Thursday, March 27, 2003        Edition: #2506
Live from the Outskirts of Sanity!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY actor Robert Blake is due back in court accused of murdering wife Bonny Lee Bakley after being released on $1.5 million bail (where’s a has-been like him get that kinda dough anyway?) . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger has just bought himself an army tank, a 6-wheeled Austrian Pinskower that’s modified for legal street use (well, that’s one way to make it through rush hour in LA) . . . The star-studded NYC premiere planned for John Travolta’s new movie “Basic” has been axed ‘due to the war in Iraq’ (this is a recording), but the military-themed film will open FRIDAY as scheduled . . . Lenny Kravitz has teamed up with Iraqi pop star Kadim Al Sahir in Miami to record the anti-war song “We Want Peace” . . . Gossip in Los Angeles has colagen-filled actress Melanie Griffith playing ‘Roxie Hart’ in “Chicago” on Broadway . . . A daily syndicated TV talk show is being developed for “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest (who also hosts the #1 afternoon drive show in LA on STAR 98.7) . . . In an attempt to keep the Dixie Chicks from creating any more controversy, their management company has reportedly offered to pay PETA $10,000 NOT to run an ad featuring the girls in its “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign (PETA has refused, realizing the obvious attraction of naked Chicks).

MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
Ben Affleck will reportedly reprise his “Sum Of All Fears” role as ‘Jack Ryan’ in “Red Rabbit”, a prequel going back to the early days of Ryan’s CIA career . . . Stupor-model Naomi Campbell will make her Hollywood film debut alongside “Sopranos” hot tamale Drea De Matteo, playing a pair of peelers in the comedy “Go-Go Tales”, set in a NYC strip club . . . Pierce Brosnan will take a break from his ‘James Bond’ duties, starring in the upcoming heist thriller “After The Sunset” as a thief who relaxes in an island paradise after his last big score – until an FBI agent shows up.

ALBERTA UNBOUND:
Former Mountie Bruce Hutton is seeking to achieve official status for his fledgling Separation Party of Alberta. As well as seceding from Canada, his party’s ideas include acquiring a couple of nuclear submarines armed with long-range missiles in order to help Alberta gain international clout (presumably to be headquartered at Sylvan Lake). Hutton is predicting his Separation Party will win 11 seats in the next provincial election. (Why don’t all the provinces separate and then form a loose association in which we all cooperate? We could call it – confederation.)

COMFORT FOODS:
During an economic downturn, Americans are more likely to buy beer, pickles, cheese, sauce and butter, according to agricultural economists at the University of Nebraska. We buy less hard liquor, ice cream and ice when the economy sours. Foods that are convenient but pricey,
such as TV dinners, also become less popular.

LUDICROUS LAWSUITS:
• Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania has successfully sued a home insurance company for $500,000 after he was trapped in a garage for 8 days due to a malfunctioning garage door opener. Seems it didn’t matter that the only reason he was there was because – he’s a burglar and had broken into the house!
• A schoolgirl in Huludao, China is suing a classmate for more than $20,000 after he frightened her – with a plastic snake. She has already received $2,800 in payment from the boy and the school after she claimed she suffered ‘psychological damage’. (God forbid she ever gets hit with a spitball.)
• Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas has been awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle when she tripped over a toddler running around in a furniture store. A surprising outcome considering – the toddler was her OWN son.
• Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas has been awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bit on the butt by his neighbor’s beagle. The award was less than sought, perhaps because at the time – Williams was shooting the pooch repeatedly with a pellet gun!
• 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles has won $74,000 and medical expenses because his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. How could that happen? Truman was attempting to steal the hub caps at the time!

GUYS NEED MORE PIG BILE:
According to a new University of British Columbia study, men require about twice as much Botox as women to achieve the same, wrinkle-free effect due to greater muscle tone and the thickness of their skin. Men currently comprise about 15% of all Botox patients. One of them is Hollywood actor Mickey Rourke, whose face is said to now resemble rubber. He recently lost a movie role because the casting director thought his face was so frozen from Botox, it was expressionless. (Kevin Costner achieves the same effect naturally.)

