Friday, March 21, 2003        Edition: #2502
“Survivor: Baghdad”

TOMORROW the Golden Raspberry Foundation dishonors Hollywood’s worst movies of the past year with the announcement of the 23rd annual “Razzies” (Britney Spears’ “Crossroads” leads nominations with 8, followed by Madonna’s “Swept Away” with 7) . . . Meantime, word has it that Britney & MTV host Mike Kasem (son of 70-year-old DJ legend Casey Kasem) are an item and he’s managed to calm her down and steer her away from all-night partying . . . Shakira tells Swiss paper “Blick” that she didn’t make it into her school choir because she was told she sounded – like a bleating goat (ah, that’s the simile we’ve been looking for!) . . . Jennifer Lopez reportedly went berserk when she lost her $1.5-million engagement ring down the sink drain at an LA restaurant, but when workers quickly popped open the pipes and found it she tipped a respectable $750 . . . Monica Lewinsky will host the new FOX-TV dating show “Mr Personality” that debuts APRIL 21st in which a female contestant is courted by men whose looks are kept hidden . . . Despite rumors of a bad back, Tobey Maguire assures us he’ll DEFINITELY be back to reprise his role as “Spider-Man” in the soon-to-shoot sequel (he know where da bread be buttered) . . . And flaky actor Billy Bob Thornton is planning to get married yet again – wife #6 will be model Danielle Dotzenrod, his girlfriend of 6 months (even though his divorce from Angelina Jolie isn’t finalized, he’s already bought a 3-carat blue diamond ring!).

SUNDAY on CTV/ABC-TV from Hollywood’s Kodak Theater, hosted by Steve Martin for the 2nd time. The show is being scaled back – the red carpet’s there, but no one will be shown walking it. Some high-profile types have asked to enter through a back door. Stars have been encouraged to scale back their normally flamboyant fashions – expect a lot of black. Other notes –
• 3 Oscar ceremonies have been delayed – 1938 (floods), 1968 (assassination of Martin Luther King Jr), and 1981 (attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan) – but the show has never been canceled.
• The musical “Chicago” leads nominations with 13, followed by “Gangs of New York” with 10 and “The Hours” at 9. “Chicago” could become the first musical to win the ‘Best Picture’ Oscar since 1968’s “Oliver!”. Other ‘Best Picture’ nominees – “Gangs of New York”, “The Hours”, “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” and “The Pianist”.
• Charlie Kaufman is nominated for ‘Adapted Screenplay’ for “Adaptation” along with twin brother Donald who shares the writing credit on the film. What makes that notable is – ‘David’ doesn’t exist, Kaufman made him up! So it’s the 1st-ever nomination for a fictional entity.
• Julianne Moore has TWO acting nominations – ‘Best Actress’ for “Far From Heaven” and ‘Supporting Actress’ in “The Hours”.
• 3-time Oscar winner Jack Nicholson has a record 12th acting nomination, for ‘Lead Actor’ in “About Schmidt”. A 4th win would tie Katharine Hepburn’s record of 4 acting Oscars.
• U2 will perform for the 1st time on the Oscars.
• 7-time ‘Best Actor’ nominee Peter O’Toole will likely show up for his honorary ‘Career Achievement’ Oscar now that he’s been reassured he could still win the real deal some day.

The bigscreen version of Stephen King’s thriller “Dreamcatcher” follows 4 childhood pals (including Jason Lee and Donnie Wahlberg) who gain telepathic powers during their youth and later reunite at a cabin where a weekend of male bonding turns bizarre . . . In the mile-high comedy “View From the Top”, Gwyneth Paltrow lands a job as a flight attendant as a way to see the world, while Christina Applegate, Kelly Preston & Candice Bergen play current or former flight attendants, and Mike Myers has a cameo as a flight-school instructor . . . Cuba Gooding Jr stars in the comedy “Boat Trip” as a straight guy who accidentally boards a gay cruise ship (gay rights campaigners are organizing a boycott due to what they consider homosexual stereotyping) . . . And finally ‘Piglet’ gets out from behind ‘Pooh’s’ screen-hogging shadow in Disney’s animated family flick, “Piglet’s Big Movie”.

Now there’s something else to worry about – barbecue! According to a new study from Houston’s Rice University, microscopic bits of polyunsaturated fats are released into the air while meat is barbecuing. These airborne fats can then penetrate the lungs and lead to respiratory and/or heart problems. (Yeah? Well how about inhaling that 10-lb slab of fat back ribs – is that good for ya?)

A new study by Britain’s Social Issues Research Center finds that two-thirds of flirtatious encounters are initiated by women and the courting rituals normally follow a pattern. It begins with the ‘copulatory gaze’, intense eye contact broken momentarily with occasional lifting or lowering of the eyes, followed by smiles, synchronization of body movements, coy looks and head-tossing. More than 30% of women polled say they have initiated dates and only 1% report being turned down. Of dates initiated by women, 51% lead to relationships lasting more than 6 months, a far better success rate than those initiated by men. And here’s another interesting discovery: women also indulge in what’s called ‘courtesy flirting’ – flirting for the sake of politeness, where the aim is just to flatter rather than find a mate. This often leads to men getting the wrong impression. (There you go – women explained.)

