Friday, March 12, 2004        Edition: #2744
We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT FOX-TV debuts another truly tacky reality show, “Playing It Straight”, in which a pretty college-age hottie gets cozy with 14 sexy bachelors from whom she must pick a straight guy as her ultimate date in order to split a million bucks (if she picks a gay guy – she gets zip) . . . TONIGHT the offbeat new FOX-TV/Global series “Wonderfalls” debuts, about a cynical, twenty-something who works in a Niagara Falls souvenir shop (played by Montréal native Carole Dhavernas) . . . TONIGHT 33-year-old disgraced former figure skater Tonya Harding will strap ‘em back on, this time for the Central Hockey League’s Indianapolis Ice in a game vs the Colorado Eagles (a totally tacky publicity stunt) . . . TOMORROW Ben Affleck hosts “Saturday Night Live” and is expected to poke fun at the whole ‘Bennifer’ thing (anything to hype their upcoming movie “Jersey Girl”) . . . Meantime, J-Lo has reportedly started smoking cigars regularly following her split from Ben (how attractive!) . . . TOMORROW wrestling legends Jesse “The Body” Ventura, “Superstar” Billy Graham, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Tito Santana, Sgt Slaughter, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and “Handsome” Harley Race will be inducted into the “WWE Hall of Fame” at a NYC ceremony, as well as baseball legend and noted gambler Pete Rose (huh?) . . . It’s all a setup for SUNDAY’s sold-out “Wrestlemania XX” at Madison Square Garden (ah, a new job for Todd Bertuzzi!) . . . Oprah Winfrey was so pleased with her TV show’s recent ratings she treated over 60 employees to a free vacation at the prestigious One & Only Palmilla resort in Los Cabos, Mexico (nice boss!) . . . Tom Cruise has rushed to be with girlfriend Penelope Cruz after she collapsed while filming the new movie “Sahara” in Morocco, apparently suffering from heat exhaustion . . . Reports say Paris Hilton has been signed as the new face of Guess Jeans, and “Queer Eye” designer Tom Filicia has replaced Kirstie Alley as spokesman for Pier 1 Imports . . . Brad Pitt has built a state-of-the-art recording studio as a birthday present for wife Jennifer Aniston, who’s said to be planning to use it to record children’s songs . . . Business babes Ereka, Amy, Krista & Katrina from “The Apprentice” were offered $250,000 each to pose nude for “Playboy” but turned it down to do a scantily-clad shoot for “FHM” magazine instead – for free (what kind of sound financial thinking is that? You’re fired!)

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé, Alicia Keys & Missy Elliott – Kick off their 24-city “Ladies First Tour” TONIGHT in Sunrise FL (Greater Fort Lauderdale). Between them they’ve sold 30 million albums and won 16 Grammy Awards.
• George Michael – The aging multi-millionaire Brit pop singer says from now on he’ll only release his music free online because he doesn’t need more money and doesn’t enjoy fame.
• Prince – Fans who buy tickets to his upcoming concerts will get a free bonus – his new CD.
• Christina Aguilera – Hopes to move into movie acting, recently seeking advice from a couple of high-powered experts – Steven Speilberg and Nicole Kidman.
• Eminem – He’s spending a reported $50,000 to keep ex-wife Kim Mathers at the Sacred Heart Rehabilitation Center in Memphis for a 90-day dry-out.
• Janet Jackson – Scheduled to perform at the “Soul Train Awards” MARCH 20th, her first performance since ‘Boobgate’.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London” (Family Adventure): A CIA agent has stolen a top secret mind-control device and  ‘Secret Agent Cody Banks’ (“Malcolm in the Middle’s” Frankie Muniz) has to go undercover in London to get it back, posing as a student at an elite boarding school.
• “Secret Window” (Horror Thriller): Johnny Depp stars in this Stephen King story about a writer coming off of a troublesome divorce who finds himself stalked at his remote summer house by a psychotic stranger (John Turturro).
• “Spartan” (Thriller): Special ops officers (Val Kilmer & Derek Luke) are assigned to find the missing daughter of a high-ranking government official. But when the girl’s death is reported in the media, they begin to believe there’s a conspiracy to cover the fact she’s still alive. Written and directed by David Mamet.

HONEST, I’M STILL AT WORK, HONEY:
An enterprising German company has come with ‘Sound Cover’, a sound alibi generator that creates background noises that can be downloaded to your cellphone to simulate the environment where you are supposed to be. The sound menu includes a traffic jam, road construction, a circus parade, a dentist office, and the ring of another phone so you can get rid of unwanted callers by telling them you’re needed on your land-line. First versions of the product will work on selected Nokia phones.
NET: http://www.simeda.com
– “New Scientist”

PARTNERING POLLS:
• A recent survey asked married people if they had ever cheated on their spouses. Fully 26% said ‘yes’! (The other 74% asked where they could meet the 26%.)
• A new “Esquire” magazine poll asks: If your husband was going to cheat. which woman would you prefer he cheated with? Nicole Kidman pulled 45% of responses, Barbra Walters 27% (ewww!), and Britney Spears 18%.
• The same poll asks women: If you were going to indulge in a threesome, whom would you pick for the other 2 participants? Not surprisingly, Heath Ledger & Orlando Bloom are the top picks with 65% of the vote.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Welsh firm has come up with a way to get men to do the ironing. It’s marketing ironing board covers that feature a picture of buxom British model Jordan in a bikini. The bikini disappears as the cover heats up.
• A German theater company staging a play about a polar explorer who froze to death is really going for realism – holding the production in a large freezer that’s kept at  -11 degrees. Patrons are given thermal sleeping bags to keep them warm through the 1-hour show.
• Russian spacecraft designer Alexander Lavrynov has patented a device for putting ads in space that could be seen from Earth. The satellites would be visible in the night sky by employing sunlight reflectors, with multiple satellites linked together to create a message large enough to be seen.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Donald Trump made $100 million … last year.
– “Parade”
• Starbucks not only has more than 19,000 ways it can serve a cup of coffee, it has 5 kinds of milk to stir into it: whole, non-fat, half-and-half, organic and soy.
– “USA Today”

