Thursday, March 31, 2005        Edition: #3002
Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue!

TODAY South Korea’s first all-transgender group Lady releases its first album and hopes to springboard off the success of popular South Korean transgender singer/actress/model Ha Ri Su (more than 10,000 South Koreans have had sex-change operations) . . . Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen are planning to put their luxury NYC penthouse apartment on the market for $7.3 million after having it completely renovated, then never moving in! . . . VH-1’s “The Surreal Life 5″ will feature “The Apprentice’s” Omarosa, “Top Model’s” Janice Dickinson, and former baseball-player-turned-pharmacist Jose Canseco . . . “Variety” reports that theater chains are worried because the time window between the theatrical and DVD releases of movies continues to get smaller (so they can’t figure out how to justify $20 popcorn?) . . . In JANUARY, Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank refused to pay a 200 New Zealand-dollar ‘instant fine’ at Auckland International Airport for failing to declare 1 apple & 1 orange and now – after filing a protest letter – has been sentenced to pay the fruit importing fine plus – an additional 30 NZ dollars in costs! . . . Mrs Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, has a new book called “Girls Hold Up This World” designed to help young girls build self-esteem which features photos of females looking strong, happy and determined (would one of them be Jada’s wedding photo to a wealthy and powerful Hollywood actor?) . . . And the movie casting notice has likely already gone out to Denzel Washington’s agent – former OJ Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran has died in LA of a brain tumor at age 67 (“If the casket fits, you must get into it!”).

• Faith Evans – TONIGHT she does “Late Show With David Letterman”
• Good Charlotte – They’ll kick off their “Noise to the World” tour MAY 3rd in Tulsa OK. Simple Plan will co-headline.
• Jimmy Buffett – TODAY he’s on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Jimmy Eat World – TONIGHT they’re on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• The Killers – Frontman Brandon Flowers says he’s sick of bands imitating them to gain fame, particularly The Bravery. Meantime, the band is being sued by an unnamed former drummer who claims he wrote their current hit “Mr Brightside”.
• Oasis – Liam Gallagher has been awarded the ‘DD Cup‘ as the top prize in “Nuts” magazine’s first ‘Man Boobs Awards’. Other male celebs cited for their ample breasts: Matt LeBlanc, Ben Affleck, Jack Osbourne & British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Robert Redford will play  Brooklyn Dodgers general manager Branch Rickey in an as-yet-untitled bio-pic about Jackie Robinson breaking baseball’s color barrier in 1947 . . . Russell Crowe will star in “The Power of Duff”, about a TV news anchor whose grief over his father’s death prompts him to pray aloud during newscasts – and his prayers are answered! . . . The upcoming action flick “Silverfin” is scheduled to be the first in a  ‘Young 007’ series, with Orlando Bloom playing ‘James Bond’ in the 1930s, fresh out of prep school at Eton, England . . . “Sixth Sense” director M Night Shyamalan’s next film will be a thriller called “Lady in the Water”, about an apartment superintendent who finds a sea nymph living in the building’s swimming pool . . . George Clooney’s new project will be directing “Goodnight and Good Luck”, about legendary CBS newsman Edward R Murrow . . . Matt Damon has been working alongside real-life police detectives to research his role as an undercover cop in Martin Scorsese’s upcoming “The Departed”, co-starring Leonardo Dicaprio & Jack Nicholson . . . And Halle Berry says she will reprise her role as ‘Storm’ in the next “X-Men” movie – but only if she gets a bigger part (apparently she’s holding out for ‘Typhoon’.)

• A dairy farmer in Garland, Australia has helped to deliver both a calf and his own baby daughter – on the same night! (Unfortunately, he was completely drained from lack of sleep and mistakenly named his daughter ‘Bossy’.)
• A contestant on the German version of “Big Brother” has been booted out of the house for having a prominent ‘S-S’ tattoo. The man, a KISS fan, claims it’s just a tribute to his favorite band. (Which, um, appears to be missing the ‘K’ and ‘I’.)
• A half-mile-long reclining ‘goddess’ will be created out of waste material from a coal-mining operation to hide the mine-scarred landscape alongside Britain’s A-1 highway north of Newcastle. The ‘ground sculpture’ will feature 100-foot-high breasts. (Giving whole new meaning to the highway signs ‘Soft Shoulders’ and ‘Dangerous Curves Ahead’.)
• Sports stadiums do it so why not people? A 33-year-old Seymour TN mother of 5 has put her naming rights up for bid on eBay. Terri Iligan’s best offer was $15,199 from the Internet site Golden Palace Casino (which seems to buy up all of these trashy offers). She will officially be named once the legal work is complete. (Friends will just call her ‘Commie’.)
• The Australian government’s ‘pay for population’ program seems to be working. The 133,400 babies born Down Under in 6 months LAST YEAR were the most in a half-year period in 14 years. In an effort to increase the country’s shrinking tax base, the government now pays Aussie moms $2,319 for each new baby. (Meanwhile in China it’s against the law to have more than one.)
• Most US states have official birds, flowers and trees. But Virginia has become the only one with an official state bat – the Virginia Big-Eared Brown Bat. (What about Kentucky? It’s got the Louisville Slugger!)

