Monday, June 7, 2010        Edition: #4278
Sheet Happens!


• Today “Two-and-a-Half” actor Charlie Sheen heads back to court, seeking permission to spend part of his upcoming jail sentence …. teaching acting. He’s been sentenced to 30 days behind bars for assaulting his wife Brooke Mueller at their Aspen, Colorado ski retreat. The Pitkin County Sheriff’s Department has given him the go-ahead to serve out at least part of the time at Theatre Aspen, but a judge will have to sign off on the idea first.
• The 2010 celeb death count keeps mounting: Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman, the dude from Slipknot, Brittany Murphy’s husband, and now “Golden Girls” actress Rue McClanahan has died at age 76 in NYC. Her death is a shock because – as the star of a TV series about very old women that hasn’t been on television for almost 20 years – we sort of assumed that she was already dead.
• Actor David Carradine’s widow, Annie Bierman, is suing the producers of his final movie, “Stretch”, contending her husband would never have died if he had been properly looked after during filming in Thailand. The 72-year-old was found hanging in the closet of his Bangkok hotel room a year ago. Investigators found the cause of death to be ‘accidental asphyxiation’. Bierman is seeking unspecified damages.
• A man arrested on suspicion of stalking 25-year-old actress Keira Knightley has walked away from court scot-free because the star was … too busy to testify. The man was taken into custody in February after Knightley complained to police about his regular presence outside the London theater where she was performing in “The Misanthrope”. Knightley was subsequently given a series of possible dates to appear in court, but was ‘unavailable’ on each occasion.
• Simon Cowell will stage the TV event “World’s Got Talent” next year, starring 20 winning acts from around-the-globe. The Summer spectacular will be beamed to an estimated audience of 300 million. Contestants will be selected from more than 80 countries staging “… Got Talent” shows. UK network ITV and America’s NBC are onboard with the idea and a major sponsor has reportedly already been lined up. An inside source says this has been Simon’s career dream, to create the biggest reality show the world has seen.
• And  31-year-old actress Jennifer Love Hewitt (“Ghost Whisperer”) has felt it important to inform us that she still has a fondness for genital crystal decoration even though she’s no longer in a relationship after splitting from co-star Jamie Kennedy. Quote: “I vajazzle more for myself, so I have that secret sparkle that no one knows about.”


• “Celebrity Softball Challenge” (Nashville TN) – Tonight CMA Music Week’s 20th annual City of Hope fundraiser features participation from country stars Carrie Underwood, Craig Morgan, Jason Aldean, Joe Nichols, Justin Moore, Luke Bryan, and Vince Gill.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated) – Usher (“Raymond v Raymond”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – Rob Zombie (“Hellbilly Deluxe 2”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Mishka (“Talk About”).
• “Last Comic Standing” (NBC) – The stand-up comedy competition returns as auditions begin in Los Angeles.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC) – Kings of Convenience (“Declaration of Dependence”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – “American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze, who sang the anthem prior to last night’s Game 2 of the NBA Finals between the Lakers and Celtics.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Hanson (“Shout It Out”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – Former “American Idol” music director Rickey Minor makes his debut as Kevin Eubanks’ replacement; Hole (“Nobody’s Daughter”).
• “VH1 Hip Hop Honors: The Dirty South” (VH1) – The 7th annual awards gala, pre-taped in NYC, salutes the rap scenes in Atlanta, Miami, New Orleans, and Texas. Performances include Drake, Flo Rida, Game, Pitbull, TI, Timbaland, and 2 Live Crew.
• “The View” (ABC) – Train (“Save Me San Francisco”).


