Monday, March 28, 2005        Edition: #2999
Now With More Bull And Less Sheet!

BS FROM THE WEEKEND TABLOIDS:
• TONIGHT “The Bachelor 7″ debuts, starring actor Charlie O’Connell. The 10th season (counting “The Bachelorette” seasons) will be the franchise’s last unless it can pick up some viewers. (“People Magazine”)
• TONIGHT Cameron Diaz’s new MTV show “Trippin’” debuts. Along with guest stars that include Drew Barrymore, Rebecca Romijn, Kid Rock & Jessica Alba, Cameron will explore some of the most exotic, environmentally unique places on the planet. (RealityBlurred.com)
• Hollywood power couple Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt are officially calling it quits after 4.5 years of marriage. Aniston filed for divorce FRIDAY, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’ and asking for division of ‘community and quasi-community assets’, but not spousal support. She does, however, ask that Brad pay all the legal fees. (“News of the World”)
• Jennifer Lopez is selling her $11-million Miami Beach home even though she’s said to be sad to leave the mansion that includes 11 fireplaces and a dock for her private yacht. So why dump it? Seems the place holds too many memories of her failed engagement to Ben Affleck. (“Teen Hollywood”)
• Harrison Ford loved filming his new thriller “The Wrong Element” in Vancouver BC so much that he’s bought a $13-million waterfront home on Bowen Island, 15 minutes by ferry from West Vancouver’s famous Horseshoe Bay. He decided on the purchase after girlfriend Calista Flockhart and her 4-year-old son Liam came for a visit and fell for it, too. (“Star Magazine”)
• As Lindsay Lohan’s imprisoned father heads back to court THIS WEEK, he’s desperately vowing to put his troubles behind him and make a fresh start. “He really made a decision to clean [himself] up,” a friend says. (“NY Daily News”) The Lohan dysfunction apparently extends generations; now her grandmother is reportedly selling childhood pictures and videos of the singer for cash, against the family’s wishes. (“Daily Dish”)
• While filming a pair of sequels to “Pirates of the Caribbean” with Johnny Depp & Keira Knightley, 28-year-old Orlando Bloom is said to be keeping an eye out for the perfect property to buy as a place to escape the pressures of being a movie star. ‘Orli’ is said to be especially interested in the western Caribbean’s little-known Emerald Isles. (Ananova)
• A Riverside CA prison guard who escaped a car that sank in a flooded creek credits an episode of TV’s “Fear Factor” with saving her life. As her vehicle sank, Debra Swaim says she remembered an episode in which contestants had to escape a sinking car and used the techniques that worked. (“USA Today”)
• “Desperate Housewives” stars Teri Hatcher & Marcia Cross are said to be at loggerheads.
Cross is apparently fed up that Hatcher has been acting the prima donna since winning a “Golden Globe” 2 months ago. Among Hatcher’s annoying habits: showing up late for tapings and offering other actors acting advice … whether they want it or not. (“National Enquirer”) Meanwhile, over 60% of respondents in a new phone poll say that actress Heather Locklear would make the perfect addition to “Desperate Housewives”. (“The Insider”)

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Ashanti – TODAY she’s on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Black Eyed Peas – Will.i.am is partnering up with the non-profit organization Forces of Nature to aid tsunami relief.
• Britney Spears – She claims she wants to spend 2 days a week THIS SUMMER working at her pop’s restaurant in Venice CA. She trained at JJ Chill SUNDAY, learning to make smoothies and chili
• Christina Milian – TONIGHT she’s on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC-TV.
• Lenny Kravitz – He’s become such a fan of Brazil he just bought up a fabulous 1850s mansion in the hill-country near Rio de Janeiro.
• Outkast – A Florida woman has filed charges against Andre 3000 and Big Boi, claiming she’s both the writer and subject of their 2000 tune “Ms Jackson”. Jacqueline Jackson claims she wrote the song but later had it stolen from her.
• Trace Adkins – He’s signed for a promotional campaign that will find him sharing meals with contest winners at Waffle House Restaurants during upcoming concert tours.
• U2 – TONIGHT their “Vertigo Tour 2005″ kicks off in San Diego CA.

