Wednesday, March 30, 2005        Edition: #3001
Sheeters Always Prosper!

“Guess Who” is a big hit at the box office, but only after a $100,000 computer alteration was made – Ashton Kutcher’s red-string Kabbalah bracelet was digitally erased from all scenes after test audiences reacted negatively (oh, is that how they’re describing booing these days?) . . . Courtney Love is reportedly getting back into the movie biz, starring in an upcoming bio-film about ‘70s porn actress Linda Lovelace of ”Deep Throat” fame (well, that must have been some audition) . . . Tennis-playing sisters Venus & Serena Williams have signed up for their own reality show, with cameras following them around on- and off-court (OK, who’s left that hasn’t been on a reality show?) . . . PETA is claiming Jennifer Lopez used the clout of her record label to get “Billboard” magazine to kill a full-page ad featuring a grisly photo of a skinned animal over an open letter to J-Lo, whose Sweetface clothing line uses lots of real fur . . . “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria has fueled reports she’s dating San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker by showing up to cheer him on at an NBA game in Houston (hmm, could it be because of his size 14 feet?) . . . Word has it the federal government has agreed to earmark $25 million for the permanent home of the “Toronto International Film Festival”, a project that’s been delayed due to lack of funding . . . And the UK’s “Glastonbury Festival” (JUNE 24-26th) will feature an odd twist – a so-called ‘Silent Disco’ outdoors, where participants will be given special headsets so they can listen to music as loud as they like and dance all night – but all the neighbors will hear is the sound of shuffling feet!

• Billy Joel – Word is this time he’s doing his rehab at the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage CA and he could be there a few more weeks.
• Britney Spears – Rumors she’s pregnant just won’t die. The signs: she has given up smoking, she’s been piling on weight, and has taken lots of time off work so she can relax.
• Celine Dion – Her new perfume ‘Belong’ from Coty is described as having a modern floral Oriental scent. PR flak says she was involved in every aspect of its development. (No, dat stinks. Mais oui, da’s good!”)
• John Michael Montgomery – He’s blaming a medical condition called ‘acoustic neuroma’ for his poor performance of the anthem at a televised NASCAR race earlier THIS MONTH. The condition is said to affect balance and hearing. (Oh, you mean beer?)
• Kelly Clarkson – TONIGHT in Tulsa OK, she kicks off her first solo headlining tour which wraps in Vancouver BC MAY 29th. Kelly just ditched UK music mogul Simon Fuller as her manager, claiming he was never around for her. She, like every other “Idol” winner, is initially represented by Fuller’s 19 Management Company.
• Tragically Hip – Without giving any reason, actor Dan Aykroyd has backed out of inducting them into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame at SUNDAY’s “Juno Awards” in Winnipeg. Singer Sarah Harmer will do the honors instead.
• White Stripes – They’ll release their as-yet-untitled next studio album JUNE 14th.

“Beauty Shop” (PG-13 Comedy): Queen Latifah plays a hairstylist who opens up a beauty shop full of employees and customers more interested in speaking their minds than getting a cut. Based on the ‘Gina’ character she portrayed in 2004’s “Barbershop 2: Back in Business”. Co-stars Alicia Silverstone, Andie MacDowell, Mena Suvari & Kevin Bacon. Get sound bites here …

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Veggie Vision’ – Now being tested in some supermarkets, it’s new technology that recognizes fruits and vegetables when costumers place them on the self-serve check-out. That way they can’t cheat by coding in cheap snap beans when it’s actually expensive asparagus. (“Oh did I say hamburger? I meant prime rib.”)
• ‘Surgery Buddies’ – A developing trend in which friends or family members schedule the same type of surgery together. These days, most recovery takes place at home and can be lonely so having a supportive partner helps. (“Gee I dunno, Mike. I’m honored you asked but I wasn’t really considering a vasectomy …”)
• ‘Travel Ball’ – You’re likely heard of a ‘travel team’ in sports, a team that travels to other places to compete. This is an ultra-competitive form of youth baseball in America meant to groom gifted players for future stardom. It can cost a player up to $10,000 a season to participate and involves hours and hours of driving – or flying – to play in pro-style ballparks across the country.

