Wednesday, June 17, 2009        Edition: #4042
Sheet Rocks!


Tonight singer/songwriter Kara DioGuardi is honored with the 2009 “Songwriter Icon Award” at the National Music Publishers Association annual dinner in NYC (more to do with being an “American Idol” judge than any song she wrote?) . . . Actor Mel Gibson’s pregnant Russian lover, Oksana Grigorieva, has released her first single, “Say My Name”, a tune co-written by Mel himself (can you ‘say her name’?) . . . Cops have decided not to pursue a criminal vandalism case against 28-year-old actress Jessica Alba over some ‘Save the Sharks’ posters that were plastered on private property in Oklahoma City because the star, who’s in town filming the movie “The Killer Inside Me”, has already made a public apology to locals (who understand how you can go stir crazy in Oklahoma) . . . Security is being stepped up on the set of Katie Holmes’ new film, “Don’t Be Afraid Of the Dark”, set to shoot in Melbourne, Australia (could a visit from the ‘robo-family’ be the reason?) . . . Jon and Kate of “Jon & Kate Plus 8” (TLC) have reportedly spent their 10th anniversary apart (guaranteeing plus-8 weeks of tabloid coverage & ratings) . . . Lindsay Lohan’s rep says the pseudo-actress will be ‘happy to co-operate‘ with police as they investigate the disappearance of $45,000-worth of jewelry from the set of her recent photo-shoot with British “Elle” magazine (BS translation: Of course she did it; she’s running out of other felonies to commit in order to get attention) . . . And aging model-turned-reality TV personality Janice Dickinson has received medical attention in a Costa Rica hospital after complaining of pains on the set of NBC-TV’s “I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here!” (turns out it was just a severe case of floppy fish lips caused by an overdose of collagen).


• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Keane (“Perfect Symmetry”).
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Alanis Morissette (“Flavors Of Entanglement”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Street Sweeper Social Club, the new project of Tom Morello (Audioslave, Rage Against the Machine).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The top 18 dancers perform.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Incubus (“Monuments & Melodies”).


• Katy Perry – Her attorneys are threatening legal action against an Australian fashion designer with the same name, though spelled differently. They’re demanding the ‘Katie Perry’ label be removed from the clothing line even though it was launched 2 years ago, before many had ever heard of the pop singer, who was born Katheryn Hudson. The designer is promising a fight.
• Nine Inch Nails – Frontman Trent Reznor has decided to call it quits, suggesting the weekend Bonnaroo Festival was the group’s final appearance. Quote: “I’m going to lose my mind if I keep doing this, and I have to stop.”
• Prince – “Spin” magazine pays tribute to his classic “Purple Rain” in its July issue. In addition to a cover story on the album & film’s 25th anniversary, a free downloadable tribute album will be available, entitled “Purplish Rain”.
• Tool – Maynard James Keenan’s side-business as a winemaker will be highlighted in a new documentary, “Blood Into Wine”, the story of how he & a partner began a vineyard in Arizona. The doc will get a limited release next year, with a soundtrack of original music from Keenan.
• Usher – He’s filed for divorce from Tameka Foster Raymond, less than 2 years after their glitzy wedding at a suburban Atlanta, Georgia resort in August 2007. They’ve reportedly been separated for months, and he’s relocated to Las Vegas where he’s recording his next album.


A BS snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 78% of swimmers suspect at least some of their pool peers are peeing in the water.
• 70% of office workers work in a cubicle … and it is shrinking.
• 65% of us admit we’ve skipped having a shower before entering a swimming pool.
• 53% of people who work in financial services have gained weight over the past year.
• 40% of women say they get a haircut immediately after breaking up with someone.
• 30% of us keep a cellphone nearby when going to bed at night.