ACTUAL BS TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Teen Horrified After Downloading Skin Flick & Discovering … Mom and Dad Are Porno Stars!”
• “Vampire Poodles Go on Bloody Rampage!”
• “Guy Dials Phone Number on Restroom Wall … And Finds His Missing Mom!”
• “God’s Autograph Sells for $500-Million!”
• “Bigfoot Saves Baby From Flaming Camper!”
• “Prune Juice Makes You Stupid!”
– “Weekly World News” / “The Sun”

NO SHORTS FOR SHY SUMOS:
A tussle has broken out in Japan’s tradition-bound sumo world over the right to – wear pants.
Sumo wrestlers traditionally compete naked except for a ‘mawashi’, an arrangement of wrapped cloth that preserves a bare minimum of modesty (you know – a diaper). But now the Sumo Amateur Association has hit upon the idea of allowing shy youngsters to wear ‘Sumo Pants’, a more substantial garment similar to cycling shorts, in order to help boost the dwindling numbers of kids taking up the sport. Refusing to part with thousands of years of tradition, the sport’s professional body, the Nihon Sumo Kyokai,  has made it clear it will not allow pants into the ring.
– Reuters

PREDICTABLE VIOLENCE:
A pair of statistical researchers from the University of New Mexico claims that random acts of violence – including terrorist attacks and wars – actually follow very predictable mathematical trends. Aaron Clauset & Maxwell Young have written a paper about the phenomenon in which they claim that seemingly random and emotional outbursts of human violence actually follow math laws which are as ‘dull and predictable a the laws of gravity’. Using an aspect of statistical analysis called Power Laws, the researchers have analyzed terrorist attacks worldwide since 1968 and concluded that the next major terrorist attack will occur in about 7 years.
– “World Science”

CIRCUS COPS:
A new police motorcycle squad has been formed in Jakarta to patrol the Indonesian capital’s mean streets and also – perform circus-style stunts to entertain the public! The 25-man squad, kitted out with Harley-Davidson hogs, is expected to combine duties policing the city’s notorious traffic with weekend displays of motorcycle prowess, such as standing on the saddle, riding in formation and negotiating slaloms.
- Agence France Presse

FOR THE RECORD:
The Belgian city of St Niklaas is set to enter the “Guinness Book of Records” with the ‘Largest-Ever Easter Egg’. Belgian chocolate-maker Guylian produced the egg using over 50,000 bars of chocolate. It measures 8.32-meters high (just over 27 feet), beating a 1996 record set in South Africa. Some 26 craftsman put in 525 work-hours to build the 1,950-kg (4,299-lb) egg. But a local official says it won’t be eaten because after a week in the weather, it won’t be very tasty.
– Ananova

BS AMAZING FACT:
THIS MONTH at a robotics conference in San Diego CA, 3 different robotic arms were pitted against a 17-year-old girl in an arm wrestling competition. The high-schooler took 2 of the 3 arms down in 4 seconds, and polished off the 3rd arm in 26 seconds.
– “Scientific American”

AND WE QUOTE:
• “It’s an interesting idea, but I don’t think he’d show up half the time. I can’t imagine what the insurance policy would be like.”
– Donald Trump, refuting reports he’d like to sign Michael Jackson to a long-term Vegas performance contract.
• “The ‘Jesus’ tattoo on my hand keeps me from masturbating.”
– Ex-Korn guitarist Brian ‘Head’ Welch on the advantages of being a born-again.
• “I’ve lost everything. When I was down to $200, even my entourage wouldn’t talk to me anymore.”
– Fallen movie star Mickey Rourke telling “Rolling Stone” he’s so busted he now gets a weekly allowance from his accountant. (Do the homeless have an ‘entourage’?)

THE BULL SHEET 03.28.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [54] Karen Kain, Hamilton ON, retired prima ballerina, now ‘Artist in Residence’ with National Ballet of Canada

1955 [50] Reba McEntire, McAlester OK, country singer with 30 #1 singles, 14 #1 albums (“Does He Love You”)/TV sitcom actress (“Reba” since 2001)/Broadway actress (“Annie Get Your Gun”)

1970 [35] Vince Vaughn, Minneapolis MN, movie actor (“Be Cool”, “Old School”)

1981 [24] Julia Stiles, NYC, movie actress (“The Bourne Supremacy”, “Mona Lisa Smile”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Something on a Stick Day”, celebrating corn dogs, shish kebabs, Popsicles, ice cream bars, and anything else that’s served on a stick. (Beer? Sex?)