Dr Martin Nowak, an eye surgeon in Michelfeld, Germany, has discovered the world’s largest known prime number – or at least his computer did. The number has 7,816,230 digits, and if printed in its entirety, would fill 235 newspaper pages. (It can be expressed in metaphoric form as – the odds against Michael Jackson being innocent.)
– “New York Times”

Ontario NDP MPP Peter Kormos says that 5 federal MPs who plan to spend $200,000 touring European and US whorehouses should save money by visiting homegrown talent. The MPs are members of a subcommittee reviewing prostitution laws which, among other things, wants to study safety for sex-trade workers by visiting law enforcement agencies and brothels abroad. Kormos says he could take them down to Bridge St in Niagara Falls and get them laid for less than $50. (That’s a crock! It’s $75 … er, so they say.)

Ireland’s tradition of granting full-time professional artists tax-free status on their income may be in for some changes. The country’s Labour Party is suggesting that writers, artists and musicians earning more than 100,000 euros (circa $130,000) a year should lose their tax-free status. About 1,500 ‘artists’ are now enjoying tax-free status. (U2 pays no tax!?!?!?)
– CBC Arts

An African lecturer has delivered the world’s longest lecture after talking non-stop for 88 hours and 4 seconds – more than 3 days – on the topic of democracy at Jagellonian University in Krakow, Poland. 20-year-old Errol Muzawazi from Zimbabwe broke his old record of 62 hours and 30 minutes. However, he was talking to himself through the majority of his latest effort because – his entire audience fell asleep.
– Ananova

In 1985, the most popular waist size for men’s pants was 32. In 2003, it became 36. (Now it’s about a yard-and-a-half.)

“They say that when you go into the bathroom, you get such a good feeling!”
– A Lavender Hill, South Africa resident about the effect of a supposed image of ‘Christ with angels’ on a local frosted-over bathroom window that has attracted a multitude of pilgrims. (Hey, maybe they can sell it to Golden Palace Casino!)


1928 [77] Gordie Howe, Floral SK, Hall of Fame hockey legend (Detroit Red Wings)/1767 games in 26 seasons/6-time NHL MVP

1943 [62] Christopher Walken, Queens NY, movie actor (“The Rundown”, Oscar-“The Deer Hunter”).

1959 [46] Angus Young, Glasgow, Scotland, short-panted rock guitarist (AC/DC-“Thunderstruck”, “Highway to Hell”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)

1971 [34] Ewan McGregor, Crieff, Scotland, movie actor (“Robots”, “Star Wars Episodes 1-3″)

1976 [29] Colin Farrell, Dublin, Ireland, movie actor (“Alexander”, “SWAT”)

TODAY is “Bunsen Burner Day”, honoring the 1811 birth date of its inventor, Robert Wilhelm Eberhard von Bunsen of Germany. (Thanks to him several hundred high school chemistry labs have been blown up!)

TODAY is “National Clams-on-the-Half-Shell Day”. (Tonight is ‘Pass-the-Fear-Factor-Bucket Night’.)

1994 [11] Madonna uses the ‘F-bomb’ 13 times on “Late Show With David Letterman”

1999 [06] “The Matrix” starring Keanu Reeves opens in movie theaters

1918 [87] 1st ‘Daylight Saving Time’ (set those clocks forward this coming SUNDAY at 2am)

1949 [56] Newfoundland officially joins Confederation to become Canada’s 10th province (bringing us cod tongues, figgy duff and a wonderful sense of humor!)