THE POWER OF POO:
Australian homes could soon be powered by – pig poop. The government has awarded a sizable grant to Australian Pork Ltd to find ways of turning pig waste into electricity. The project will examine mixing warm pig manure and water to produce what’s called ‘biogas’. The biogas can then be either burned directly for heat or used to create power. The other advantage of burning the stuff – it will help reduce odors.

PLASTIC PEOPLE:
We know show biz people get obsessed with their appearance (witness what’s left of Michael Jackson). But a recent study published in “Psychology Today” shows that people who suffer from ‘body dysmorphic disorder’, an obsession with imagined or slight imperfections in appearance, suggests they are more likely to have higher education and an occupation in art and design. That means art historians, fashion designers, architects and the like are just as likely to be over-obsessed with their bodies as Hollywood celebs.

OH PLEASE, POKE ME FULL OF HOLES:
It’s estimated more than a million people now suffer from ‘allergic contact dermatitis’ caused by a metal allergy. University of Louisville dermatology prof Dr Joseph Fowler says irritation in ears, lips, nose, tongue, navel, breasts & genitalia are becoming more common due to the popularity of body piercing. Symptoms can include red, swollen skin that becomes leathery and cracked, and blisters that break, leaving crusts and scales (excuse me, where’s the “Fear Factor” bucket?). The symptoms usually show up in those with allergies within 24 hours of contact between skin and metal. The good news is – they eventually go away when metal is removed from the skin. (Remember to mention all this when your teen wants to get a nipple ring.)

NEW GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• There’s a new soap coming out called ‘Shower Shock’ that has caffeine in it. (The difference between it and the coffee here at work is – the soap tastes better.)
• New ‘talking pill bottles’ will soon give you instructions on how to take the medicine. (Pfizer even has a talking bottle for Viagra – it talks dirty to you.)
• A Japanese company has introduced ‘pet ice cream’. The frozen dairy treat from Akagi Nyogyo is yogurt-based to suit the pet pallet. (And you think you have a fat cat now?)
• There’s a new trivia game coming called “Scandal Monger” that’s based on high-profile indiscretions that made the news. (Think of it as “Trivial Pursuit” for ‘Enquiring Minds’.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.27.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [61] Michael York, Fulmer ENG, movie actor (Basil Exposition-“Austin Powers I-III”, “Cabaret”)

1963 [40] Quentin Tarantino, Knoxville TN, film producer/writer/director (“Jackie Brown”, Oscar-“Pulp Fiction”, “Reservoir Dogs”)  NEXT FILM: The crime thriller “Kill Bill”, starring Uma Thurman as a woman shot by her husband (Warren Beatty), opening OCTOBER 10.

1970 [33] Mariah Carey, Huntington NY, pop singer (“Thank God I Found You”, “Heartbreaker”) who’s sold more than 120 million albums & singles and spent more weeks at #1 than any other artist/bad movie actress (“Glitter”)

1995 [08] Taylor Atelian, Santa Barbara CA, TV actress (‘Ruby’ in the Jim Belushi sitcom “According to Jim”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Joe Day”, when people who hate their names are allowed to be called ‘Joe’. What’s the most unusual given name you’ve come across?

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1790 [213] 1st ‘shoelace’ (next day – 1st busted shoelace)

1848 [155] 1st ‘band-aid’ (John Parker Paynard’s ‘medicated adhesive plaster’)

1860 [143] 1st ‘corkscrew’ (ML Byrn’s ‘covered gimlet screw with T handle’)

1917 [86] 1st US team to win hockey’s Stanley Cup (Seattle Metropolitans of Pacific Coast League defeat Montréal Canadiens the season before NHL begins play)

1991 [12] In a demonstration in NYC’s Central Park, a Volkswagon Futura test car equipped
with lasers and ultrasonic sensors parallel-parks itself

