Friday, March 14, 2003        Edition: #2497
You & Da Bull Got Our Sheet Together!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SUNDAY the Broadway show “Les Misérables” is scheduled to close after 16 years, 6612 performances, and a gross take of $390 million (the producers aren’t misérable anymore) . . . SUNDAY is Liza Minnelli & David Gest’s 1st wedding anniversary but they’re postponing the party until APRIL 15 when their 1,200 closest friends are invited over to enjoy performances by 80 acts, including a 68-piece orchestra & chorus (we kiddith not) . . . “Cold Mountain” director Anthony Minghella says the ‘poisonous’ rumors about co-stars Nicole Kidman & Jude Law having a relationship could unfairly end up costing her an Academy Award for ”The Hours” . . . 38-year-old rocker Lenny Kravitz is getting ready to ”Meet the Parents” – he and his 18-years-younger Victoria’s Secret model fiancée Adriana Lima are organizing a big get-together between his family and hers in her native Brazil . . . Speaking of cradle robbing – 62-year-old billionaire Ted Forstmann used to date 37-year-old actress Liz Hurley, but now he’s reportedly a frequent visitor at 33-year-old actress Minnie Driver’s trailer-home on Malibu Beach (who woulda thought she was trailer trash?) . . . According to “Rolling Stone” magazine’s new list, Paul McCartney was the best-paid musician LAST YEAR raking in $72
million, followed by the Rolling Stones, Dave Matthews Band, U2, and Eminem . . . And a German mother was stunned when she took her daughter who’d been in a coma for 7 years to a Bryan Adams concert in a wheelchair – and the girl snapped out of it when he sang “Everything I Do” (it’s unconfirmed that her first words were, “Is he still selling out singing that sappy piece of crap?”).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Oscar winner Benicio Del Toro (“Traffic”) stars in the thriller “The Hunted” as a military assassin & skilled survivalist who goes criminally psycho, so his original trainer (Tommy Lee Jones) is brought out of retirement to track him down in the wilds of Oregon (does this not sound like “Rambo”?) . . . “Malcolm in the Middle” star Frankie Muniz plays a teenager who’s drafted by the government for covert missions requiring a kid-sized undercover spy in the action comedy “Agent Cody Banks” (does this not sound like “Spy Kids”?). . . A remake of the 1971 horror film “Willard” features Crispin Glover as an outcast whose only friends are pet rats, which he uses to get revenge on anyone who’s ever done him wrong . . . In limited release – Christina Ricci plays a 1st-year Harvard student battling chronic depression in the drama “Prozac Nation” (delayed almost 2 years after premiering at the “Toronto Film Festival” – in 2001!) . . . “Bend It Like Beckham” became a huge hit when it opened in Britain LAST YEAR, a comedy about the daughter of orthodox Sikhs who rebels against her parents’ conservatism by running off to Germany with a soccer team.

NO GREEN IN MOTOWN:
It may be St Patrick’s Day weekend but roundball fans in Detroit are being asked NOT to wear green. Howz come? TOMORROW night the NBA’s Detroit Pistons are hosting the emerald-clad Boston Celtics. Fans will be asked to turn in any green clothing at the door!

ME, CLUMSY?
How do you know if you’re accident-prone? Dr Frederick Rivara of Harborview Medical Center in Seattle says research shows that the average person might be expected to seek medical attention for an injury about once every 10 years. (More than that and you’re officially a klutz!)

DEVOTION TO PLASTIC:
The Lutheran Church in the village of Norrfjaerden, Sweden is now taking credit cards. As an alternative to the collection plate, pastor Karin Sandlund has installed a swipe machine for people who don’t carry cash. (But bring your VISA because in heaven, they don’t take MasterCard.)

SOMETHING FISHY HERE:
Researchers in Spain have uncovered a case of an extremely rare disease that makes people smell – like fish. The genetically inherited illness trimethylaminuria is also known as ‘fish odor syndrome’ (because no one can say trimethylaminuria). It occurs when the liver can’t metabolise a chemical produced by intestinal bacteria. The substance is then expelled in urine, perspiration and other bodily secretions, causing a pungent ‘fishy’ smell. (I think I used to sit behind this kid at school.)

THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO BALLS:
A restaurant in West Hartford, Connecticut has caved in to pressure to have its name changed. It will now be called simply ‘Mexican Restaurant’. It was previously known as ‘C.O. Jones’ – which could be read as ‘cojones’ [co-HO-nays], Spanish slang for testicles.

THE GENTLE DENTIST:
Why do Brits have notoriously bad teeth? A new poll shows that upwards of 60% of them are scared to death of checkups and would rather endure pain than go to a dentist. Fortunately, a dentist who is also a psychologist at Holland’s University of Amsterdam has started an innovative new course that teaches would-be dentists how to deal with terrified patients. (Hey if you’re in Amsterdam, just send your patient to a cafe first. Nothing like going to the dentist with a bucket bong!)

WHICH ONE’S THE DUMMY?
There’s a problem in suburban Vancouver with commuters illegally driving in car pool lanes by creating the illusion of having a passenger. Police say drivers are using inflatable sex dolls, CPR dummies, dogs in hats, even a Cabbage Patch Kid in a baby seat. Paul Armstrong was recently arrested on the Trans-Canada Highway with a department-store dummy he named ‘Manny’ riding shotgun. THIS WEEK he was sentenced to a $98 fine and 2 driver’s licence demerits. The judge was apparently not amused when only ‘Manny’ showed up in Port Coquitlam court.

ROBO-COMPANION:
Honda claims it has created the world’s most advanced humanoid robot. Named ‘ASIMO’, for ‘Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility’, the 4-ft-tall robot is designed to provide aid for seniors and the disabled by opening and closing doors, turning lights on and off, and fetching things. What may make the little guy really useful to seniors – it can even climb stairs. (And answers questions by shouting into your good ear.)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad.
• More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.
• Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Source: “Strange But True”

THE BULL SHEET 03.14.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [70] Quincy Jones, Chicago IL, pop/jazz artist/producer/composer with 26 Grammy Awards, more than any living recording artist

1933 [70] Sir Michael Caine (Maurice Micklewhite), London ENG, movie actor with 2 Oscars (“The Cider House Rules”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”) who also has a 2003 ‘Best Actor’ nomination for “The Quiet American”

1947 [56] Billy Crystal, Long Beach NY, movie actor (“Monsters Inc”, “Analyze This”)/frequent Oscar host, but not this year/sports mogul (part-owner of MLB’s Arizona Diamondbacks)

1958 [45] Prince Albert of Monaco (Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre de Matignon-Grimaldi), Monte Carlo MON, rich guy/son of Prince Rainier III/heir to the throne of Monaco/Olympic bobsledder who participated to 5 Winter Games from 1988 to 2002  NOTE: His roving hands have earned him the nickname ‘The Octopus’.

1961 [42] Penny Johnson Jerald, Baltimore MD, TV actress (Sherry Palmer, ex-wife of Senator/President David Palmer-”24″)

1968 [35] Megan Follows, Uxbridge ON, TV actress (2 Gemini Awards-“Anne of Green Gables”, “Anne Of Avonlea”)

1979 [24] Chris Klein, Hinsdale IL, movie actor (“We Were Soldiers”, “American Pie I & II”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [60] David Cronenberg, Toronto ON, weird filmmaker (2003 Genie Award-“Spider”, “eXistenZ”, “Crash”)

1968 [35] Mark McGrath, Hartford CT, pop singer with at least 13 tattoos (Sugar Ray-“Every Morning”, “Fly”)/sometime actor (“Scooby-Doo”, “Father’s Day”)

1972 [31] Mark Hoppus, Ridgecrest CA, rock musician (Blink 182-“First Date”, “Josie”)

1975 [28] Darcy Tucker, Castor AB, NHL forward (Toronto Maple Leafs)

1977 [26] DJ Joseph Hahn, Glendale CA, rock musician (Linkin Park-“In the End”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Pi Day” (as in 3.14 – get it?)

TODAY is “Save a Spider Day”, a day to appreciate arachnids and the webs they weave.