A new listing of some of the biggest party animals in La-La Land …
5. Singer John Mayer (“Say”).
4. Actor Jeremy Piven (“Entourage”).
3. Newly-single actor Leonardo DiCaprio (“Revolutionary Road”).
2. Actor Gerard Butler (“300”).
1. Movie star George Clooney (“Burn After Reading”).
– Condensed from


A new “Company” magazine ranking of the UK’s most sterling studs …
5. Model Paul Sculfor (Cameron Diaz’s ex-BF.)
4. Comedian Noel Fielding (Creator of the stage/radio/TV comedy “Mighty Boosh”.)
3. Actor Robert Pattinson (“Twilight” movies.)
2. DJ George Lamb (Radio/TV personality who hosts “Big Brother’s Little Brother”.)
1. Prince Harry (The least stiff royal?)
– Sky News

We’ve seen a lot of strange things for sale online but this one is truly weird … spit. The seller on China’s equivalent of eBay claimed the saliva was a ‘tonic’ and was asking circa $3.30 for a small bottle. The loogy listing included photos of the ‘18-year-old pretty girls’ that the drool was supposedly taken from while they were sleeping. The listing has been quickly pulled before the shyster seller ever sold a single sample of spit. (What’s the oddest thing you’ve tried to sell?)


New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Agritourism’ – Vacationing on a farm or in a rural village, often voluntarily pitching in with chores. One way of doing it is ‘Wwoofing’, trading a few hours of farm labor for free food & accommodation through the World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (WWOOF) program.
• ‘Grey Nomads’ – Eccentric retired folks who perpetually coast around in RVs, boats, or maybe on motorcycles.
• ‘Funemployment‘ – A happy time when one is not employed and not wanting to be. These singles in their 20s & 30s are making the most of unemployment by using the time to travel, chill, and basically enjoy life.
• ‘Mancession’ – A new term reflecting the fact the recession is not into equal opportunity. Men’s jobs in America are disappearing at a faster rate than women’s. In fact, 80% of jobs lost in the past 2 years had been held by men. The gender gap is the largest ever seen in US labor stats, which go back to 1948.

• In Northolt, England a week-old pup is recovering after his 4-year-old owner decided it needed a bath and … flushed it down the toilet. The tiny Cocker Spaniel was trapped in a drain pipe for nearly 4 hours. After frantic rescue attempts by the RSPCA and the fire department failed, drain-cleaning company Dyno-Rod was called in and used special camera gear to locate the poor pup in a pipe 18 meters (60 ft) from the house where it was eventually rescued. The put-upon pet has since been named ‘Dyno’ after his rescuers.
• In Seattle WA a dog that ran off from its owner in Seward Park found and ate an entire stash of … cannabis. 11-year-old black Lab mix ‘Jack’ became stoned, his eyes were glossed over and he had trouble walking. A veterinarian confirmed he’d swallowed a large amount of dried, harvested marijuana. After medication to induce vomiting and a night of rest the pooch was back to normal. The owner has reported the stash to the cops and suggested they can borrow Jack to find it, if they pay the $1,500 vet bill.
– “NY Daily News”

A few famous folk who, rumor has it, are hygiene optional and could afford to cut back on ‘natural aroma’ …
5. Nirvana fortune spender Courtney Love. (She put the ‘skank’ in skanky!)
4. Stoned-out singer Amy Winehouse. (Resembles a dope-fiend bag lady. Come to think of it …)
3. Entrepreneurial twin Mary-Kate Olsen. (Infamous for her limp, lo mein noodle hair.)
2. Movie star Julia Roberts. (A total hippie who’ll reportedly go days without showering.)
1. “Twilight” movies actor Rob Pattinson (Eww! What’s that smell? Garbage? Rotten eggs?).
– Adapted from


• In Norway, they have an interesting tradition for celebrating high school graduation. Each year before final exams, graduating teens purchase and decorate old school buses or vans and then drive around the country celebrating the end of school in what’s know as ‘The Russ’. It lasts for nearly a month and can cost each student over $10,000. Many save up cash to fund the big bash, some even manage to nail down corporate sponsorships.
• Each year in Dunedin, New Zealand, tradition has it that 2 teams of rugby players go to battle … in the buff! But the ‘Nude Rugby International’, which began as a celebration of New Zealand’s “National Nude Day”, ran into a couple of problems this year: temperatures were reportedly cold enough to prove ‘embarrassing’ for the male participants; and the traditional game was delayed by an interruption when a streaker ran on to the pitch … fully-clothed.


