Friday, March 5, 2004        Edition: #2739
Sheet Happens!

TONIGHT the 1st-ever “Awards Awards” will be held in London (no BS!), recognizing excellence in – well, handing out awards (‘Awards Organizer of the Year’, ‘Awards Personality of the Year’, ‘Awards Supplier of the Year’, etc) . . . TOMORROW actor George Clooney will wash cars at his LA mansion as a fund-raiser for his father Nick Clooney’s congressional campaign (but only for invited guests who’ve contributed a minimum of $500) . . . SUNDAY the 5th season of “The Sopranos”  premieres on HBO (the 4th season finalé aired way back in December 2002, 15 long months ago!) . . . Word is Donald Trump has signed on to do at least TWO more editions of “The Apprentice” (because no one has the guts to tell him, “You’re fired!”) . . . Author JK Rowling is hinting that the 7th “Harry Potter” book may NOT be the last as previously thought (what, she needs another billion?) . . . 5-months’ pregnant supermodel Heidi Klum is said to be secretly dating Brit singer Seal (“Kiss From a Rose”) and pals say it is getting serious . . . *NSync’s Lance Bass reportedly ran out of a Vegas tattoo parlor after chickening out at the last minute – he now has a single dot on his arm where the needle touched him (and he screamed like a girl) . . . Superstation TBS will rip off the classic TV sitcom “Gilligan’s Island” for a reality show that strands a real-life skipper, first mate, millionaire & his wife, professor, movie star and farm girl on a remote island . . . Infamous “American Idol” reject William Hung reportedly has a recording deal and $25,000 advance from Fuse music network (MuchMusic USA), which will first shoot a music video of his horrendous version of “She Bangs”.

• Jessica Simpson – Claims she was so convinced she was pregnant after reading tabloid reports, that she ended up going to a doctor and ‘being hooked up to an I-V’ to find out if it was true. It wasn’t.
• Missy Elliott – Casting calls begin SUNDAY in LA for aspiring hip-hop performers to join her on a concert tour that will also become UPN’s latest reality show, so far untitled. The show will follow the performers 24/7 as they go on the road, face weekly tests and try to make the cut.
• Reba McEntire – She’s launching her first tour in 3 years SUNDAY at the “Houston Rodeo”, and will play other rodeos, fairs and festivals.
• Kylie Minogue – Demanded a fan hand over a camera after spotting him shooting up her skirt at a recent concert in London.
• Britney Spears – Says she’s ditched the ‘fake’ ring she’s been wearing on her wedding finger because she thinks the joke has gone too far.
• Trace Adkins – The “Hot Mama” singer has just been hired as the new voice of Kentucky Fried Chicken ads.

• “Starsky & Hutch” (Crime Comedy): Ben Stiller & Owen Wilson co-star in a comedic update of the vintage TV cop show (1975-79). Stiller plays by-the-books officer ‘Dave Starsky’, Wilson laid-back undercover agent ‘Ken Hutchinson’. They cruise the streets in a ’74 Gran Torino dubbed the ‘Striped Tomato’. Vince Vaughn plays a drug lord who’s ratted out by street informant ‘Huggy Bear’ (Snoop Dogg). Stiller & Wilson previously paired up in  “Zoolander”, “The Royal Tenenbaums”, “Meet the Parents”, “Permanent Midnight”, and “The Cable Guy”.
• “Hidalgo” (Action Adventure): In 1890, a Pony Express courier (“Lord of the Rings” star Viggo Mortensen) travels to the Middle East to compete with his horse ‘Hidalgo’ in a competition called the ‘Ocean of Fire’, a 3,000-mile survival race across the Arabian Desert.

