Thursday, March 18, 2004        Edition: #2748
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

Actor Christian Slater tried to get out of a $100-plus fine for speeding in his Porsche on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills by telling police he was being chased by paparazzi (who promptly took his picture getting busted) . . . A PR firm is claiming dinosaur rocker David Lee Roth owes it more than $110,000 (funny, it’s the first time he’s had any publicity in a decade!) . . . “Will & Grace” stars Eric McCormack, Debra Messing, Megan Mullally & Sean Hayes will release “Will & Grace: Who’s Your Daddy” THIS FALL, a compilations of songs inspired by the sitcom . . . “Jinx”, the ‘James Bond’ spinoff that was to star Halle Berry, was shelved when the studio decided chick action flicks are not hot (witness the “Charlie’s Angels” and “Tomb Raider” sequels) . . . Former ‘James Bond’ actor Sean Connery now has a waterfall named after him on Panama’s River Pina as thanks for supporting an archaeological expedition . . . Here’s a sure sign a show is dying –  CNBC is offering $15 to anyone who will sit in the audience for Dennis Miller’s show . . . Mel Gibson says he’s next planning a movie based on a Jewish rebellion nearly 200 years BC that led to the celebration of “Chanukah” . . . And stand in line, ladies – word has it perennial bachelor George Clooney has called it quits with actress Krista Allen.

• Blink-182 – Drummer Travis Barker broke a foot getting off a tour bus in Australia, forcing the band to cancel the rest of their Aussie dates plus several in Japan and Hawaii.
• Mary J Blige – Made a surprise appearance on Ellen DeGeneres’ TV talk show THIS WEEK and gave Ellen a diamond-encrusted watch to thank her for attending a recent concert.
• Paul McCartney – He’s following Madonna into the children’s book biz, writing “High in the Clouds”, the story of 2 squirrels and a frog who try to rescue endangered animals.
• Bono – He’ll receive an honorary degree in return for doing the commencement speech at the University of Pennsylvania MAY 17.
• P Diddy – NYC’s Acappella restaurant has created a drink in his honor called ‘The Bling-Bling’, perhaps because he’s been known to leave tips of over 60%.

Production has already halted several times on “Mr & Mrs Smith” because co-stars Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie keep giving each other a nasty flu bug (thanks in no small part to the extensive love scenes in which they swap saliva) . . . The upcoming Cole Porter movie biography  “De-Lovely”, making its world premiere at the “Cannes Film Festival” in MAY, stars Kevin Kline & Ashley Judd and features performances by Alanis Morrisette & Sheryl Crow . . . John LeCarre’s novel “The Constant Gardener“ is set almost entirely in Africa, so where are scenes for the movie version starring Ralph Fiennes shooting? Winnipeg, of course . . . After George Clooney finishes the sequel “Ocean’s Twelve”, his next film project will be “Syrina”, based on the memoirs of a former CIA operative who claims that Washington DC pen-pushers were in part to blame for 9/11.

TODAY the city-state of Singapore will lift its infamous 12-year ban on chewing gum, but only on nicotine gum for smokers trying to quit. Pfizer, the pharmaceutical giant that makes ‘Nicorette’, has sent some of its senior execs to officially launch the product. (Betcha a lot of gum-deprived Singaporeans quit smoking for a day.)

A weight-loss expert who arranges for fat people to attend ballet lessons says it’s an excellent way to take off weight. (If you don’t feel like participating, no problem – just watching a group of fat people ballet dancing will make you lose your appetite.)

British researchers are working to develop the world’s first automatic ironing machine. A team of robotics, mechanical engineering and textile experts hope to produce a working ironing robot by the end of 2006. The machine, small enough to be stored in a closet, would fold as well as iron clothes. (It’s called a girlfriend.)

There may soon be a new way to take painkillers. A Thomas Jefferson University study has found that the use of a skin patch to deliver pain medication is as effective an IV pump for controlling pain following surgery. (Cool, say goodbye to hangovers!)

Didn’t we see this on “The Sopranos”? Reports say the struggling Mafia in the US is now recruiting Sicilian mobsters, believing the homeland’s hardheaded gangsters are more likely to keep their mouths shut. Authorities worry that the Sicilian Mafia — known in the past for gunning down police and blowing up judges – might bring violent tactics to the US. (For further info, look up ‘Furio Giunta’.)

• 25% of women are dissatisfied by the size of their posterior. (The other 75% are married.)
• 30% of us are much less fearful of visiting the dentist if we’re put under general anesthesia.
• 30% of men pick their spouse as ‘the nicest person they know’, compared to just 17% of women. (Now is that nice?)
• 44% of women say they’re happy with their number of sexual experiences. Only 7% wish they had more. (These are the ones [co-host] always meets.)
• 45% of couples say they’d use their spouse’s toothbrush without giving it a second thought.
(Thankfully, only 3% say they’d share mouthwash.)
• 86% of us believe governments are addicted to gambling revenues.

