Thursday, March 13, 2003        Edition: #2496
Sheet For Brains!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Russell Crowe’s wedding plans now include building a $500,000 chapel Down Under to house THIS SUMMER’s sunset ceremony (bemused locals are calling it ‘St Russell’s Basilica’) . . . Archie Comics has launched a search for young musicians to become a real-life incarnation of the comic book band “The Archies” (a 1969 version scored the year’s biggest hit – “Sugar Sugar”) . . . Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs has plans to create yet another revenue stream – ‘Diddy Drinks’ (after one or two, you have to go diddy) . . . “Mad About You” alumnus Paul Reiser will star in Woody Allen’s stage directing debut, an off-Broadway play called “Writer’s Block” . . . Stephen Sondheim, considered Broadway’s greatest living composer, will reportedly break a long drought of inactivity with a musical version of the Bill Murray movie comedy “Groundhog Day” (can’t wait to hear the show-stopping tune from this one – “He emerged from his hole …”)  . . . The Adam & Eve sex toy company is offer modeling contracts to female winners on the reality show “Are You Hot?” (and for the guys – nada) . . . 53-year-old former “Nash Bridges” and “Miami Vice” star Don Johnson is caught up in a money-laundering investigation by German customs officials who discovered almost $5 BILLION of negotiable documents in his  possession when he traveled from Switzerland to Germany in NOVEMBER (Johnson claims he needed them for a business deal – a $5-billion business deal?) . . . Kelly Osbourne is said to be on the verge of moving out of the Osbourne’s Beverly Hills home – but only about 5 blocks down the road . . . Beyoncé Knowles & Toby Keith will perform at a concert celebrating Ford Motor Company’s 100th birthday this JUNE in Detroit . . . The Chinese government has warned the Rolling Stones NOT to play songs that contain sexual references when they perform in Shanghai and Beijing NEXT MONTH (the performances will now entail 2 hours of complete silence) . . . Is Celine Dion the new Michael Jackson? Check a series of her videos in chronological order and you’ll watch the evolution of a nose!

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Current box office champ Steve Martin (“Bringing Down the House”) has more comedies in the works, next co-starring with Bonnie Hunt as parents of a large family in “Cheaper by the Dozen”, then reprising Cary Grant’s role as a man haunted by a dead but wacky couple in a remake of “Topper” . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals that his cyborg ‘T-800′ character debuts in “T3: Rise of the Machines” NAKED, and walks through a male strip club to the delight of female patrons (the “Terminator” sequel opens JULY 3rd) . . . Liv Tyler will play 1950s pin-up legend Bettie Page in a new biofilm about the centerfold cult legend’s life . . . An upcoming biopic called “Walk the Line” focusing on Johnny Cash’s younger years will feature Joaquin Phoenix as ‘the man in black’ & Reese Witherspoon as his wife June Carter . . . Billy Bob Thornton is set to bring Ernest Hemingway’s novel about 1920s expatriates in Paris, “A Moveable Feast”, to the bigscreen with the help of Papa Hemingway’s actress granddaughter, Mariel Hemingway, who’ll make it her directorial debut . . . And a movie based on the hit Broadway musical “Urinetown” is in the works, set in a post-apocalyptic world where people must pay to pee.

LESS IS BAD FOR YOU:
University of Zurich research suggests that the occasional cup of coffee is worse for the heart than drinking it every day. The findings show that non-coffee-drinkers experience a surge in blood pressure that’s worse than the potential long-term effects on a coffee addict. Caffeine is not the culprit, but a range of other ingredients in coffee that cause blood vessels to contract. Frequent drinkers are used to these effects, but in non-coffee-drinkers the sudden strain on the heart can increase the risk of heart attack. Heart specialist Roberto Corti claims that unless people drink coffee every day, the healthiest option is to never drink any, not even decaffeinated. (So, one question – how do you ever get started?)

AND TV’S STILL BAD FOR YOU:
According to a new study in the MARCH issue of “Developmental Psychology”, children who watch violence on TV are more likely to commit violent acts later in life. In related news, a British psychologist says the kid’s TV show “Thomas the Tank Engine” shows far too many crashes and may make children frightened of going on trains. (And an unconfirmed study shows parents who rely on all these psychological studies to know what to do end up as nerve-wracked ditherers totally useless to their kids.)

