Monday, June 18, 2001        Edition: #2079

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why can you never buy a bottle of shampoo without 25% extra in it?
• Who owns the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils?
• Why is it every time someone eats something that tastes terrible they immediately think the person next to them wants to see what it tastes like too?
• Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
• Do cannibals get engaged to be marinated?
• Why do most bosses think the best reward for a job well done is more work?

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Pagesix.com” reports that German news magazine “Thema1″ is giving away tickets to see Madonna in Berlin. All the winning contestant has to be willing to do is — one of the mag’s staff. Yup, the winner has to have sex with a staff member. As of yesterday, 6 women, 12 men and 4 gay men had applied. The winner will be announced TODAY. (Well, there’s that unique contest idea you were looking for!)
• “E! Online” notes that daytime TV’s most famous couple, ‘Luke Spenser’ and ‘Laura Webber-Baldwin’ of “General Hospital”, will end their nearly 20-year storybook marriage on TODAY’S episode when they divorce. (The saddest split on daytime TV since that guy dumped his sheep on “Jerry Springer”.)
• “National Enquirer’ reports Marlon Brando wants only facial shots to appear in the final cut of Robert De Niro’s new movie, “The Score”, so he turned up on the set NAKED. Seems that was the eccentric actor’s way of convincing the director not to film his fat bod’. By the way, for his 10 days work, the big guy got $10 million — yup, a million-a-day. (Or per pound, however you wanna look at it.)
• “Starlog Magazine” quotes Steven Spielberg as saying a 4th “Indiana Jones” movie with  Harrison Ford is set to go “as soon as details can be finalized”. (On how much it will cost to make a 59-year-old star look like a young action hero.)
• David Hasselhoff tells “Entertainment Weekly” he plans to produce an updated version of “Knight Rider” in which his character ‘Michael Knight’ comes out of retirement and fires up his smart car ‘KITT’ to battle bad guys. (His first assignment will be to break the original cast out of the nursing home.)
• “Star” claims a mysterious, unnamed Beverly Hills millionairess was so desperate to have a baby with celebrity genes, she contacted John Travolta’s lawyer and offered $1 million if the “Swordfish” star would father her child. Travolta was reportedly so shocked his ‘head almost exploded’. (Um, an unfortunate choice of words?)
• According to “Sun”, Tom Cruise has changed the name on his private jet since his separation from Nicole Kidman. The plane was formerly known as ‘Sweet Nic’. (It’s now called ‘Call Me Gay And I’ll Sue Your Ass!’)

BONHOMME NO BAD HOMME:
Citing trademark infringement, the Québec Winter Carnival has asked a publisher to withdraw the novel “Les annees fantomes” (“The Ghost Years”) by Québec City author Pierre Brisset des Nos, which depicts the carnival’s mascot ‘Bonhomme Carnaval’ as a mad assassin. (Officials note the only thing ‘Bonhomme’ has killed off is a 40 of Canadian Club in a cheap plastic cane.)

SURVEYING THE LAND:
• On an average summer day, about 3 million gas BBQ owners across Canada fire up their grills. (Half of which end up cursing the fact they ran out of propane with a $20 steak still bleeding.)
• 20-year-old Russian tennis star Anna Kournikova has lost her crown as the game’s #1 pin-up, according to a new “Ace” magazine poll. She’s now second behind Austria’s 25-year-old court babe, Barbara Schett. (Alas, there just aren’t any real stunners like Martina Navratilova and Billie Jean King anymore.)
• A poll by “YM” magazine finds that 38% of teenage boys admit they’ve tried on a bra just to see what it looks like. (Is this what’s meant by “getting in touch with your feminine side”?)
• A survey of high school couples going steady finds they spend an average of 14½ hours a week alone together. 86% say ‘hanging out at home’ is their top activity. (Yeah, sure it is.)
• According to a nationwide poll, 76% of women likely made their bed this morning, while the odds are that just 46% of men did. (The rest haven’t made it home yet.)

THE BULL SHEET 06.18.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [59] Sir Paul McCartney, Liverpool ENG, rock billionaire (Beatles-“Let it Be”, Wings-“Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey”)

1942 [59] Roger Ebert, Urbana IL, syndicated TV/newspaper film critic (“Chicago Sun Times”)

1966 [35] Kurt Browning, Caroline AB, pro figure skater (former 4-time world champ, 1st quadruple jump at World Figure Skating Championships [1988], 1996 World Professional champ)

1971 [30] Nathan Morris, Philadelphia PA, pop/R&B singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Picnic Day”, a favorite observance of ants everywhere.

TODAY is “National Splurge Day”, when we’re encouraged to go out and do something indulgent. If money was no object, what would that be? (A whole tank of gasoline?)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Emmy-winning actress Nancy Marchand (“The Sopranos”) dies a day before her 72nd birthday (computer technology brings her back for one more episode)

2000 Tiger Woods wins 100th US Open golf tournament by staggering 15 shots at Pebble Beach CA

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1583 [418] 1st ‘life insurance policy’ is issued to one Richard Martin in London ENG (he’s still paying premiums)

1816 [185] 1st “Thanksgiving Day” celebrated in Upper Canada (later moved to October when women complain, “Cheese Louise, it’s too darn hot to roast a turkey in June!”)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] World Sauntering Day
[Thurs] Longest Day of the Year
[Fri] Take Your Dog to Work Day
[Sun] St Jean-Baptiste Day
Hire a Student Week
National Beef Steak Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
FEMALE VS MALE DICTIONARY:
THINGY . . .

Female –  Any part under a car’s hood.
Male –  The fastener on a bra.
VULNERABLE . . .
Female –  Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male –  Playing hockey without a cup.
COMMUNICATION . . .
Female –  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male –  Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT . . .
Female –  The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
Male –  What you slap when someone scores a goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT . . .
Female –  A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male –  Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT . . .
Female –  A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male –  Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE . . .
Female –  An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male –  An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
REMOTE CONTROL . . .
Female –  A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male –  A device for scanning through all 80 channels every 2 minutes.
MAKING LOVE . . .
Female –  The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male –  Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in the sack.

SUMMER SOUND COLLAGE:
Welcome the first day of Summer THURSDAY with a collage of summer sounds — a golf swing, tennis serve, loon calls, ice cubes in a glass, water sprinkler, whatever denotes summer in your area. Follow it each time with a station ID.

BS TRIVIA:
Q: A thousand tons of it fall to Earth every day. What is it?
A: Meteor dust.
(Source: “Fascinating Facts”)

Q: Which of the following can you legally marry in Canada — your cousin, your uncle, your nephew?
A: Believe it or not, all of them!
(Source: Osgoode Hall Law School)

BS TAG LINE:
Half the people you know are below average.

 


Printer Friendly Version