Tuesday, June 12, 2001 Edition: #2075
BS THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A FATHER SAY:
• “Here, you take the remote.”
• “No, honey, sit this one out. I really can’t wait to change that diaper.”
• “I notice that all your friends have a certain ‘up yours’ attitude — I like that in a young person!”
• “Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go nuts!”
• “What do you mean you want to play hockey? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?”
• “Your mother and I are going away for awhile. You might want to consider throwing a party.”
• “No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the mall.”
• “What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.”
• “Father’s Day? Ah don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT CBS airs another all-time movie countdown put together by the American Film Institute, this time “AFI’s 100 Years — 100 Thrills”, a 3-hour listing of the all-time ‘most electrifying films’ hosted by Harrison Ford (we’re betting “Psycho” is #1) . . . One-hit-wonder Billy Ray Cyrus says the hardest part about acting in his new TV show “Doc” is ‘learning all those big doctor words’ (apparently ‘achy breaky’ is not precise medical terminology) . . . Madonna has fully co-operated on a BBC documentary about her life in return for a percentage of foreign-rights sales of the film to be called “I Love Madonna” (guess she liked the title).
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
The bigscreen version of “Survivor” — “Cast Away” — starring Tom Hanks as a FedEx worker who ends up stranded on a Pacific island talking to a volleyball (available in 2-disc special edition DVD) . . . The 9-disc, 8-movie “Stanley Kubrick Collection”, includes the best of the late director’s work from 1962’s “Lolita” to 1999’s “Eyes Wide Shut” . . . Three stumblebum convicts escape to go on a quest for treasure in the Coen Bros crime comedy “O Brother, Where Are Thou?”, starring George Clooney.
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• 7-Eleven stores are introducing a new product in their pseudo-food section called ‘Stickless Corndogs’. (Welp, there goes all the nutrition! Next the ‘Stickless Popsicle’?)
• “New Scientist” reports there’s a radical development in false teeth. The new chompers feature powerful embedded magnets, with the poles positioned so the upper and lower dentures repel — thus keeping them firmly in place. (Great idea, until you yawn while refilling your stapler.)
• Scientists at an elephant preserve in Thailand claim they have developed a method to transform elephant poop into a clean and odorless decorative paper. (Just so your mother will be bang on when she visits your new apartment and asks, “Where’d you get that crappy wallpaper?”)
INSTANT MOSQUITO REPELLANT:
Here’s a little tip for New Brunswickers, who are swatting at record swarms of mosquitoes this year. Place a white dinner plate near where you’ll be sitting outside, pour some water and a
few drops of lemon dishwashing detergent on it. The mosquitoes will be attracted to the plate and will drop dead in it or nearby — so they say. (‘They’ have been known to be wrong once or twice.)
Princess Diana was NOT planning to marry Dodi Fayed when they died, her brother Earl
Spencer now says, claiming their relationship was simply ‘a lovely summer romance’. (If he’s bringing this up again there must be money involved somehow.)
YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART:
A new Bradley University/University of Texas study of relationships in more than 40 countries finds the British are the most unfaithful and lead the world in stealing other people’s lovers. 45% of married UK men and 42% of women have had affairs. The most faithful marriage partners are Israelis. (Who’s got time to fool around when you’re ducking rocks and Molotov cocktails?)
MALL ON THE MOON SOON?
Radio Shack has ponied up $1 million to become the first corporation to help fund a commercial mission to the Moon. The company logo will appear on a 4-wheel drive rover set to make a lunar landing in 2003. The plan is for visitors to the Radio Shack Website to be able to drive the vehicle by remote control. (Hey, could they be any worse than NASA?)
DRINKING THE PROFITS:
Employees of a Guinness plant being closed in Ireland have agreed to a severance package that includes 10 years of — FREE BEER! They’ll get 14 bottles of the black goo each week and bonus bottles on holidays, a total of over 7,000 bottles! (One way to avoid lawsuits from layoffs – keep ‘em hammered!)
WHAT DAD REALLY WANTS:
A MasterCard International survey finds that an overwhelming 84% of the fathers polled say the most ‘priceless gift’ they could receive for “Father’s Day” would be to spend time with their families. On the material side, the top gifts desired by dads are electronic and computer-related products [39%], followed by sports and leisure equipment [17%]. (I don’t see ties listed here anywhere.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.12.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1924  George Bush, Milton MA, 41st US President (1989-93)/Dubya’s dad
1941  Marv Albert (Marv Philip Aufrichtig), Brooklyn NY, NBC sportscaster with some strange sexual proclivities (currently doing NBA final)
1957  Timothy Busfield, Lansing MI, TV actor (White House press corps journalist Danny Concannon-“The West Wing”)
1959  Scott Thompson, North Bay ON, TV comic (“Kids in the Hall”)
1979  Robyn (Carlsson), Stockholm SWE, pop singer (“Do You Know What It Takes”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Hooray For Year-Round School Day”, promoting the benefits of a year-round school calendar. (An idea likely started by some really worn out parents.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1994  Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman murdered in Brentwood CA (OJ sure is having a tough time finding the ‘real killers’)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1792  George Vancouver discovers site of Vancouver BC (what a coincidence – same name!)
1839  According to (fictitious) legend, Abner Doubleday creates baseball in Cooperstown NY. Then, 100 years later . . .
1939  ‘Baseball Hall of Fame’ formally dedicated in Cooperstown NY
1997  1st baseball ‘interleague play’, ending 126-year tradition of separating the major leagues until the World Series (in 1st game, San Francisco Giants beat Texas Rangers 4-3)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] National Juggling Day (for accountants and bookkeepers?)
[Wed] Kitchen Klutzes Day
Canadian Public Service Week (to celebrate call a government office, wade through 87 menu choices and then get put on hold for a half-hour)
National Pest Control Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS DAD’S DAY PHONE STARTERS:
• “Who’s your favorite all-time TV dad?” (In an Infoplease online poll, Bill Cosby from “The Cosby Show” was tops [47%], followed by “The Simpsons” ‘Homer Simpson’ [27%], and Robert Reed from “The Brady Bunch” [9%].)
• “Who’s your favorite all-time movie dad?” (A Blockbuster Video survey picks Robin Williams in “Mrs Doubtfire” [18%], with Steve Martin in “Father of the Bride” and Harrison Ford in “Air Force One” tied for 2nd [13%].)
It may be called BUDGET Rent a Car, but the location on Wilshire Boulevard in Beverly Hills CA is anything but. There’s Jags, Porches, Corvettes, Prowlers, even a Ferrari on the lot. Ask about the most expensive rentals and the most famous customers.
Q: Which sport’s rules were first standardized by a Montréal dentist in 1860?
A: Lacrosse, one of our two national sports. (And one of the great contributors to dental profits.)
(Source: “All Canadian Trivia”)
BS TAG LINE:
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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