TODAY is “National Potato Chip Day”, honoring North America’s favorite snack food ($6 billion-plus per year) which is turning 150 THIS YEAR. It was invented by chef George Crum in 1853 at Moon’s Lake House resort in Saratoga Springs NY after an uppity diner complained that the potatoes were too thick and sent them back to the kitchen. As a joke, Crum sliced a new batch of spuds paper-thin, fried them in boiling oil and salted them. The fussy patron and his friends loved the ‘crunchy potato slices’ which soon became known as ‘Saratoga chips’. Before long, grocery stores were selling them in bulk from large barrels. (What’s the best flavored chip – jalapeno, sea salt & malt vinegar, steak & onion, dill pickle, all dressed?)

TODAY is “National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day”, to honor all fathers who take responsibility for their children, an effort to reverse the typecasting of divorced fathers as ‘deadbeats’.

TOMORROW is the beginning of “UFO Season”, according to New Hampshire researcher Donald Johnson who’s studied UFOs for 47 years. He says sightings occur in a 42-day cycle every 61 months. That means a spat of sightings should begin SATURDAY, peak around MARCH 25 and continue until late APRIL. Denmark, Japan and Australia report the most sightings.

TOMORROW is the “Ides of March”, when Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC. It’s also the tongue-in-cheek observance “National Brutus Day”, recognizing the fact that no matter where you work, there’s as much backstabbing, plotting and intrigue as there was back in ancient Rome. The word ‘ides’ simply means ‘middle’, so we can have the Ides of May, the Ides of July, or even the Ides of a Mars bar. There’s nothing unlucky about it – unless you’re name happens to be Caesar.

TOMORROW is “Absolutely Incredible Kid Day”, when we’re encouraged to tell our kids how great they are. Sounds corny, but do it! It’s a helluva investment in the future.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1860 [143] 1st ‘baseball cap’ designed (the next day, some idiot puts the 1st baseball cap on  backwards)

1923 [80] 1st hockey ‘play-by-play’ broadcast (Peter Parker-Edmonton vs Regina)

1992 [11] Researchers 1st announce that broccoli fights cancer (kids everywhere moan)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1998 [05] “Nokia Presents The George Strait Chevy Truck Country Music Festival Brought To You By Wrangler” opens (likely setting some kind of record for sponsorship deals in an event name)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Buzzard’s Day
[Sun] Freedom of Information Day
[Mon] St Patrick’s Day
[Mon] Annual Office Coffee Cup Washing
This Week Is . . . Education Advocacy Week / Agriculture Week
This Month Is . . . Youth Art Month (look for an exhibition on a fridge near you!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WAYS A WOMAN CAN END A BAD DATE IMMEDIATELY:
• “I’m gonna be honest right up front – I have an uncontrolable problem with breaking wind.”
• “When you get down to it, cats are actually more intelligent than men.”
• “I really understand what you’re talking about – I used to be a guy.”
• “Yuck, just the thought of oral sex turns my stomach.”
• “I must’ve slept with over 400 men.”
• “I just hate my hairy butt. It’s so unwomanly.”
• “Shall we get the money out of the way now?
• “Will you marry me?”

BS Q & A:
Q: What common foods received an English-language name change during World War I?
A: Sauerkraut for a time was referred to as ‘liberty cabbage’ (and the enemy Germans as ‘krauts’), and frankfurters (named for the German city of Frankfurt) became known as ‘hot dogs’, a name that obviously caught on.

WEB GOODIES:
• The Website dotFM registers domain names that end in .fm or .am. They work just like .com but give you the distinctive address www.[YourStation].fm
NET: http://www.dot.fm/
• Here’s a nifty link to toss up on your station Website. It connects to a page that says – “Attention: You have reached the very last page of the Internet. We hope you have enjoyed your browsing. Now turn off your computer and go outside and play.”
NET: http://www.1112.net/lastpage.html

BS BLATANT JOKE:
He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In a survey of 800 women, 63% say “it depends”, 18% say “yes” and 10% say “no way” to this question.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Do you kiss on the first date?

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on vacation.

 


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