• “You’ve done a nice job decorating the White House.” – Jessica Simpson when meeting US Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton during a White House tour, quoted in “Washington Post”.
• “I’m now more recognized as the star of a reality-television program than as a musician.” – Nick Lachey telling “Details” magazine he’s jealous of wife Jessica Simpson’s musical success.


1941 [63] Wilson Pickett, Prattville AL, oldies singer (“In the Midnight Hour”, “Mustang Sally”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1991)

1961 [43] Pillsbury Doughboy (aka Poppin‘ Fresh), fat guy/TV huckster

1963 [41] Vanessa Williams, Bronx NY, pop singer (“Save the Best For Last”, “Colors of the Wind”)/movie actress (“Shaft”, “Eraser”)/Broadway actress (“Into the Woods”, “Kiss of the Spider Woman”)/Mrs Rick Fox (LA Lakers) since 1999

1970 [34] Queen Latifah (Dana Owens), East Orange NJ, movie actress (“Bringing Down the House”, “Chicago”)/rap artist (Grammy Award-“UNITY”)  FACTOID: ‘Latifah’ is Arabic for ‘delicate and sensitive’.  UP NEXT: The “Barbershop” movie spinoff “Beauty Shop”, coming in NOVEMBER.

TODAY is “Forgive Mom & Dad Day”. No matter how lousy they were as parents, it’s time to let it go and get on with your life.

TODAY is “Awkward Moments Day”, a day to celebrate the humor in life’s uncomfortable
situations. (Which you never see until years later.)

SATURDAY the 22nd annual “Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic” will be played in Nome, Alaska, one of the strangest annual events in ‘adventure golf’. Participants attempt to sink bright orange balls into flagged coffee cans  sunk into the frozen sea on a 6 hole course. Par is 41. Entry fee includes golf balls, tees (old shotgun shells), snake bite remedies (small bottles of vodka) and an official certificate proving you survived. This classic has some extra guidelines …
• You must use a caddie, preferably a sled dog with a taste for Budweiser.
• Snow and ice divots do not have to be replaced.
• Beware of crab fishing holes and blowing snow.
• If your ball hits a polar bear, you lose 3 strokes. If you get the ball back from the bear, 5 strokes will be subtracted from your score.
• No swimming.
PHONER: 907.443.2645 (Bering Sea Lion’s Club)

1892 [112] Lord Stanley 1st proposes a ‘silver challenge cup for hockey’ (becomes known as the Stanley Cup)

1931 [73] 1st ‘electric razor’, marketed by Schick

1965 [39] 1st ‘space walk’ (Aleksei Leonov-USSR)

1966 [38] 1st ‘paper dress’ goes on the market, priced at $1 by Scott Paper Co

1945 [59] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in a season (Maurice ‘Rocket’ Richard-Montréal Canadiens)
1981 [23] Buffalo Sabres set NHL record of 9 goals in 1 period (vs Toronto)

[Sat] Spring begins (1:49 am EST)
[Sat] Maple Syrup Saturday
[Sat] Proposal Day
[Sun] Single Parents Day
[Sun] World Day for Elimination of Racial Discrimination
[Mon] International Goof Off Day
This Week Is . . . International Brain Awareness Week / Severe Weather Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Craft Month / International Mirth Month


• ‘Information Choreographer’ … librarian.
• ‘Media Distribution Operative’ … newspaper deliverer.
• ‘Gostopologist’ … in charge of the ‘Stop/Go’ sign at road construction site.
• ‘Suctional Engineer’ … carpet cleaner.
• ‘Destination Counselor’ … travel agent.
• ‘Hygiene Technician’ … cleaning staff.
• ‘Independent Management Consultant’ … unemployed.
(Ask listeners for more.)

1. She decorates your place.
2. She takes the ‘y’ out of ‘yours’, making it ‘ours’.
3. She gives out your home phone number.
4. She turns an overnighter into a week.
5. She colonizes your space with her stuff.

BS Q & A:
THIS WEEK is “National Sports Trivia Week”, so here’s some BS tough ones . . .
• What does the motto of the Olympics ‘Citius, Altius, Fortius’ mean? [‘Faster, Higher, Stronger’.]
• What is the high jump method of jumping head first and landing on your back called? [The ‘Fosbury Flop’, after the guy who first did it.]
• How many people out of a hundred actually make money betting on horses? [Fewer than 1 in 100 regulars actually make bucks at the race track, according to “What Are the Chances?”.)

The week’s most-searched topics on the Web …
1. WWE (‘Unforgiven’ is the latest big pay-per-view)
2. NCAA basketball (time for ‘March Madness’)
3. Britney Spears (soon we all can smell like her)
– Yahoo!

Today’s Question: The average person walks about 4 miles a year doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Making beds.

I diet; therefore, I’m cranky.

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