Tuesday, March 30, 2004        Edition: #2756
Sheeters Always Prosper!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT country star Kenny Chesney appears on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” . . . Word has it actress Penelope Cruz & co-star Matthew McConaughey have become a hot couple while shooting the movie “Sahara” in Morocco (hmm, the reason she & Tom Cruise split up or just a rebound affair?) . . . CBS-TV has put together a 10-episode reality series designed to find the next Martha Stewart, with contestants competing in household challenges in an upscale Connecticut farmhouse (maybe Martha’s renting it out while she’s … er … away?) . . . A Hollywood insider claims Orlando Bloom is at the top of the list of names to take over the role of ‘James Bond’ whenever Pierce Brosnan is done with it (14-year-old girlies cheer!) . . . Brit soccer superstar David Beckham (now with Real Madrid) has been offered a cameo in the upcoming ‘Pink Panther’ prequel movie, “The Birth of the Pink Panther”, playing – a Brit soccer superstar (whoa, what a stretch!) . . . A flack for actress Krista Allen says it was she who ended the relationship with George Clooney, because he wasn’t ‘treating her with the respect she feels she deserves’ (translation from Hollywood-speak: He was screwing around) . . . Actress Drea De Matteo will co-star on Matt LeBlanc’s upcoming “Friends” spinoff “Joey” as ‘Joey Tribbiani’s’ sister, but will also continue in her role as ‘Adriana’ on the “The Sopranos” . . . First ABBA songs were turned into the musical “Mamma Mia!”, then Queen tracks were used as the basis for “We Will Rock You”, now producers have approached George Michael & former bandmate Andrew Ridgeley about creating “Wham – The Musical” (ok, we’ll say it … UNCLE!).

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Something’s Gotta Give” (Comedy – DVD): Jack Nicholson plays a perennial playboy with a libido much younger than his years and a girlfriend to match (Amanda Peet). He ends up falling for her mother (Oscar-nominated Diane Keaton) but must fight off competition from a much younger man (Keanu Reeves).
• “House of Sand & Fog” (Drama – DVD): Jennifer Connelly & Ben Kingsley star as combatants driven to desperate measures to claim ownership of a house. What begins as a conflict over a small, rundown bungalow spirals into a clash of cultures that propels everyone involved toward a tragic climax. Kingsley was Oscar-nominated for his role.
• “Brother Bear” (Family – DVD/VHS): Animated Disney adventure about a young Inuit hunter (voiced by Joaquin Phoenix) who’s transformed into a bear and discovers a whole new perspective on the world. Features 5 songs from Phil Collins, and the voices of ‘hosers’ Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas as a pair of misguided moose.
• “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (Horror – DVD/VHS): A remake of the 1974 thriller about ‘Leatherface’ and his family of Texas backwoods cannibals, starring Jessica Biel & Eric Balfour.

BULL TALES:
• The Tota Topete School in Mexico City is offering classes to teach girls how to become – perfect wives. The classes for 13- to 18-year-old girls include lessons on cooking, sewing, ironing, childcare and home decor. A school spokesman says these skills are in danger of being lost as more and more women concentrate on their careers, something that’s simply not possible if you are a wife and/or mother. (Wow, time to get Gloria Steinem on a jet to Mexico!)
• Voters in the German village of Ballendorf have been ordered back to the polls after the winning mayoral candidate was found to have bribed them with – free beer and sausages. (Constituents voted for a recall after it was discovered the cheap bastard wasn’t offering any sauerkraut.)  
• Austrian lung specialist Dr Friedrich Bischinger claims that one of the best ways to stay healthy is to – pick your nose and eat it. It seems snot, which is just dried-up mucus, helps to strengthen the body’s immunity. (Take 2 boogers and call me in the morning.)
• A radio DJ in Romania locked himself in the studio and threatened to jump off a balcony if his broadcast was cut off. Alin Farcas of MIX-FM Bucharest told listeners he was holding out for overdue wages – about $425. He lasted 4 hours before cops busted in. (Wow … you can make a whopping 425 in radio? And there’s a job opening? See ya!)

