Wednesday, March 9, 2005        Edition: #2986
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

TODAY “Canadian Idol” auditions roll into London ON . . .TONIGHT Dan Rather steps down as anchor & managing editor of the “CBS Evening News” after 24 years (CBS-TV will air a 1-hour tribute), however he’ll continue to work on “60 Minutes” and other assignments (veteran newsman Bob Schieffer temporarily takes over until a multi-anchor format is in place) . . . TONIGHT NBC-TV begins a series of 5 new episodes of “The West Wing” (don’t you get PO-ed with all the reruns?) just as a new Zogby poll of “West Wing” viewers finds Democrat ‘Matt Santos’ (Jimmy Smits) is far preferred over Republican ‘Arnold Vinick‘ (Alan Alda) to be the show’s next President – especially among female viewers (44-to-28% overall, 53-to-22% among women) . . . Movie director Quentin Tarantino is in early talks to write and direct a new installment in the “Friday the 13th” horror film series (“Kill Jason: Vol 11″?) . . . Aussie-based actor Russell Crowe claims in the new issue of “GQ” that Al-Qaeda hatched a bizarre plan to kidnap him back in 2001 as part of a bid to ‘culturally destabilize’ the USA, and he was given 24/7 FBI protection as a result (has he been smoking eucalyptus leaves again?) . . . FOX-TV is developing a the new reality series “Who Wants to Live Forever”, which follows people who actually listen to their doctors’ advice and make lifestyle changes in order to try to prolong their lives (some ex-smoker who loses 65 lbs will likely get run over by a bus) . . . And Britney Spears is set to appear (discreetly) topless on the cover of fashion magazine “Allure” (man, that 2-year break from show biz sure zipped by!).

• Big & Rich – THIS WEEK they’re in Deadwood SD to shoot a new music video.
• Joe Cocker – TONIGHT the soon-to-be-60 classic rocker is on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Kenny Chesney – TODAY he is still scheduled to perform at the “Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo” despite torn ankle ligaments from a household accident. The performance will use different staging and won’t require a lot of physical movement. He’s been using what’s called a ‘Game Ready Boot’ from the NFL’s Tennessee Titans to help accelerate healing. His regular “Somewhere in the Sun” tour concerts will now debut MARCH 17th in Tupelo MS.

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Leather Spinster’ – A heterosexual or asexual woman who is happily unmarried and has no desire to seek a mate. (The name comes from a book title.)
• ‘Dooced’ – To lose your job for something you posted on your blog or Website. (“I’ve been dooced just for uploading that naked photo of the boss’s wife!”)
• ‘Modders’ – Slang for ‘computer modifiers’ who enjoy revving up a PC’s performance and dressing up computer cases much like an auto enthusiast would customize a car. (“Thanks to modders like Eduardo, we have to tell new employees not to expect hydraulics on their work stations.”)

Every pope has a chief of staff, called the ‘Camerlengo’. When a pope dies, this cardinal chamberlain’s duty is to certify that he is indeed dead. The ritual tradition is to strike him on the forehead with a silver hammer, call his baptismal name 3 times and place a cloth over his mouth. If the pope does not respond, the Camerlengo declares him dead, authorizes a death certificate and then seals the papal living apartments. Later, the silver hammer is used to scratch and break the papal ring and seal, so no documents can be forged in his name. The current Camerlengo is Eduardo Cardinal Martinez Somalo. The current favorite to replace John Paul II (if and when) is no-fun conservative, Cardinal Ratzinger. (“Camerlengo’s silver hammer came down upon his head …”)

8 artists from Thailand have entered the “Guinness Book of World Records” after selling a painting for $39,000. That doesn’t sound like a spectacular amount until you realize the ‘artists’ are – elephants. At the Mae Sa Elephant Camp they’ve been trained for years by prominent painters to create both abstract and realistic paintings, making them the world’s only pachyderm painting group. Their painting “Cold Wind, Swirling Mist, Charming Lanna Number One” has been sold to an American art lover. Profits go to care for the 78 elephants currently living at the camp. (The title apparently has something to do with an elephant taking a leak.)
– Australia’s ABC Network

The US Air Force recently spent $25,000 for a study by a company called Warp Drive Metrics to investigate the feasibility of – ‘teleportation’. Yep, they wanted to know if and when it will be possible to have matter dematerialized at one place and recreated at another, just like on “Star Trek”. Perhaps not surprisingly, the study concludes that we are still a long way from being able to teleport either human beings or inanimate objects. (Hey, we could have told them that for 5 bucks!)
– NBC News

A family in Buvikasen, Norway had barely risen from bed recently when they heard the doorbell ring on a frosty morning. Heavy breathing could be heard from the veranda, but it was difficult to make out who the looming figure was on the other side of the door. Finally, the family realized that they were being paid a surprisingly direct visit from a moose that had been roaming near their home in recent weeks. The doorbell rang one more time before the large visitor apparently changed its mind and ran off. (Okay, how do you think he did it – hoof or snout?)
– “Aftenposten”

New legislation is being introduced by the UK government that will protect – goldfish. If and when the law goes into effect, owners could face prosecution if the fish-bowl or tank is not of appropriate size and even if the gravel is not cleaned. Leaving dead fish in the bowl would also be outlawed. (What about the ‘big flush’ into the next world?)
– “The Sun”

New Zealand researchers say that smoking cannabis virtually doubles the risk of developing mental illnesses such as schizophrenia. Their study suggests it’s likely due to chemical changes in the brain caused by too much ‘roasting up against the stem’. The study followed the medical histories of more than 1,000 people for 25 years. (Man, that’s a lot of late-night pizzas.)
– BBC News