Here’s good news for women fed up with squandering time and money on hair, nail and waxing – letting yourself go is becoming all the rage! The latest look involves more relaxed and natural grooming, a trend that’s being tagged with hifalutin names like ‘slobby chic’, ‘earthy elegance’ and ‘modern bohemian’. Here’s the earmarks of the look – shaggy or long, wavy hair; messy ponytails; thicker, less sharply arched brows; short, colorless nails; less revealing, looser-fitting clothes; and neatly-scrubbed faces. Trend watchers say the overdone, over-manicured look is so over. Forget Paris, think Kate Winslet, Jennifer Garner or the Olsen twins. (Or those times when your mom told you looked good.)
– “Elle” magazine.

In his new book “Hitler’s Bomb”, German historian Rainer Karlsch claims that during WW2, a few dozen Nazi scientists built an atomic reactor near Berlin which was functional for a few weeks and used to create a tactical nuclear weapon – much smaller than the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki – but still a nuke. Citing documents from Soviet and Western archives, Karlsch claims the Nazis detonated at least 2 of the bombs, including one on March 3, 1945 which killed several hundred POWs and concentration camp inmates. (Suddenly the upcoming movie “V For Vendetta”, about what the world would be like had Germany won the war doesn’t seem so far-fetched!)

A snapshot of who were are and what we do …
• 71% of us are keeping some kind of secret regarding money.
• 70% or more of athletes’ autographs that are put on the market are fake.
• 50% of those traveling for business purposes are now female.
• 35% of employees resent co-workers who miss work due to a migraine headache.
• 30% of women cope with a break-up by getting a drastic haircut.
• 10% of us have understated our income when filing our income tax..

Snap-on prosthetic teeth are quickly becoming a popular way to get that coveted smile without waiting out braces or dropping thousands on caps. The resin-based covers are just cosmetic, not meant to replace teeth in need of repair. They simply slide over your own teeth like a glove and snap into place. One NYC dentist is offering patients a variety of celebrity-inspired looks such as ‘The Halle’ or ‘The Gwyneth’ for women, and the ‘Denzel’ or ‘George’ for men. It not only provides an instant mouth makeover but a way to ‘test-drive’ a new smile before committing to a more permanent procedure. Interested? A set of these chompers will take a big bite out of $1,500! (To save money, Google the Web for ‘Halloween teeth’.)
– “Daily News”

• The folks at Skippy say the average Canadian eats close to a kitchen sinkful of peanut butter per year. And according to Kraft research, if all the cheese slices we ate in a year were laid side-by-side, they’d reach more than 4 times around-the-world.
• ‘Happy’, ‘Sleepy’, ‘Sneezy’, ‘Grumpy’, ‘Bashful’, ‘Doc’ and ‘Dopey’ were the final names decided upon for “Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs” in the 1937 Disney classic. However, many other names were considered, including ‘Scrappy’, ‘Snappy’, ‘Hoppy’, ‘Weepy’, ‘Dirty’, ‘Cranky’, ‘Hungry’, ‘Lazy’, ‘Dumpy’, ‘Flabby’, ‘Thrifty’, ‘Shifty’, ‘Nifty’, ‘Wistful’, ‘Graceful’, ‘Helpful’, ‘Tearful’, ‘Awful’, ‘Snoopy’, ‘Gabby’, ‘Crabby’, ‘Silly’, ‘Dippy’, ‘Sappy’, ‘Gloomy’, ‘Daffy’, ‘Busy’, ‘Dizzy’, ‘Hotsy’, ‘Jaunty’, ‘Puffy’, ‘Chesty’, ‘Jumpy’ and ‘Biggo-Ego’.
– “Orlando Sentinel”

“I definitely feel like we’re having a ‘career’ instead of just an album or a song. Everything keeps on getting a little bit bigger and a little bit better for us.”
– Sum 41’s Deryck Whibley


1937 [68] Warren Beatty, Richmond VA, movie actor/director/producer (Oscar-“Reds”)/Mr Annette Bening since 1992

1945 [60] Eric Clapton, Ripley UK, classic rock singer/guitarist (Grammy Award-“Change the World”) who’s made it into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame with The Yardbirds (1992), Cream (1993), and as a solo performer (2000)

1964 [41] Tracy Chapman, Cleveland OH, folk/pop singer (“Fast Car”)

1968 [37] Celine Dion, Charlemagne QC, pop singer (“My Heart Will Go On”) who’s completed 2 years of her 3-year, $100-million deal for 200 performances per year at Caesars Palace in Vegas/Canadian Walk of Fame (2003)

1979 [26] Norah Jones, NYC, pop singer (5 Grammy Awards-“Come Away With Me” CD)

TODAY is “Doctors’ Day”, commemorating the 1st use of anaesthetic during surgery by Dr Crawford W Long in 1842. He got the idea by observing party-goers inebriated on nitrous oxide and sulfuric ether.
• “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
• “Husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
• “The patient refused an autopsy.”
• “The patient has no past history of suicides.”
• “Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.”
• “She is numb from her toes down.”
• “Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.”
• “The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.”

