Friday, June 17, 2011        Edition: #4530

Sheet Rocks!


24-year-old Crystal Harris now says she called off her wedding to 85-year-old “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner (scheduled for tomorrow) because she ‘wasn’t sure about their love anymore’ (BS translation: Someone explained to her what a pre-nup is) . . . However, gossip column “Page Six” claims she was secretly planning to dump Hef at the altar in exchange for a $500,000 media & reality TV deal (wow, it wasn’t true love?) . . . Meantime, boxloads of the July edition of “Playboy” have already gone out to newsstands with a pic of Hef’s now ex and the headline ‘Mrs Crystal Hefner’ on the cover, but Hefner says a giant red sticker that reads ‘Runaway Bride’ will be slapped over the title before they get sold . . . A judge has ruled Charlie Sheen’s $100-million lawsuit over his firing from “Two-and-a-Half Men” (CBS) will not go to trial and will instead be dealt with through ‘private arbitration’ (cage match!) . . . 18-year-old singer/actress Selena Gomez is now saying it was her diet of chocolate & candy that left her feeling ill last week, resulting in her brief hospitalization at an LA medical center (ah, it was a Snickers hangover – that’s explanation #3) . . . Russell Crowe is in talks to portray the Man of Steel’s father in Zach Snyder’s new “Superman” movie, which stars Brit actor Henry Cavill (Crowe’s getting so paunchy he looks more like ‘Supperman’) . . . And finally something positive has come out of the $70-million Broadway mess that is “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” – the show’s stars Reeve Carney & Jennifer Damiano have turned the onstage love affair between ‘Peter Parker’ & ‘Mary Jane’ into a real-life romance off the stage (hopefully it lasts longer than the musical).

• “Daytime Emmy Awards” (CBS) – Sunday Wayne Brady hosts the 38th annual salute to excellence in daytime television from the Las Vegas Hilton. Alex Trekek (“Jeopardy!”) and Pat Sajak (“Wheel of Fortune”) receive a ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Today Jennifer Hudson (“I Remember Me”).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Tonight Neil Peart (Rush); PS I Love You (“Meet Me At the Muster Station”).
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – This morning Selena Gomez (“When the Sun Goes Down”, out June 28th).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight Sara Bareilles (“Kaleidoscope Heart”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Goldheart Assembly (“Wolves & Thieves”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Billy Currington (“Icon”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Tonight Ra Ra Riot (“The Orchard”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Cory Monteith (“Glee”).
• “MuchMusic Video Awards” (MuchMusic/Fuse) – Sunday the 2011 MMVAs are handed out in Toronto, co-hosted by Selena Gomez. Arcade Fire, Drake, Justin Bieber, and Metric lead nominees with multiple nods. Performers include Avril Lavigne, Black Keys, Bruno Mars, Far East Movement, and Lady Gaga.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Jim Carrey (“Mr Popper’s Penguins”); musical guest the Black Keys (“Brothers”).
• Show-Me Music & Arts Festival (Springfield MO) – The inaugural edition of this 3-day country fest features Big & Rich, Gretchen Wilson, Joe Nichols, Little Big Town, Tim McGraw, and Trace Adkins among others.
• “Today” (NBC) – This morning Kenny Chesney (“Hemingway’s Whiskey”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Jill Scott (“The Light Of the Sun”, out June 21st).

• Beady Eye – Saturday Liam Gallagher’s post-Oasis band begins a North American mini-tour in Chicago, Illinois. The band’s debut album is “Different Gear, Still Speeding”.
• The Clash – Original drummer Terry Chimes now runs Chimes Chiropractic Clinics in the UK.
• Joss Stone – BBC reports 2 men have been arrested in connection with a plot to rob & murder the British soul singer. The perps were in possession of plans for her house, swords, and … a body bag. Stone’s new album is due in July.
• Lady Gaga – The iconic ‘meat dress’ she wore to the 2010 “MTV Video Music Awards” is set to be exhibited at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. The dress was apparently stored in a meat locker before being dried out by taxidermists and transported to the museum in Cleveland, Ohio.
• Madonna – Her manager says she’ll be hitting the recording studio next month to begin work on a new album. Her last release of new material was 2008’s “Hard Candy”.
• Miranda Lambert – She says she & new hubby Blake Shelton would love to tour together but right now it’s too crazy because theirs careers have gotten hot at the same time.
• Rascal Flatts – Saturday their 24-date “Flatts Fest” summer tour gets underway in Bristow, Virginia. Opening acts are Easton Corbin, Justin Moore, and Sara Evans.
• Sting – He & wife Trudie Styler have just launched their own line of prepackaged dinners.

