Wednesday, June 22, 2011         Edition: #4533
Ahhhh, It’s Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

Today 50-year-old John Galliano, the British fashion designer whose pro-Hitler outburst in a Paris café cost him his job as creative director at Dior, is due in court to face charges of anti-Semitism (punishable by a fine up to $31,500 and/or a 6-month prison sentence) . . . The owner of the bar where “Jackass” star Ryan Dunn tweeted a pic of himself partying just hours before dying in a car crash insists the TV prankster was not drunk (well yeah, who wants liability?) . . . 51-year-old character actor Doug Hutchison, best known for roles on “Lost” and in “The Green Mile”, has been wed in Las Vegas to aspiring country singer Courtney Alexis Stodden, who’s – ahem – 16 (he calls her ‘honey’, she calls him ‘grandpa’) . . . Hilaria Thomas, the 28-year-old yoga instructor-girlfriend of “30 Rock” star Alec Baldwin (53), may be hitting the small-screen with her own fitness reality show (this is why you date a famous old man) . . . “Glee” creator Ryan Murphy says he’s planning to let the show’s current ‘teen’ characters graduate and replace them with a new cast after next season (it’s about time – they’ll all be turning about 37) . . . Producers of “The Hangover Part II” have reached a mediated settlement with the tattoo artist who sued over rights to the face ink Ed Helms’ character sports in the movie (Victor Whitmill etched the original tattoo on boxer Mike Tyson’s face) . . . Julie Taymor, former director of the much-maligned Broadway musical “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark”, is blaming Twitter for the show’s initial failure as it was used to voice negative opinions before the show was ready (in this case it was the message, not the medium) . . . And Simon Cowell’s mother Julie has accused British singer Cheryl Cole of unfairly blaming the music mogul for her firing from “The X Factor”, insisting it wasn’t his fault, just ‘the Americans didn’t want her’ (Simon held the cue cards during the interview).

• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Talib Kweli (“Gutter Rainbows”).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Alison Krauss & Union Station (“Paper Airplane”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Flo Rida (“Only One Flo”).
• Glastonbury Festival (Somerset UK) – Upwards of 200,000 fans are expected as one of Britain’s largest summer festivals gets underway. This year’s 5-day event is headlined by Beyoncé, Coldplay, and U2. U2 is expected to perform the song “Glastonbury”, which they wrote especially for their performance last year, cancelled due to Bono’s back injury.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Matt Nathanson (“Modern Love”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Ra Ra Riot (“The Orchard”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Beady Eye (“Different Gear, Still Speeding”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Marc Anthony (“Iconos”).
• “NHL Awards” (CBC/Versus) – Jay Mohr hosts as the trophies are handed out in Las Vegas for the 2010-11 hockey season. Performers include Dierks Bentley (“Am I the Only One”), Far East Movement (“Rocketeer”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Raphael Saadiq (“Stone Rollin’”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – BC Jean (“Just a Guy”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV) – The final 4 vocalists are revealed.

• Amy Winehouse – Her management has now scrapped all the gigs scheduled for her European ‘comeback tour’. They’re also refusing payment for the weekend disaster in Belgrade in which she stumbled around the stage mumbling incoherently. (Well, no kidding!)
• Britney Spears – Her new video “I Wanna Go” makes its MTV premiere at 6 am this morning, just in time for it to qualify for this year’s “MTV Video Music Awards” (August 28th).
• Joe Nichols – Today he appears on the Facebook page of his 2011 tour sponsor Dunkin’ Donuts for a live video chat at 7 pm EDT. Fans can also watch acoustic performances of several of his songs as well as his latest single, “Take It Off”.
• Mariah Carey – The first ‘official photos’ of her twins via Nick Cannon will not necessarily be sold to the highest bidder, as the couple is said to be ‘more interested in ensuring they are tastefully done’. (BS translation: Only “Popular Mechanics” has expressed any interest.)
• R Kelly – He’s being sued for $1 million by his former manager Jeff Kwatinetz, who claims Kelly spent the 15% commission that is owed defending himself on charges of sexual misconduct.

