Thursday, June 8, 2006        Edition: #3301
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

TODAY through Sunday is the 35th “CMA Music Festival” (the formerly better-titled “Fan Fare”) in Nashville TN, the annual country star meet-‘n-greet which also includes some odd events like “Andy Griggs’ Celebrity Archery Tournament” & the “Michael Peterson Celebrity Tractor Race” . . . The “CMA Festival’s” opening night show features Brooks & Dunn, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and Hank Williams Jr . . . TONIGHT Jessica Alba hosts the pre-taped “MTV Movie Awards”, which will pass out several ‘Golden Buckets’ each to “Brokeback Mountain” (‘Best Performance’, ‘Best Kiss’) & “Wedding Crashers” (‘Best Film’, ‘Best Screen Team‘) . . . The “MTV Movie Awards” pre-show is hosted by Rihanna & Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy and features a live performance by Wolfmother . . . TONIGHT the 34th annual “AFI Life Achievement Award” will be presented to 75-year-old acting veteran Sean Connery at a gala tribute in Los Angeles . . . ABC-TV has cancelled the planned summer series “Buy it Now”, in which people would put prized possessions up for online auction, because eBay backed out of the project (that’s the 2nd eBay-related show that’s failed to pan out) . . . But ABC is still looking at “Action Heroes Inc”, starring geezers Lee Majors (“Six Million Dollar Man”), William Shatner (“Boston Legal”) & Robert Wagner (“Hart to Hart”) as ex-TV heroes who form a detective agency, as a potential TV-movie series (what, they couldn’t get “The Return of Matlock”?) . . . Parentally-challenged Britney Spears has hired a male nanny – some have dubbed him a ‘manny’ – to help take care of baby Sean Preston (his main job is to put the helmet on each morning) . . . And friends of Kevin Federline insist that Britney Spears & K-Fed are still a couple even though they were last photographed together on MARCH 25th at his birthday party in Atlanta (in paparazzi terms, that’s a flippin’ lifetime!).

• Barry Manilow – His music’s being played on loudspeakers in public areas of the tough Rockdale suburb of Sydney, Australia as a method of getting young hooligans to move along. Seems to be working!
• Beyoncé Knowles – She’s being lined up to play 79-year-old iconic singer/actress Eartha Kitt in a biopic that’s being developed, a casting idea that’s received the aging diva’s seal of approval.
• David Lee Roth – TONIGHT he appears on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Jason Mraz – TODAY he‘s a guest on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (CityTV).
• Kelly Clarkson – TODAY she does daytime TV talk show “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• Lee Ann Womack – TODAY she hosts her annual fan club party during the “CMA Music Festival” in Nashville TN.
• Rihanna – TONIGHT she performs “SOS” on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• The Who – JUNE 17th the classic rockers kick off their 2006 World Tour with a re-creation of their legendary 1970 UK concert at Leeds University which spawned a live album.