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … the average person gains a pound a year between ages 25 and 55. People who tend to be heavy gain even more. A Duke University physiologist says not to get depressed if  you rigorously exercise but don’t lose any weight. Because if you also don’t gain any – that’s real success! (I lost 30 pounds in just half-an-hour! Unfortunately, it was while gambling in a British casino.)
• Scientists say … the strain on family relationships caused by kid’s homework often outweighs any educational benefit. A London University study looked at 75 years of research on homework in the UK, North America and Australia. The bottom line – homework is better done in groups outside the home. (Yeah, we used that old “going over to Becky’s to do homework” excuse too.)
• Scientists say … losing your temper can kill you. At least, if you’re a guy. A 10-year study has found that hot-headed men have a 20% higher risk of developing an irregular heartbeat that can lead to sudden death. For some unknown reason, the risk does not affect women. (However, running afoul of an angry female increases your chances of having your eyes scratched out.)
• Scientists say … cellphones are a hazardous waste. In fact, a new  University of Florida environmental study reveals that many of today’s techno-gizmos release enough lead in lab tests to be classified as hazardous. So the problem becomes – how to dispose of them? (No prob. I found out if you just quit paying your bill, they’ll come and take it away.)

• A 20-year-old bride-to-be in Arbroath, Scotland was 8 months’ pregnant when her 28-year-old fiancé ditched her – 4 days before the wedding. But when an 18-year-old ex-boyfriend heard about it, he stepped forward to ask if she’d marry him instead … and they all lived happily ever after. (And the lucky girl traded up 10 years!)
• Residents of West Danville, Vermont are gearing up for an annual rite of spring – the 17th annual “Joe’s Pond Ice Out”. People enter a pool on when the ice on the local pond will start to melt. Closest guess wins half the money raised. Last year, the ice gave way April 28. (And they say nothing ever happens in Vermont.)
• A 32-year-old Assen, Netherlands man has been convicted of a criminal offence – for carrying 2 pieces of veal to the checkout in his hand. A judge ruled he had technically been ‘trespassing’ since he ignored the store’s compulsory shopping basket policy. Then he fined him $250!
• An Evansville, Indiana father facing drug charges is arguing that police made an unconstitutional search. Seems a trooper changed his infant son’s soiled diaper – and found a bag of crack hidden inside. (Not a good place to stash your sh__.)
• A Brit couple watching a TV documentary were shocked to discover that their house was once the scene of a grisly murder – and some of the body parts were never found! They quickly sold the joint at a big loss, then sued the previous owners for not disclosing the home’s history. Alas, their claim has just been rejected by a UK Court of Appeal. (This whole grisly experience has cost them an arm and a leg.)

LAST YEAR, the market for heartburn medications topped $13 billion.


1952 [52] Alan Clark, Durham UK, classic rock musician (Dire Straits-“Money for Nothing”, “Sultans of Swing”)

1955 [49] Penn Jillette, Greenfield MA, Las Vegas magician (Penn & Teller)

1970 [34] John Frusciante, NYC, rock musician (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Californication”, “Under the Bridge”)

1989 [15] Jake Lloyd, Fort Collins CO, movie actor (‘Anakin Skywalker’ in “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace”)

1923 [81] Ed McMahon, Detroit MI, ex-TV personality (“Tonight Show”, original “Star Search”)

1940 [64] Ken Danby, Sault Ste Marie ON, sports-themed artist (“The Goalie”)

1947 [57] Rob Reiner, Bronx NY, film director (“A Few Good Men”, “When Harry Met Sally”)/movie actor (“Sleepless in Seattle”)/TV actor (‘Meathead’ on “All in the Family” 1971-78)  FACTOID: He’ll produce and co-star opposite Mercedes Ruehl in the new NBC-TV comedy “Everyday Life”, about a family of therapists.

1959 [45] Tom Arnold, Ottumwa IA, TV host (FOX Sports Network’s “The Best Damn Sports Show Period”)/movie actor (“Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star”, “True Lies”)

1972 [32] Shaquille O’Neal, Newark NJ, NBA star with a size 22 shoe (LA Lakers)/sometime movie actor (“Freddy Got Fingered”, “He Got Game”)/occasional rap artist (“Shaq Diesel”)  FACTOID: Shaquille means ‘Little Warrior’ in Arabic.