Mayo Clinic researchers in the UK have used a new type of vaccine to cure mice with advanced prostate tumors and the mice showed no visible side effects. If the vaccine works for people like it does for mice, they just might have discovered a way to make prostate cancer preventable. The vaccine consists of engineered viruses that produce ‘antigens’, which send the immune system a distress signal with a unique prostate-only signature. If this vaccine is successful in men, it could lead to further vaccines that might make other forms of cancer preventable as well. (But for now, only mice are spared the rubber glove.)

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Champagne Problem’ – A choice between two positive or ideal things; a problem that actually demonstrates one’s good fortune. (“Barry had a champagne problem at the club … both Angie and Melissa wanted to go home with him.”)
• ‘Garboflage’ – Trying to hide a piece of your kid’s artwork under other garbage in the trash-can so they don’t bust you for throwing it away. (“Peter tossed a used coffee filter and leftover stew on top of Mandy’s macaroni art in order to garboflage it.”)
• ‘Twimmolation’ – The destruction of a person’s career or reputation due to their lewd or insensitive Twitter posts. (For more info, Google ‘Weiner’.)

The ‘Kool-Aid Man’ always says “Oh, yeaahh!” But this year’s new summer fair food has “Oh, noooo!” written all over it. California-based food inventor Charlie Boghosian is responsible for deep-frying the sugary crystals. Basically, he rolls balls of Kool-Aid powder in flour and fries them. Sounds terrible, but apparently fair-goers love it. Bogoshian says he’s sold up to 600 a day, double the rate of other new food items he’s created in the past. (Remember ‘deep-friend butter’? That’s his fault too.)

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … women who lose their virginity as teenagers are more likely to divorce. A University of Iowa study shows that 31% of women who had sex for the first time as teens divorced within 5 years, and 47% within 10 years. (Is it the behavior that causes that or the personality that led to the behavior?)
• Scientists say … elephants wince at each other’s pain, argue over directions, and are able to recognize more than 100 of their peers. A 35-year study of the African elephant concludes that it is a higher animal, right up there with apes and dolphins in intelligence and complex social behavior. (Right, ever see an elephant peel a banana?)
– “Times of London”
• Scientists say … the more a man does housework, the more sex he has. Research shows that when men do more housework, women are more satisfied with their marriage and the couple fights less. Moreover, those who consider the division of household labor fair have sex more frequently. (That’s great … but you’re stuck making the bed afterward.)

“Monopoly” is attempting to up its rock & roll cred with 2 new editions of the game featuring AC/DC and Metallica. In “AC/DC Collector’s Edition Monopoly”, players buy, sell, and trade AC/DC albums and international locations. The game’s tokens include a cannon (“For Those About to Rock”), a bundle of dynamite (“TNT”), and Angus Young’s schoolboy hat. Meanwhile, the “Metallica Collector’s Edition” allows players to advance through Metallica events and locations such as club shows, festivals, studios, childhood homes, and other landmarks. Game pieces include the “Kill ‘Em All” hammer, “And Justice For All” scales, “St Anger” fist, and the “Black Album” snake. The new versions are tentatively due in August.

Locksmiths offer this simple advice: The flatter the key, the more worthless the lock.

“Just because you’re wearing a goofy hat doesn’t make it performance art.”
– Former Bikini Kill rocker Kathleen Hanna, who’s married to Beastie Boys’ Adam ‘Ad-Rock’ Horowitz, talking about Lady Gaga on CNN.


1949 [62] Meryl (Mary Louise) Streep, Summit NJ, movie actress (“Julie & Julia”, “The Devil Wears Prada”)/16 Academy Award nominations & 2 Oscars (“Sophie’s Choice”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)/record 7 Golden Globe Awards  COMING UP: Plays former British PM Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady”, opening December 16th.

