Thursday, June 18, 2009       Edition: #4043
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
As a promotion for the new season of “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” (A&E), urinal cakes are being placed in public men’s rooms (no BS!) . . . According to “Hollywood Reporter”, Oscar-winning actor Sean Penn could be taking up to a year off from acting to concentrate on family matters, meaning he’s bowing out of 2 upcoming films, “Cartel” & “The Three Stooges” (oh no, no ‘nyuk, nyuk, nyuk’?) . . . Former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham is reportedly undergoing a ‘re-style’, having a breast reduction procedure to convert her 34DD bust to a more natural 34B (unfortunately, she had the excess inserted into her lips) . . . . MySpace (a unit of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp) has announced it’s cutting nearly 30% of its work force in a bid to become more efficient & bring its staffing more in line with its more popular rival, Facebook (we hear death knells) . . . The estate of little-known late British author Adrian Jacobs is suing JK Rowling claiming the 4th ‘Potter’ novel, “Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire”, was plagiarized from Jacobs’ 1987 book “The Adventures Of Willy the Wizard No 1: Livid Land” (Rowling can buy a billion’s-worth of legal help – good luck!) . . . A new PricewaterhouseCoopers report predicts the videogame industry in the US & Canada will grow at an average clip of 5.8% annually over the next 5 years, outstripping the growth of most other media . . . And Mrs Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, has found it necessary to blab in “Redbook” magazine that part of the secret of keeping married life stimulating is ‘getting intimate’ in the car, at your workplace, or at a friend’s house (OMG, change the sheets!).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Ben Harper (“White Lies For Dark Times”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – The Fray (“Never Say Never”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – French rock band Phoenix.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – 2 of the remaining 18 dancers are eliminated; Kristinia DeBarge performs “Goodbye”.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Dead Weather (“Horehound”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• The Beatles – The late George Harrison (d 2001) left behind a cache of incomplete tracks which former Electric Light Orchestra frontman Jeff Lynne has reportedly agreed to work on at the request of Harrison’s widow Olivia. (Who would like a new Bentley.)
• Chris Brown – His lawyer’s requested another delay in Brown’s assault case to ‘gain access to police records’. An attempt to delay proceedings last week was rejected by the appeals court. A decision on putting off the preliminary hearing scheduled for Monday is pending. (Instead of cowering behind legal mumbo jumbo, why not be a man? Admit you screwed up, step up to the plate, and take your punishment.)
• Flo Rida – He’s apologized for scrapping a string of dates in British Columbia without explanation earlier this month and reassured fans they’ll be rescheduled ASAP. The apology comes after the promoter threatened court action.
• Mariah Carey – Her 12th studio album, “Memoirs Of an Imperfect Angel”, is set to be released August 25th. The first single, “Obsessed”, is said to be a slapdown of Eminem for the insulting lyrics on his track “Bagpipes From Baghdad”. (Could you two just get along?)
• Sugarland – The country duo is the latest to give Walmart an exclusive release. The new CD/DVD set, “Live On the Inside”, will go on sale August 4th.
• Toby Keith – Tonight his 35-city “America’s Toughest Tour” begins in Holmdel NJ. Trace Adkins is also on the bill.
• Van Halen – Eddie Van Halen has filed a lawsuit against Nike, alleging they used the trademarked stripe design from his ‘Frankenstein’ guitar on the new line of ‘Dunk Lows’ shoes, which feature red, white & black streaks along the mid-sole. (You can trademark stripes?)
• White Stripes – Their 2007 tour of Canada will be spotlighted in a new documentary. During the unusual tour, they played concerts in every Canadian province & territory, as well as ‘surprise gigs’ in public places.

FUTURE FLICKS:
A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Indiana Jones 5” – Actor Shia LaBeouf has confirmed a 5th installment of the ‘Indiana Jones’ franchise is in the works. LaBeouf joined Harrison Ford in the last film, “Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of the Crystal Skull” last year. Rumors began swirling afterward that director Steven Spielberg planned to continue the franchise without Ford, passing the lead on to the young “Transformers” star. LaBeouf refuses to reveal any other details. (This is known as a ‘trial balloon’.)
• “John Carter of Mars” – This upcoming Disney adaptation of the Edgar Rice Burroughs books about a Civil War veteran who finds himself mysteriously transported to Mars will star Kelowna BC native Taylor Kitsch ( “Friday Night Lights”) & Lynn Collins (“True Blood”), who both appeared in the movie “Wolverine”. It’s hoped the big-budget production will launch a franchise on the scale of “Pirates of the Caribbean”. (Maybe, but planned blockbusters often flop.)
• Untitled Poker Movie – Leonardo Dicaprio is bringing his love of poker to the bigscreen as he explores the murky world of online gambling in a new movie. He’s already earned the respect of the world’s top players after participating in several high-stakes tournaments. The new script about Costa Rica-based Internet casinos is from the screenwriters of the 1998 poker-themed film “Rounders”. (Leo’s last box office hit – “The Departed” in 2006.)

