Wednesday, June 21, 2000                                               Edition:  #1834

BS SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A REALLY BAD USED CAR:
• Salesman convinced you ‘intermittent steering’ was a GOOD thing.
• Driver’s-side air bag made by ‘Jiffy-Pop’.
• Owner’s manual includes several prayers.
• You leave it parked for an hour in [local bad area] and nobody takes it.
• Digital display on dashboard indicates number of people now laughing at you.
• So-called ‘decorative floor mats’ turn out to be flattened Cap’n Crunch boxes.
• Options include a rear window fogger, pre-filled ashtrays and a drifter in the backseat who says, “Your door is open.”
• As you drive off car lot, you see all the salesmen wildly high-fiving each other.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
A special celebration cartoon is airing on the UK’s Channel Four television today showing Britney Spears taking off Prince William‘s pants for his 18th birthday (see BS Reasons to Party) . . . Workaholic actress Neve Campbell has been seeing a therapist to help her ‘cope’ with all her free time since she no longer has 16-hour work days shooting “Party of Five” (it’s enough to make you “Scream”!) . . . Jane Fonda’s absence seems to have made Ted Turner‘s heart go wander as he’s reportedly ‘networking’ with a redheaded 50-year-old mistress, a blonde Bo Derek look-alike AND a 27-year-old brunette college professor!

WHO’S MAKIN’ LOVE?
A new World Health Organization study finds that 100 million times a day somebody somewhere in the world is having sex. That means for every minute that ticks off the clock, some 69,000 couples are doin’ the nasty. (And you can bet one of them includes Ted Turner.)

A BOOK ABOUT NOTHING:
British art lecturer Anne Lydiat has just published a new book called “At a Loss For Words”, which contains nothing but 52 blank pages. She says the feminist work was inspired by visits to convents where talking is not allowed. (I’m suing her for plagiarism. I wrote that years ago.)

SUPER VIAGRA:
The latest and greatest sex stimulate drug, nicknamed ‘the morning before pill’ or ‘Super Viagra’, could mean all day excitement for the user. Researchers say the pill, which needs to be taken only 30 minutes before sex, has fewer side effects than Viagra and can last a whole day! (Is that a pogo stick or are you just happy to see me?)

HERE’S THE SKINNY:
Today Britain is hosting a “Thin Summit” to deal with the issue of young women and girls feeling pressured to keep their weight down in a diet-obsessed society. Leading figures in fashion, modeling and the media are expected. (Calista Flockhart’s the keynote speaker.)

BOUNTY HUNTING:
High-tech talent is so scarce these days. Canada’s Nortel Networks is offering $1 million in cash and prizes to employees who lure skilled friends to work for the corporation. (What a coincidence, the boss offered me a month’s pay if I’d find someone else to do this show.)

Refer a friend to BS and get a FREE MONTH!

THE BULL SHEET 06.21.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947    [53] Wade Phillips, Orange TX, NFL coach (Buffalo Bills)
1950    [50] Joey Kramer, NYC, rock drummer (Aerosmith-“I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”, “Amazing”)
1951    [49] Nils Lofgren, Chicago IL, rock guitarist/singer/songwriter (E Street Band)
1959    [41] Kathy Mattea, Cross Lane WV, country singer (“Love at the Five & Dime”)
1973     [27] Juliette Lewis, LA CA, film actress (“From Dusk Till Dawn”, “Natural Born Killers”)
1982    [18] Prince William  (William Philip Arthur Louis Windsor)/nicknamed ‘Wills’, London ENG, son of Charles & Diana/heir to the British throne

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Astrology] Zodiac sign “Cancer the Crab” begins
[Canada] “National Aboriginal Day” NET: http://www.inac.gc.ca/june21/INDEx.html
[Halifax NS] “Founding Day” (1749)

There’s a giant royal bash today at Windsor Castle as Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip host a glittering reception to mark Prince William’s 18th and a whole whack of other royal birthdays — the Queen Mother’s 100th (August), Princess Margaret’s 70th (August); Princess Anne’s 50th (August); and Prince Andrew, who turned 40 in February (for an ‘imperial’ family, they seem kind of metric). The long-ostracized ‘Fergie’, Duchess of York, is invited but Prince Charles’ wench Camilla Parker Bowles has been left off the guest list, reportedly leaving Charles “resigned and disappointed” (but how can you really tell?).

Today is “Baby Boomers Recognition Day”, a special day to commemorate the accomplishments of old farts everywhere.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1879    [121] 1st ‘Five & Dime’ store opened by Frank Woolworth (forerunner of the ‘buck store’)
1948    [52] 1st 33⅓ rpm ‘LP record’ introduced (something to tell your grandchildren about)
1997    [03] WNBA (Women’s National Basketball Association) begins 1st season

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Seattle’s “Experience Music Project” rock museum opens
[Fri] Take Your Dog to Work Day
[Sat] St Jean-Baptiste Day (PQ)
Canadian Hire a Student Week
Cancer from the Sun Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?

• Mosquitoes are more likely to take a nip at you if you’ve just eaten a banana. (T)
• The first couple shown together in bed on primetime TV was ‘Lucy’ and ‘Ricky’ on “I Love Lucy”. (BS. It was actually ‘Fred and Wilma Flintstone’.)
• By age 60, most people have lost 40% of their ability to smell. (T. Grandpa smelled pretty bad.)
• Sharkskin was once commonly used as sandpaper. (T. Always remember to kill it first.)
• In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to wear tennis shoes. (BS. But he’s not allowed to speak!)
• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. (T. Well, except for a 14-year-old surfing porn sites.)

THE LAST WORD:
Computer viruses are proof the e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

 


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