1923 [82] 1st ‘Dance Marathon’ (Alma Cummings sets endurance record of 27 hrs in NYC)

1932 [73] 1st ‘V-8 Engine’ (Ford Motor Co)

1990 [15] 1st NHL player to score 100 points in a season with a last-place team (Quebec Nordiques’ Joe Sakic, who also becomes the youngest player to do it, at age 20)

1997 [08] Martina Hingis becomes youngest-ever #1-ranked women’s tennis player at age 16

[Apr 1] April Fool’s Day / Fun At Work Day / One Cent Day / Re-Pot Your Plant Day / “Sin City” and “The Weather Man” open in movie theaters
[Apr 2] 18th “Kids’ Choice Awards” / International Children’s Book Day / Reconciliation Day / Equal Pay Day / Peanut Butter & Jelly Day
[Apr 1-3] Alcohol Free Weekend
[Apr 2/4] NCAA Final Four Basketball Tournament (St Louis MO)
[Apr 3] 2005 Juno Awards (Winnipeg) / Daylight Saving Time begins (Spring forward @ 2 am) / Armenian Appreciation Day
[Apr 4] Toronto Blue Jays season opener (Tampa FL) / Check Your Batteries Day / Tell-A-Lie Day / Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
[Apr 5] Equal Pay Day / Road Map Day / ‘Canada Day’ at Expo 2005
[Apr 6] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Charlottetown PEI) / Plan Your Epitaph Day
[Apr 7-10] The Masters (Augusta GA)
[Apr 7] Tartan Day / Hug Your Newsman Day / No Housework Day / World Health Day
[Apr 8] Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles wedding (Windsor UK) / Audubon Day / “Sahara” and “Fever Pitch” open in movie theaters
[Apr 9] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Sydney NS) / Chicken Little Awareness Day / Name Yourself Day / Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
[Apr 10] Siblings Day / Salvation Army Founders Day / Golfers Day
[Apr 11] Barbershop Quartet Day / “2005 CMT Music Awards”
[Apr 12] Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day / Teens Against Zits Day / Thank You School Librarian Day / “Canadian Idol” auditions (St John’s NL)
[Apr 13] Scrabble Day / “2005 Dove Awards”
[Apr 15] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Moncton NB) / “The Amityville Horror” opens in movie theaters
[Apr 16] Stress Awareness Day
[Apr 17] Canadian Equality Day / National Blah Blah Blah Day / International Ford Mustang Day
[Apr 18] 109th Boston Marathon / Pet Owners Independence Day / Teach Children To Save Day / International Jugglers Day
[Apr 19] Garlic Day / “Canadian Idol” auditions (Montréal)
[Apr 20] Astronomy Day
[Apr 21] Kindergarten Day / Clergy Day / Muhammad’s Birthday (Islamic) / First Day of Summer (Iceland)
[Apr 22] Earth Day / National Jelly Bean Day / “A Lot Like Love”, “King’s Ransom” and “The Interpreter” open in movie theaters
[Apr 23] World Lab Animal Day / NBA playoffs begin
[Apr 23-24] NFL draft
[Apr 24] Passover begins (Jewish)
[Apr 25] St George’s Day Holiday (NL) Anzac Day (Australia/NZ) / Hug an Australian Day / Bird Day
[Apr 25-30] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Toronto ON)
[Apr 25-May 1] 11th TV-Turnoff Week begins
[Apr 26] Richter Scale Day / Pretzel Day
[Apr 27] Administrative Professionals Day / Child Care Professionals Day / Hairball Awareness Day / Sense of Smell Day
[Apr 28] Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day / Kiss Your Mate Day / Great Poetry Reading Day / Day of Remembrance for Persons Killed or Injured in the Workplace
[Apr 29] Zipper Day / National Puppetry Day / “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and “XXX: State of the Union” open in movie theaters
[Apr 30] Canadian Income Tax deadline / Hairstylist Appreciation Day / Honesty Day / International Walk Day
[Apr 30-May 15] World Hockey Championships (Austria)
[May 8] Mothers Day

• Bird or butterfly magnets mean you’re generous & freedom-loving.
• Teddy bear & other animal magnets mean you like hugging.
• Fried egg magnets say you’re intellectual, with a good sense of humor.
• Elvis or Mickey Mouse magnets say your stuck in the past.
• Computer or technology-themed magnets mean you’re trendy.
(Ask listeners what’s stuck on their fridge, then do a free ‘personality reading’.)

You’ve just discovered ‘coprolite’. What should you do with it?
a. Slap it.
b. Sell it.
c. Sniff it.
d. Stomp on it before it spreads!
[You could likely sell it to a museum. It’s the polite term for ‘dinosaur dung’.]

• The Vatican says the Pope is now being fed through a nasal tube. He just received a ‘Get Well Soon … Real Soon’ card from Terri Schiavo.
• It’s not whether you win or lose … what counts is whether I win or lose.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her … or something like that.
• There’s no sense being pessimistic … it wouldn’t work anyway.
Today’s Question: Men are able to make twice as much of THIS as women.    
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Saliva. This explains all the spitting. (“Psychology Today”)

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!


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