• A 61-year-old retired teacher in Wojnowice, Poland who got a medical checkup for a piercing headache was informed he had a – 5-inch knife embedded in his head. The blade had been driven in 4 days earlier when the handle snapped off after he fell over a stool. Miraculously, the blade missed all major blood vessels and nerves, and has successfully been removed. (ANI)
• 19-year-old construction worker Joseluis Franco of Port St Lucie FL accidentally shot himself in the eye with a nail gun. That’s happened numerous times, but what makes this case unique is – he then proceeded to calmly yank the 2.5-inch spike from his eye socket while waiting for an ambulance to show up. But now he must be even braver – his boss says he’s not sure whether insurance will cover the bills. (“NY Post”)

Dr Lloyd Smith, president of the American Podiatric Medical Association, says current trends in footwear fashion are very bad for women’s feet. Super high heels with very narrow toes create new problems and exacerbate existing conditions. Smith says the ideal shoe has the following qualities …
• It has a relatively flat sole.
• The heel fits snugly into the shoe.
• There’s lots of room in the ‘toe box’ for your tootsies.
• The uppers are constructed of soft materials.
• It has laces to make it adjustable.
(These tips will ensure your total comfort while you’re home alone and miserable on Saturday night.)
– “NY Times”

If your cat’s name ends in an ‘ee’ sound – such as ‘Puffy’ – it will respond more readily than if it had another name.

 “I don’t know.”
– 38-year-old actor Benicio Del Toro when questioned in an interview for “Esquire” magazine if he had sex with 20-year-old actress Scarlett Johansson in an elevator after LAST YEAR’S Academy Awards. (How exciting would your life have to be for that to slip your mind?)


1943 [62] Charles Gibson, Evanston IL, TV host (“Good Morning America” since 1987, “20/20″ since 1998)

1964 [41] Juliette Binoche, Paris, France, movie actress (“Chocolat”, Oscar-“The English Patient”)

1980 [25] Chingy (Howard Bailey Jr), St Louis MO, rapper (“One Call Away”, “Right Thurr”)

1986 [19] Brittany Snow, Tampa FL, TV actress (‘Meg Pryor’ on “American Dreams” since 2002)

1987 [18] Bow Wow (Shad Moss), Columbus OH, movie actor (“Johnson Family Vacation”, “Like Mike”)/rap protegé of Snoop Dogg (“My Baby”, “That’s My Name”)

TODAY, March 9th, is considered “Barbie Doll’s Birthday” by toymaker Mattel because it’s the day they first trotted her out at the “New York International Toy Fair” in 1959. More than 800 million have since been sold, making it the most successful toy ever produced. The 1st ‘Barbie’ doll came in a black & white swimsuit with the full name ‘Barbie Roberts’ on the box.

TODAY is “Amerigo Vespucci Day” commemorating the Italian’s 1451 birth in Florence. He’s the marginally-successful explorer that a European mapmaker chose as namesake for the ‘New World’ – as in ‘North Amerigo’. Had he used the last name ‘Vespucci’ instead, things would have sounded a lot different – North and South Vespucci?

TODAY is also —
• “Panic Day”, when you’re encouraged to run around all day telling people you just can’t handle it anymore. (In other words, a regular day.)
• “St Frances of Rome Day”, the patron saint of motorists and housewives, who is said to have never argued with her husband in 40 years of marriage. (This woman really was a saint!)
• “Employee Appreciation Day” (Cool! Free lunch?)

1997 [08] Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Céline Dion become the 1st recipients of the new ‘International Achievement Award’ at the “Juno Awards”

1997 [08] Notorious BIG (Christopher Wallace) dies at age 24 after LA drive-by shooting

1964 [41] 1st Ford ‘Mustang’ produced

[Thurs] Mario Day
[Thurs] Osama Bin Laden’s birthday
[Fri] Worship of Tools Day
[Sat] Middle Name Pride Day
[Sun] Ear Muff Day
[Sun] Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Mon] 20th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction
[Mon-Mar 18] World Figure Skating Championships (Moscow)
This Week Is . . . Help Someone See Week / Universal Women’s Week
This Month Is . . . Women’s History Month / Poison Prevention Awareness Month


• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• Is it procrastination if you decide to postpone it RIGHT NOW?
• Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
• If you are one-in-a-million, does that mean that there are 6,337 of you?
• What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?
• In what order should you apply moisturizer, sunscreen, bug spray, and makeup?
• What do batteries run on?

You run down the list while a caller or studio guest tries to decide if each is an actual article from a women’s magazine … or just a load of BS.
• “What’s Your Animal Style?” [“Chatelaine”]
• “10 Things You Don’t Know About Love” [“Redbook”]
• “15 Excruciating Ways to Really Hurt Him!” [BS]
• “Simple, Sexy Beauty Moves You’ll Want to Make This Season” [“Marie Claire”]
• “Girlfriends – Can They Help Your Marriage?” [“Ladies’ Home Journal”]
• “He’ll Like This Technique So Much, He’ll Offer to Clean the House!” [BS]
• “Eat More, Weigh Less!” [“Glamour”]
• “Get Your Dream Hair!” [“Good Housekeeping”]
• “Wicked Ways to Find His Weak Spot!” [BS]
• “6 New Bedroom Colors That Say Love Me All Night!” [BS]
• “17 Ways to Make Good Things Last Longer!” [“Chatelaine”]
• “His Frisky Wish List Revealed!” [“Cosmopolitan”]
• “He Was My Friend … And Then I Slept With Him!” [BS]

• What do you think is the most soothing sound?
• If you could ‘unknow’ one thing you know, what would it be?

• If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly … very slowly.
• I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

Today’s Question: It requires 72 muscles for you to do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Speak one word.

When a pit bull romances your leg, it’s best to fake an orgasm.


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