Wednesday, June 16, 2010                Edition: #4285
Have Another Sheetload!

Nominations for this year’s “Teen Choice Awards” have been unveiled, with “Gossip Girl” (CW)  scoring a leading 6, while Miley Cyrus and “Avatar” actress Zoe Saldana lead individual nominees with 3 apiece (Katy Perry hosts August 8th) . . . After allegedly being assaulted by a woman with a baseball bat, Bam Margera has been released from a Philadelphia PA medical facility and flown to LA to continue filming the movie sequel “Jackass 3-D” (the opening sequence in which he was to take a series of blows to the head has been axed) . . . Famous person Lindsay Lohan reportedly desperately wants to guest on “True Blood” (HBO) but cast member Ryan Kwanten says that’s not going to happen ‘in the foreseeable future’ (BS translation: On this show we actually show up on the set to work) . . . Paula Abdul tells online gossip site PopEater she thinks Simon Cowell’s mother should replace him as a judge on “American Idol” (nice to see she’s as flaky as ever) . . . Former “The Hills” couple Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt are now accusing each other of having affairs, with Heidi going so far as to hire a private investigator (these two deserve each other) . . . New photos show that actor Brad Pitt has finally shaved off the scraggly gnome beard that he’s been sporting for months, something he tells “US Weekly” he grew out of ‘boredom’ (37 kids running around and he’s bored?) . . . And MTV is looking to hire its first ‘Twitter Jockey’, a social media aficionado who will regularly connect with the MTV audience after 5 finalists compete for the ‘TJ’ job and its 6-figure salary on a live show August 8th (the term ‘VJ’ is so 20 years ago).


• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Devo (“Something for Everybody”).
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Anne Murray (“All of Me”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Gossip (“Music for Men”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Gaslight Anthem (“American Slang”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Deer Tick (“The Black Dirt Sessions”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Charice (“Charice”).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The finalists are paired with their all-star dancers to perform.
• “Sonisphere Festival” – This traveling rock extravaganza opens tonight at Bemowo Airport in Warsaw, Poland. The ‘Big Four’ of thrash metal – Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax – are sharing the same stage for the first time ever during this Summer tour of Europe.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Matisyahu (“Light”).
• “TV’s Greatest Surprises: A Paley Center for Media Special” (CBS) – Jeff Probst (“Survivor”) counts down the 30 biggest surprises in prime-time television history.

• Coldplay – They originally turned down a request to have their music used on hit TV show “Glee” (FOX) but have now backtracked and offered show creator Ryan Murphy access to their full catalogue. The band has also admitted they ‘were wrong’ for snubbing the opportunity.
• Drake – Aubrey Drake Graham has effectively transcended to a hip-hop star from his earlier show biz persona as wheelchair-bound high schooler ‘Jimmy’ on TV drama “DeGrassi: The Next Generation” (2001-08).
• Garth Brooks – New dates for September-through-November have been announced for his ongoing gig in the Encore Theater at Wynn Las Vegas. Tickets go on sale this Saturday.
• Michael Jackson – An as-yet-untitled console videogame will challenge users to imitate his dance routines as well as sing along to his best-known songs. The game’s expected to be out in time for this year’s holiday season.
• Rolling Stones – 63-year-old guitarist Ronnie Wood has been given permission to wed his 30-year-old Brazilian girlfriend, Ana Araujo, by her father. 57-year-old Manuel Pinto says she’s old enough to make her own decisions, but he would like to actually meet Ronnie one day.
• U2 – “Daily Mail” reports that bassist Adam Clayton is suing the band’s own financial manager for negligence. Sources suggest the suit may be tied to a recent case involving Clayton’s ex-housekeeper, who allegedly defrauded him out of some 1.8 million euros.