• “The Blood Diamond” – The World Diamond Council is gearing up to launch a massive ad campaign to counter allegations in this upcoming film starring Leonardo DiCaprio & Djimon Hounsou. The movie, set to launch in JANUARY, suggests that profits from so-called ‘conflict diamonds’ are being used by African dictators to fund wars.
• “Dallas” – Seems there’s only room for one Jennifer in the movie based on the hit ‘80s TV show. It’s said that Jennifer Garner was offered the role of ‘Pamela Ewing’ but she turned it down when she learned her hubby Ben Affleck’s ex-fiancée Jennifer Lopez would be playing ‘Sue-Ellen’. Hey, those two playing sisters-in-law might generate enough sparks to actually make this muck worth seeing!
• “Dukes of Hazard 2″ – Actress April Scott, whose claim to fame is being ‘Model #14′ on “Deal or No Deal”, will replace Jessica Simpson as a young ‘Daisy Duke’ in the upcoming prequel to last summer’s film. Producer Bill Gerber had previously suggested “Laguna Beach” star Kristin Cavallari would get the role. No word on which sub-compact will play the young ‘General Lee’.
• “My Blueberry Night” – The cast for Hong Kong director Wong Kar-wai’s English debut just keeps getting bigger. Oscar-winner Kevin Spacey and oft-nominated Ed Harris have now joined the already illustrious cast that includes Jude Law, Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman, and singer Norah Jones. The credits are gonna run a half-hour!
• “Tennessee” – Mariah Carey is chomping at the bit to start work on her next movie. This is the film for which Janet Jackson purportedly piled on pounds to play a waitress, then had to drop out when it affected her musical comeback. Producer Lee Daniels decided to replace her with Mariah after seeing the indie film “Wise Girls”, though he admits he never saw Carey’s infamous 2001 flop flick “Glitter”. Maybe he just figures she’s the person with potential to bulk up quick!.
TODAY the annual “All Candy Expo” wraps in Chicago IL, the largest confectionery show in North America where new and truly unusual products are showcased. Some of this year’s wacky new treats …
• ‘Botticelli Choco-Omeg’ – Your daily fix of chocolate jacked up with healthful omega-3 fatty acids. Just what you need … another excuse to pig out!
• ‘Bubble Wrap Chocolate’ – Take a taste and you get a second sensation as it pops on your tongue. Problem is, people addicted to popping bubble wrap will never be able to quit long enough to get this stuff to their mouths.
• ‘Monster Memos’ – An edible, sweetened-wafer, paper candy that comes with a pen containing food-coloring ink so you can write, read … and then eat your words. Perfect for wannabe spies.
• ‘Pure Beauty Strips’ – Candy with skin-nutritive ingredients that purportedly plumps up your skin. It comes in 3 flavors (treatments?): ‘Pure Beauty Collagen’, ‘Pure Beauty Ceramide’ & ‘Pure Beauty Hyaluronic Acid’. Apparently ‘Botox Face-Freeze’ is yet to be developed.
• ‘Sports Beans’ – New energy jelly beans from the Jelly Belly people that provide portable power from carbs, electrolytes & vitamins. We’ll know they’re a hit when victorious football players start dumping them on coaches.
• ‘Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Sour Chew Bar’ – Horrendously sour candy that’ll give you something serious to pucker up about. Hazmat suit sold separately.
• ‘Tung Toos’ – Hey kids, just lick a sweet or sour ‘Too’ and voila! You’ve got a temporary tattoo on your tongue. Step 1 on the wayward road to a tongue stud.
PHONER: 703.790.5750 (Susan Fussell, National Confectioners Association, Vienna VA)

• A 64-year-old Austrian farmer who accidentally sliced off his hand with a log-splitter cleverly packed it in his insulated lunchbox, climbed on his tractor and drove 3 miles home. His wife put the severed hand in the fridge and it was later successfully reattached by surgeons in hospital. (“Mom, what’s this crunchy stuff in the fridge that tastes like chicken?”)
• India’s eunuchs are calling for a fair share of government jobs after centuries of social rejection and ridicule. India’s estimated 500,000 castrated men receive no government compensation or recognition. Their only means of support is to crash weddings or family occasions to dance and sing until the hosts pay them to go away. (Sort of like when [co-host] emcees an event.)
• Seeking to popularize the study of the stars, Japanese astronomer  Masaaki Hiramatsu has invented – astronomical toilet paper. Each 28 inches of tissue depicts the birth, life, and death of a star through words and pictures. And it’s surprisingly popular, selling more than 13,000 rolls over the past year. (Thereby wiping the competition.)

Genghis Khan has been hailed by a group of academics as the true founder of globalization. The experts, gathered in China to celebrate the 800th anniversary of the founding of the notorious warrior’s empire, say he contributed more to the concept than any ruler before him. While we might think of globalization as selling Coca-Cola in Calcutta or Starbucks in Shanghai, it seems the process actually dates back to Genghis Khan’s empire. (But people didn’t protest then cuz they’d get slaughtered.)
– “China Daily”

Scientists at Sony’s Tokyo labs are working to redesign comparatively bulky electronic devices so that they’ll fit into small pockets. The plan is to create handheld computers, cellphones and portable game consoles that fold up for carrying but quickly become rigid for use. The body and screen of the folding gadgets will be made from flexible material that becomes erect as rubber bracing fills with a silicone gel. (Whatever you’re thinking right now is really disgusting.)
– “Wired”

According to a new survey by consumer research company JD Power & Associates, the main reasons we settle on a particular cellphone are ‘price’ and ‘appearance’. Few respondents say they picked their current phone because it had a particular hi-tech feature. It seems advanced features just aren’t moving cellphones even though more users are adopting them, likely because they don’t have a choice. (We still say there’d be a huge market for a user-friendly phone that does nothing but make and receive calls.)
– “PC World”

