Friday, March 4, 2005        Edition: #2983
Sheet Happens!

Martha Stewart is scheduled to be released from prison in West Virginia as early as TODAY and at the latest SUNDAY; she’ll then serve out her remaining 5 months of ‘confinement’ at her 153-acre, $16-million estate in Katonah NY where she’ll be free to throw house parties – as long as no other convicted felons attend (her financial advisors, for instance) . . . TODAY the Robert Blake murder trial is expected to be turned over to the jury (who will likely come to a decision shortly after he dies of old age) . . . SATURDAY “Canadian Idol” auditions warm up vocal chords in Sudbury ON . . . 6-months-pregnant actress Denise Richards has filed for divorce from actor Charlie Sheen after 3 years of marriage, due to ‘irreconcilable differences’ (translation: Charlie fell off the loyalty wagon) . . . David Cronenberg’s classic horror movie “The Fly” is being turned into an opera, featuring music by Toronto-born composer Howard Shore (“The Aviator”, “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy) . . . Actress Geena Davis is set to star as the 1st female US President in the ABC-TV drama pilot “Commander in Chief” (in Hollywood, everybody gets work during pilot season) . . . The Entertainment Software Ratings Board has introduced a new designation ‘E10-plus’ for everyone 10 and older, that will fall between ‘E’ for all ages and ‘T’ for teenagers (translation: these games are sorta violent, sorta sexually-suggestive and feature ‘mild’ swearing) . . . The WB is planning a new reality show called “Survival of the Richest” and is currently looking to cast people with at least $10 million and no job to star in what it calls a cross between “The Simple Life” and “The Apprentice”.

• Christina Milian – THIS MORNING she’s on “Live With Regis & Kelly”, then TONIGHT she does “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Eagles – SATURDAY they launch a 20-date North American tour in Charleston SC in support of their MARCH 15th box set release.
• Nelly – Ministers from 20 churches in Jonesboro AR are protesting his upcoming performance at Arkansas State University, claiming his lyrics contain raunchy references to sex, drugs and violence, and are demeaning to women.
• Queen Latifah – TOMORROW she hosts “Saturday Night Live” on NBC-TV.
• 3 Doors Down – TODAY they’re on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Usher – SATURDAY the 90-minute concert “One Night, One Star: Usher Live” airs live on Showtime from San Juan, Puerto Rico.
• Willie Nelson – A bill has been introduced in the Texas state legislature to rename a section of State Highway 130 ‘Willie Nelson Road’.

• “Be Cool” (PG-13 Crime Comedy): In this sequel to 1995’s “Get Shorty”, ‘Chili Palmer’ (John Travolta) becomes disenchanted with the movie industry so he tries the music industry, where he meets and romances the widow of a music exec (Uma Thurman). Other notables in the cast: Outkast’s Andre 3000 as a gangster, “Dip It Low” singer Christina Milian as a wannabe star, Vince Vaughn as a dim-witted producer, Harvey Keitel as a shady manager, Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler as himself, and wrestler-turned actor The Rock, who plays a gay bodyguard and actually sings Loretta Lynn’s “You Ain’t Woman Enough”. The movie’s soundtrack CD should be a sizzler, with 38 tunes to pick from.
• “The Pacifier” (PG Action Comedy): Vin Diesel plays a disgraced Navy SEAL who is given the assignment of protecting a family of 5 kids from enemies of their recently deceased father, a government scientist whose top-secret experiment is still somewhere in the house. Predictably, the tough guy discovers that childcare is his toughest mission yet. Partly shot in Toronto and Mississauga ON.
• “The Jacket” (R-Rated Thriller): After being sent to a mental institution, a military veteran (Adrien Brody) is put on a heavy course of drugs and locked in a drawer. Oddly, this process seems to send him into the future, where he meets a woman (Keira Knightley) who may be able to save his life. Knightley credits the food poisoning she had during her audition for landing her the role of a sickly alcoholic. Kris Kristofferson & Jennifer Jason Leigh co-star as doctors. Partly shot in Montréal.