Italians will soon be able to play at being prostitutes in a “Monopoly”-style board game in which players must dodge police raids, turf wars and serial killers to make a living. In ‘Puttanopoly’ (which roughly translates to ‘Whoresville’), 8 players become immigrant prostitutes enslaved by the mafia. Each ‘hooker’ starts the game penniless with a ‘slavery contract’ forcing them to pay up to 90% of their earnings to their pimps. Rather than buy property on Boardwalk, the women jump from Albanian pimps and police stations and hospitals while trying not to get killed. If the dice roll their way, working girls can win a week’s earnings, a trip to work in Amsterdam, or be rescued by an enamored client. Inventor Daniela Mannu says everything in the game is true to real life and it’s intended to give people an idea of what prostitutes are up against.

According to a new study at Stanford University, people who use complicated language when simple language would work just as well are seen as being LESS intelligent than people who use more basic words. Study author Daniel Oppenheimer says there’s no problem with using long words – it’s using long words needlessly that irks people. (We agree unequivocally.)

• THIS WEEK an Argentinian schoolboy pretended he had been kidnapped – because he didn’t want his dad to know he had failed his exams.
• An Australian man has been refused a passport after legally changing his name to ‘Prime Minister John Piss’.
• The town council of Sund, Norway has banned – bad moods. The resolution requires all residents to be happy, think positive and refrain from whining. Exemptions include the broken-hearted and people having car trouble.

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with ‘orange’, ‘purple’, or ‘month’. (Good luck trying – door hinge, hurtle, and hunch?)


1950 [53] Roger Hodgson, Portsmouth ENG, classic rock musician (Supertramp-“Give a Little Bit”)

1958 [45] Gary Oldman, London ENG, movie bad guy (“Hannibal”, “Air Force One”)  COMING UP: Plays ‘Sirius Black’ in “Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban”, coming in 2004.

1962 [41] Matthew Broderick, NYC, Broadway actor (“The Producers”, “How to Succeed at Business Without Really Trying”)/movie actor (“Inspector Gadget”, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”)/Mr Sarah Jessica Parker since 1997

1962 [41] Rosie O’Donnell, Commack NY, retired TV talk show host (“The Rosie O’Donnell Show” 1996-2002)/movie actress (“A League of Their Own”, “The Flintstones”)

1931 [72] William Shatner, Montréal QC, former TV actor (Capt Kirk-“Star Trek” 1966-69)/movie actor (“Miss Congeniality”)

1948 [55] Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, London ENG, musical composer (Tony Awards for “Phantom of the Opera”, “Cats”, “Evita”)

1948 [55] Wolf Blitzer, Buffalo NY, CNN news anchor (“Wolf Blitzer Reports”)

1952 [51] Bob Costas, Queens NY, NBC-TV sportscaster/Olympics host (5-time Emmy winner/5-time Sportscaster of the Year)

1972 [31] Elvis Stojko, Richmond Hill ON, Canadian men’s figure skater (4 world titles, 2 Olympic silvers) now touring with ‘Champions on Ice’

1976 [27] Reese Witherspoon, Baton Rouge LA, movie actress (“Sweet Home Alabama”, “Legally Blonde”)/Mrs Ryan Phillippe  NEXT MOVIE: The sequel “Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde”, opening JULY 2nd.

Boing! Spring Has Sprung! It officially arrived LAST NIGHT at 8 pm EST with the ‘vernal equinox’ – when day and night were equal in length around-the-world, about 12 hours. That makes TODAY the 1st full day of Spring.

TODAY is also –
• “UN International Day for Elimination of Discrimination”
• “International Astrology Day”, just as the Aries zodiac sign begins.
• “World Poetry Day” (go to and read some pop or rap lyrics with lush music in the background)
• “Single Parents Day” (toughest day of the year to find a babysitter!)
• “Fragrance Day” (either has to do with perfume or [co-host] after a workout)
• “National Teenagers Day” (tell them how special they are and they’ll say ‘yeah, whatever’)
• “Memory Day” (can’t remember why)

SUNDAY “Skatebot Races: The Oval Finale” zoom down a 14-metre stretch of Calgary’s Olympic Oval, as 600 University of Calgary engineering students compete with their robotic speed-skating devices. The rules are simple – using a Lego Mindstorm kit complete with motors and some aluminum for skate blades, they were asked to construct a skatebot that functions on its own. (Odds are none of them will be as reliable as Catriona LeMay Doan was.)

1961 [42] The Beatles’ 1st appearance at Liverpool’s Cavern Club (Pete Best on drums)

1977 [26] Mrs James Duck of Memphis TN becomes world’s ‘fastest mother’, with her triplets  born naturally – in under 2 minutes

2000 [03] ‘N Sync releases “No Strings Attached” which sets all-time record for ‘single-day album sales’ – 1.1 million units

[Sat] International Goof Off Day
[Sat] National Sing Out Day
[Sat] As Young As You Feel Day
[Sun] World Meteorological Day
This Week Is . . . Anonymous Giving Week / Poison Prevention Week
This Month Is . . . National Peanut Month / Professional Social Work Month


At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Q: What is the human body’s largest organ by weight?
A: The lungs. Together they weigh about 42 ounces. The right lung is 2 ounces heavier than the left, and the male’s lungs are heavier than the female’s.

Q: Which is the southernmost state capital in the USA?
A: Austin TX, which is about 11 miles further south than Tallahassee FL.

Two of the following are true, the other one is total crap. But which one?
1. The letter ‘U’ started out as a Viking drawing of a smile. (BS)
2. The letter ‘H’ started out as a Phoenician drawing of a fence.
3. ‘O’ is the oldest letter in any known alphabet.

Today’s Question: In the 1800’s, believe it or not, these were made out of ivory.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Breast implants.

Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.

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