NEW DISEASE:
Researchers say millions of office workers are now suffering from ‘Irritable Desk Syndrome’. It seems long work hours, cluttered desks and poor posture are actually making people ill. Some highlights from a new NEC-Mitsubishi office worker poll …
• 67% say they’re more tied to their desks than they were 2 years ago.
• 40% say they’re upset by too much clutter on their desks.
• 35% say they suffer from back or neck pain because they knowingly sit in an awkward position.
Among the tips experts say will help fight ‘IDS’ – take time for regular stretching exercises, take regular breaks away from your desk, and give your desk personal touches to remind you that there’s life outside of work.
– BBC News Online

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• According to an online costume retailer, sales of ‘crowns of thorns’ are up 240% from 3 months ago.
• Microsoft is developing software to run Windows XP in Inuktitut, making it the first time the system will be able to operate in a Canadian aboriginal language.

AND WE QUOTE:
“Our generation are the new old. I remember what someone of 60 looked like when I was a kid. They didn’t look like me.” – Soon-to-be-67 actor Jack Nicholson, quoted in “Globe & Mail”.

THE BULL SHEET 03.30.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [67] Warren Beatty, Richmond VA, movie actor/director/producer (“Bugsy”, Oscar-“Reds”)/2000 Irving Thalberg Award/Mr Annette Bening since 1992

1945 [59] Eric Clapton, Ripley ENG, classic rock singer/guitarist (his new album “Me and Mr Johnson” salutes legendary blues guitarist Robert Johnson, one of his greatest musical influences; Grammy Award-“Change the World”) who’s made it into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 3 times – The Yardbirds (1992), Cream (1993), as a solo performer (2000)  FACTOID: His real father was a Canadian pilot but he didn’t find that out until he was 53.

1950 [54] Robbie Coltrane, Rutherglen SCOT, movie actor (‘Rubeus Hagrid’ in the “Harry Potter” films)

1964 [40] Tracy Chapman, Cleveland OH, folk/pop singer (“Give Me One Reason”, “Fast Car”)

1968 [36] Celine Dion, Charlemagne QC, pop singer (“My Heart Will Go On”, “Falling Into You” album released in 1996 sold over 25 million copies worldwide) who’s completed 1 year of a 3-year, $100-million deal to give 200 performances a year at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas/Canadian Walk of Fame (2003)  FACTOID: She underwent in-vitro fertilization to become a mom to Rene-Charles Angelil in 2001 and has a 2nd fertilized embryo in storage … a ‘bun in the fridge’, as it were.

1979 [25] Norah Jones, NYC, pop singer (“Sunrise”, 5 Grammy Awards for 8-times platinum “Come Away With Me” album)/boyfriend is her bassist Lee Alexander/daughter of legendary Indian musician Ravi Shankar

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[MLB] 2004 season opens in Japan (NY Yankees vs Tampa Bay Devil Rays @ 5am EST)

TODAY is “Doctors’ Day”, commemorating the 1st use of anaesthetic during surgery by Dr Crawford W Long in 1842. He got the idea by observing party-goers inebriated on nitrous oxide and sulfuric ether. See “Bull’s Bits” for some truly weird notes written on medical charts.

TODAY is “Seward’s Day”, the anniversary of the 1867 US purchase of Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million or less than 2 cents an acre. At the time it was called ‘Seward’s Folly’ because Secretary of State William Seward was considered crazy for promoting the deal.

TODAY is “National Badminton Day”, honoring the sport anyone can play in their backyard … badly.  TRIVIA: What was the sport originally called … ‘Beat the Bird’, ‘Poona’, or ‘Shuttlecock’? [It never really caught on when it was first introduced as ‘poona’ in the early 1800s.]

THIS WEEK is “National Cleaning Week”, held annually the last week in March to remind us to tackle those Spring cleaning jobs … clean out those closets and drawers and donate the usable stuff, then recycle the rest of the stuff into great art projects (just before you throw them out).