• Arcade Fire – Tonight the indie rockers kick off a Summer tour in support of their 3rd album, “The Suburbs”, in Sherbrooke, Québec, Canada. The trek then plays 6 European dates before returning to cris-cross Canada and the US.
• Brad Paisley – He’s getting his own signature guitar model courtesy of Gibson. The new ‘Brad Paisley J-45 Model’ is a custom-appointed acoustic guitar based on his specific preferences.
• Keith Urban – Today he appears live on his website at 6 pm EDT to chat with fans. A press release suggests ‘no question will be off limits’. (How about, “Did your wife really birth a child?”)
• Miley Cyrus – The 17-year-old’s latest attempt to shed her teeny-bop image is simulating a lesbian kiss with a backup dancer while performing her new single “Can’t Be Tamed” in a skimpy outfit on Simon Cowell’s “Britain’s Got Talent” show. (Who’s advising this girl?)
• Miranda Lambert – “The House That Built Me” tops the “Billboard” country songs chart this week.
• Rick Astley – Today the Brit pop singer releases his first mainstream single in 17 years, “Lights Out”. His fame in recent years has been limited to the online prank of being ‘Rick-Rolled’ … surreptitiously linked to his ‘80s hit “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
• Rush – They’re claiming Kentucky Republican US Senate candidate Rand Paul has been using their music at campaign events without permission. Their attorney says it’s not a political issue, it’s a copyright issue.
• Stone Temple Pilots – They’ve announced a run of North American tour dates, starting August 7th in Winnipeg at the Canadian edition of “Rock On the Range”.

After a study of hundreds of married couples, psychologist Dr Benjamin Karney claims the key to a successful marriage doesn’t appear to be good communication or honesty but … self-delusion! Satisfied couples tend to remember the past as being worse than it really was, he says, which makes their present situation seem better. Many couples who say their marriages are growing better actually show more evidence that things are getting worse.
– “Social Studies”

• Australian RJ Duncan of Palmerston, Northern Territory claims his cat ‘Mischief’ can speak English … 7 words of it as a matter of fact. His spicy vocabulary purportedly includes ‘mom’, ‘no’, ‘now’, ‘what’, ‘why’, ‘prick’ and ‘f***’. Listen here to see if you agree …
• A German sewage plant has unveiled a new method of speeding up the bio-degrading process … playing Mozart to its microbes. It’s thought that playing classics stimulates activity among the tiny organisms that break down waste, thereby driving down energy costs at the waste-treatment facility.
– Orange News
• The Wyre Borough Council in Lancashire, England has seized ‘Gucci’, an obese bull terrier from her home and … sent her to fat camp. The council obtained a court order to take the 56-lb dog after a local vet expressed concern for her well-being and repeatedly warned her owners. The pooch is reportedly so big that she waddles and has sores from supporting her own weight.
– “Daily Mail”
• An 18-month simulated trip to Mars is underway in Moscow, Russia. 6 aspiring cosmonauts from Europe and China will spend 520 days sealed inside interconnected steel cylinders called the ‘Bochka’ (barrel) at the Institute of Biomedical Problems. The ‘Mars500 Project’ is designed to reveal how humans will cope with prolonged space flight. The men can only contact the outside world via email.


A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … If we all breathed a little less, it would make a huge difference to the environment. University of Bristol researchers calculate that if we all held just 1 breath in 3, we’d stop circa 700 million tons of carbon dioxide from entering the atmosphere every year. (You know, this is the kind of logical thinking that makes science seem so worthwhile.)
• Scientists say … The more entertaining the TV program we’re viewing, the more we eat. That’s the conclusion of Chicago’s Smell & Taste Treatment & Research Foundation. (In that case, we should all weigh 82 lbs.)
• Scientists say … Left-handed women may have a shorter life-span. Dutch researchers have leapt to that conclusion after noting that lefties seem to be under-represented in older age groups of women. (Uh guys, up until 50 years ago lefties were routinely switched over to righties in school. Think that might ‘splain it?)
• Scientists say … The physical act of laughing provides a solid upper-body workout. It involves a slew of muscles, including those in the diaphragm, abdomen, respiratory system, face, leg and back. (So quit sweating it out at the gym. Take in a comedy club!)

• The pitching diagrams on the ‘Wiffle Ball’ box are backwards to this day. That’s because a left-handed pitcher originally showed the graphic artist how he gripped the ball to throw a slider and a curve, but the artist mistakenly drew the ball in a right hand. The diagrams have never been changed as the company has only ever received 2 letters about it.
• The ‘Labradoodle’ cross-breed was created in 1988 by Australian dog breeder Wally Conron. He now says he regrets doing so.