A COLD FRONT KILLED THE RAPTORS?
Scientists at Alberta’s Royal Tyrrell Museum of Paleontology say dinosaurs were in decline due to a radical change in climate long before an asteroid wiped out their population. Geologist Dave Eberth speculates that dinosaurs couldn’t adjust to the dramatic shifts in climate and the asteroid impact was just the straw that broke the dino’s back. (So don’t worry about humanity being wiped out by something from outer space – we’re all gonna die from global warming.)

THEY’RE ALL FOR IT IN ROSWELL:
A Republican state legislator says New Mexico should have an annual holiday to – quote – “Celebrate and honor all past, present and future extraterrestrial visitors.” He’s proposing that “ET Culture Day” be observed the 2nd Thursday of February. (Or at least he was – until they got the straitjacket on him and took him away.)

JUST BEAT IT:
New findings published in the MARCH issue of the journal “Urology” suggest that ‘exercising’ the prostate gland won’t necessarily ward off future dysfunction. The new study by Dr Michael Lieber of the Mayo Clinic finds no scientific support for the commonly given advice, and suggests the notion is nothing more than a modern medical myth. (What the hay – it’s probably worth trying anyhow.)

NO WONDER THEY HATE AMERICANS:
This goofy protest against France in the US Congress whereby french fries in House cafeterias have officially been renamed ‘Freedom Fries’ is a tad lame. As any chef will tell you, the ‘french’ in french fries does not refer to France, but to a method of food preparation. ‘To french’ is a verb meaning to cut a vegetable or meat lengthwise into very thin strips. It can also mean cutting meat away from the end of a rib or chop, so that part of the bone is exposed. (Always a great way to win people over – show your ignorance!)

THOSE TOUCHY FEELY FRENCH:
American couples aren’t very touchy-feely in public, says Tiffany Field of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami. Her studies in the US and in Parisian cafes show that French couples spend about 3 times as much time touching as Americans. (This is shocking! There’s a ‘Touch Research Institute’?)

BIGGER IS BETTER:
According to a new study from Johns Hopkins University, people with shorter-than-usual thighs have an increased risk of diabetes. The scientists suggest that some factor that affects the length of the thigh may also affect the risk of diabetes. So get out your tape measure – the average thigh length of both men and women is 15.8 inches. But for those with diabetes, it’s just 15.1 inches. (So wouldn’t all short people be affected?)

GIANT TUB O’ GOO:
The Nestle corporation has developed a new snack food for movie theaters – popcorn covered with butter and then slathered in melted chocolate. (Apparently when they did a marketing study, they found out movie theater floors aren’t sticky enough.)

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A 34-year-old single mom has been fired from her part-time job delivering pizza for – stopping to help a gunshot victim while she was on company time. A kind-hearted supervisor for Frank’s Pizza in Selkirk, Manitoba says, “We don’t pay employees to be EMTs.”
• A 22-year-old Detroit man has been shot to death outside the Hell Raisers Motorcycle Club after losing – a staring contest with another man!
• A 38-year-old Sydney, Australia woman is suing the bank where she once worked, claiming she developed severe agoraphobia (fear of public places) after witnessing a hold-up. She wants a million Australian dollars in compensation. So far, a judge has held a hearing, complete with lawyers and court officers – all squeezed into her house!
• A Fort Lauderdale FL phone sex worker has been awarded workers’ compensation after she developed carpel tunnel syndrome on-the-job from – masturbating too much!
• An 81-year-old Italian woman went to a funeral parlor in Rovigo to tell them exactly the kind of sendoff she wanted. Dina Moschin then walked out the door, was hit by a car and died!

BS SHOCKING FACTS:
• According to a new Leger Marketing poll, 83% of Canadians can’t name Canada’s space agency, which is – the Canadian Space Agency.
• A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.
• Alabama is considering raising legal age for marriage – from 14 to 16. (Unless it’s a cousin you’re really close to.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.13.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [53] William H Macy, Miami FL, movie actor (“A Civil Action”, “Fargo”)  UP NEXT: Plays the unluckiest man in Vegas in “The Cooler”, who’s used by the last of the old time mob because his bad luck is contagious.