• Rehoboth Beach, Delaware – A gaggle of transgender women who recently caused a stir by removing their tops to reveal their surgically enhanced breasts apparently did nothing illegal. The local police chief says they can’t be charged with indecent exposure for showing their breasts since … they have male genitalia. (It’s complicated.)
– AP
• Bali, Indonesia – An 18-year-old who was caught having relations with a cow claims it only happened because the bovine ‘seduced him’. The village chief has sentenced the young man to undergo a cleansing ritual; awarded the owner of the cow the equivalent of $562; and ordered the beast drowned in the sea to rid the village of bad luck. (Anyway you look at it, the cow gets screwed.)
• Grasellenbach, Germany – A dispute between 60-something neighbors who’ve been locked in a bitter feud for 20 years has turned bloody after one took a bucket of water and poured it over the other for making so much noise with his weed whacker. The drenched man then retaliated with the power trimmer, causing multiple injuries …. below the waist. (Needless to say, neither is whacking his weed anymore.)
– “The Local”


A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 82% of women admit they snoop through their partner’s stuff when starting a new relationship.
• 60% of women consider themselves a ‘great lover’.
• 49% of people who own DVRs actually watch the commercials.
• 45% of dieters do not tell their partners when they cheat on it.
• 15% of guys say they would wear makeup to work if it guaranteed them a 25% raise.
• 4% of men wear bow ties.

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … we need noise. The human ear seems to need a workout to stay in shape.  “New Scientist” reports that city dwellers have better hearing than those in quiet, rural areas.
• Scientists say … less-educated people have fewer stressful days, according to a recent study at Wake Forest University in North Carolina.
• Scientists say … women who cheat can’t help it, it’s in their genes! British scientists have found that a woman’s infidelity trait may be linked to particular genes inherited from parents.


New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Boondocking’ – To stay in a recreational vehicle in a remote location without water & electric hookups. (“If you’re boondocking by the Grand Canyon in your RV, it’s best to make sure you’re not also sleepwalking.”)
• ‘Farmscraper’ – A high-rise building used for growing crops. (“Corn is on the 5th floor, just above men’s wear.”)
• ‘Nutmeg’ – Soccer slang for when an attacker moves forward by passing the ball through an opponent’s legs. (“Cameroon scores! Did you see his nutmeg before he peppered the ball on goal?”)

Even if you permanently park your car, you’ll still be using oil. Your sneakers and bike have petroleum products in them. Sure, you can shut off the A/C, but the electric fans you switch to have plastic from oil and gas in them. And the insulation to keep your home cool also started as oil and gas. Without all that, you will sweat and it’ll be all too noticeable because deodorant comes from oil and gas, too. You can’t even escape petroleum products with a nice, cool fast-food milkshake, because it probably has a petrochemical-based thickener. Petrochemicals are the glue of our modern lives … and they’re in glue, too. (Sneaker milkshake, anyone?)
– AP


Just like sports commentators elsewhere, announcers in India have distinctive expressions to describe sports action. A few English translations from broadcasts of the game of cricket …
• “The batsman has a royal stroke.”
• “His bat is roaring like a lion!”
• “Runs are flowing from his bat like water from the Ganges River.”
• “[Losing team] is tumbling over like a row of bicycles without their stands.”
– “Wall Street Journal”


• Research at the University of California at San Diego suggests that babies more often look more like their fathers until age 1, but that often changes afterward.
• Career experts say that the first person to be interviewed gets the job 17% of the time, but the last person to be interviewed gets hired 55% of the time. So in order to maximize your chances, you should schedule your interview for late in the day.


1952 [58] Gino Vanelli, Montréal QC, CanCon oldies singer (“Black Cars”, “I Just Wanna Stop”)

1970 [40] Phil Mickelson, San Diego CA, pro golfer (38 PGA tour wins/4 major championships)

1972 [38] John Cho, Seoul, South Korea, TV actor (‘Demetri Noh’ on “FlashForward” since 2009)/movie actor (“Star Trek” 2009, “Harold & Kumar” movies)  UP NEXT: “A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas” (2011)

1988 [22] Keshia Chanté (Harper), Ottawa ON, R&B/pop singer (“Bad Boy”, “Unpredictable”)


• “Fresh Veggies Day”, a good day to add some crunch to your lunch!

• “Fudge Day”. Is this to make up for the fresh veggies or something?