• “Green Lantern” ( PG-13 Sci-Fi Action ): Ryan Reynolds stars as a test pilot who is granted a mystical green ring that bestows him with superhero powers, as well as membership in an intergalactic squadron tasked with keeping peace throughout the universe. Based on the DC Comics character. Co-stars Blake Lively, Peter Saarsgard. Sequels are already planned.
• “Mr Popper’s Penguins” ( PG Family Comedy ): Jim Carrey stars as ‘Thomas Popper’, a flinty Manhattan businessman whose life is upended when he inherits a half-dozen unruly but lovable penguins. A contemporary retelling of the 1938 classic kids storybook of the same name. Carrey took over the role from original choice Ben Stiller.

Spam has virtually been eliminated by sophisticated email systems that identify, quarantine, and eliminate most of it automatically. So why does your in-box still seem cluttered? Blame it on ‘bacon’. That’s the term being used for commercial email that you probably signed up for but now receive far too often. It includes Facebook notifications, newsletters, coupons, bank notices, pitches from retailers, etc. The problem was forecast well in advance … the term ‘bacon’ was first coined at a 2007 technology conference. (Worst bacon? We say Groupon.)
– “Christian Science Monitor”

Remember mood rings? They were fun for a while but kind of useless. Now the same kind of technology has a real purpose. Melbourne, Australia researchers have developed smart bandages that change color to reveal the state of the wound beneath. The fabric changes color in response to temperature, showing changes of less than half a degree. A bandage manufacturer is now working with the team and expects the product to be in the testing stage within 6 months. (No matter what stage the wound, your son’s bandage is gonna be black.)

Some hardcore carnivores have a hard time finding meat alternatives such as soy protein or tofu burgers to be palatable. But non-meat eaters may lose their appetite along with their carnivorous friends over this one – a meat alternative made from … human feces. Japanese scientist Mitsuyuki Ikeda has developed a ‘burger’ made from soya, steak sauce essence, and protein extracted from people poop. Currently the price of his turd burger is 10-to-20 times that of regular meat due to the cost of research, but Ikeda thinks that will even out within a few years. (Dude, price is not the problem!)

• As a rule, half the things at a garage sale are underpriced. However, keep in mind that a quarter of the things for sale are probably overpriced.
• The Facebook user with the most ‘friends’ is international soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo with over 29 million.

• “I love my Jewish friends, I love the apples and the honey and the funny little hats, but stop cutting your babies.”
– Actor and anti-circumcision activist Russell Crowe.
• “I only read newspapers when my name’s in them.”
– Sorta actor and devoted navel-gazer David Hasselhoff.


1943 [68] Barry Manilow (Pincus), Brooklyn NY, oldies singer who’s sold more than 76 million records worldwide (“I Write the Songs”, “Copacabana”)/Las Vegas entertainer

1960 [51] Thomas Haden Church (McMillen), Yolo CA, movie actor (“Spider-Man 3”, “Sideways”)

1963 [48] Greg Kinnear, Logansport IN, movie actor (“Flash of Genius”, “Little Miss Sunshine”)/former TV personality (“Later With Greg Kinnear” 1994, E!’s “Talk Soup” 1991-94)

1970 [41] Will Forte, Alameda CA, TV actor (“Saturday Night Live” since 2002)/movie actor (“MacGruber”, “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”)

1980 [31] Venus Williams, Lynwood CA, former #1-ranked women’s tennis player (now #32) with fastest recorded serve in WTA history (127 mph)/21 Grand Slam titles/older sister of tennis player Serena Williams

Musician Paul McCartney (The Beatles, Wings) is 69; Movie critic Roger Ebert is 69; TV actor Brian Benben (“Private Practice”) is 55; Oldies singer Nathan Morris (Boyz II Men) is 40; Country singer/TV personality Blake Shelton (“The Voice”) is 35.

Classic rock singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 61; Movie actress Kathleen Turner (“Romancing the Stone”) is 57; TV personality/singer/dancer/choreographer Paula Abdul (“The X Factor”) is 49; Movie actress Zoe Saldana (“Avatar”) is 33.