1940 [70] Tom Jones (Sir Thomas John Woodward), Pontypridd, Wales, oldies singer (“Help Yourself”, “It’s Not Unusual”)

1952 [58] Liam Neeson, Ballymena, Northern Ireland, movie actor (“Chronicles of Narnia”, “Batman Begins”)  COMING UP: “The A-Team”, opening Friday.

1958 [52] Prince (Prince Rogers Nelson), Minneapolis MN, pop singer (“Purple Rain”, “When Doves Cry”)

1966 [44] Eric Kretz, San Jose CA, rock drummer (Stone Temple Pilots-“Between the Lines”, “Trippin’ On a Hole In a Paper Heart”)

1967 [43] Dave Navarro, Santa Monica CA, rock guitarist (Jane’s Addiction, ex-Red Hot Chili Peppers)/wed to actress Carmen Electra (2003-06)

1988 [22] Michael Cera, Brampton ON, Canada, movie actor (“Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist”, “Juno”) UP NEXT: “Scott Pilgrim vs The World”, opening August 13th.


• Attitude Day”. Attitudes are contagious … is yours worth catching? Why not knock off with the ‘tude for just one lousy day and try to be easier to get along with?

• “Chocolate Ice Cream Day”, celebrating one of the most popular flavors, but not THE most popular flavor. That honor still goes to vanilla, favorite of 29% of us. Chocolate is runner-up at 8.9%.

• “Pet Appreciation Week”, set aside to ‘remember our pet companions who mean so much to us and do something special for them’.
• Return the favor … lick your dog’s face.
• Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.
• Just for a change, bring your cat a dead bird.
• Make a real effort to learn how to purr.
• Eat lots of cabbage so you can contribute to the household methane production.
• Learn to relate … eat dinner on the floor.
• Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.
• Join the fun … sniff your neighbor’s butt, then bite the mailman.


1975 [35] 1st ‘Home VCR’ (Sony’s ‘Betamax’ sells for the exorbitant price of $995, even though it only records for a maximum of 1 hour)


1993 [17] Prince celebrates his birthday by changing his name to a circle with a curved line below as a protest over his recording contract (for several years he is announced on radio as the ‘artist formerly known as Prince’)

1989 [21] 1st Major League Baseball game to start outdoors and end indoors as Toronto’s Skydome roof closes during a game (now known as Rogers Centre)

[Tues] “Glee” season finalé (FOX)
[Tues] “Green Day: Rock Band” videogame release
[Tues] World Ocean Day
[Tues] Best Friends Day
[Wed] 2010 CMT Music Awards (Nashville)
[Thurs] CMA Music Festival Fan Fair 2010 begins (Nashville)
[Thurs] FIFA World Cup Kick-Off Celebration Concert (Johannesburg)

Automotive Service Professionals Week / Business Etiquette Week / Headache Awareness Week / International Clothesline Week / Pet Appreciation Week / Sun Safety Week / World Dystonia Awareness Week


A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Kellogg’s Fruit ‘n’ Flounder
• Throat-Sized Cheerios
• Cap’n Flaccid
• Frosted Mini-Pads
• Post Honeycomb-Over
• Ordinary K
• Kellogg’s Factory Floor Mystery Crunch
• Shredded Wheaton Terrier
• Post Moose-Nuts


• The Incas used to treat headaches by bleeding themselves between the eyebrows. (Truth. This is “Headache Awareness Week” – give it a try!)
• French fries were invented in France. (BS, probably Belgium. In culinary lingo, food cut into strips is said to be ‘frenched’ [just like you were at the high school prom].)
• Pirates used to wear earrings because they thought it improved their eyesight. (Truth. In that case, what does hanging one on your nostril do?)


You can hire any entertainer of any kind for your upcoming backyard BBQ bash. Who do you pick?


You know you live in a small town when the guy at the local convenience store speaks English.


Today’s Question: 7 out of every 1,000 people worldwide are doing THIS right now.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Getting drunk.


Middle age is when you smile at things that used to make you laugh.

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