TODAY is “Seward’s Day”, the anniversary of the 1867 US purchase of Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million or less than 2 cents an acre. At the time it was called ‘Seward’s Folly’ because Secretary of State William Seward was considered crazy for promoting the deal.

TODAY is “National Badminton Day”, honoring the sport anyone can play in their backyard … badly. It never really caught on when it was first introduced as ‘Poona’ in the early 1800s.

TODAY is also –
• “I Am In Control Day”
• “Hot Dog Day”
• “Take a Walk in the Park Day”

THIS WEEK is “National Cleaning Week”, held annually the last week in March to remind us to tackle those Spring cleaning jobs … clean out those closets and drawers and donate the usable stuff, then recycle the rest of the stuff into great art projects (just before you throw them out).

1964 [41] 1st edition of TV game show “Jeopardy!” (see “Bull’s Bits” for a radio version)

1858 [147] Hyman Lipman invents 1st ‘pencil with attached eraser’ (needed something to chew on?).  FACTOID: If you took an average pencil and made a continuous line until all the lead was used up, the line would be an amazing 35-miles-long. However, it’s estimated that the eraser on the average pencil is only capable of erasing about 5 miles of print. Maybe that’s the reason you see so many pencils with just a tiny nub of rubber left?

1889 [116] America’s 1st ‘Golf Course’ opens, in Yonkers NY

1935 [70] 1st ‘Newfie Time’ as Newfoundland changes zone to 3.5 hours West of Greenwich

1954 [51] Canada’s 1st mass transit ‘Subway’ opens in Toronto

1980 [25] ‘People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ (PETA) is founded by Ingrid Newkirk & Alex Pacheco

1987 [18] On the 134th anniversary of the birth of the artist, Vincent van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” is sold for $39.85 million, more than triple the previous record for an auctioned painting (TODAY’s a great day to play ‘Pin the Ear on the Van Gough’!)

1998 [07] Largest single lottery prize in Canada as Bernard & Krista Nauss of Parkhill ON win $22.5 million in ‘Super 7′

[Thus] Bunsen Burner Day
[Thus] Tater Day
[Fri] April Fools Day
[Sat] 18th “Kids’ Choice Awards”
[Sat] NCAA Final Four Basketball begins (St Louis MO)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
[Mon] Toronto Blue Jays season opener (Tampa FL)
This Week Is . . . Sleep Awareness Week (on this show, it’s ‘Lack of Sleep Awareness Week’)
This Month Is . . . Talk to Your Teen About Sex Month

Get the theme music here … Just like the TV game, your contestant must respond in the form of a question. Of course they won’t be able to – that’s when you provide the zinger!
• The answer is … High on crack. [The correct question is … Where do you wear your thong?]
• Briefcase. [What do you get when “Judge Judy” is in a bad mood?]
• A surgeon’s favorite tool. [What is a golf club?]
• Breakfast, lunch or dinner. [What is Kirstie Alley’s favorite time of day?]
• Cannibal. [What do you call a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter?]
• Igloo. [What do you use to keep your ‘ig’ from falling off?]
• A dog, a horse, and [your co-host] at a station party. [Name 3 things that relieve themselves outdoors.]
• Flyswatter. [What do you call a sadistic tailor?]
• Goatee. [What do you get when you dip a goat in hot water?]
• It’s not hard. [How can you spot the blind guy at a nudist colony?]
• The grip. [What’s the difference between pink and purple?]
And here’s a couple legit answers …
• The official name of the “Jeopardy!” theme song. [What is “Think Music” written by “Jeopardy!” creator Merv Griffin.]
• He was the original “Jeopardy!” host. [Who is Art Fleming?]

Now that Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston are split, who do you think should become Hollywood’s new ‘Golden Couple’?

Today’s Question: Women can detect THIS smell better than any other.    
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The odor of musk, which is associated with male bodies.

‘Health’ is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition of “BS”!


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