Thursday, June 8, 2000                                               Edition:  #1825

CTV will air a one-shot all-Canadian version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” in September, to be hosted by Pamela Wallin on the NYC set in front of a Canadian audience, and offering a million Canuck bucks — tax-free. But here’s some unforseen . . .
• Constant confusion on the set as contestants keep answering “I think it’s B, eh?”
• ‘Fastest Finger’ round limited to veterans of rush hour traffic in Montréal.
• Smart-ass know-it-all winner Alex Trebek of Sudbury, Ontario leads to show being re-titled “Cocky Night in Canada”.
• Show’s prize budget drastically reduced due to humongous cost of Pam Wallin’s makeup.
• No one comes up with an answer when contestants are asked to “Put these Canadian Senators in order, from the most important to the least.”
• Million-dollar winner dismayed when faced with $100,000 service charge to cash the cheque at a Canadian bank.

Episode 2 of CBS’ castaway game “Survivor” aired last night (in case you missed it, the contestants found out that human meat doesn’t REALLY taste like chicken, and that dead rodents make lousy tampons) . . . The ‘anti-Oscars’, “MTV Movie Awards”, handed out Saturday, air tonight – “The Matrix” wins ‘Best Movie’, ‘Best Male’ for Keanu Reeves & ‘Best Fight’, while Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair of “Cruel Intentions” win ‘Best Kiss’ (ooo!)  . . Britney Spears says she flatly refused an outlandish US$11 million offer to go to bed with a US businessman and vows she’ll be a virgin until she marries (talk about wasted resources).
Jim Carrey will star in “Phone Booth”, a drama about a guy who picks up a ringing phone and is told he’ll be shot if he hangs up (or if the phone booth goes under 50 mph) . . . Meantime his galpal Renee Zellweger has decided to pork on 15 lbs to play the lead in “Bridget Jones’ Diary” and she’s already 10 lbs toward it thanks to milkshakes and Snickers bars (soon she’ll qualify for “Big Momma 2″). . . Billy Crystal will star in “61”, story of the MLB home run derby of 1961, when Roger Maris & Mickey Mantle chased Babe Ruth’s 1927 record of 60 homers in a season (will there be a sequel about McGwire & Sosa called “99″?).

• Italian physics student Lino Missio has invented a condom that lets you know when it’s defective. If it breaks during usage, an electrical impulse triggers a microchip to play “Brahms’ Lullaby”. (What song would you have used? “”Oops! I Did It Again”?)
• Singers and dancers in Vietnam will now have to possess and show a professional license before performing on stage after hundreds failed government tests. (Several stand-up comedians lost their licenses for ‘joking under the influence’ and a local boy-band for ‘dangerous writhing’.)
• For some godforsaken reason, a Swedish inventor has developed an innovative new process to make paper — from elk dung. (Adding whole new meaning to “Who wrote this crap anyway?”)
• In an effort to prevent counterfeiting, a DNA sample scraped from the inside of an athlete’s mouth is being used to encode a special ink used on all official 2000 Olympics merchandise. (It’s the official spit of the Sydney Games.)


1925    [75] Barbara Bush, Rye NY, former US First Lady/George’s wife/George W’s mom
1933    [67] Joan Rivers (Molinsky), Brooklyn NY, loudmouth comedian/TV host (Academy Awards Pre-Show [“Who are you wearing?”]) NOTE: Seen her lately? She’s had so much cosmetic surgery she always looks surprised!
1944    [56] (William Royce) Boz Scaggs, OH, classic pop singer (Lowdown, Lido Shuffle)
1953    [47] Bonnie Tyler, Swansea WALES, classic pop singer (It’s a Heartache, Total Eclipse of the Heart)
1957     [43] Scott Adams, Windham NY, comic strip cartoonist (Dilbert)/author (The Dilbert Principle)
1966    [34] Julianna Margulies, Spring Valley NY, TV actress (ex-Nurse Carol Hathaway-ER)/movie actress (currently heard as voice of ‘Neera’ in Dinosaur)
1967    [33] Dan Futterman, TV actor (Vincent Gray-Judging Amy)
1970    [30] Kelli Williams, LA CA, TV actress (Lindsay Susanne Dole-The Practice)

[Jewish] Shavuot begins at sundown

Today is “Name Your Poison Day”, the origin of which remains a mystery, but we’ll drink to that!

The annual “Superman Celebration” flies today-Sunday in Metropolis IL, home of the ‘Superman Museum’. And yes, the local newspaper is actually named the “Planet”.
PHONER: 800-949-5740 (Becky Lambert)

1995    [05] Mike Harris elected Ontario premier
1998    [02] Jim Carrey drama “The Truman Show” tops movie box office
1998    [02] Actor Charlton Heston becomes National Rifle Association president

1824    [176] 1st practical ‘washing machine’ developed by Noah Cushing of Québec
1869     [131] 1st ‘vacuum cleaner’ patented by JW McGaffey of Chicago (it really sucked)

[Sat] Take a Kid Fishing Weekend (aka ‘Dad Can You Put the Worm on Weekend’)
[Sun] Banff Television Festival begins
Small Business Week (what Bill Gates will soon be celebrating)
International People Skills Month (my people skills are just fine, you jerks!)


Here’s a nifty little gimmick you can use with all kinds of storylines. You read the story line-by-line while a listener on the phone provides the sound effects. This story is called “The Last Day Of School”:
  The bell rings to start the day. (SFX) The kids sing the national anthem. (SFX) They aren’t happy when the teacher announces a test. (SFX) But when the teacher tells them they’ll all get As, the kids cheer. (SFX) The bell rings for lunch. (SFX) The kids cheer. (SFX) But they aren’t happy the cafeteria is serving meatloaf. (SFX) After lunch, Jason is feeling like he may be sick. (SFX) Then the bell rings for the last time before summer vacation. (SFX) And the teachers cheer! (SFX)

THE LAST WORD: The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.


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