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1964 [40] 1st edition of TV game show “Jeopardy!” (For $500 … He was the original “Jeopardy” host. Who is Art Fleming? Beep beep!)  See “Bull’s Bits” for a radio version.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1858 [146] Hyman Lipman invents 1st ‘pencil with attached eraser’ (needed something to chew on?). If you took an average pencil and made a continuous line until all the lead was used up, the line would be an amazing 35-miles-long. However, it’s estimated that the eraser on the average pencil is only capable of erasing about 5 miles of print. Maybe that’s the reason you see so many pencils with just a tiny nub of rubber left.

1889 [115] America’s 1st ‘golf course’ opens, in Yonkers NY

1935 [69] 1st ‘Newfie time’ as Newfoundland changes zone to 3.5 hours West of Greenwich

1954 [50] Canada’s 1st ‘subway’ opens in Toronto

1980 [24] ‘People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ (PETA) is founded by Ingrid Newkirk & Alex Pacheco

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1987 [17] On the 134th anniversary of the birth of the artist, Vincent van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” is sold for $39.85 million, more than triple the previous record for an auctioned painting (TODAY’s a great day to play ‘Pin the Ear on the Van Gough’!)

1998 [06] Largest single lottery prize in Canada as Bernard & Krista Nauss of Parkhill ON win $22.5 million in ‘Super 7′

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Bunsen Burner Day
[Thurs] April Fools Day
[Sat] 17th Kids’ Choice Awards
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins (‘Spring forward’ at 2 am)
[Sun] Juno Awards
[Sun] Palm Sunday
This Week Is . . . Sleep Awareness Week (on this show, it’s ‘Lack of Sleep Awareness Week’)
This Month Is . . . Professional Social Work Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
ACTUAL BS NOTES WRITTEN ON MEDICAL CHARTS:

• “The patient has no past history of suicides.”
• “Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.”
• “She is numb from her toes down.”
• “Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.”
• “The patient refused an autopsy.”
• “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
• “Husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
• “The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.”

BS RADIO JEOPARDY!:
(Get an Mp3 of the theme music here … http://www.tvthemeworld.co.uk)
Just like the TV game, your contestant must respond in the form of a question. Of course they won’t be able to … that’s when you provide the zinger.
• The answer is … She moved. [The correct question is ... . What did (co-host) do when she found out that 90% of accidents occur in the home?]
• The answer is … Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry! [The correct question is ... How should you punctuate the paragraph, "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"?]
• The answer is … A deaf and dumb nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. [The correct question is ... . What’s the definition of the perfect woman?]
• The answer is … Vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech! [The correct question is ... . What’s it sound like when (co-host) goes through a flashing red light?]
• The answer is … “Humpme Dumpme”. [The correct question is ... What's Courney Love’s favorite nursery rhyme?]
• The answer is … Spot.  [The correct question is ... What would make a really dumb name for your pet zebra?]
• The answer is … She got an ‘F’ in sex. [The correct question is … Why was [co-host] upset when she got her driver’s license?]
• The answer is … He slipped off and fell down the drain. [The correct question is ... How did the world’s worst tap dancer die?]
• The answer is … Sis-boom-bah! [The correct question is ... What’s it sound like when a sheep explodes?]
• The answer is … Are You Gonna Be My Girl ? [The correct question is ... What did Bobby Brown’s cellmate ask him?]

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Think about it … a birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit all over yet everybody still rushes to get a piece.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What pet names do your kids use for their grandparents?
• What movie have you recently rented that was so bad you turned it off? (“The Mexican” anyone?)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average person eats 2 pounds of THIS per year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Lard.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

WELCOME NEW SHEETERS!
“The Bull Sheet” salutes new subscriber Nathan Knight @ THE EAGLE Winkler MB and samplers this week that include Tash @ East Coast Radio, Natal Province, South Africa; Marty Lange @ KXKX Sedalia MO; and Brad Logan @ KSJJ Bend OR. Pass the word about “BS” – we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each new subscriber you refer!

 


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