A Russian car-maker has come up with a new vehicle to compete with the US-made Hummer.
The ‘Kombat‘ is said to be bigger, faster, heavier and – thirstier. The cheaper model offers a mini-bar, DVD player, TV screens and can defend against machine gun and sniper fire. The most expensive version is also able to deflect anti-tank rounds. (M2 .50 caliber machine gun extra.)
– “The Guardian”

A nationwide survey that asked 1,000 men and women about PMS made some interesting discoveries. Incorrect beliefs men have about PMS …
• 42% claim that men can experience their own version of PMS.
• 33% believe there is no cure for PMS.
• 21% believe PMS is inherited.
• 12% say PMS is not real, it’s all in a woman’s head.
• 6% believe PMS is contagious.
And how do men and women say they can tell a woman is suffering from PMS?
• 40% say she emits a negative force.
• 31% say she’s irrational and unstable.
• 19% say she’s less creative and unable to make a decision.
– “Medical News Today”

A new study by VISA finds an increasing number of affluent Americans, aged 35-to-54 whose household income is at least $125,000, report embarrassment with being identified as ‘rich’. Although their income is at least triple the national median, 72% say they don’t like using the terms ‘wealthy’ or ‘well off’ to describe themselves. These folks aren’t buying bling, but instead hide their wealth and opt to live more modestly. And they look for bargains – 72% regularly clip coupons, and many prefer shopping at club discount or warehouse stores. (On the other end of the showin’ off scale – any well-heeled rap star.)
– “Social Studies”

A trio of business professors from HEC Montréal, Ryerson University and Western Kentucky University have conducted a study on how various scents affect consumer buying patterns. Among their discoveries – a citrus smell of oranges with a hint of lemon seems to magically encourage shoppers to spend more money. (If this is true, how does anyone make it out of the supermarket produce department without going broke?)
– “Globe & Mail”

A University of Pennsylvania sociology study suggests that the true measure of adulthood is not reaching the age of 18 or 21 but reaching 5 separate benchmarks – leaving home, finishing school, getting married, having a child, and being financially independent. By that standard, only 31% of today’s men and 46% of women have reached adulthood by age 30. Interestingly, those figures are about half of those from 45 years ago. Why? Researchers say it may be because these days it takes much longer to secure a full-time job that pays enough to support a family. (Don’t mention any of this to grandpa or you’ll hear all about how he had to walk uphill both ways to his 3 full-time jobs in order to put baloney on the table.)
– “Washington Post”

• “It would depend on a few variables. What kind of toothpaste is he using? Is he ruggedly handsome like me? Does he have nice lips?”
– The Rock (Dwayne Johnson), who plays a homosexual in “Be Cool”, speculating in “Us Weekly” if he’d actually kiss a guy on-screen.
• “He didn’t do anything for my career except go out and not come home at night.”
– Lindsay Lohan telling “W” magazine her estranged father has no right to try and collect on the millions she’s made in Hollywood.


1954 [51] Catherine O’Hara, Toronto ON, movie actress (“Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”, “Home Alone 1 & 2″)/former TV comedian (“SCTV” 1976-81)

1958 [47] Patricia Heaton, Bay Village OH, TV sitcom actress (‘Debra Barone’ on “Everybody Loves Raymond” 1996-2005)

1971 [34] Jason Sellers, Gilmer TX, country singer (“A Matter Of Time”, “Strawberry Girl”)

Classic rock musician Alan Clark (Dire Straits) is 53; Magician Penn Jillette (Penn & Teller) is 50;
Rock guitarist John Frusciante (Red Hot Chili Peppers) is 35; Model Niki Taylor is 30; Movie actress Eva Mendes (“Hitch”) is 27; Movie actor Jake Lloyd (“Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace”) is 16.

TV personality Ed McMahon (“Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson”) is 82; Canadian artist Ken Danby (“The Goalie”) is 65; Movie director Rob Reiner (“A Few Good Men”) is 58; TV host Tom Arnold (“The Best Damn Sports Show Period”) is 46; NBA star Shaquille O’Neal (Miami Heat) is 33.