1953 [58] Cyndi Lauper, Ozone Park NY, oldies singer (“Time After Time”, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”)/human rights advocate (“True Colors Tour”)

1964 [47] Dan Brown, Exeter NH, really rich author (“Angels & Demons”, “The Da Vinci Code”, which sold over 60 million copies worldwide)

1964 [47] Amy Brenneman, New London CT, TV actress (‘Dr Violet Turner’ on “Private Practice” since 2007, “Judging Amy” 1999-2005)

1973 [38] Carson Daly, Santa Monica CA, TV host (NBC-TV’s “Last Call With Carson Daly” since 2002, MTV’s “Total Request Live” 1998-2003)

• “Columnists Day”, celebrating both local and nationally syndicated newspaper columnists.

• “Mirthday”, a day to celebrate individualism and appreciate your own uniqueness. This is the day to make choices that are for your own good. It’s also a good excuse for a ‘Mirthday Party’ … although it kinda sounds like a speech impediment.

• “Stupid Guy Thing Day”. Women are always talking about it (“Oh that’s just another stupid guy thing …”), so here’s the day to commemorate it! Women everywhere are encouraged to make a list of ‘Stupid Guy Things’ and pass it on. To get you started …
– Pounding things.
– Squirting things.
– Watching TV sports.
– Using power tools.
– Driving giant SUVs/pickup trucks.
– Wearing ball caps … backwards.
– Burning and/or exploding things.
– Eating anything and everything.

2001 [10] Street-racing movie “The Fast & The Furious” opens in theaters (leads to 4 sequels)

2002 [09] Spaniard Alvaro de Marichalar becomes the first to cross the Atlantic Ocean by jet ski (12 hours per day on water, sleeping on a support boat), landing at Miami Beach FL 4 months after setting off from Rome, Italy

1980 [31] Jim King begins riding the Miracle Strip Amusement Park roller coaster in Panama City Beach, Florida for a record 368 hours (over 15 days!)

[Thurs] Let It Go Day
[Thurs] Public Service Day
[Fri] “Bad Teacher”; “Cars 2” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Celebration Of the Senses
[Fri] Take Your Dog to Work Day
[Sun] 2011 BET Awards
This Week Is … Camping Week
This Month Is … Great Outdoors Month


They’re now shooting the next season of the MTV hit in Italy, so the following phrases might prove handy (record someone fluent in Italian reading the list) …
• “Quale modo alla farmacia?” (Which way to the pharmacy?)
• “La toilette è fuori servizio.” (The toilet is out of order.)
• “Mi scuso per urinare sul piede.” (I apologize for peeing on your foot.)
• “Questo letto è pieno di formaggio.” (This bed is full of cheese.)
• “Sono sanguinamento dall’ano.” (I am bleeding from the anus.)
• “Mi scusi, devo vomitare.” (Excuse me, I have to vomit.)
• “Le Situation deve situarsi.” (The Situation needs to situate itself.)
• “Snooki si presenta come un salame grasso in quel vestito.” (Snooki looks like a fat salami in that dress.)
– Thanks to Mary Green

What’s the absolute worst sound in the world? According to a new study, it’s whining. In experiments that sound had the power to distract people most while attempting to do simple math, more so than an infant crying or a high-pitched table saw.

You run down the list rapid-fire while a caller/guest/crew member picks which of each pair is better …
• Sun or shade?
• MTV or PBS?
• Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?
• Beaches or museums?
• Boxers or briefs?
• Salt or sugar?
• Cats or dogs?
• Convertible or SUV?
• Beer or wine?
• Burgers or hot dogs?

• You’ve just executed a successful ‘pittypat’. Which are you doing?
a. Playing marbles.
b. Skipping stones. [CORRECT. It’s a  short skip at the end of a ‘run’.]
c. Working your way through the Kama Sutra.
– “Land O’ Useless Facts”

• Which is more poisonous?
a. Wasp.
b. Bee.
c. Fireant. [CORRECT. Frequently, reactions to its venom can be severe.]

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with a photograph of herself.

Today’s Question: Apparently it’s not possible to do THIS in space.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Shed tears. the eyes water but the tears will not fall. (

An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets to laugh.

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