BIZARRE BRAND EXTENSIONS:
Sometimes companies with super-successful brand names make the mistake of slapping the tag on something totally unrelated. A few of these ill-conceived present or past products …
• Bic Underwear: They made disposable pens, lighters, razors, and then … gotchies.
• Cheetos Lip Balm: Frito-Lay put the synthetic cheesy flavor in a tube of sticky stuff … mmm.
• Colgate Kitchen Entrées: These microwavable dinners didn’t last long. Too minty?
• Gerber Singles: Personal portions of pureed baby food for adults who’ve never grown up.
• Hooters MasterCard: Imagine whipping this out during a family outing!
• Lifesavers Soft Drinks: Came in 5 flavors but it seems consumers didn’t want drinkable candy.
• NASCAR Romance Novels: Written under a licensing deal with Harlequin Enterprises.
• Smith & Wesson Mountain Bikes: Perfect for those who like to ‘gun it’ downhill.
• Swiss Army Zip-Around Wallets: Do they feature fold-out bottle opener and toenail clippers?
– Extrapolated from MentalFloss.com.

SCIENTISTS SAY:

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … that ‘guilty look’ on a dog’s face is all in the imagination of its owner. While many dog owners claim they can read their pets’ expressions, researchers at New York’s Barnard College have proven that a dog’s facial look usually has no relation to behavior. (What about that relieved look after a visit to the backyard?)
– “Globe & Mail”
• Scientists say … women really are cleaner than men. In a new study, it was discovered that fully one third of men don’t regularly wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Only 12% of women skip sudsing up. (Eww, disgusto! We’ll never shake hands again.)
– Associated Press
• Scientists say … when it comes to friendships, men like to be around women who make wisecracks; but researchers at McMaster University in Hamilton ON have found that for romantic relationships men are more into women who laugh at their jokes. (So if you really like him … yuk it up!)
– “Cosmopolitan”

HOLLYWOOD’S NICEST:
Not all celebrities think they’re above the rest of us. Here’s a new listing of celebs who are super nice, always smiling, and actually appear grateful for their fame & fortune …
10. Ellen DeGeneres
9. Drew Barrymore
8. John Travolta
7. Johnny Depp
6. Tom Hanks
5. Amy Adams
4. Hugh Jackman
3. Reese Witherspoon
2. Sarah Jessica Parker
1. Will Smith
– StarPulse.com

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:

• Summer is nearly here and school’s out! Except for hundreds of poor students in Chino, California, who got the unwelcome news that they have to sit for 34 more days of school because of … a clerical mistake. A school principal admits that an error of about 5 minutes of classroom time per week means the school district would lose more than $7 million for failing to meet minimums. So now, to save bucks, the poor pupils have to stay in school until July 31st.
– “Los Angeles Times”
• An 18-year-old Belgian girl is suing a Romanian tattoo parlor for about $14,000 to pay for tattoo removal. The teen claims she requested 3 small stars on her face, then fell asleep during the procedure. She later woke up to find … a total of 56 stars covering her mug. She alleges the tattoo artist failed to understand her instructions in both French & English. The ink man, however, says she knew exactly what she wanted; the trouble only started because both her father and her boyfriend pitched a fit when she got home.
– Mail Online
• An ex-con in Miami FL who served time for money-laundering has now been charged for filing false claims with the Internal Revenue Service. 38-year-old Marlon T Moore filed 3 separate income tax returns seeking tax refunds of – wait for it – $5.95 trillion, $2.97 trillion, and $6 trillion … a total of $15 trillion. Prosecutors say he used fraudulent documents to support the claims.
– AHN

MOST STYLISH MEN:
A new ranking of fashionable fellas based on in-store polling by shirtmaker Thomas Pink …
10. Actor Will Smith.
9. 79-year-old director/actor Clint Eastwood.
8. Dead artist Andy Warhol.
7. Brit actor Bill Nighy.
6. Movie star George Clooney.
5. Veteran Hollywood actor Al Pacino.
4. ‘James Bond’ actor Daniel Craig.
3. Soccer star David Beckham.
2. Movie star & serial papa Brad Pitt.
1. US President Barack Obama.
– ABS-CBN News

DID YOU KNOW?