1956 [47] Dana Delany, NYC, TV actress (Dr Rae Brennan-“Presidio Med”, “China Beach” 1988-91)

1960 [43] Adam Clayton, Chinnor ENG, rock bassist (U2-“Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of”, “Elevation”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Open an Umbrella Indoors Day”, challenging the old superstition and no doubt celebrating the anniversary of some idiot getting poked in the eye.

TODAY is “Good Samaritan Day”. Here’s what it’s all about – on this date in 1964, Queens NY bar manager Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death while 38 people looked the other way, claiming they didn’t want to get involved. Since then at least 5 states, including Massachusetts, Minnesota, Rhode Island, Vermont & New Jersey, have introduced ‘Good Samaritan’ laws, making it a punishable offense to witness a violent crime and not report it to the police ASAP. (Who’s gonna report anything involving someone named ‘Genovese’?)

SATURDAY the 20th annual “Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic” will be played in Nome, Alaska, one of the strangest annual events in ‘adventure golf’. Participants attempt to sink bright orange balls into flagged coffee cans sunk into the frozen sea on a 6 hole course. Par is 41. Entry fee includes golf balls, tees (old shotgun shells), snake bite remedies (small bottles of vodka) and an official certificate proving you survived. You must use a caddie, “preferably a sled dog with a taste for Budweiser”. As well as regular golf rules, this classic has some extra guidelines –
• Snow and ice divots do not have to be replaced.
• Golfers must beware of crab fishing holes and blowing snow.
• If your ball hits a polar bear, it costs you 3 strokes. If you get the ball back from the bear, 5 will be subtracted from your score.
• No swimming.
PHONER: 907-443-5162/907-443-5519/907-443-6624 (Bering Sea Lion’s Club)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1781 [222] Sir William Herschel discovers ‘Uranus’ (Sir Bill was apparently a proctologist)

1877 [126] 1st ‘earmuffs’ patented (Chester Greenwood-Farmington, Maine)

1894 [109] 1st professional ‘striptease’ (Paris FRA)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Potato Chip Day
[Fri] Save a Spider Day
[Fri] National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day
[Sat] Ides of March
[Sat] Buzzard’s Day
[Mon] St Patrick’s Day
This Week Is . . . Older Persons Employment Week / Girl Scout Week
This Month Is . . . Music in Our Schools Month / Nutrition Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:

• If truth is beauty and beauty is truth, why do women wear makeup?
• Why do they call it “Saturday Night Live” when over half of it is on Sunday?
• Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, will you be repossessed?
• On the way to work you see a Lexus … then you see another. Would that be 2 ‘Lexuses’ or a pair of ‘Lexi’?
• When does something go from being an ‘old piece of junk’ to being a ‘valuable antique’?
• Does fuzzy logic tickle?
• How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb? (That one took you minute, didn’t it?)

BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the surest sign of ‘cabin fever’?” (You’re bored by all TV and movies? Your family is suddenly really annoying? You buy swimsuits or garden supplies? You book that flight to the Caribbean?)

ARE YOU HOT?, THE RADIO VERSION:
Line up a series of listeners on the phone and ask a studio panel to rate them on a scale from 1-10. Just like “Are You Hot?” on TV, only you’re looking for – the sexiest voice.

BS WEB GOODIE:
Maybe you’re rich! The Bank of Canada maintains a list of unclaimed bank balances. The loot could be from inactive bank accounts, bank drafts, certified cheques, deposit receipts, money orders or travelers cheques that have gone unclaimed for a period of 10 years.
NET: http://ucbswww.bank-banque-canada.ca/faq_english.htm

BS QUEEN-O-RAMA:
See if you can identify the following males that were sometimes shemales –
• He played the part of ‘Dr Frankenfurter’ in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”.(Tim Curry)
• He’s had a musical career, a film career in the “Brady Bunch” movies, and also a radio career. (Ru Paul)
• This now-deceased musician was the lead singer of the rock group Queen. (Freddie Mercury)
• Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo played drag queens in this movie. (“To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar”)
• He played opposite Robin Williams in the bigscreen hit “The Birdcage”. (Nathan Lane)

BS BLATANT JOKE:
What’s the #1 use for cowhide worldwide? [To hold cows together.]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: What were your parents thinking? Stats say that you are likely to live longer if THIS happened to you.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: You were conceived in the winter.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The Earth is our home. Clean your room!

 


Printer Friendly Version