Thursday, June 14, 2001 Edition: #2077
PET NICKNAMES FOR DAD:
• “Family Savings & Loan”
• “Keeper of the Remote”
• “The Ol’ Garborator”
• “Chef Boy R These Burnt”
• “Sofa Spud”
• “Mr Fix-It, Even If It Ain’t Broke”
• “Golf Boy”
• “Mom’s Folly”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY another auction of celebrity cars closes on eBay as bidding ends on the “Cars of the Stars” collection that includes Elvis’ ‘76 Cadillac El Dorado Biarritz and John Lennon’s 1970 Mercedes limo (well, Father’s Day is coming y’know) . . . TONIGHT Sean Puffy Combs is among the nominees for the “American Fashion Awards” presented by the Council of Fashion Designers of America (for his 3-piece suit with Kevlar vest) . . . Buzz is Tom Cruise is planning to drop that $100-million libel suit against gay porn wrestler Kyle Bradford for claiming they had an affair because — the guy doesn’t have any money (let that be a lesson — never OVER-sue) . . . Mel Brooks’ mega-hit “The Producers” is the first Broadway show with a ticket price topping 3 digits (if he’s recycling his old movies for Broadway, will “Blazing Saddles” be next? The bean scene would cause immediate theater evacuation!) . . . Flaky Angelina Jolie says she once tried to commit suicide by hiring a hit man to kill her — but he talked her out of it (so HE’S the ‘Tomb Raider’!) . . . Electric Light Orchestra is attempting a comeback after a 15-year layoff with a new album and plans for a North American tour (because we just aren’t getting enough cello hits).
MOVIES IN THE MAKIN’:
Charlton Heston admits he agreed to play a ‘senior ape’ in the upcoming remake of his classic “Planet Of The Apes” only because of the large fee he was paid (well duh, why else would you put on a monkey suit?) . . . Plans are in the works for a film based on the life of MC Hammer (well let’s see, his career lasted about 5 minutes) . . . 2-time Oscar-winning actor Dustin Hoffman will make his directorial debut on the upcoming legal thriller “Personal Injuries” (surprised to hear he’s never directed?) . . . It may soon be sequel time again for Eddie Murphy as a script is being developed for “Beverly Hills Cop IV” (can you actually remember 2 or 3?) . . . Comedy director John Landis, the guy who made “Animal House” and “The Blues Brothers”, is said to be the favorite to direct the upcoming 20th ‘James Bond’ film (oh great, it’ll have a fart scene).
PATCHING IT UP:
• A London hospital has been conducting tests on an ‘Anti-Chocolate Patch’, similar to nicotine patches worn by smokers. According to “World Report”, this patch doesn’t release any chemicals but gives off fragrances that include the smell of vanilla. The aromas cause the body to generate serotonin, a mood-enhancing chemical linked with chocolate, thus reducing the cravings of chocoholics. (If all else fails, you can just eat the damn thing.)
• One square mile of countryside contains more insects than there are humans on the entire planet. Of Earth’s approximately 1 million species of animals, about 800,000 are insects. Two good reasons for the new ‘Skeeter Defense Patch’, about the size of a quarter, which peels and sticks to skin, clothing or outdoor furniture. Using citronella odor, it supposedly not only repels mosquitoes, but fleas, ticks and black flies. (And thanks to you smelling like Lemon Pledge, any interest from the opposite sex.)
FATHERS ARE FUNNIER:
The big difference between “Mother’s Day” and “Father’s Day” cards? Humor. A survey of greeting cards shows only about 15% of Mom’s Day greetings are funny, while the majority of Dad’s Day cards feature some form of humor. (“Father’s Day is a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!”)
• Researchers believe they have discovered the gene that causes mid-life crisis in men. (It’s attributed to the extremely tight CK jeans.)
• New research from Sweden’s University of Uppsala shows people who regularly consume beer in reasonable quantities have a more active sex life than teetotallers or those who get habitually drunk. (You’ll have more sex, but it’ll be with big flabby beer drinkers.)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A NYC cab company has hired a taxi driver — with no arms. (He flips other drivers ‘the toe’.)
• In Tokyo they’re selling toupees for dogs. (Which is really dumb because, besides homo sapiens, only monkeys lose hair on the top of their heads.)
• Colombia will soon legalize bigamy since Chief Prosecutor Alfonso Gomez Mendez has decided that a 2nd marriage is punishment in itself. (Well yeah – 2 Mother-in-Laws.)
• A “Woman’s Own” magazine poll finds that 1 in 12 women would be prepared to lose a limb in return for an otherwise perfect body. (The survey was conducted among girlfriends of Paul McCartney.)
BS SHOCKING FACT:
An amazing 72% of single women fake orgasms, says a new study. (What’s shocking is, it’s when they’re alone.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.14.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942  Bambi, Hollywood CA, famous orphan/spotted venison on-the-hoof (Disney movie 1st released)
1946  Donald Trump, NYC, real estate billionaire (Trump Tower/Plaza/Castle)/author (“The Art of the Deal”)/ex-Mr Marla, ex-Mr Ivana
1961  Boy George (George O’Dowd), Kent ENG, oldies singer (Culture Club-“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”, “Karma Chameleon”)
1966  Traylor Howard, Orlando FL, TV actress (Sharon Carter-“Two Guys and a Girl”)
1968  Yasmine Bleeth, NYC, TV actress (Heather-“Titans”)
1969  Steffi Graf (‘Fraulein Forehand’), Bruhl GER, retired tennis player who won 21 Grand Slam singles titles
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Tulsa OK] US Open golf tournament begins
TODAY is “International Family History Day”, a day to ‘share the folklore, legends and myths of your own particular family tree’ (aka ‘Cure Your Insomnia Day’).
TODAY-Sunday is the 31st annual “International Country Music Fan Fair” which this year has moved from the cramped Tennessee State Fairgrounds to downtown Nashville. Celebrations kick off with TODAY’S 11th annual “City of Hope Celebrity Softball Challenge”.
PHONER: 866-FAN-FAIR (326-3247)/615-889-7503 (Fan Fair Office)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1994  New York Rangers win Stanley Cup for the 1st time in 54 years by defeating Vancouver Canucks
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841  1st ‘Canadian parliament’ convenes in Kingston ON (they vote themselves a 20% raise then adjourn for summer recess)
1976  “The Gong Show” premieres on TV, hosted by its wacky creator Chuck Barris (basically a talent show featuring really terrible acts who are voted off the stage by panelists hitting a giant gong)
• To celebrate the 25th anniversary one of the shows regulars, ‘The Unknown Comic’ who performed with a bag over his head, performs several tributes on the Game Show Network
• An upcoming movie called “Gong Show”, loosely based on Chuck Barris’ life, will star Johnny Depp
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] 1st Day of Summer
[Sun] Father’s Day
Radio Talk Show Week
Canadian Seniors Month (“How old do you have to be to be a senior?” Many hotel chains now offer seniors’ discounts at age 55. The local seniors’ centres here now accept members at 50!)
National Tennis Month (aka ‘Ow My Elbow Hurts Month’)
BULL’S BITS . . .
Have a listeners call from their cars while stopped at a busy intersection. When the light turns green, have them sit there until horns start honking. Count the honks and pay a buck for every ‘beep’.
Q: We all know West Edmonton Mall is the world’s largest shopping mall, but 12 years ago TODAY (1989) the sod was turned for the world’s 2nd-largest mall. Where is it?
A: It’s the “Mall of America” in Bloomington, Minnesota.
Q: In which month do most people lose their virginity?
A: June. (The figures may be skewed however, because [your co-host] lost it 23 times.)
BS TAG LINE:
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.