• “Canadian North Midnight Classic”, the 63rd annual all-night golf tournament in Yellowknife NT that celebrates the arrival of the Summer Solstice.
• “Eat Your Vegetables Day”, an observance likely begun by somebody’s mommy somewhere. What’s the absolute worst-tasting veggie? Broccoli? Brussels sprouts? Cabbage? Parsnips?
• “International Violin Day”, celebrating composer Igor Stravinsky’s birth anniversary in 1882. A good day to pluck your G-string.
• “World Day to Combat Desertification & Drought”, hifalutin UN terminology suggesting we may have a water shortage problem in many parts of the world.
• “Work@Home Father’s Day”, held the Friday before “Father’s Day” to honor fathers ‘who work from home as a means of providing balance between professional satisfaction and family interaction’. They’d be saluted Sunday like other dads except … they’ll likely be working.

• “Autistic Pride Day”, an annual celebration of the ‘neuro-diversity’ of people on the autism spectrum that’s designed to shift views of autism from ‘disease’ to ‘difference’.
• “Go Fishing Day” which, if you can pull it off, would allow you to post a sign on your door saying ‘Gone Fishing’. Work, after all, is for people who don’t know how to fish.
• “International Picnic Day” a great time to enjoy a meal al fresco, or if you don’t know him … with anyone else you choose. It’s a pseudo-holiday for humans but a regular working day for ants.
• “International Sushi Day”, the 3rd annual conceived originally as a Facebook page. Quote: “Every day should be Sushi Day but like anything that is this amazing, it deserves a day unto itself.” The only requirement for celebration … eat sushi.
• “Splurge Day”, when we’re encouraged to go out and do something indulgent. (Don’t go overboard, because tomorrow is ‘Return Everything You Bought on Splurge Day’.)
• “World Juggling Day”. You can create the sound of juggling with your co-host by slapping your knees quickly and throwing in lots of grunts and interjections like ‘Hey!’.

• “Father’s Day”, first proclaimed by the mayor of Spokane WA 101 years ago (June 19, 1910) at the request of one Louise Smart Dodd. It’s now celebrated in about 20 countries, including Britain, Canada, and the USA on the 3rd Sunday of June. “Father’s Day” in Australia & NZ will be celebrated September 4th this year. An estimated $1 billion is now spent each year on “Father’s Day” gifts. A greeting card industry study ranks “Father’s Day” the 5th-largest card-giving occasion. (A great tradition or just another day of forced obligation?)
• “Martini Day”. Recipe for a very dry martini: Take 1 bottle of gin.
• “World Sauntering Day”, a day to ‘revive the art of Victorian sauntering, and discourage jogging, lollygagging, sashaying, fast walking and trotting’. Can we stumble?

1994 [17] California Highway Patrol begins a 60-mile, low-speed pursuit of murder suspect OJ Simpson in a white Ford Bronco driven by his friend Al Cowlings (the entire chase is covered by cameras in helicopters and seen live by an estimated 95 million on TV)

2005 [06] Coldplay’s “ X&Y” album hits #1 in 22 countries worldwide

1994 [17] 1st ‘World Cup’ of soccer held in the USA opens in Chicago (eventually won by Brazil)

1990 [21] After 8 days of work, 12 students in Singapore complete a pyramid built from 263,810 bottle caps

[Mon] Ride Your Motorcycle to Work Day
[Mon] World Refugee Day
[Tues] Summer arrives
[Tues] Atheists Solidarity Day
[Tues] Baby Boomers Recognition Day
[Tues] Go Skateboarding Day
[Tues] World Handshake Day
[Wed] Stupid Guy Thing Day
This Week Is … Universal Fathers Week
This Month Is … Rebuild Your Life Month


“Fathers Day” is the day we honor dear old dad … if we can find him. A few places to look …
• At the golf course … in the rough.
• At the bank … cursing the ATM.
• On top of the house … trying to hook up the dish before the game starts.
• Under the car … watching the oil drip.
• At the hardware store … bragging to a total stranger about his kids.
– Adapted from

Is Facebook becoming old, boring, and too much to manage? (A recent report shows that while Facebook is adding members in other global markets, nearly 6 million Americans and 1.5 million Canadians have shut down their Facebook accounts so far this year.)

• “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)
• “Father Of the Bride” (1991)
• “National Lampoon’s Vacation” (1983)
• “Mr Mom” (1983)
• “Three Men & A Baby” (1987)
• “Parenthood” (1989)
• “The Lion King” (1994)

My dad’s not real affectionate. The last time he hugged me it was a ‘half-Nelson’.

A site featuring ‘Birds With Arms’. It’s exactly that … and it’s creepy!

Today’s Question: A decade ago there were 4 of THESE; now there are over 300.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Reality TV programs.

Never trust a skinny cook.

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