Wednesday, March 26, 2003        Edition: #2505
If The Sheet Fits – Buy It!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The first person to call and congratulate Nicole Kidman on her Oscar was ex-husband Tom Cruise, reportedly calling her on her cellphone as soon as she turned it on (he’s on location in New Zealand – imagine THOSE roaming charges!) . . . Ben Affleck has bought a $3.4-million historical mansion in Savannah, Georgia (future home for Mr & Mrs Lopez and all the little Lopezes?) . . . Eminem’s “8 Mile” has grossed $75 million in its 1st week of release on DVD, a new record for an ‘R’-rated movie . . . The Colosseum amphitheater built by Caesar’s Palace expressly for Celine Dion’s new Vegas show is kept extremely humid to protect her voice from drying out, but that’s causing problems – seems it’s SO warm, fans are nodding off, especially after eating a big meal . . . And Toronto native David Furnish presented longtime companion Elton John with a cocker spaniel puppy called ‘Arthur’ for his 56th birthday YESTERDAY – it’s the couple’s 21st dog!

NEW JARGON FOR 2K3:
• ‘Muggle’ – Invented by ‘Harry Potter’ author (and new mom) JK Rowling to mean ‘a person who can’t do magic’, it’s about to be added to the Oxford English Dictionary thanks to its broadened use as a description for anyone who’s accident prone or unable to master a skill. (“Don’t ask Lisa to do that presentation, she’s a real muggle at PowerPoint.”)
• ‘Scripted Shows’ – A term that’s become necessary thanks to the deluge of ‘reality shows’ on TV. A ‘scripted show’ is the opposite – a sitcom, drama, etc. (Which would the news be?)
• ‘PERCs’ (Performance-Enhancing Ration Components) – Energy bars available to US troops in the field. Army personnel get ‘Hoo-Ah’ bars while Marines eat ‘Oo-Rah’ bars. Both include the amount of caffeine found in a cup of coffee. (Let’s get some of them babies into the studio this morning!)
• ‘Born Digital’ – A document that was created on a computer, distributed electronically, and never published on paper. (“There’s no manual for that, it was born digital on CD-ROM.”)

WEIRD SCIENCE:
• An ongoing study at Northwestern University has found a link between chronic back pain and a shrinkage in the ‘thinking part’ of the brain. So far, it’s unclear which comes first. (But we’re predicting [co-host] is going to have a sore back any day now.)
• Psychologists at West Virginia’s Wheeling Jesuit University have found that video games significantly distract players from pain stimulation. The researchers suggest it may be a useful new method of handling pain management for children who are ill. (What if you’re suffering severe carpal tunnel pain from overusing your joystick?)
• Research done in China for the National Cancer Institute finds that men who consume a substantial amount of vegetables containing alum – such as garlic, chives and onions – have a 50% lower risk of developing prostate cancer. (But women won’t come within a hundred yards of you.)

FRONT-END LOADER:
A new ‘Arthritis Bra’ has been developed in Australia for women suffering from decreased mobility due to an arthritic condition. The front-fastening Velcro bra is designed to make life easier for women with limited dexterity. (Not to mention sexually inexperienced men.)

IT’S NEVER NAP TIME TILL THE FAT GERMAN SINGS:
Parents from all over Germany are competing to sing their children to sleep in front of a panel of judges in a national lullaby singing contest. (There’s a radio contest in there somewhere!)

SUPERHERO IN UNIFORM:
A US Army National Guardsman who’s been called up to serve in the Gulf has legally changed his name to ‘Optimus Prime’, the good-guy robot from the ‘80s cartoon series “The  Transformers”. His new name not only appears on his driver’s license, but his military ID and uniform. (He’ll soon report to the 101st Airborne’s Ninja Turtle Division.)