TODAY is –
• March 4th. So march forth! [SFX: march music]
• “Hug a GI Day”. (‘Cause you might be saying goodbye.)
• “Scrapbooking Day”, honoring the hobby that’s experienced a huge surge in popularity. More than just saving mementoes, modern scrapbooking involves sorting, cropping, pasting, and writing captions for chosen pictures. Professional ‘scrapbooking kits’ are now hot sellers.
• “Poundcake Day”, honoring the hearty dessert that sits in your stomach like a lead anchor. (Coincidently, tomorrow is ‘Pound Salt Day’.)

• “The Brier”, as the Canadian Men’s Curling Championship begins sweeping at Rexall Place in Edmonton AB and continues through March 13th.
PHONER: 780.408.2005
• “Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race XXXIII” starts mushing 1,049 miles from Anchorage to Nome AK. World’s toughest race?
PHONER: 907.376.5155 (Iditarod Trail Committee-Wasilla AK)
• “Mother-in-Law Day”, first celebrated 71 years ago on March 5, 1934. A similar “Mother-in-Law’s Day” is held on the 4th Sunday in October. To stay out of trouble, best to remember both!
• “Multiple Personalities Day”, saluting the adage ‘We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.’ (Can people with multiple personalities deduct themselves as dependents on their income tax?)
• “Unique Names Day”, honoring people with unusual handles … the offspring of celebrities, for instance. (See BULL’S BITS!)

• “Frozen Food Day”, commemorating the first ‘Individually Packaged Frozen Foods’, created by Clarence Birdseye in Springfield MA 75 years ago (1930). He got the idea after seeing Canadians thawing and eating naturally frozen fish.

1994 [11] Canadian actor John Candy dies of heart failure at 43 while filming “Wagons East” in Mexico

2001 [04] Glenn Hughes, the ‘Man in Leather’ with ‘70s disco group the Village People, dies at age 50

1877 [128] 1st ‘microphone’ (thanks to Emile Berliner, you have a job!)

1902 [103] ‘Triple-A’, the ‘American Automobile Association’, is founded

1943 [62] Actress Greer Garson takes 5.5 minutes to accept her Academy Award for “Mrs Miniver”, considered an Oscar acceptance speech record (a tedious total that becomes more and more exaggerated over the years)

[Sun] Australian Grand Prix (Formula One season opener)
[Mon] Commonwealth Day
[Mon] Stop Bad Service Day
[Mon] “The Contender” premieres on NBC-TV
[Tues] Aunts Day
[Tues] International Women’s Day
[Tues] Plant a Flower Day
[Wed] Dan Rather retires as “CBS Evening News” anchor
This Week Is . . . Manufacturing Week / Poison Prevention Week
This Month Is . . . Humorists Are Artists Month / Feminie Empowerment Month


• Whyzit when they ‘dust’ for prints on “CSI” they put dust on, but when we ‘dust’ our living room we take dust off?
• If we get floatation devices in airplanes, whyzit we don’t we get parachutes on the ferry?
• Whyzit Superman would ‘leap over the tallest building in a single bound’ when he can fly?
• Whyzit the only time things fall into the bathroom sink is when the plug isn’t in?
• Whyzit ‘overtones’ and ‘undertones’ are the same thing?
• Whyzit when parents say “I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed” it actually hurts more?
• Whyzit women like to receive flowers but never send them to their man?
• Whyzit the colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it?

Who’s the famous parent(s) of these unfortunate kids?
• Elijah Bob Patricus Guggi Q [U2’s Bono]
• Apple [Gwyneth Paltrow & Coldplay’s Chris Martin]
• Scout LaRue, Rumer and Tallulah [Demi Moore & Bruce Willis]
• Truman and Chester [Tom Hanks]
• Daisy Boo [TV chef Jamie Oliver]
• Jett [John Travolta & Kelly Preston]
• Caspar and Clementine [Claudia Schiffer]
• Maddox [Angelina Jolie]
• Blue Angel [U2’s The Edge]
• Phinnaeus and Hazel [Julia Roberts]
• Coco Riley [Courteney Cox Arquette]
• Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz [David & Victoria Beckham]
• Prince Michael and Prince Michael II aka ‘Blanket’ [Michael Jackson]
• Lourdes and Rocco [Madonna]
• Ziggy [Bob Marley]

Today’s Question: 41% of parents have given their children one of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A nickname.

A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.


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