TODAY is “Easter Monday”. A couple of odd traditions …
• On Easter Monday in 19th-century England, some counties such as Lancashire and Cheshire practised ‘heaving’ when the men lifted women, and on Easter Tuesday women ‘heaved’ men. The process involves 2 people joining hands across each other’s wrists, having the person to be ‘heaved’ sit on the arms, and then carrying her/him several yards along a street. (In-studio experiment!)
• TODAY the annual “Easter Egg Roll” will be held on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington DC. Originally it was staged on the grounds of the US Capitol but the effects of so many picnicking & egg-rolling kids caused Congress to forbid the grounds to be used as a playground. In 1878, President Rutherford B Hayes shifted the event to the White House lawn.

TODAY, according to some historians, was the date originally given for the nativity of Christ until Rome later decreed that December 25th should be the date, in order to divert attention from the pagan festival Saturnalia. So … Merry Christmas!

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1930 [75] Turkish cities of Constantinople and Angora are renamed Istanbul and Ankara

1994 [11] 1st ‘Eggvertising’ as a phone company ad is printed on eggs in Britain (and that’s no yolk!)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
[Tues] Vietnam Veterans Day
[Wed] Hot Dog Day
[Wed] Doctor’s Day
[Wed] “Beauty Shop” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] April Fools Day
[Sat] 18th “Kids’ Choice Awards”
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
[Sun] “2005 Juno Awards” (Winnipeg MB)

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Cleaning Week
Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Week
Egg Salad Week
Sleep Awareness Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOU’RE A CHOCOHOLIC:

• You’ve taught your kids not to take candy from strangers … UNLESS it’s chocolate.
• A bartender has cut you off for too many shots of crème de cacao.
• You just ran out of all the Glosettes your buried in the backyard for the winter.
• You have no patience for ‘cute candy’, preferring instead something that comes in a ‘brick’.
• The only reason you want to save the rain forest is to save the cocoa trees.
• You named your daughter ‘Hershey’.
• You own a chocolate Lab … and help him lick himself.

GOOD OR BAD?
Ask a listener or studio guest to rate the following as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ as you read the items off rapid-fire …
• Cellphones with video-cams.
• Zip-lock baggies.
• Smart cars.
• Teeth-whitening strips.
• Movie sequels.
• TV ads for bladder disorders.
• Highway signs that tell you which restaurants are available at the next exit.
• Toothpaste with baking soda in it.
• Automated phone messages from your kid’s school.
• Marshmallow Peeps.
(Makes a good bit for voting on your Website.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• If screw-ups were dollars, I’d be a millionaire!
• Queen Elizabeth has sent Camilla Parker Bowles a nice present to say sorry for not attending her upcoming wedding … a trip to Paris with a car & chauffeur.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Studies show that having THIS ability makes you more attractive to the opposite sex.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The ability to speak a foreign language. (“Men’s Health Magazine”, March 2005)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Worry: The interest paid on trouble before it’s due.

BS FEEDBACK:
• “Hey, things are great in Albany! Our morning show went #1 and … you are a major contributor!” – Chuck Taylor, B95.5 [WYJB] Albany NY (Congrats, Chuck & Kelly!)
• “Hi guys! Pleased to say I am back on radio full-time. First thing is to get connected with the best prep service going. I am mailing you post-dated cheques … for the next year of “The Bull Sheet”. – Patrick Nicholson, THE LOUNGE [CHPQ] Parksville/Qualicum BC. (Welcome back to the pasture, Pat!)

WELCOME SHEETERS!
“The Bull Sheet” salutes new subscribers Olcay Ozkan @ RADIO ARMADA Ankara, Turkey; Kid Carson @ THE BEAT 94.5 [CFBT] Vancouver BC; and we welcome samplers this week that include Craig Huth @ CLASSIC ROCK 102.5 Deniliquin, Australia; Bette Redus @ KJOK Yuma AZ; and Atilla Sabo @ OLDIES 104.3 [WOMC] Detroit MI. You can subscribe or update your “BS” subscription by following the link at the top of the page.

 


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