YOU’VE BEEN FOUR-TIMING ME!
A 38-year-old Malmo, Sweden man has been busted for going berserk when he came home from a night on the town to find his 51-year-old girlfriend in bed – with THREE other men. At least one victim was stabbed, but none of the 5 people involved could be interrogated the next day because – all of them were still drunk. (Wait a sec – a 51-year-old girlfriend?)

A PLAY WITH 4,342 ACTS:
In a controversial new play called “Offenses to the Moral” to be staged in Santiago, Chile, an actor and actress will perform every position from the “Kama Sutra” – India’s legendary, 5th-century sex guide. (2 shows a night plus weekend matinees. They got Viagra down there?)

NO MORE 5-FINGER DISCOUNTS:
A furniture & household accessories store owner in Oldenzaal, Germany became so fed up with shoplifting, he put a prison cell in his showroom. It was originally designed as a place to lock up shoplifters until police arrived, but it’s had an even better side effect – it’s proved so intimidating there hasn’t been a single theft since it was installed!

WHAT GOES ‘MEOW, MEOW, POOF!’?:
Experts say a reported UFO sighting in Lardal, Norway was probably just – an electrocuted cat. Huh? Yep, seems the fireball that quote – ‘exploded in the night sky and fell slowly to Earth’ – was an unfortunate puss that touched a live wire while climbing an electrical tower.

NO MORE NOOSE:
32-year-old Manchester UK civil servant Matthew Thompson has won a claim of discrimination – for being forced to wear a tie at his government office. After arguing that neckties discriminate against men because they’re not allowed to wear T-shirts while female employees are, the court agreed!

THE BULL SHEET 03.26.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [63] James Caan, Bronx NY, movie actor (“Misery”, “The Godfather”)/father of actor Scott Caan

1944 [59] Diana Ross, Detroit MI, egocentric former Motown singer (Supremes-“Where Did Our Love Go”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 1988/arrested December 30, 2002 for DUI

1948 [55] Steve Tyler (Tallarico), Boston MA, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame rock singer (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”)/Liv Tyler’s pop

1950 [53] Martin Short, Hamilton ON, film actor (“Father Of The Bride I & II”)/TV comedian (Ed Grimley-“SCTV, “SNL”)

1957 [46] Leeza Gibbons, Hartsville SC, internationally syndicated radio host (“Hollywood Confidential”)/TV entertainment anchor (“Extra!” 2000-02, “Entertainment Tonight” 1984-95)

1968 [35] Kenny Chesney, Luttrell TN, country singer (“A Lot of Things Different”, “Young”, “The Good Stuff”)

1982 [21] Greg & Collin Rankin, Oakville ON, 1st-ever ‘test-tube twins’ born to Catherine & Ian Rankin of Oakville (2 eggs were removed, fertilized, and then implanted in the womb)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Make Up Your Own Holiday Day”. So what’s your excuse for a day off? (How about “Atheists’ Day” – they don’t get holidays like religious folks!)

TODAY is “Legal Assistants’ Day”, honoring all those who do the dirty work for lawyers.

50 YEARS AGO . . .
1953 Dr Jonas Salk announces a new vaccine to prevent polio

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1872 [131] 1st ‘fire extinguisher’

1956 [47] 1st ‘Medic Alert’ bracelet

1973 [30] 1st episode of daytime TV drama “The Young & the Restless”

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [07] Orlando Magic’s NBA-record 40-game ‘home win streak’ finally ends vs LA Lakers