• Canada once bordered Zimbabwe. That’s the conclusion of scientists using a new technique to piece together how the Earth’s continents were arranged 2.5 billion years ago.
– BBC News
• A new word in the English language is created every 98 minutes.
– Global Language Monitor


1943 [66] Barry Manilow (Pincus), Brooklyn NY, oldies singer who’s sold more than 76 million records worldwide (“I Write the Songs”, “Copacabana”)

1961 [48] Thomas Haden Church, El Paso TX, movie actor (“Imagine That”, “Spider-Man 3”)

1963 [46] Greg Kinnear, Logansport IN, movie actor (“Flash of Genius”, “Little Miss Sunshine”)/former TV personality (“Later With Greg Kinnear” 1994, E!’s “Talk Soup” 1991-94)

1980 [29] Venus Williams, Lynwood CA, #3-ranked pro tennis player with fastest recorded serve in WTA history (127 mph)/17 Grand Slam titles/older sister of tennis player Serena Williams


• “Eat Your Vegetables Day”, an observance likely begun by somebody’s mommy somewhere. What’s the absolute worst-tasting veggie? Broccoli? Brussels sprouts? Cabbage? Parsnips?

• “International Violin Day”, celebrating composer Igor Stravinsky’s birth anniversary in 1882. A good day to pluck your G-string.

• “World Day to Combat Desertification & Drought”, hifalutin UN terminology suggesting we may have a water shortage problem in many parts of the world.

1994 [15] California Highway Patrol begins a 60-mile, low-speed pursuit of murder suspect OJ Simpson in a white Ford Bronco driven by his friend Al Cowlings (the entire chase is covered by cameras in helicopters and seen live by a world-wide TV audience)


2005 [04] Coldplay’s “ X&Y” album hits #1 in 22 countries worldwide


1946 [63] 1st ‘Mobile Telephone Service’ is launched by Bell Telephone Co in St Louis, Missouri (and 1st driver is spotted weaving all over the road trying to drive & yack)

1994 [15] 1st ‘World Cup’ of soccer held in the USA opens in Chicago (eventually won by Brazil)


1871 [138] 7-ft, 5.5-inch Anne Swan of Nova Scotia weds 7-ft, 2.5-inch Martin Buren of Kentucky to become ‘World’s Tallest Couple’ (she calls him ‘Shawty’)

[Thurs] Recess At Work Day
[Fri] Virgin Festivals begin (Montréal QC)
[Fri] World Sauntering Day
[Sat] Skateboarding Day
[Sun] Fathers Day
[Sun] 1st Day of Summer
[Sun] MuchMusic Video Awards
This Week Is … Universal Fathers Week
This Month Is … Rebuild Your Life Month


• Subscribe her for spam, Cam.
• Don’t get her a rock, Spock.
• Stop drinking caffeine, Dean.
• Just pack up the Mac, Jack.
• Send SMS, Jess.
• Write a quick tweet, Skeet.
– Abridged from

If you wanted to look very sexy, how would you dress?

High school grads are currently in the midst of deciding what comes next. These may not be the safest options …
• ‘The British Columbia College of Chainsaw Juggling’
• ‘Chernobyl Polytechnic’
• ‘Massey University School of Base Jumping’
• ‘The Redneck Academy of Gator Wraslin’
• ‘The Sloan Institute of Drinking Expired Milk’
• ‘The Harvard School of Applied Mathematics & Running with Scissors’
• ‘Pandemic University’
– Thanks to an idea from Matt Cohen.


• This may be the least romantic online dating site. No dinner dates or other social graces needed, just the desperate yearning to ‘get at it’.
• Orthodox Jewish rabbis restrict online use to ensure followers avoid objectionable material. Enter ‘Koogle: The Kosher Search Engine’ which filters out forbidden sites, such as those with immodest photos of women or ads for taboo items like TVs. In case you’re thinking this might be cool for your kids, keep in mind the site is in Hebrew.

Why can’t you be a non-conformist like everyone else?


Today’s Question: We love to do THIS; we do it twice as much as the Italians; some experts say we do it too much.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wash our hair.


Success is a journey, not a destination.

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