THE BULL SHEET 03.12.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [58] Liza Minnelli, Hollywood CA, self-possessed singer/stage & movie actress (Oscar-“Cabaret”)/youngest to ever win Tony Award at age 19 (“Flora, the Red Menace”-1965)/Judy Garland’s daughter/estranged Mrs David Gest  FACTOID: Word has leaked she & Gest were negotiating to take their court case onto TV in a series of specials featuring a made-for-TV judge and jury, but the big-money deal fell through.

1948 [56] James Taylor, Boston MA, oldies singer (“Fire & Rain”, “You’ve Got a Friend”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [54] William H Macy, Miami FL, movie actor (the radio voice of horseracing in “Seabiscuit”, “The Cooler”, “Fargo”)

1960 [44] Adam Clayton, Chinnor UK, rock bassist (U2′s “One” and “With Or Without You” are listed on ‘VH1: 100 Best Songs of the Past 25 Years’)

1975 [29] Glenn Lewis (Ricketts), Kitchener ON, R&B singer (“Back For More”, “Don’t You Forget It”)

1976 [28] Danny Masterson, Albertson NY, TV actor (‘Steven Hyde’ on “That ’70s Show” since 1998)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Middle Name Pride Day”, so stand up and be proud … Aloicious.

TODAY is “National Organize Your Home Office Day”. Get people with home offices to call in, then ask “What are you wearing right now?” Studies show an inordinate number of those who work at home inexplicably still dress in office attire every day in order to get into ‘work mode’.

TODAY is the 92st anniversary of the formation of “Girl Guides” (later changed to ‘Girl Scouts’ in the USA). Daisy Gordon of Savannah GA gathered a troop in 1912 and taught them how to milk a cow, how to tie up a burglar and the complicated art of boiling water. The Girl Scout slogan is ‘Do a good turn daily.’ THIS WEEK is “Girl Scout Week”, honoring all Scouts, Brownies, Sprouts and whatever other ranks there are – hats off to our women in uniform! Now through the end of APRIL is when the annual cookie drive is underway in most areas, a good time to hold a competition for the ‘Best Cookie Sales Pitch’. Select the winner and buy 100 boxes from her to hand out free.

TOMORROW is “National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day”, to honor to all fathers who take responsibility for their children. (Monday is “National Men Who are Not Sex-Obsessed Immature Sports Nuts Day”.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1894 [110] Coca-Cola 1st sold in bottles (before that, in paper bags?)

1948 [56] 1st chapter of ‘Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club’ by a breakaway group of the Pissed Off Bastards in San Bernardino CA

1951 [53] 1st “Dennis the Menace” comic strip, as cartoonist Hank Ketchum names him after his son (‘Dennis’ officially turns 6 every March 12th)

1969 [35] 1st ‘bell-bottom jeans’ (Levi Strauss Co)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1993 [11] LPGA golfer Anne Marie Palli is penalized for hitting a flying duck and killing it, causing her ball to fall into water (hey, shouldn’t that be a ‘birdie’?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Good Samaritan Day
[Sat] Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Sat] Genealogy Day
[Sun] Potato Chip Day
[Sun] Save a Spider Day
[Mon] Annual Office Coffee Cup Washing
[Mon] 19th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction (NYC)
[Mon] Ides of March
This Week Is . . . Universal Women’s Week
This Month Is . . . Workplace Eye Health & Safety Month / Youth Art Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TIPS FOR CANADIANS HEADING SOUTH FOR MARCH BREAK:

• Remember, “ya’ll” is singular, “all ya’ll” is plural, and “all ya’ll’s” is plural possessive.
• “Ya’ll oughta not do that!” is the equivalent of saying “No!”
• Get used to hearing “You ain’t from around here, are ya’ll?”
• Don’t be worried about not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.
• Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food in this store.
• Be advised that “He needed killin’!” is a valid defence down there.

BS ‘AM I HOT OR NOT?’
You’re looking for the sexiest voice on the phone. Line up a series of listeners and have a studio panel rate them on a scale from 1-10.

BS PHONE STARTER:
Should movies that feature actors smoking be given adult ratings, as recommended by a new University of California study?

BS ‘IT PAYS TO BE IGERNANT’:
Contestant must answer all 10 rapid-fire questions WRONG to win the prize. It’s a lot tougher than it sounds!
• What is the year 2004 in Roman numerals? (CAN’T say M-M-I-V.)
• What kind of performers win Juno Awards? (CAN’T say musicians.)
• Who’s the Prime Minister of Canada? (CAN’T say Paul Martin.)
• What’s another word for Celsius? (CAN’T say centigrade.)
• Spell Timiskaming.
• What color is a stop sign? (CAN’T say red.)
• What’s Mel Gibson’s controversial movie that’s now playing in theaters? (CAN’T say “The Passion of the Christ”)
• Which are smarter – cats or dogs? (You decide if they’re right or wrong.)
• Who’s the sexiest star on Canadian TV? (You decide if they’re right or wrong.)
• What’s your middle name?

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• It takes 2 things to be a consultant – grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished, and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
• When a guy opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing – either the car is new or the wife.
• It’s a sad fact that half of marriages end in divorce … but hey, the other half end in death.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A poll finds that THIS is the #1 thing a woman can do that really irritates her man.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Talk baby talk.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
You can’t leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt.

 


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