1998 [05] Viagra 1st approved for sale by FDA (men begin skipping to work in the morning)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Something On a Stick Day
[Sat] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
[Sun] Take a Walk in the Park Day
[Apr 30] Canadian Income Tax deadline
This Week Is . . . Anonymous Giving Week
This Month Is . . . Humorists Are Artists Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If you do it in a plane you join the ‘Mile High Club’, so if you do it in a helicopter do you join the ‘Rotary Club’?
• What did things taste like before people knew what chicken tasted like?
• How can there be self-help ‘groups’?
• Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
• Ever watched a fishing show for about 15 minutes and then told yourself ‘I need a life’?
• If you’re making ‘cream of chicken soup’ for lunch, do you have to milk a chicken?
• If the cops arrest a mime, does he have the right to be noisy?

BS NUMBER KNOWLEDGE:
Discover your career path through your SIN number! Simply add the digits to get a total, then subtract the smaller digit of the total from the larger to get your aptitude number. For example: Social Insurance Number 640-949-476 totals 49, then 9-4=5. Now check what your aptitude number means –
1. These people are entrepreneurs. Perfect to start their own business – also those most likely to sell their bodies for pleasure.
2. Counselors and teachers. These people are also interested in the travel industry but not in actually traveling – they like to hang around airports and work as ticket agents or be in charge of lost luggage.
3. Show Business – either on the big scale like a movie star, or small scale like a clown who makes balloon animals. You are also good at advising others in show business careers.
4. Accountant, although not necessarily good with your own finances. Side careers include participation in clubs and organizations as the person who guards the door.
5. Traveling salesman at heart. You like to sell to everyone! You would also make a good bouncer at a bar.
6. Anything in the medical field. You are outgoing and may have been a cheerleader in high school – or wanted to be a cheerleader.
7. Private investigator or someone who likes to work with animals.
8. Financial advisor with obsessive-compulsive thoughts about cleanliness. You might even run a cleaning business.
9. Humanitarian – all around good person who volunteers all the time – or a prison guard.

BS INTERVIEWS:
• Jon Kelly of Vancouver BC is a ‘backwards speech analyst’ who claims that reversing speech can reveal the true secret thoughts of a person. For instance, he says that if you reverse George W Bush’s January 2001 inauguration speech, you can clearly hear him saying the phrases ‘get someone’, ‘saw the missile’ and ‘mission of Baghdad’. He’s also reversed a recording of Robert Blake’s wife Bonnie Lee Bakley to find the message ‘I know he’ll murder me!’. (Try playing airchecks of your show backwards. Who knows what you’ll find … if you plant it.)
PHONER: 604-273-7438 (Richmond BC)
NET: http://www.yourinnervoice.com/eventspromo.htm
• If over-zealous American patriotism is beginning to turn your stomach, here’s a switch – over-zealous Canadian patriotism! Deepak Sarkar, an Indian immigrant living in Victoria BC, is so proud to be a Canadian that he’s written the patriotic song “Canada (What A Wonderful, Beautiful Land)”. Although Sarkar likes Americans, he says the war on Iraq has him feeling proud to be a Canadian, a place where ‘the systems value the people’ and ‘most of the roads are toll-free’.
PHONER: 250-389-1090

BS TRUTH OR CRAP?
• Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox. (TRUE)
• The penguins that inhabit the tip of South America are called jackass penguins. (TRUE)
• A game of pool is referred to as a ‘match’. (BS. It’s a ‘frame’.)
• Polar bears camouflage themselves when hunting by covering their black noses with their paws. (TRUE)
• The face of a single penny can hold over 30 drops of water. (TRUE)
• If you hold back a sneeze, your head could implode. (Um, BS.)
• Steak sauce contains both orange peel and raisins. (TRUE)
• Opossums have forked penises. (TRUE, although we haven’t checked.)
• The continent of South America has just 1 time zone. (BS. It has 3.)
• The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head. (TRUE)
• Your nose makes nearly a cup of mucous per day. (Yup, it’s TRUE about the goo!)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You may be unaware of how obnoxious you’re being, but almost half of you are doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Breathing coffee breath on your co-workers.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Mad at your neighbor? Buy his kid a drum!

 


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