It’s now been scientifically proven … thinking too much makes your golf worse.
– “Metro”

BS CHRONOMETER 06.18.09


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [67] (Sir) Paul McCartney, Liverpool UK, rock billionaire (Wings-“Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey”, Beatles-“Let it Be”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1999)

1942 [67] Roger Ebert, Urbana IL, syndicated TV (“Ebert & Roeper”) & newspaper film critic (“Chicago Sun-Times” since 1967)/Hollywood Walk of Fame (2005)/recovering from thyroid cancer and, more recently, a hip fracture

1966 [43] Kurt Browning, Rocky Mountain House AB, figure skater (4-time Canadian Champ, 4-time World Champ)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2001)/Figure Skating Hall of Fame (2000)/Canadian Sports Hall of Fame (1994)/Order of Canada (1990)

1971 [38] Nathan Morris, Philadelphia PA, oldies singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”, “End of the Road”)

1976 [33] Blake Shelton, Ada OK, country singer (“She Wouldn’t Be Gone”, “Home”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Autistic Pride Day”, an annual celebration of the ‘neuro-diversity’ of people on the autism spectrum that’s designed to shift views of autism from ‘disease’ to ‘difference’.

• “Go Fishing Day” which, if you can pull it off, would allow you to post a sign on your door saying ‘Gone Fishing’. Work, after all, is for people who don’t know how to fish.

• “International Picnic Day” a great time to enjoy a meal al fresco, or if you don’t know him … with anyone else you choose. It’s a pseudo-holiday for humans but a regular working day for ants.

• “Recess At Work Day”. Hey, it works for school kids so why shouldn’t employees get a 15-minute break from the day-to-day routine to laugh, take a walk, watch a movie, or spend time with a fun team-building exercise? (Sounds like a ‘Michael Scott ‘ idea from “The Office”.)
NET: http://www.recessatworkday.com

• “Splurge Day”, when we’re encouraged to go out and do something indulgent. (Don’t go overboard, because tomorrow is ‘Return Everything You Bought on Splurge Day’.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .

1816 [193] 1st “Thanksgiving Day” celebrated in Upper Canada (later moved to October after people complain, “It’s too damn hot to roast a turkey in June!”)

1905 [104] The wooden chair that’s become a symbol of summer, the ‘Adirondack Chair’, is 1st patented by Harry Bunnell of Westport NY (we don’t have these in Canada … we have ‘Muskoka Chairs’)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1992 [17] Italian police arrest a man for stealing a total of 17,000 little bars of hotel soap

AND REMEMBER . . .

[Fri] “The Proposal”; “Whatever Works”; “Year One” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Virgin Festivals begin (Montréal QC)
[Fri] World Sauntering Day
[Sun] Fathers Day
[Sun] 1st Day of Summer
[Sun] 150th Queen’s Plate (Toronto)
[Sun] MuchMusic Video Awards
This Week Is … Fiddlers Week
This Month Is … Pest Control Month

BULL’S BITS


MORE REAL BUT REALLY DUMB FATHERS DAY GIFTS:
• ‘BBQ Sword’ – A grilling fork shaped like a sword, complete with hilt, so father can fearlessly spear sausage, chops, and steaks. Comes with a free musketeer mask! Price: $27.99.
• ‘Bent Nail Party Toothpicks’ – A real guy would never serve hors d’oeuvres using flimsy toothpicks with pretty paper tassels. These manly toothpicks look like slightly-used ten-penny carpentry nails. Stick that in your cocktail wienies! $7.99.
• ‘Big Daddy Driver’ – Looks just like an oversized golf driver but has a secret fully-functional weed whacker built into the head. Perfect for the pop who regularly slices into the rough. $39.99.
• ‘SipSac’ – An insulated brown bag that keeps a single beer can or bottle cool while camouflaging the contents. Brown bag dad’s beverage for only $2.95.
• ‘Triple Trouble Gag Golf Balls’ – Includes ‘The Exploder’ (blows up in a cloud of smoke); ‘The Jetstreamer’ (changes into 15 ft of streaming, spiraling ribbon on impact), and ‘The Unputtaball’ (wobbles, skids, and gyrates but never goes straight). A truly thoughtful $9.95 gift.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What product or service has been ‘improved’ that you’d rather hadn’t changed because the original was better? (Windows XP? Right Guard? Facebook? “Terminator”? MSN Messenger?)

BS RANDOM JOKE:

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS is the world’s most consumed fruit. (Think outside the box.)
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The coffee bean, the seed of the cherry-like coffee fruit.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


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