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Joe Day
[Thurs] American Diabetes Alert
[Fri] No Homework Day
[Sun] Doctor’s Day
[Apr 4-8] NCAA Final Four Tournament (New Orleans)
[Apr 6] 2003 Juno Awards (Ottawa)
[Apr 20] Easter
This Week Is . . . Sleep Awareness Week (on this show, it’s ‘Lack of Sleep Awareness Week’)
This Month Is . . . Poison Prevention Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT’S A BIT?
A bit is a contrived talk piece in which an on-air personality attempts to convey information, entertainment, and/or humor. The worst outcome for a bit is when YOU think it’s working but your audience thinks it sucks – leaving you laughing at how clever you are while your listeners have already tuned to another station.
WHEN BITS GO BAD:
• Structure – A bit needs a beginning (a way in, often a segue), a middle (the main content), and a finish (a way out, sometimes a punch line). If you, your crew or your audience becomes confused about where you are in this process, your bit is dead.
• Verbosity – Some on-air people are so in love with their own voices, they develop the misconception that everyone listening must be, too. Wrong! You need to convey your ideas cleanly and crisply. If you become redundant or sidetracked from the main theme – your bit is dead.
• Unpredictable Outcomes – Take a simple idea, add in one or more members of a morning crew, a studio guest or a phone caller and you’ve got the makings of mayhem. It should be made clear who’s in charge of the bit, where it’s going and what contributions (if any) you want from others. Otherwise, you’ve lost control of the rudder.
• Forced Humor – Something (or someone) is either funny or not. Overworking an idea in an attempt to make it comical by adding dumb puns and lame, lewd or rude comments only drags out the inevitable – your bit is dead.

ODD PLACES IN AMERICA:
You give out the oddly-named place and ask your phone contestant to guess which state it’s in –
• Stinking Point (Virginia)
• Panic (Pennsylvania)
• Dull (Ohio)
• Tightwad (Missouri)
• Looneyville (West Virginia)
• Boring (Oregon)
• Toadsuck (Arkansas)
• Embarrass (Illinois)
• Sweetlips (Tennessee)
• Hell (Michigan)
• Gas (Kansas)
Source: “Passing Gas” by Gary Gladstone

MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMMUTING:
• There will always room to merge behind a smoke-belching diesel bus.
• Your car horn will only get stuck when you drive behind a gang of Hell’s Angels.
• If you try to change lanes to get to the off-ramp, the car in the lane to your right will always speed up.
• Trucks that overturn on the freeway are always filled with something sticky.
• When you move to the next lane because it’s moving faster, it will immediately become the slowest lane.
• The guy with a bumper sticker that says “If you can read this, you’re too close” always tailgates.
• When you leave the proper distance between you and the car ahead, someone will try to squeeze into it.
• Your car will never malfunction in the presence of a mechanic.

BS ‘WORD OF THE DAY’:
Pick an obscure word like ‘loquacious’ as the “Word of the Day” and use it throughout your show in as many odd ways as possible (weather, sports, etc), always following it with brief SFX. Listeners who include the word when calling in win bonus prizes. The more out of context it’s used, the better!

BS ‘HIT OR SPLIT’?
You read off the celebrity couples rapid-fire, your contestant must decide if they’re STILL a couple or if their relationship has gone down the old porcelain receptacle.
• Former Cars singer Ric Ocasek & model Paulina Porizkova. [HIT, married since 1989.]
• Actor Jack Nicolson & actress Lara Flynn Boyle. [SPLIT, at least for now.]
• Former Beatle Ringo Starr & former actress Barbara Bach. [HIT. Married 23 years.]
• Country stars Faith Hill & Tim McGraw. [HIT. Wed in 1996.]
• Rolling Stone Keith Richards & former model/actress Patti Hansen. [HIT. Married since 1983.]
• Comedian/actress Whoopi Goldberg & actor Frank Langella. [SPLIT after 4.5 years.]
• Actor Macaulay Culkin & Broadway actress Rachel Miner. [SPLIT. Married young and lasted just 2 years.]
• Singer David Bowie & model Iman. [HIT. Married 11 years.]
• Hollywood star Mel Gibson & actress Robyn Moore. [HIT. Married in 1980. 7 children since!]
• Rocker Melissa Etheridge & filmmaker Julie Cypher. [SPLIT after 10 years.].

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Guests on today’s program will receive a new identity and a job in another province.
• [After Up Music] “I want that song played at my funeral – it might get me going again.”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 25% of us have done THIS on company time.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Searched for our own name on the Web.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Half the people you know are below average.

 


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