TODAY is “Mother-in-Law Day”, first celebrated 70 years ago on March 5, 1934. A similar “Mother-in-Law’s Day” is held on the 4th Sunday in October. To stay out of trouble – best to remember both!

TODAY is “Unique Names Day”. Lots of directions to go with this besides unique personal names. For instance, it’s a good day to ask listeners …
• What was your nickname when you where a kid? (Beyoncé has just revealed that hers was ‘Dumbo’.)
• What nickname is your boss known by?
• Where would you find these unusual Canadian placenames?
• Where would you find these unusual US placenames?

TODAY-Sunday the 16th annual “National Fiery Foods & Barbecue Show” will draw thousands of chilli-heads to Albuquerque NM. Growers from around-the-world show off their chillies, and chefs throw down some of the hottest food on Earth.
PHONER: 505-873-8680

TODAY is “Multiple Personalities Day”, saluting the adage ‘We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.’ (Can people with multiple personalities deduct themselves as dependents on their income tax?)

TOMORROW the rigorous 1,049-mile “Iditarod Dog Sled Race” from Anchorage to Nome AK begins mushing. This year, a blind musher will be allowed to compete. 18-year-old Rachael Scdoris of Redmond OR will be guided by another musher who’ll advise her of trail conditions via 2-way radio. (Will she have a team of guide dogs?)
PHONER: 907-376-5155 (Iditarod Trail Committee-Wasilla AK)

TOMORROW is “National Frozen Food Day”, commemorating the first ‘individually packaged frozen foods’, created by Clarence Birdseye in Springfield MA 74 years ago (1930). He got the idea after seeing Canadians thawing and eating naturally frozen fish.

2002 [02] “The Osbournes” debuts on MTV (who woulda thought such an untalented bunch could become so famous?)

1868 [136] 1st ‘stapler’ (next day, the 1st tie is stapled to a report)

1937 [67] ‘SPAM’ is 1st marketed after Hormel Co chefs discover that ham cooked in special spices, then ground up and canned has a 7-year shelf-life (has since become both the butt of jokes and the world’s most popular canned meat)

1972 [32] 1st breeding of a ‘Great Dachshund’, a cross between a Great Dane and a Dachshund (not to put too fine a point on it, but – how dey do dat?)
2000 [04] World’s 1st ‘cloned pigs’, produced by US subsidiary of Scottish company that cloned ‘Dolly the sheep’

1985 [19] 1st NHL player to score 50 goals in 8 consecutive seasons (Mike Bossy-NY Islanders)

1994 [10] World’s largest milkshake contains 1,955 gallons of chocolate (Nelspruit, South Africa)

[Sat] Full Moon known as ‘Seed Moon’, ‘Chaste Moon’, ‘Worm Moon’
[Sat] Jewish holiday of Purim begins at sundown
[Mon] Commonwealth Day
[Mon] Aunts Day
[Mon] International Women’s Day
[Tues] Employee Appreciation Day
[Wed] Mario Day
This Week Is . . . Detect a Leak Week / Wildlife Week
This Month Is . . . Furniture Refinishing Month / Noodle Month


MARCH is “National On-Hold Month”. A couple of related ideas …
• Conduct a search for the worst (or best) on-hold music.
• Put a listener on-hold for your entire show. If they’re singing every time you go to them, they win!

The correct answers are in CAPS.
• What is our favorite canned vegetable?
a. CORN.
b. Potatoes.
c. Spam.
Source: Green Giant

• What did Cleopatra use pomegranate seeds for?
a. Birth Control
b. COSMETICS (Lipstick to be specific.)
c. Ear Plugs
Source: “Land O’ Useless Facts”

• According to Bloomingdale’s bridal registry, the last 2 years have seen a 15% rise in …
a. Carats per engagement ring.
c. Balding losers landing hot chicks.
Source: “Maxim”

Today’s Question: According to “Longevity” magazine, THIS is the #1 thing men would dislike about a woman’s appearance.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Big hips.

Everybody should get at least a high school education … even if they already know everything.


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