-743-2456 (Robert Zimmerman-NALG Canada, Cobble Hill BC)/800-844-NALG (National Association of Left-Handed Golfers)
NET: http://www.nalg.org

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Canadian Alliance Party begins gathering in Calgary for weekend national leadership convention eventually won by Stockwell Day

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1847 [154] 1st ‘doughnut’ (according to legend, doughnuts with a hole in the center were developed for sailors, so they could hook them over the spokes of a ship’s wheel while steering)

1873 [128] PEI joins Canada (adding 137 people and 4 billion potatoes to the population)

1979 [22] NHL absorbs Winnipeg, Quebec City, Hartford and Edmonton teams from defunct World Hockey Association (Winnipeg is now in Phoenix, Quebec in Colorado, Hartford in Carolina, leaving Edmonton Oilers as the only original WHA team still in existence)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] St-Jean Baptiste Day or Fête Nationale holiday in Québec
[Sun] National Pink Day/Gay Pride Day
[Sun] Museum Comes To Life Day
[Mon] Wimbledon Tennis begins
National Horse Week
Entrepreneurs Do It Yourself Marketing Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:

“What’s the most unusual use you’ve made of the ‘photo shop’ in your computer?” (A new online poll finds women are using the technology to give themselves a tan or improve their figures, and men are removing their mothers-in-law from wedding pictures!)

BS WARNING:
Beware of the destructive new ‘Amish Virus’. It’s a bit different from other computer viruses. Since they have no phone lines or computers, it’s on the honor system — you have to delete all files on your hard drive yourself.

BS TAG LINE:
My entire family are workaholics. I’m the only relaxaholic.

 


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