Monday, June 11, 2001        Edition: #2074
Hang Up And Steer, Yuppie Scum!

BS SIGNS IT’S GONNA BE A CRAPPY DAY:
• Your wife cheerfully says “Good morning, Bob!” but your name is Ed.
• Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a gang of Hell’s Angels.
• Your sister forgot your birthday – your TWIN sister.
• You wake up and discover your waterbed broke. Then you realize you don’t have a waterbed.
• You put your bra on backwards. It fits better.
• Your last name is McVeigh.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• UK tab “Sun” says Mariah Carey has told Virgin Records bosses to stop promoting rival Janet Jackson and spend money on HER career. Insiders say Mariah is desperate to top Janet’s success with her new single “Loverboy” out in JULY. (Wow, how unusual — Mariah Carey being a bitch.)
• According to “Star”, while Jerry Seinfeld has been doing standup gigs all around the East Coast he’s had some company. Seems wife Jessica gave him a half-hour cassette of their 7-month-old daughter Sascha babbling and gurgling. Devoted dad Jerry listens to it daily saying he finds it therapeutic. (If he’s so devoted, why doesn’t he stay home? Like he needs the money?)
• “Star” claims one reason Lisa Marie Presley has the hots for new boyfriend Nicolas Cage is his – Elvis memorabilia. Seems he’s been collecting souvenirs of ‘The King’ for years and L-M’s having a ball sorting through it. She even added to it by giving him a pair of gold cufflinks shaped like dice that belonged to the old man. (If they wed, she’ll turn over dad’s .38 caliber TV remote.)
• “National Enquirer” claims Dubya and the First Lady are at loggerheads over disciplining their partying daughters. Laura Bush reportedly wants to put Jenna and Barbara on a short leash, while the prez says leave ‘em be. A supposed ‘family source’ says “Laura Bush is fit to be tied about George’s attitude.” (How long before ‘The Bush Twins’ becomes a porn film?)
• “NY Post” reports that Republican Phil Crane has raised a few eyebrows in Washington by alleging that two members of Bill Clinton’s cabinet engaged in — a lesbian affair. The loose lipped congressman blurted out the lesbian rumor at a meeting, claiming the two women had gone ‘missing’ for a week at one point during the Clinton presidency. (We’d suspect Janet Reno, but to be a lesbian don’t you have to be a woman?)
• “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” may soon have a syndicated daytime version, reports “Daily News”, and the rumor is Rosie O’Donnell is in the running to be host. (And the name of the show will be changed to ‘Who Wants to Flog a Dead Horse?’)
• “E! Online” says “West Wing” creator Aaron Sorkin and star Martin Sheen had a bitter argument over Sorkin’s drug use with Sheen threatening to quit the show if the ‘mushroom man’ doesn’t get help for his drug problem. Reps for the show deny the fight took place. (In a future episode, CJ will call a news conference to spin some damage control.)

COUCH POTATO DIET:
According to the book “Fitness Without Exercise” by Bryant Stamford PhD, a 150-lb person burns about 75 to 80 calories an hour — by sitting. Seems you can actually lose weight by becoming a couch potato, as long as you don’t stuff yourself with more junk food than you burn. (Lose 1 pound every 4 years!)

OOOPS!
Ultramar Canada says a printing mistake led to distribution of 100,000 coupons in New Brunswick offering $1,500 in free gas. Only 3 of the 314,000 scratch-and-win ‘Reveal a Deal’ tickets were supposed to be winners. A spokesman says a draw will now be held to pick 3 winners, because paying off all those prizes would match the company’s annual earnings. (The problem being?)

FROM THE POLL VAULT:
• A new Gallup poll released on the weekend shows 55% of Canadians now think Stockwell Day should resign, while 26% say he should stay on (most of them being Liberal party supporters or political cartoonists).
• In a cross-Canada survey of computer users, 66% say computers make their work more interesting. (After all, how did we trade jokes efficiently before e-mail?)
• 70% of Canadian women prefer a clean shaven man, according to a cross-country poll. (Especially his back.)
• In a “McCalls” poll of married women, 52% of respondents admit to nagging, 22% of them daily. The most common nagging topics — housework (37%), home improvement (28%), yard work (12%), and not remembering special events (10%).
• A new poll shows that for the first time since 1947, the number of people who watch TV is dropping. (The demise can be directly attributed to the creation of ‘The Golf Channel’.)
• According to a “New Woman Magazine” poll, the first part of a woman’s body that most men look at is her — eyes. (Yeah right, and they read “Playboy” for the articles.)