• “International Day Of the African Child”, celebrated on June 16  since 1991, when it was first initiated by the Organization of African Unity. It honors those who participated in the Soweto Uprising on this day in 1976 and seeks to raise awareness of the continuing need for improvement of education provided to African children.

• “Morticians Day”, saluting undertakers and all others who work in the funeral or cemetery biz. Don’t stiff out on saluting them … people are dying to throw them a party!

• “National Public Service Week”, observed annually during the 3rd week of June to recognize ‘the many ways in which the members of Canada’s federal public service contribute to the quality of life we enjoy’. (No laughing!)

1960 [50] Alfred Hitchcock thriller “Psycho” premieres (the shower scene is still considered a horror classic)


2002 [08] Elvis Presley appears on the UK singles chart for the first time since his death with a remix of his 1968 track “A Little Less Conversation”, credited to Elvis vs JXL (later jumps the pond to become a hit in North America)

1998 [12] Estimated 2 million people watch 1st ‘Live Birth’ online (would this qualify as a download?)


1991 [19] John Decker of Cheshire, England does 7,683 one-arm pushups in 5 hours

1992 [18] ‘World’s Largest Salami’ measures 69-ft, 25-ins in circumference, and weighs 1,492 lbs (Flekkefjord, Norway)


[Thurs] Songwriters Hall of Fame Awards (NYC)
[Thurs] Recess at Work Day
[Fri] “Jonah Hex”; “Toy Story 3” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Work@Home Father’s Day
[Sat] World Juggling Day
[Sat] World Sauntering Day
[Sun] Fathers Day
[Sun] MuchMusic Video Awards (Toronto)
[Sun] Family Awareness Day
[Sun] World Refugee Day
This Week Is … Meet a Mate Week
This Month Is … Lane Courtesy Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-a-day like multiple vitamins.
• Aries – If at first you don’t succeed, blame it on the sales manager’s stupid ideas.
• Taurus – A friend will tell you that she’s been born again. You should probably avoid asking if she’s breast feeding or on formula.
• Gemini – You will meet someone who you haven’t seen in a long time and will barely recognize them … at least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
• Cancer – Everybody has their demons. Most people don’t talk to them during department meetings, however.
• Leo – A romantic episode will take you by surprise. The important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers is NOT to suggest having a ‘fling’.
• Virgo – You will receive a ‘Dear John’ letter from a loved one today but, much to your relief, your name isn’t ‘John’.
• Libra – You’ve noticed that it’s getting harder and harder to get a good night’s sleep. This is partially due to the Moon moving into secular orbit #7; it’s also due to the nest of centipedes in your mattress.
• Scorpio – No matter what the waiter says, finding a human finger in your gazpacho is NOT a sign of good luck.
• Sagittarius – All’s fair in love and war. Unfortunately, loser, you personally are neither in love nor at war.
• Capricorn – When your lover starts wearing more clothes to bed than to work, it’s a good guess that your happiness is close to being over.
• Aquarius – You will learn an important lesson in life this evening. Never insist on chopsticks in an Italian restaurant.
• Pisces – Time to set new goals for yourself. Somehow winning the ‘World Series of Computer Solitaire’ just isn’t that satisfying.

• ‘Antler Toilet Paper Holder’ – The hunter dad will love this deer gear for the bathroom. $18.95
• ‘Microphone Shower Sponge’ – For the pop who does karaoke in the shower. $5.95
• ‘Candom Can Cooler’ – Yup, roll-on beer can coolers shaped like giant condoms. $4.95
• ‘Fanny Floss’ – The floss proctologists recommend most for those hard to reach areas. $4.99
• ‘The Finger Nose Hair Trimmer’ – A finger-shaped clipper … how classy! $9.95
• ‘Giant Fish Pillows’ – Dad can sleep with the fishes, either a 4-ft-long Bluegill, Walleye, or Pike. $18.95.
• ‘Binoculars Flask’ – Double vision for the father who finds nature intoxicating. $14.95


Clouds are just high flying fogs.


What’s the most unusual tourist attraction you’ve come across?


Today’s Question: In an average lifetime, we spend a total of 6 months talking about THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The weather.


People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.

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