You’ve no doubt heard that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Now it seems that if it includes orange or grapefruit juice, you’ll have better odds your bones will never crack up. In Texas A&M University testing, orange and grapefruit juice regularly given to lab rats prevented osteoporosis, long considered an unavoidable aging disease in which bones become more brittle. (The research was carried out at the college’s Minute Maid School of Medicine.)
– ANI Health & Science

A ‘sneeze-free cat’ that does not trigger an allergic reaction in humans has been created. The ultimate designer pet has been developed by California-based Allerca Lifestyle Pets which used selective breeding to produce what it bills as the world’s first hypoallergenic cat. The company claims the breakthrough will provide much-needed relief for the millions of cat-lovers who suffer from feline allergies … at a price of $3,950 per feline! (Now if they could just make ‘em cough up cash in hairballs …)
– “The Scotsman”


1925 [81] Barbara Bush, Rye NY, former US First Lady/George Sr’s wife/Dubya’s mommy

1933 [73] Joan Rivers (Molinsky), Brooklyn NY, loudmouth comedian/TV talk show host (“Joan Rivers: Can We Dish?”, debuting OCTOBER 1st on Bravo)

1957 [49] Scott Adams, Windham NY, comic strip cartoonist (“Dilbert”)

1958 [48] Keenen Ivory Wayans, NYC, movie producer/director/screenwriter (“White Chicks”)/movie actor (“Scary Movie”)/brother of Shawn, Damon, Marlon & Kim Wayans

1978 [28] Kanye West, Atlanta GA, rap artist (“Gold Digger”, “Jesus Walks”)

1983 [23] Kim Clijsters, Bilzen, Belgium, #2-ranked women’s pro tennis player

“Name Your Poison Day”. Let’s say you can have all you want of one bad-for-you thing for the rest of your life without any repercussions … what would you pick? Milk chocolate? Sirloin steak? Buckets of beer?

1998 [08] Surviving Beatles sing “Let It Be” at memorial ‘Linda McCartney Tribute’ held in London UK

1824 [182] 1st practical ‘Washing Machine’ developed by Noah Cushing of Québec (who was tired of bashing his underwear against St Lawrence River rocks)

1869 [137] 1st ‘Vacuum Cleaner’ patented by JW McGaffey of Chicago IL (even though his wife tells him, “JW, your invention sucks!”)

1896 [110] 1st ‘Stolen Car’ is reported (as it totters away at 3 mph.)

1983 [23] Charlos Vieira begins 191 hours of ‘Non-Stop Cycling’ in Leiria, Portugal

[Fri] Donald Duck Day
[Fri] Take a Kid Fishing Weekend
[Fri-July 9] World Cup of soccer (Germany)
[Sat] 2006 Belmont Stakes
[Sun] 60th Tony Awards
[Sun] Children’s Sunday
[Sun] Full ‘Strawberry’ Moon (2:03 pm EDT)
This Week Is … Youth Sport Coaches Week
This Month Is … Cancer in the Sun Month


• Count to 10 before screaming.
• Dust the top of the refrigerator.
• Watch summer TV reruns.
• Wait for ‘him or her’ to call.
• Answer nosy questions.
• ‘Pre-Soak’, ‘Hand Wash’ and/or ‘Flat Dry’.
• Skip anything because your horoscope says to.
• Wish on a star.
• Wear cashmere.
• Watch a sunset.
• Use your best china.
• Throw confetti.
• Tip generously.
• Drop everything and go fishing.

A new website allows visitors to place bets on how long the marriages posted on the site will last. After reviewing photos and facts about the newlyweds, surfers then pick from various options including ‘Barely Past the Altar’, ‘5 Years’, and ‘Happily Ever After’.

You run down the list while your guest or phone caller decides which choice is more palatable. Would you rather …
• Jump off the CN Tower OR be stuck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean?
• Know it all OR have it all?
• Get shot saving a loved one OR have a loved one get shot saving you?
• Have X-ray eyes OR bionic hearing?
• Be cynical OR be gullible?
• Be a dog named ‘Killer’ OR a cat named ‘Fluffy’?
• Be 3 feet taller OR be 3 feet shorter?
• Give up movies OR give up music?
• Be eaten alive by ants OR be eaten alive by lions?
• Find true love OR find $1 million?

Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, ‘Happy Hour’, ‘Reel Time‘, and ‘Carpe Diem’ are the 3 most common of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Boat names.

The one thing we all have in common is we’re all different.

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