THE BULL SHEET 06.11.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [66] Gene Wilder (Jerome Silberman), Milwaukee WI, movie actor (“The Producers” [Mel Brooks’ original 1968 film that spawned the hit Broadway show], “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”)/Gilda Radner’s widower

1978 [23] Joshua Jackson, Vancouver BC, TV actor (Pacey Witter-“Dawson’s Creek”)/movie actor (“Cruel Intentions”, “Scream 2″)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “King Kamehameha Day”, honoring Hawaii’s first king who unified the Hawaiian Islands in 1810. Not very significant, but it sure is fun saying ‘Kamehameha’.

TODAY is “National Impressionists Day”. Now there’s an excuse for an impromptu contest!

TOMORROW is “Honor Thy Veterinarian Day”, honoring all vets and their assistants who provide our pets with care. Line up a local vet on the phone and play ‘Stump the Vet’, where listeners ask insipid pet questions. (Which you pre-record using dummy calls from people in the office.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1993 [08] A very lucky date for Steven Spielberg as he releases “Jurassic Park” which becomes the all-time highest grossing film worldwide surpassing his “ET”, also released on this date in 1982 (“Jurassic Park” is now third on the all-time list, having been topped by “Titanic” and “The Phantom Menace”)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1952 [49] 1st teenager drives backwards through a drive-thru restaurant
1983 [18] 1st PC leader from Québec since Confederation (the beloved Brian Mulroney)
1990 [11] 1st elected Canadian Senator (AB Reformer Stan Waters sidles up to the trough)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1994 [07] World’s largest popcorn container unveiled in Jacksonville FL that’s 8 feet high and holds 6,620 cubic feet of popcorn (now available at AMC Theaters for $892, fake butter extra)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] National Juggling Day
[Sun] Father’s Day
National Drive Safe Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
3 WORD TEST:

Get a listener to answer each of the following questions with 3 words. Write down the answers for review afterward.
1. What is your favorite color? Give 3 words that describe what you like about this color.
2. What is your favorite animal? Give 3 words that describe what you like about this animal.
3. Imagine a waterfall. Give the first 3 words that come to mind.
4. Picture the color white. Give the first 3 words that come to mind.
ANSWERS:
1. The words you use to describe your favorite color reflect the way you see yourself.
2. The words you use to describe your favorite animal reflect how others see you.
3. The words you use to describe the waterfall reflect your feelings about sex.
4. The words you use to describe the color white reflect your feelings about death.

MUMMY RETURNS:
A Utah organization called ‘Summum’ promises to mummify your pet ‘the modern way’ by coating the disemboweled corpse with polyurethane and welding the casket shut. It’s founder claims he learned the process from extraterrestrials. Human mummies start at $50,000.
PHONER: 801-355-0137 (Claude Nowell-Salt Lake City UT)
NET: http://www.summum.org/mummification

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the most frightening thing you can imagine doing?” (TONIGHT NBC’s new reality show “Fear Factor” debuts, offering a $50,000 cash prize to contestants who confront their worst fears. On each hour-long episode, a new group of three men and three women are dared to perform such stunts as being dragged along the ground by horses, leaping across moving semi-trucks and letting snakes or rats crawl all over them.)
• “What’s your special nickname for a condom?” (A “Cosmopolitan” poll finds 65% of us like to call them ‘rubbers.’ Other pseudonyms include ‘protection,’ ‘raincoats,’ and 11% of us call them ‘party hats’!)

START ME UP:
Have a contestant try to start their lawnmower in the morning. Pay $50 if it fires up on the first pull, but take away $10 for each unsuccessful attempt. Do it early and all the neighbors will wonder why the idiot’s mowing the yard at 7am!

BS QUICK PICKS:
Q: You suffer from ‘ageusia’ (ay-JOO-see-uh). What CAN’T you do – roll your tongue into a cylinder, taste things with your tongue, or touch your nose with your tongue?
A: You are tasteless. You lack the ability to taste.

Q: For how many different human relationships does Hallmark make greeting cards — 15, 51 or 105?
A: Unbelievably, it’s 105. (For instance, “Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!” and “Happy Vasectomy!” and “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?” and “How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?”)

BS TAG LINE:
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

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